Married and Now Seperated

Hi Terrilynn:
I'm sorry your going through this. My first thought,was More women,need to think a little quicker during moments such as these.If my husband told me he was leaving because he needed a break, I'd quickly reply. "What A coincidence" "I'm in need of a BREAK to!! "The Diaper bags full,and there's enough food in the frig for a week" BYEEEEEEEE!!! Irresponsible? sure. Unthinkable? NO. You admit you have a problem,with panic disorder,so I don't believe your refusal to attend funerals so surprising.You mentioned your marriage has been in trouble for 8 months,however you've only been married a year and nine months.You didn't come right out and say it,but it sounded like your husband has had problems with his infidelities.That hes had some extra-marital affairs.You therefore,cannot take full responsibility for the breakdown in this relationship. Each of you going to counseling,can't hurt either of you,however,his refusal to go together,as a couple,would tell me hes probably spending that therapy time with someone else.It still would help you get past all this,going to your own counselor.I realize this is very difficult for you. It's a heart-crushing experience for anyone.Your children are older and have most likely been through this heartbreak before.You may talk to your husband and request that he spend some time with them to make the change easier for them.You can't Force someone to love you Terrilynn. If his heart isn't in it,let him go. You both deserve some true happiness. J. M

First, take a deep breath.

I think it's great he's realized he NEEDS counseling, rather pretending everything is okay or just leaving cold turkey and not giving your marriage a chance.

You've had issues in the past, and while you've gotten back together, you might not have WORKED things out completely. If he's done things to disappoint you or hurt your marriage, he may now need to deal with those feelings and understand WHY he did those things.

Take this chance to work on YOU. You've admitted you have some issues and haven't been there for him when he needed you because of your Panic Disorder. But, he must have known about this and at some point knew it would come up. Right? If you haven't sought help for it, do it now. Get your own therapist, talk about your thoughts and get yourself in order so you can be a part of this marriage and have dealt with your fears.

While, I am single Mom now, hindsight in 20/20 and I would've done things SO differently with my son's father. I would have stopped trying to make him happy and worked on making me happy, and then found happiness in my relationship now from it. My current therapy is amazing and I have learned so much about me!

Don't forget your kids! They might need someone to talk to about how this is making them feel. Divorce/seperation can be SO tough for kids to understand, and they often blame themselves and act out during these tough times. Be there for your kids, and make sure they know this has nothing to do with them. They are loved...period. Don't be afraid to offer them therapy too, so they can work on their feelings.

Most importantly, make sure you know what you want. Give yourself time to heal and work on what you need to do. It sounds like your are determined to do whatever it takes, and that's awesome. Just make sure your hubby knows you are willing to work on you for the sake of the marriage, and that you would like to work on seeing a therapist together in a time frame.

I wish you the best and I hope it works out for the best!

Okay, Sweetie, I have been married for 42 years and nowhere in those years did I feel that not attending a funeral would make me a terrible wife. You should not allow him to make you feel this way. We too had our ups and downs, but always seemed to come through them. However, go on with your life as if you are now going to be without him. If things work out and he comes back, then you will have shown yourself, him and your children that you are a strong and capable person. Don't let him define who you are. From your message you sound like a fine and sensitive person.
Good luck with your life, and your precious children.
K. K.

The only thing I can say to you right now is to work on yourself. While Panic Disorder is an illness that can be treated with medication, it also has a psychological base. Maybe it is time to dig deep and find the root cause of the problem. Seek help for yourself. You will like the person who comes out on the other end and you will be able to enjoy your life.

If you focus on your husband and placing blame and how often you sacrificed and took him back when he did something wrong, nothing is going to change. The only element in this situation that you can change is yourself. Work on being there for yourself and loving yourself. You will be a better person for you, a better mom for your kids and a better wife for someone...the right one (maybe your husband, maybe not).

