Medling Mother-in-law

I think it sounds like your MIL is jealous of you and maybe threatened by your relationship with your hubby. She sounds like a controlling person!

Continue to network with friends - everyone needs an outlet! Do your best to ignore her ignorance and lead a life you know to be good.

You don't need her approval and if she gets under your skin, ignore it or tell her she is hurting you and you choose not to have conversations with her if she is belittling you. Maybe she'll get it!

Something that has worked for me is to understand the underlying issue that is prompting someone else to treat me a particular way. It sounds like you MIL is in a great deal of fear and the belief that drives that fear is: what others think about you is important and determines your worth. The question now becomes: Are you going to 'buy in' to her belief and fear? Or, are you going to allow her to simply be where she is and then allow yourself to believe something different?

We can respect someone else without 'buying in' or catering to their fear. Respect does not mean responsible for their well-being. It isn't easy to have someone constantly putting you down or verbally being mean, however, it is really important for each of us to learn to create the boundary of "This is where you end and I begin."

I have learned to listen to others that don't agree with what I say or with what I am doing and to avoid defending or justifying. I simply say: "I see that you are really upset with what I did." And I leave it at that. If they get loud or mean I literally put my hand up and say "Stop". I then say, "I will not allow you to speak to me that way." If I am on the phone I have actually hung up the phone at that time, if it is in person, I walk away at that point. All of this I do as calmly and non-confrontationally as I can. (Of course, then I usually call a friend or journal to vent or go have a good cry and respect my own emotional response to being attacked.)

We can't change other people's belief systems and the behaviors they have as a result. We can, however, take full responsibility for ourselves and choose response as opposed to reaction.

When your MIL gets upset about something like your screen name you can simply acknowledge that she feels fear about it and just stop the conversation there. If she continues, you can 'broken record' by continueing to say you understand that she is really upset by this and really in fear for her reputation. Drop the rope when you find yourself in a tug-of-war you don't want to be in. Stop trying to convince her of something else. Defending, explaining, justifying, convincing are all pointless. She obviously is in too much fear to hear you.

Dear B.,
I'm a marriage and family therapist and I'm struck by a big gaping hole in your story - where does your husband stand in all this???? It is his mother and he should be supporting you. He needs to tell her to back off and that he supports you fully. This is important to your marriage, especially since you are considering leaving him over the problem. Haven't the two of you discussed this issue? wouldn't he stand up for you rather than be divorced? The two of you must talk about this. If he is not willing to back you up, then the two of you may have a different set of issues to discuss.

take care, S.

Everyone has an opinion and unfortunately, there are some people who think they are right all the time. I would tell your husband all of the things that are going on and if he does not have a problem with you then no one else should matter. As long as you and your husband are in agreement then no one else matters. Sometimes it is just easiest to listen to people and let it all go in one ear and out the other. If she pushes the issue, just tell her that you and your husband are in agreement and that is what is important.

Hey B. - I may have a little different take on the MIL. My Dad was in law enforcement all my life. There was always the "what will people think of ME if they se you doing...." I got tired of it. I told him that people were going to make up their minds about me based on me or not - I couldn't change that. Also I told him that as I was doing nothing that would cause censure, there was no reason to get his drawers in a bunch!

My MIL is a controlling woman who feels that I should do whatever she says just because she is my husband's mother (he's 5 years older than I am and her youngest child) It really aggrivates her that when she says "If I was you, I'd...." that I don't just jump up and do what she said.

Basically, my opinion is that if you're doing nothing to be guilty of, don't quit because of someone else's insecurities. If you and your husband agree that who you're with and where you are is no big deal, then just ignore your MIL. Trust me, I KNOW this isn't easy. But, you've got to deal with your own sanity!