Marriage Question : - Picayune,MS

All marriages go through ebbs and flows and none are perfect. It takes effort on both parties and lots of communication.

My husband and I were together about 30 years, married almost 28 when he passed away suddenly and very unexpectedly in 2015. I was 54 at the time. It still feels like a nightmare.

One thing we made a priority from the beginning was weekly date night. It did not have to be anything big and fancy although sometimes it was. This priority helped us focus on our relationship.

Our daughter is now 22. It was worth every babysitter penny we spent to nourish our relationship over the years. Our daughter saw us go through ups and downs with big decisions and how we managed through things. We did not yell, scream, silent treatment each other. We gave each other the time and space to grow as partners.

I strongly feel it's important to nourish your marriage, communicate about all of your feelings.

It's also important to set an example and model behavior for your children.

I'm sorry you feel like all marriages eventually dwindle. They don't but they do take a lot of effort and work to keep things in order.

I remember years ago feeling like my husband was not paying attention to me the way I wanted him too. One day I was out when some construction workers started flirting with me and one asked me to lunch. I told my husband I was so flattered by this and I really felt like I wanted a boyfriend again and I hoped it would be him. That was enough for him to take it seriously. We've been "dating" ever since and are married for 21 years.

Btw...for the cost of therapy you could go on some really nice dates. Get concert tickets, go to dinner, buy a hot tub if you can. Also, going on dates with other couples is just so fun. So many laughs!

I also try to make sure I keep doing things for myself so I feel satisfied personally. GNO's, I think are so important and help keep me sane.😉 I also have a wide circle of friends to go to coffee and lunch with during the day since I am s SAHM. Also, the best advice anyone ever gave me (it was actually my husband) was to get a hobby. My hobby has led to more personal fulfillment than I could ever have imagined. I now have great friends as a result, I have something to do that I am passionate about etc. this also makes me more interesting to my husband since I am not always talking about kids stuff.😊

I've been married 20 years this October. It's a roller coaster.

We've been through 5 pregnancies - 2 live births (now 17 and 14) and 3 miscarriages (14, 22 and 16 weeks). My husband had a stroke in December. I've had a hysterectomy and several knee surgeries - this is life.

There are times when we don't "connect" and there are times when I "DREAD" him coming in the door - you know the bird in the commercial "I can't take it - not another day!"? We sit down and talk. We vent. Then pick up and say "we're not giving up". We make time for each other. Family night is important.

His stroke has led to depression. He is learning to deal with his body after the stroke and learning to build muscles up again. There are times he's VERY dejected - much like your husband sounds - and that's when things get tough. Depression can be like a black hole. You MOVE through life - but NOTHING "fits" and nothing "FEELS" there really is no light. You look around and see people smiling and laughing? But you can't. It's not there for you.
Please take your husband in to be seen by a doctor. Tell the doctor you feel he might be depressed. Then go to marriage counseling.

If you're in your early 30's? You've been with him for half your life. You met as teenagers and married young. You've got a lot going on - 4 kids and 3 dogs? That's not smooth sailing all the time. Especially if you have 4 under 10.

Please know that every marriage goes through its ups and downs. It's NOT easy. People DO drift apart - it's how you handle it when you notice it that makes the difference!

GOOD LUCK!

Kay, I read this post yesterday and have had some time to think on it...

The first thing which stands out to me, very loud and clear: you are angry at your husband. It's so evident in what you write, that anger and I hate to say it, disrespect. You write that you 'let' him take a nap or that he's 'sucking up' to you a few days later with intimacy. This is a concerning statement, because really, no one wants to be intimate with someone who is disrespectful to them.

Marriages have times of more or less excitement. It doesn't help when one person is demanding, because it makes the other (who can't fulfill the demand) feel like a failure, which then compounds the problem. In a situation like this, counseling can feel threatening... "I'm failing at home and now some stranger is going to tell me things about myself I might not want to hear. I can't win."

I suggest you go to counseling to figure out what you want, need, and how to accept that this may be a *moment*. To stop keeping score. ("I did XYZ for him and he doesn't do anything for me that I want") You have to reconnect with what you enjoyed and loved about your husband. I'm not saying I've never had frustrating moments within my own marriage, but I will be the first to admit: *I had my own role to play* in the dynamic. It wasn't entirely just my husband, you know?