Dear Terrilynn,

I went through a 16 month marriage and it all but distroyed me too. My 9 and 11 year old sons suffered and we all cried. I got counseling and realized that the person I thought I was in love with, didn't exsist. That was 20 years ago and hindsight makes it a lot easier to reflex upon.

I found a book that really helped me and all I remember was it referred to "Reality Cubes".

We meet someone, and they are nice, and we build a profile you want them to posess. He's polite, funny, good listener, kind, god-fearing, best friend, generous, loving, good to his mother, faithful, true, honest, loves kids, . . .

Now think of a grid, a fantasy cube from the above list is inserted in each grid like the honeycones in a bee frame. We all do this, we insert all those wonderful attributes we see in our beloved because if he is this, he must be that too.

Here is what happens to codependents. As reality replaces the fantasy cubes we have created, we have a strong tendency not to notice. He stiffs a waiter for his tip, he speaks to his mother on the phone harshly, he brags about all the office supplies he's taken home to use, he avoids the kids at all cost, he leaves his clothes all over the floor, he goes out for an hour but its 3 or 4 hours before he returns and get's angry if you question him . . .

We can only wear the blinders so long and all of a sudden, our fantasy man has become this vicious, unloving, secretive, selfish being that you can't figure out why he's "changed" when all the while we've been in denial that he was never that knight on the white horse.

Yes, it is our fault he's gone. He never exsisted but in our storybook mind we must have driven him away.

Get counseling and fix yourself. Until you truly love yourself, then and only then will you be confident about finding the love you deserve.

It is up to him to fix himself and he may or may not complete the process.

Counseling is not usually for repairing a marriage but helping an individual to look within. When you both are done reflecting and defining yourselves individually, only then will you reconize whether the marriage can be rebuilt: saved. You two may end up different people. What you thought was a relationship never was or no longer serves one or the others.

If you don't fix yourself, you are bound to repeat this pattern over and over again.

Quit selling yourself short. Be yourself and if he truly loves you, he'll be back. If he doesn't come back, maybe he had his own fantasy cubes that have been replaced with reality too.

I know my input may not be comforting at this time. But all the crying and blaming will not resolve the underlying truth. Love should not have to be this hard. Oh, there will be misunderstandings, but being in a loving relationship should not be a war of wills.

I wish you the best and I have said a prayer for you.

BTW: Call me if you are still looking for a way to make some cash from home. ###-###-####.

F. :^D

Hey Terrilynn,
These are tough times right now and problems at your place of peace and sanctuary are down right hard, but you can make it. People say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and although right now you are in a bad spot it does not have to last forever. Do you pray??? When all else fails I lean to the rock, Jesusu. When there is no one to talk to, I lean to the rock, Jesus. When I feel myself slipping into the pity mode I grab me a song of encouragement and sing until I feel better. Because sometimes you can't find someone to lift you up or encourage you, you have to encourage yourself. And don't forget you have some special people looking at you and they need to see a strong survivor, you are a momma able to leap tall buildings in a single bound while cooking, working, tending to your house and family all at once. You are able to do the unthinkable and undesirable (sometimes), because you are a momma. You are resilent you just don't know it yet. You have power but it just has not been taped into yet. Find it, tap into it, and if you have done all you can, cried, pleaded, sought marriage counseling, etc.. it's time to turn to God. Because prayer will fix it every time.

Hi, I'm sorry you're going thru this, but remember....counseling is the BEST thing you both could be doing right now......his talking with a counselor could have NOTHING to do with you....who knows.....this could all be from his past, or something even he is not in touch with....allow him the space to get the help he needs.....and also remember, counselors aren't listening for the "he said" she said"...they are lstening to how you respond....they are looking at the broader issues...how do you deal with stress overall, etc etc....and they will give each of you tools to get thru your problems.....know that you will make it thru this....and give each other a little space (yourself included) and remember to ENCOURAGE each other....and look forward to the "new, improved, happier" couple that you will be...
C.

