Married to a Heavy Drinker

I haven't been in your situation but I just wanted to say that from your post, you sound pretty content/happy in your marriage if you ignore the drinking problem. First, I wanted to say, is the drinking an actual problem (like he's an alcoholic) or do you just wish that he wouldn't be such a partier. If it's the former, you have to get him to see that it's a problem and help him get on the path to sobriety. If, however, it's the latter and it's just a personal preference that you have that he not party so much, I would continue to go to therapy and continue communicating with your husband so you can work out something where he doesn't feel stifled and you don't feel so irritated with his behavior. You two are separate individuals and so, you'll have to figure out what works in your marriage. I would hope that you wouldn't just jump ship though (assuming he's not an abusive alcoholic) b/c it really does sound like something that could be worked out with communication, therapy, effort from both parties, etc. Best of luck,

update: just wanted to say that i'm assuming he does his share of household chores, taking care of kids, etc. since you said you parent well together and he's a wonderful father. if his drinking/partying gets in the way of that, that's a more serious problem and you'll need to seek out help for both him and yourself to help deal with his problem

This is a tough one.
Is your husband a full on alcoholic or does he mostly just drink when he's performing with his bands?
I know a couple that have been married for 20 years. He was a musician before they met and he told her that he wasn't going to quit playing once they got married. She agreed to that. There was a time after the kids came along that she decided, even though he made good money performing, that he should "settle down" and give up the bands. He thought differently, of course. And, yes he drank, but only when performing and she didn't like that either. They had some bumpy times. I mean, he didn't like her smoking, but she didn't quit because he wanted her to.
My point is that she realized, in the scheme of things, him playing gigs and getting home late on some weekends and having some beers with his bandmates wasn't the worst thing he could be doing. He was a great father and provider, very loyal to her. When he wasn't playing with his bands, he was giving music lessons so the music end of things just wasn't going to go away. Their oldest son is an extremely talented musician in several bands himself....so she realized she might as well just roll with that part. She quit bugging him about drinking as well, because he didn't do it at home and he was never plastered or anything. Just because she never drinks didn't mean he never could.
I don't know what to say about the pot thing. But as for drinking, I guess it would depend on what you mean by "heavy" drinker. I know people who believe that if you EVER drink, it makes you an alcoholic. I personally don't agree with that, but everyone has their own opinions on the subject.
Is your husband abusive when he drinks?
Does it interfere with his ability to keep a job?
Are you unable to pay your bills as a result of his drinking?
Does he sneak or try to hide it from you?

Is it just a matter of different lifestyle choices?
Only you can answer these things and I hope that you can continue in therapy since it did seem to help some.
I hope you can get it worked out.

I wish you the best.

I have been in your shoes. It took me years and years to finally learn about Alanon. Post divorce and several drunks later. Find an alanon group near you and attend a few meetings. You will be accepted with open hearts and ears. You will hear stories of others, you will get literature that will help you cope. Please do it! This may save your marriage!

You are right you cannot change him, you can however have an intervention and give him a bottom line, and he chooses his family or his booze and party time.

He will need to go into rehab immediately or move out. This does not mean you have chosen divorce it means you are choosing to give your children and yourself a healthy life and if he wants to be a part of that life, he will choose to make the necessary changes.

Most drunks do not parent well, they are part time parents at best. Living in a household with an alcoholic makes everyone feel sort of sick to their stomach all the time because you never know what will happen or if you will be able to depend on them. Yes I have been there. It took my former husband 30+ years to sober up and I’m thankful I didn’t stick around and subject my son to that.

I never put his father down and he had supervised visitation. (My son stayed with his father's parents when he visited his dad during summers, so he was able to maintain a relationship over the years). My son is now grown, he and his father have a good adult relationship.

I wish you all the best.

Blessings…..

OK--I'm a little confused (maybe you are too?)....is he a heavy partier or an alcoholic?

Go to: http://www.aa.org/subpage.cfm?page=71 and answer the questions as if you were him.

I have personal experience with both alcoholism and drug addiction in my family. Let me tell you...addicts are just normal, wonderful people like us, until their disease takes over. And it will take over, if left untreated.

If you feel he is, indeed, an alcoholic, you need to get to Alanon fo a few meetings to learn how to deal with it. That may involve staying, leaving, many things.
If you were not in his life, would he be a functioning adult? Going to work? Paying bills? Managing money? If not, you might be enabling him.

I think you need to identify the problem first. If he is NOT an alcoholic, he should be OK with giving up the drinking. I know several guys, some married fathers, who play in bands but there isn't "that" much partying involved. It doesn't affect their home lives. If he can't give it up for you and your kids, then there's your answer and he needs help...but that's another story...and another question...

I have not been in your shoes, but I do want to say that my parents were married for thirty years and got a divorce when I was 18. It was a horrible marriage, BUT I am SO glad they stayed married for us.

That said, I do not think it is fair for your children, if you decide to get a divorce. You knew he was like this when you married him AND you knew he was like this when you decided to make babies with him. This is something that you accepted in him when you married and decided to have kids.

He is a good dad, and if you take him out of the scene, except for a few times a month, then you are robbing your kids of a daddy.

You yourself, said that you guys get along great, it's just that one thing, that is upsetting you. I would consider on going counseling, if you tend to rebound on this issue. I wish you luck on this, but please don't punish the innocent children for something you agreed to. Good luck!

I have never been in this situation, but my father was an alcoholic & chain smoker. As I grew up he got worse. He was never abusive, but my parents started fighting a lot. He became a recluse & I only saw him if i went to the basement & watched horor movies with him. He was awesome & a lot of fun when he was sober, but I only truely saw that after my parents got divorced (when I was 15) & it was only a handful of times.
You need to think about your home situation & what it may be doing to your children. I'm not saying you need to divorce him, but maybe seperate for a while or give him an ultimatum that he needs to clean himself up for the children. Personally if he is not willing to clean up for the kids than he needs to go. My father was not willing to clean himself up & I have not seen or heard from him in 6 years. Before these last 6 years it had been hit & miss seeing him. I even went as far as to have my 1/2 brother walk me down the isle & not even invite my father to my wedding because I was afraid he would show up drunk & cause problems.I want him to be in my children's lives, but I will not subject them to his broken promises & seeing him drunk.

If you have any questions about what my childhood was like living with an alcoholic please e-mail me.

God bless!

It's like when you throw a new year's party at your house, your having fun and your excited, then after awhile you just want the guests to go home. I was married to an alcoholic. I was with him 5 years total. He was the type that had to drink 1-2 24 packs of beer a day. I just couldn't handle it anymore, but my ex had numerous issues besides the drinking. Now he is doing good, and we are still polite to each other. If you think there is a chance, and you really want to make it work, try more counseling. You guys need to work on why you fall backwards instead of pushing forwards. I wish you good luck and I feel for you. I know how hard it can be.

I agree with Merri. Find Alanon and go. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and it only gets worse. He never hurt us physically, but he got worse and worse with my M.. My sister and I used to pray for a divorce, and he made my M.'s life a living nightmare. He can't have it both ways. You are going to affect your kids' lives by letting this behavior seem like the "normal" way people live. "Partying" is not the same as addiction, and it's NOT a lifestyle.

i think a very important question to ask you would be. "does he become violent, abusive, ....mantally or phsyically, does he drive drunk, or put himself in danger, other people, or do you think he might eventually"

its a whole different ballgame when your discussing an alcoholic vs heavy drinker