Marriage Issues, Depression and Dogs

I'm not a dog person either, so we don't have a dog, but I do have a few suggestions.
Tell hubby, if he wants to continue to keep the dog, he must take care of the dog.
Keep the dog in a cage, a small room like the bathroom or utility room, or outside, when you're not home.

I say keep crating the dog, she will get used to it. I have a dog that did/does the same thing and she eventually stopped freaking out and now sees the crate as her house. Give her a toy or something yummy to chew on.

Oh sweet stuff. WHAT a title. I loved it.

On the dog: Try a LOT of exercise and love when you're home. Also, training, training, training. Dogs dig hierarchy. They NEED to know their place, to be given direction and purpose, and for their brain to get used as WELL as their body. I mean, a LOT of training and exercise. A bored dog/frightened dog is a bad dog. This should, in my opinion, be mainly your husband's responsibility, given that he is the dog's main person and is the one who wanted the dog in the first place. Dogs are creatures, not toys and if he wants a dog he should be showing up like a responsible grownup. When you are gone, put your dog in a large crate with a few special chew toys/bubbies. Twenty minutes before you're going to crate him/her, put a few drops of rescue remedy on his/her nose.

It's not an over night fix. Dogs change slowly. Remember, be a firm disciplinarian. They are not children, and need to know their place in your "pack". However, that alone will simply frighten the dog. Along side, they need love, attention, play, and training.
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IF your husband is not willing to be responsible for this animal, then it is the ethical decision to find the dog a new home. If he is willing (and follows with daily ACTION), I think the dog would not be so stressful for you. Right now, you are not dealing with a dog. You are dealing with a Tasmanian devil. And that's not what you signed up for. At. All. In other words, you are giving it a try. If he's not capable or willing to show up, then you shouldn't have to beat yourself into depression over it. Neither should the dog.
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On depression. Stress is draining. Maybe your depressed, maybe it's more situation. Sometimes, situation stress can trigger an actual depression.

BEFORE you become depressed/more depressed, I'd like to make the following suggestions (ones that I suggest to myself for depression and anxiety).
- Take a walk every day. It doesn't have to be terribly long, nor terribly fast. But, do it every day.
- Make a gratitude list every day. It can be silly stuff (I am grateful for my George Forman), deeper stuff (I am grateful for my children's health)...just what ever you can find.
- Look for beauty. Pretend you are a photographer and seek the miraculous. The tree branch. The blue of a children's slide. The way an elderly woman gingerly leans over to kiss her fat cat. Find grace in the present. Seek it out. Sometimes, it's impossible to do so. Other times, it comes naturally. Keep up the exercise. Be an artist.
- Eat. Eat bites of food throughout the day. Good food. Food that gives you strength. WHEN you just can't, try forcing a bit of protein down.
- Take baths, make tea, play games, dance, put on sad songs, create plays with your kids, dress up silly, dress up like you're going out on the town...etc. Buy fresh flowers and set them on your table. Look in the mirror and whisper love poems to yourself. You don't have to believe it. Some day, it may feel real.
- Get on the phone. Call your friends/family. Make plans. Or don't. Talk it out. Write it out. Get together and cackle and cry with the women who you love dearly. Curse at the sky if you feel lonely. Ask for help (darn it...so so so hard for me).
- Let it look messy. 'Cause life is. Holding onto the control can sometimes be really counter productive, in my experience.
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On marriage. Sister. I'm not sure. My marriage is in an up swing. Even though we are "in crises". In part, because I'm learning to live my life based on my authentic self. I'm not waiting for him to come around or change or communicate. 'Cause I'm busy doing that for myself.

Not because *I* made it happen, but because my husband fell down hard and had to face himself, he is working HARD on himself too.

So it's cool, we BOTH want it. It looks messy, and it feels painful and wonderful at the same time. I couldn't make that change for him. Lord knows I TRIED. (((chuckling))) That's not within my ability. No matter how often I complemented him, no matter how much we had sex, no matter who *I* tried to be...he was still on his own path in his own time.

Not sure what's going to happen there, but it feels good, and I'm learning.

Also, check out nonviolent communication.
WHOA! IT's cheesy, tedious, exasperating...and darn it, it WORKS.

I *thought* I was listening. I thought I was communicating. Oops. I wasn't doing it very well in retrospect.
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Above all, big hugs. You aren't alone, and you will get through this. It's tough, and sticky, and challenging. But, it's life, and it sure is a good teacher.

Big hugs.

Okay, dog issue first - couple that I know got a new dog that had separation anxiety - she would chew shoes, whatever, when home alone. They spoke with their vet and got advice on how to handle it - first step was to crate her when she was home alone - mind you they got a huge metal crate about 3x bigger than she is- so she has a lot of room. So - talk to the vet, read a book or an internet article or two, share the information with your hubby and develop a plan to help the dog acclimate. They can be trained and the separation anxiety dealt with. My friend's dog is now a happy, well adjusted pet that doesn't destroy things when left home alone and no longer has to be crated.

I think you are pouring a lot of built up resentment into the dog issue - so, the second thing - depression. Baby, of course you are depressed - and stressed, which can lead to depression - it all becomes a vicious cycle. Go talk to you doctor - go to individual counseling if you can - talk to your pastor, etc. Again, read up on stress reduction techniques, find ones that you like, and practice them.