Terrilynn, my heard goes out to you -- what a difficult obstacle be dealing with. I feel for you; I have had family members that have suffered from debilitating panic attacks and anxiety, and in the past, I have suffered from that myself. I was really touched by your line of "I want to love life and life it to the fullest -- " that could have come from my own mouth a couple of years ago. I understand how alienating panic attacks and anxiety can be. You've already taken the toughest step by putting yourself out there and saying that "I need to get through this somehow and make it work." I love your determination and strength, and I know you can do it.

The best advice I can give you is to please, please, please get into counselling yourself. This is important for a number of reasons:

1. Your husband is in counselling and has taken that important step. By your being in counselling, you are showing him that you are equally willing to do the hard work of looking at and overcoming your own issues -- which is the opposite of being a "horrible wife." This is a great way to put your money where your mouth is about being supportive.

2. Everyone needs their own advocate: this is what a counsellor/therapist is. In my opinion, the best thing about a good counsellor or therapist is that they are YOUR ally. Armed with a wealth of education and professional experience, it is a counsellor's job to work with you and help you make your life the best it can be; they have no other agenda. No other human being can play this role for us: even the people we love the most -- and who love us the most -- may be blinded by how our unhealthy behaviors actually satisfy their own needs. Since a counsellor doesn't really know you in any other capacity than as "patient," they are able to be objective and can see the bigger picture -- and how to make improvements.

3. Anxiety is a real medical issue, complete with a DSM-IV diagnosis. As I know you are aware, this is a very real problem and is not in your head. The same way you would take one of your children to a specialist if they broke a bone, you need to go do a specialist to mend this.

4. Anxiety can very self-limiting. You say you are "working hard to currently overcome my fears" -- but if you aren't working with someone who has objective, professional experience treating anxiety (ie a counsellor who specializes in anxiety issues), it will be very, very difficult to make progress. This is something to weigh, especially right now, when you certainly do not need anything that will be an unnecessary drain on your time, energy and attention.

A good therapist can help you focus and address the issues at hand and can help guide you, because from your own perspective, it will be very hard to see the forest from the trees. Think of a good counsellor like someone who is simultaneously watching you from a lookout point and guiding you in the right direction to get through this. She/he will be able to coax you and encourage you and keep you on track -- saving you a lot of angst, uncertainty, and time.

Best of luck to you.

Keep us posted!
K.

Gosh, lots going on here.

Just wanted to add- (and I"m just speculating here):
in light of your Hubby going through SIX deaths... perhaps he is STILL "grieving"??????? The grieving process can take lots of time. Lots. AND for a man, seeing people/his relatives or friends die (you didn't mention who died or how close he was with them)... but it can REALLY send a man into a post-trauma stress thing or cause upheaval in their own self-image and perspective in life and be life-changing... AND, maybe he might even feel some sense of "betrayal" because you did not attend the funerals. For some men, this is enough to make them turn away. "Loyalty" / "betrayal" for some, mean a lot... and can make or break a relationship... or harden their heart and effort.

I don't know your situation fully... but it seems complicated.

Your Husband obviously has MANY issues, personally, that is troubling him... maybe he is even questioning "life" and the unfairness of it all, because he lost so many people... for some people, "losing" someone to death, can really make life topsy-turvy. And not ALL people have "coping-skills" to deal with it all... thus, your Hubby has a lot to figure out... and he is going to counseling. Not to negate YOUR and your marriage... which is needing counseling as well.

If your Hubby has his "own" counselor... it might be a "conflict of interest" and a violation of privacy issues, if that counselor then sees you.... and some counselors will not do that. SO, for "marriage counseling"... you must BOTH have a "marriage counselor" that you BOTH see.
AND, a proper counselor is trained to be objective and not "side" with one or the other... thus, your concern about that although legitimate... should not be a problem, professionally with a professional counselor. A Counselor HAS TO BE "confidential" of his/her "client"... unless, agreed to that the other spouse will then sit down with the Counselor in light of the other spouses problems.