At this point, sometimes we can't have as much time to be intimate as we would like, however, we also have a lot to share with each other besides the physical. For a tired person (mine nods off like clockwork around 8:30 -9:30 or so most evenings), trying to schedule intimacy after an evening nap is just hard. Just as women don't like feeling sex being 'demanded' from them, men don't either. Your husband is saying that he's tired, he's overwhelmed... but it doesn't seem that you are listening or sympathizing with him. Maybe that would be something else you might address with a counselor. Try *hearing* him. Tell him that you are going to just let those expectations go for a couple weeks or so, and then do it. See what happens. Sometimes, when the pressure is off, there's more room to feel grateful instead of like a failure. And you definitely need to deal with that anger. An angry spouse is hardly an approachable one. Again, consider your own role in this. It takes two to make a relationship.... try to ride out the frustration (which is temporary) and give him some space to feel that he's loved and accepted even in this state of being tired and overwhelmed. And yeah, have him see a doctor about depression. It's a very real problem and should not be overlooked.

We fell into this rabbit hole for a few years and it almost ended our marriage. We finally ended up in marriage counseling and it saved us. That was about 8 years ago, we are happily celebrating 18 years married (20 together) next week.

But one very big thing we had to do was start marking time for us a priority every single night, even if it was only 20 minutes watching funny videos on Facebook. As we started marking that time a priority and also started communicating better and judging each other less, we also re-found our sex life. We feel closer than ever.

I think that marriages change over time, and the way my DH and I connect has changed over time, but I don't equate change with pulling away. If you feel that you are pulling away from each other, not just changing as your life together changes, then you need to rethink how you connect and try to fix that, because it is NOT inevitable.

Is there any possibility of getting away for an overnight? Just you and your husband leaving on Saturday morning and coming back on Sunday morning, to spend the day enjoying each other's company. Will you talk about the kids? Yes. But hopefully you'll also laugh and talk and reconnect. This would be a great way to jump-start your reconnecting.

In addition (or instead of, if you really can't get away), can you set up a standing babysitter? Ask your babysitter if she/he can commit to the first Thursday of every month from 6-8PM, and there you have it - a standing date night that's not too late so that your husband can enjoy it too. You say that he mentions that he'd like this but he doesn't set it up. How about stopping with the fixing favorite meals, etc (since that doesn't seem to be helping) and set up the sitter?

I also urge you to try to move past your old habit of watching a movie after the kids are in bed as your way to connect. Personally, this sounds like a nightmare. Thank goodness my DH understands that our crazy busy wonderful life leaves me tired and doesn't expect me to sleep deprive myself in order to prove my love to him. This isn't working, so find something new that works for both of you. Heck, it can be an evening walk to the playground - kids run ahead and play at the park while you and your DH walk together and sit on a bench and talk all the while. IMO, staying connected is not about what you do, it's about talking - talking about every day stuff, about politics, about parents, about kids, about money, everything. If you get lots of practice talking about the small stuff, it's easier to talk about the big stuff when you need to.

Good luck, I hope you can get back on track.

Have you considered that perhaps he has depression? Depression can sometimes cause "powerlessness" where someone doesn't "try", at much of anything.

I don't know what you want to do in terms of a doctor. I used to always say "go to the doctor", but right now there is such a mess with healthcare and the very frightening reality that pre-existing conditions will nullify getting medical help, that I don't know if I should say that.

I will say that the last thing you should be doing is waking your husband in the evening/night for time for YOU. That's just impossible for some people. And if he has depression, you are just asking for him to pull further away from you.

Marriages go in cycles. Close to each other, then life changes like children, buying a house, changes in jobs, etc etc, farther apart, life changes and coming back together, etc. Few marriages come out the end of a long haul without some of these bumps in the road. If your husband has depression, you aren't helping. If he doesn't want to be married anymore, you aren't helping either. You need to change your tact.

You might ask him to consider going to marriage counseling with you. Tell him that you want to work on your relationship together, instead of making him feel that it's all about what HE is doing wrong.

