#1 Try a Different Approach to Correction
#2 Address the Name Calling
#3 Address the Tongue
#4 Address the "You're Not My Friend"
Maybe very little spoken words for correction will work better with her. For instance, with the shoes - just point at them (or place both hands on them) and say "switch" with a motion of the hands. Then walk away.
The name calling has GOT to stop. Pleasantly, but expressively, say, "Wow! How do you you think that makes me feel?" or "Did you just raise your voice to me?" or "Do you think Jesus would be happy to hear your mean words?"
I have a very forward 6 year old boy who is 'candid' in speech, but questions such as the examples above stop him in his tracks and he is nearly always remorseful. "Sorry, Momma", he'll say.
When the tongue comes out, say "Come here - let me see that thing". You could go in either direction, making fun such as, "I think something is wrong with this thing - hey, momma/auntie/daddy (or whoever) come over here and take a look at this". Once you get a laugh or a giggle, then address how rude it is to stick out a tongue and remind her of the real purpose for a tongue with a simple, quick conversation asking her not to do it again. OR you could go in another direction, and put a dab of hot sauce on it! When she tells you how it burns, tell her that's how her mean words, or her rude behavior, feels in your heart!
To the "You're Not My Friend!" comment, say - "That's okay, I have enough love for both of us". Or, "That's okay, Jesus is my friend and He has enough love for all of us."
Hope that helps! I've had my share of TRY TO BE sassy children! But consistency in addressing these concerns has breeded a healthy respect in our family. It may be a good idea to address any older children (or parents) about their speech (afterall, how does a 4 year old get hold of the phrase "you're a loser!") Remind older children that the younger ones are sponges AND parrots! Be good examples!
Mother of Four: 18 yr girl, 11 yr boy, 6 yr boy, a baby on the way. Married to a patient, fun-loving husband, whose been creative with me in addressing such concerns with all of our children!