It seems there are deeper problems here... and I don't know what they are... it seems your Hubby has not been real stable or reliable either. It is not just one or the other's "fault."
But you need to take care of yourself... your kids need stability and even counseling as well, because of the break up. As hard as it is... SOMEONE has to be their "rock" and a safe place for them to fall. Monitor them, and do what you can to provide emotional comfort to them.... and loving.

Take care and all the best,
Susan

I suffered desperately from panic disorder at one time in my life. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever gone through. It's a very tough thing for other people to understand, especially husbands sometimes. I remember feeling that I never wanted to be alone, the thought terrified me. I can't imagine going through that and having my husband leave. I truly feel for you. I know that when the panic was at its worst, I wasn't able to have rational thoughts because the fear took over. I wonder if you could deal with the situation better if the panic wasn't an issue. I'm an advocate for medication because it saved my life and probably my marriage too. It just takes much longer than you want to get better because you become so scared of things. I think I started having post traumatic stress from the panic attacks. Well, I hope you can find the courage and strength to get through this tough time and that you can get your marriage back on track...good luck!

Hi Terrilynn, I think for now you need to work on the things you feel you need to work on. I wouldn't say you are a horrible wife, we all have strenghts and weaknesses. Is there a reason you didn't go to any of the funerals with him? did he ask you too? he may be filling a little un supported right now, and may need to work that out in his own heart. I would let him know how much you love him, and kwet him know that sinse the problem is about you and he, that it needs to be fixed between you and he and It would be a lot easier if you are under the same roof. Let him know the kids want him home, but don't try and make him feel guilty, becasue if he comes home out of guilt, he probably wont stay, and who knows, he may miss all of you and want to come home, but not know how, Give him a couple days then call him, but don't nag, just let him know how you and the kids feel. I wish your family the very best. J.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. My suggestion is to see the counselor both as a couple and seperately. It is what saved my marriage even though I did it by myself. My husband has never and refuses to see the counselor on his own but it helped me a ton. Best wishes to you and your family.

Wow, how did you find time for him when he was home? You never did anything wrong before? He had 6 deaths and you never found time to go and support him? Well you need to fix yourself and learn to live by yourself and take responsibility for your own actions. Love is not all you need.

Fearing the unknown will only make you panic more. Work on yourself and know that you are doing your best. Your husband going to counseling will more than likely shed light on things that he has ignored. If he is truly honest with his counselor it will help him come to terms with why he felt he had to leave and hopefully show him what an amazing family unit you 4 are. I am so sorry to hear that your family is going thru this tough time. Try to take a step back and look at the big picture. Him getting some breathing room could be just what he needs to appreciate what he does have with you and your children. Work on yourself and the issues that you feel you have and try to not focus too much (I know easy for me to say) on him being gone. Placing blame will never do any good and the past must be just that - THE PAST!Time heals all wounds and I hope that you 2 can make things better. I send you many happy thoughts! Remember to always love yourself and your kids unconditionally no matter what is going on!

Terrilynn, I saw something in your question that felt familiar. Unfortunately, you cannot do anything so that he will change or come back. You have to admit it, you have no control, you cannot be blamed for his decisions, he has to work this out himself.
Now, because you cannot do anything to change it then stop changing yourself or blaming yourself to make him happy. It doesn't work that way. I remember my husband complaining about how much time I took in the mornings, he said I didn't need to do all that to make myself look beautiful. So I changed, stopped wearing so much makeup and doing my hair as much. Guess what, he started complaining that I didn't look as nice. You cannot win if you are giving up who you are to please him. All you will do is change yourself into someone he doesn't know anymore and he will not connect the dots that you have done this for him. All he will see is that you are no longer the woman he fell for in the beginning.
After all this know that you are a wonderful, caring woman and mom. Regardless of what he decides, it is HIS decision and you are not to blame. If he decides to end your relationship it is his loss, he is choosing to walk away from someone who loves him, that's his problem. Love yourself, love your kids, help them through this, and be the incredible woman that God created you to be.
Good Luck!