I find it's like any relationship - sometimes the connection is not as strong, and sometimes you need to recharge yourself, have some me time - to be able to connect better. If you're both exhausted and drained and having to make time, and it becomes a chore, sometimes the best thing is doing things for yourselves - on your own so that when you come together, you have your best self to share.

Otherwise, I find it becomes a problem, that you have to work on, that one of you is always talking about, the other person feels it's complaining .. etc.

So whenever I was feeling as you describe, I made sure I wasn't lonely - I made sure I was doing enough for me, so that I wasn't coming across as needy of my husband.

My husband has a varying schedule so for us, a date could be us doing some errands, followed by a lunch just the two of us somewhere. We make our dates where we can. Doing the same thing over and over (movie night) can get dull - if that's all you do. Fit fun in where you can. A walk .. a drive ... just the two of you.

Do you have a sitter? If I woke my husband up from a nap in the evening and said "Ok us time!" he'd roll his eyes. Would you want to be woken like that? I hear what you're saying - but look at other options and ask him what he would like to do. Getting out of the house can be a great way to leave stress behind.

Change the way you talk to him about this. Instead of "jumping on him" about not having a date night, try saying, "Sweetie, I miss you. I feel like we haven't had any "us" time lately. What can we do about that?"

My husband and I both work full-time. For our anniversary last year, we both took the day off (with the kids in school) and went to an afternoon movie/early dinner before picking up the kids from daycare. It was great!

You might also ask him what he needs. If he's being distant or tired all the time, ask him what you can do to help. It's great that you are trying to cook his favorite meals and give him breaks by doing things with the kids, but ask him what you can do for him.

I agree with others that you need to do things for you. Go out with friends or go to a bookstore or go to a movie by yourself or whatever. Do something for you to make you happy!

I think these moments happen at different times for different couples. Some of it's normal. What's troubling in your case is that a) you two can't communicate and b) you think that making his favorite meals will turn this around.

It's deeper than that, and I think you know it, based on everything you say. What to do? You go to counseling even if he says no, or says yes but never has time for an appointment. Counseling will help you deal with your understandable anger and make a plan, and will show him you are serious.

As one of the posts below mentions, the important thing is to simply do *something* fun together on a regular basis. Maybe not completely "watching a movie". Maybe - at 8pm on Saturday, not 10pm - you grab a pile of pillows and snuggle up in bed and watch YouTube videos on your phone together. And then fall asleep together.

Trying to launch a "date night" by waking up from a nap at 10pm after a long day of work, sounds like a chore!!

If you "start small", it is easier to spend time together during a busy workweek. You can build up to scheduling larger date-nights after a few weeks of getting into a habit of doing small things together.

Life stinks. It does. Marriage isn't all romance and flowers and adoration after a while.

He's there. He's doing is job supporting the family? He's at home and not out partying with his friends and comes home too tired to do anything?

This is marriage Kay. Companionship, loyalty, caring for the other person.

It sounds like you depend on him for a lot. Do you work? Do you have friends you go do things with every now and then? Do you have hobbies?

I would suggest he have a check up and ask the doc why he's so tired.

I felt compelled to respond because I know where you're coming from. I do believe that spouses pull apart at some point in their marriages. It definitely happened to me. And I think it was because we changed after adopting our son. Suddenly I was a stay at home mom, while my husband worked and we literally had nothing in common anymore. Here's my background: I have been with my husband for 23 years, married 15 years. We met at 19 and are both 42. Life before our son was so different than now. We golfed twice a week, played tennis twice a week, ran marathons, tried new restaurants every week, traveled all over the world, etc... we were very active and spontaneous! That all suddenly ended. The things we loved about each other, we were no longer doing. Everything became so mundane and predictable. Well, now that my son is 7, we r doing the things we love again! It's as if we were lost and then found ourselves and are ready to conquer new quests together as a family. Last year we went on 6 family vacations all over the world and now my son has the travel bug too! My husband, son, dogs and I all ran our first race as a family this year! Trust me, it definitely helps a marriage when the husband and wife have many things in common.

In answer to your question, if he really does love you, why would he be treating you this way? He should WANT to be with you and from what you described, a lot like MY husband, he doesn't seem to want that. Counseling MAY help. Try to encourage that.

