Me, My Son and I

Updated on November 25, 2006
D.C. asks from Springfield, MO
6 answers

I have heard all things about this subject but thought I would ask someone that I don't know. I get great advice from my family but they just defend me.

My son's father is 29 and has only met him once. He pays child support and give presents at the appropiate time. I know that sounds wonderful to alot of single mothers but he also makes alot of promises he doesn't keep and then blames me when he can't keep them. He says I make things to hard on him. He'll say not the right time, pays to much child support so can't afford it, or he is not ready yet. I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up and my son does fine without him but he always asks where his dad is. When other children talk about their fathers he says his dad is at work. I don't want to force his son on him but I don't know when enough should be enough and just let things be. This has been going on for two years and it weights on me heavily because I want to give my son the best. I am content with my life and don't need to have someone help me but I would like for my son to experience a full and happy life with both parents. This is and old song and dance but its new to me. Please help

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answers from Springfield on

Unfortunately, you can't push him into doing all of his responsibilities. If he feels over-pressured (which I'm not saying he is), he'll resent having to be around your son, and the only one to get hurt will be your son. I know how much the absence hurts the child, but it would hurt him worse to be around someone who didn't really want to be there for him. If he wants to be the supplemental paycheck and gift giver, let him. You are right, that would be an ideal situation to a lot of moms. A lot of them have it backwards; no help financially and someone who complains for more and more time with a child they refuse to help support. The guy sounds like he is scared to actually be responsible for a child when no one else is there to help him with it. Let him be the one to suffer when he wakes up one day and realizes how much he has missed out on. You sound like you are doing a great job on your own, hard as it may be. The most you can do is tell him that your son asks about him and wants to get to know him better, but then it is out of your hands. Contrary to popular belief, especially in our area, having both parents isn't always the best thing for a child. Many kids adjust fine with only one parent who is always there for them. Good for you for making it work, and screw him for what he's missing out on. (Sorry, I was a single mom for awhile, too. Does it show? haha)

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Dear D.,
I really believe that consistancy is the key. If there is no consistency in the visits, then what is the boy to think? His father should make every effort to be there for him on a regular basis. That is the most important thing...not the presents and child support. I know child support is important to pay for things, and should not be discounted. It is also nice for your son to recieve presents from his dad. But, I believe what kids in that situation are looking for is consistent reinforcement from their parents that they are worth the time and the priority above all else. I have the same issues with my daughter's father. He is not there, even tho he fought hard for visitation. He calls the day before her birthday or holidays to see if he can see her. I finally told him that he would have to establish a consistent schedule to see her, otherwise he is not being fair to her. I cannot have her wondering where he is and why he wont come see her. I will not lie to her about it, and told him so. The onus is on him to create the time and priority for her. Otherwise it is she that suffers. Your son's father is the one who is missing out. It sounds like you provide a loving atmosphere for your son, and your family supports you.
People do what they want. If your boy's father does not make the time to see his son, it is because he would rather do something else. It is hard and cold, but true. Too bad for the father. Think what he is missing!
Good luck to you!



answers from Bloomington on

Hey hun, I know what you are going through. My sister's ex did the same thing to their son. It turned out that everytime his father would visit him my nephew would freak out and couldn't be left alone. Unfortunatly there isn't really anything that you can do to make your son's father wake up. If you still talk to him, let him know that it took two of you to make your son, and that he is there, no matter what. Let your ex know that you want him to be part of your son's life, but that he is growning up fast. Something that most guys seem to forget about is the fact that there are few years in which a child will be forgiving. If he tells you that he isn't ready, then you need to decide if you are going to keep things going the way that they are, or if there is another possibility for you. As far as your son goes, let him know that he is loved very much, and that his daddy is just scarred. I hope that this helps a little, and I hope, for your sons sake, that your ex wakes up.



answers from Kansas City on

I agree with what the other 2 moms said,I was a single mom for awhile and it is very hard when the father does not want to help or see his children or child. I finally had to tell my kid's dad how it was and that he was not going to come around when it was only convenent for him. Know my husband and I are going through it with his children. Their mom only comes around when it is convenent for her. My kid's dad still does once in awhile though he has gotten better. Some people just don't like to take the responsibility and that is too bad for them because they miss out on alot,kids are only kids once then its too late to get that back. You just keep doing what you are doing your son will remember when he grows up who was really there for him. At least he has you. Good luck.



answers from Peoria on

no, don't force it, he won't like that at all and I'd be concerned about how my son would be treated. I've been a Mother-Father my lifetime and the same to my kids in the hood. I'm not going to say you don't need him, but you can do bad by yourself. Don't let him just talk to you anykind of way either. It's called being responsible and no-one can make him be that. Tell your son good things you know a bout his dad and let him know he loves him and he'll wake up one day



answers from St. Joseph on

I am having the same problem you are except my daughters father is only 23 and refuses to pay child support. Everytime they start to garnish wages, he changes jobs. But I had tried to get her dad to spend time with her, and in the end the jerk off tried to take custody away from me. Tried being the key word. He wanted nothing to do with her for the first few years of her life, but I always wanted her to have a normal family like I had. She is always asking me to see her dad and it breaks my heart because I know he won't drive the 3 hour drive just to come and spend some time with her. I would say, don't force them to get to know each other. It ended in hell for me.

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