My husband and I have had a long-term relationship, off and on. He cheated on me with several women, finally leaving me for one of them only to be dumped by her 3 times, this was while we were dating then engaged. Several years later, I gave him another chance and we did get married. 3 years into the marriage it seems that he's back to his old ways again. He kept in touch w/one of his women, he's tried to cheat on me many times, even found out that while he was on out of town job training, he'd tried to pick up women! Even the neighbor's ex until we moved out of that area! Even after we moved, he found the neighbor's ex on Facebook and messaged her several times.

It's now been 13 years that we've been married and he's now purposefully doing/saying anything he can to try & piss me off so badly that I'll leave so he can be w/a woman he had a crush on in high school. He wants me to be the 'bad guy' this time, apparently, making others think that 'he' is the victim. I found out that he's been emailing, texting and calling this new woman for 7 years now! Making plans to be with her, even going so far as to try & talk her into moving here! (She lives out of state). He even makes plans to be w/her if I have to go out of town, even telling her he wanted to take her to their high school reunion instead of me! He also purposefully starts arguments w/me just to get me riled. No reason for that, he just blames me for his unhappiness. I've done nothing but be fully supportive & to be encouraging of him and of his interests & endeavors. I've tried to find things for us to do to spend time together to no avail. He simply does not want to do anything w/me. When I DO get him out of the house, he acts pissed off, like he don't wanna be there, spending most of the time on the phone texting or playing games or on Facebook. I'd rather go out by myself now rather than tiptoe on eggshells just to be with him. He takes forever to get things done around the house. I've spent so much money on upgrading the house. He didn't want to but it REALLY needed help! He bought us a fixer-upper that was way too small so it's taking a long time to go through everything and downsize but doesn't seem at all appreciative of my efforts.

He started doing things like moving my hand away when I try to cuddle on the couch, etc. or he'd move away when I try to cuddle or be intimate or even try to hold his hand, he'd take his hand away from me! Even walking down the sidewalk or in the store he doesn't like holding my hand anymore. He's started sleeping on the couch now, his choice...not mine but yet he makes it out like I forced him out of the bedroom, not true! He even tells his women such awful, made up stuff about me, even telling these other women extremely private things about me that is NO one's business! And yes, I have proof he's done this.

He doesn't appreciate anything I do for him, at all. He doesn't thank me for doing things for him he barely mumbles out a "thanks" but he says in a smirking kind of way if he does thank me, never sincere, even though I do thank him for helping me, doing dishes, etc. Another thing I've noticed is although I do give him his gift, for 3 years he hasn't given me a gift for my birthday, Christmas or anniversary, not even a card. I know that's not realllly all that important but it's nice to be remembered and thought of on those days. He says "oh, I forgot" but never gets me anything afterward, not even a card. When he does get me something, it's just some small, cheap item that's as though he ran into the store and grabbed something real quick, like a USB card or something like that, that I don't really need, nothing well-thought out or sincere while I spend a lot of money and effort in getting him something he wants/likes then doesn't even use it after mentioning it over & over that he wanted this or that. He also says he'd rather work than spend the holiday w/me or even works on our anniversary now. I don't know what to think anymore.

I would leave but unfortunately, I've had a multitude of job losses due to disability so I don't have any means of fully supporting myself at this time so it's difficult for me to leave right now. I've always been taught, and believe, that marriage is forever but I've had just about enough of his behavior but I'm not in a position where I can leave. It's really tough! We're also due an inheritance from the in-laws so IMO, he's trying to get me to leave before that happens so he'll get the full amount rather than giving me half. I'm determined to get my share so I will have something to live off of and won't have to worry as much. I know that probably sounds selfish of me but I'm not in a position that I can support myself due to a current disability. I too, am wondering what I should do. I thought we were perfect for each other b/c we have so much in common but I am so tired of his pissy attitude, especially when he points the finger at me rather than explaining what it is exactly that I've done wrong.

I would definitely encourage counseling, if he still refuses, why not just come right out and just ask, point blank...honey, DO you want to be with me? Because....then bring up the things that you mentioned. Listen to what he has to say. If nothing gets better, tell him that counseling may be a way to get through what's wrong in the relationship. If still no change, try a legal separation and see if that helps. Sometimes people just grow apart but I'd start w/counseling.