Communicating with hubby - once children, and work, and life gets complicated it is harder to find things to talk about that are not about children, and work, and the small mundane things. But, you have to make an effort to re-connect - a connection that is not all about "communicating your unhappiness". Because it is a two way street. If you are always telling him how unhappy you are, he is gonna' get tired of hearing that and begin to feel like there is nothing he could ever do to make you happy again. This goes back to the depression thing.

Take the kids and the dog to the MIL house for an evening. Go out to dinner, watch a movie, go play goofy golf, and concentrate on having fun together. Read a book, the news, and find other things to talk about....after all I am sure that once, before children and work etc., you two had other things to talk about and do together. Remember those things and re-connect through them.

Children - fighting and not listening - re-evaluate your techniques. I used to be a yeller - I thought I had to raise my voice to get my son's attention. He, in turn, just tuned me out when I did that. So I learned different ways to get his attention - a softer voice, watching my tone, and he responded much better and began listening to me. Just an example, not a comment on you.

But, I think, most importantly, that we need to find our own happiness, inside, to be happy with others. We cannot depend on anyone else for our own happiness - while the ones we love contribute to our happiness, they cannot be responsible for creating it for us.

Good Luck
God Bless

My wife and I didn't talk for a long time because we argued over certain issues. I would pull in and retreat as a self defense mechanism. I would keep my other feelings to myself. So we didn't talk.

You already know he doesn't want to talk. Find out why. If you find out why, then you can address the problem. If you can find out why and address the problem, then you can communicate about the dog.

If my dog destroyed the house when I left, I leave the dog outside and wouldn't let him in the house when I was gone. If the dog destroyed the house, I'd let granny have the dog back so it could destroy her house.

Depression can cause sluggishness, and being tired, but so can the wrong diet. When my kids fought and didn't listen, I told them I had enough of that. Then I would swat them for not listening and fighting. I gave them plenty of warnings UNTIL, I had to get their attention and let them know I wasn't the pushover parent. Then they listened and quit fighting. I remember them playing "He touched me". "He touched me first." Ok, bend over and I'll touch both of you last. Then they got tired of that nonsense. And I got my sanity back.

Good luck to you and yours

First the communication issues. You can work on your marriage without counseling. My husband and I read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue book together. It talks a lot about communication and how to make it better. Commit to sit down together each night or every other night and read a chapter and practice put into practice what it says.

We also have 2 very energetic little boys and it is exhausting. We can't afford dates or sitters either. So, after they go down to bed, we usually pop some popcorn, snuggle up and watch a movie or a favorite television together. We love Netflix and Redbox and it seriously ha helped us to have that time together. We also read books and go to the YMCA and workout together. Which is nice b/c they have child watch while you work out. Once a week, we all go out as a family, even if it's just for ice cream and a walk in the park. It helps to settle things and to get out of the house together. Also, pray for each other, pray together each night. About 5 years ago my husband and I went to counseling for similar issues. Our therapist told us to write a list of 10 things we appreciate about each other. It was hard coming up with things! Then. she told us to make it a point to go out of our way every day to do something nice and unexpected. Like one day,. I left a sweet little note in his wallet, he did a load of laundry without me even knowing about it. Just small things like that. That week was wonderful and the next time we had to write a list of things we appreciated about each other, it was so much easier! We have kept it up and it's been wonderful. I have two short 93 min) videos i am going to recommend you and your husband watch together, about how people can show their love for each other. Very touching and powerful messages:

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

The dog situation is very easy. Put the dog in a nice sized kennel when you leave the house and at bedtime. Put a small bowl of water (or a few ice cubes in the bowl), a towel to lay on and a chew toy or the dog's favorite lovey in there. Problem solved. I am an animal activist and have worked with training dogs as well as have worked at vets and animal shelters. Many dogs grow to love their kennels when used appropriately, (as in not leaving the min there all night and day and ignoring the dog). When you are home, train the dog, spray bitter apple on items he is not to chew on. Most dog issues stem from them not being trained and/or boredom.

Yes, it is selfish to make your husband give up the dog because of discipline issues that is so easily fixed. What I would do, it compromise. Try the training, try the kennel. Come up with a date where you agree on such as, "3 months, if things aren't better, than you can work on finding a new home." But, if you really work together on the dog issue, it will get better and you may even grow to love it. I've had my dog for 10 years and some times she is a royal pain in the butt, but I love her! THEN you need to work on mil issues!

For the boys... Dr. Sears has wonderful discipline and behavior shaping advice!!!:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior

As for depression issues, it sounds like you are probably just stressed out with everything you are going through. As for feeling sluggish and everythign, I suggest taking Saint John's wort and munching on cashews. Both wonderful mood lifters. Once oyu change your perspective, start confronting these issues, things can change. I don't know your child's ages, but can you afford a one or two day a week mother's day out at a local church or something? it was a lifesaver for me, literally b/c I know it's easy to go stir crazy as a sahm. Seriously, today, I just broke down crying b/c it has been such a horrible, rough week! I just have to tell myself to keep going and once I'm over that hump, and resolve this issue, it will be smooth sailing until another bump in the road comes along.

Here are my thoughts:

1) See if you can get counseling through your pastor, priest or rabbi at a discounted rate. If you're not a member of a congregation find one you like and join.

2) The dog must go, preferably back to MIL. Anybody with kids, and a job, already has 150% on her plate. Though wonderful, dogs need a great deal of time, effort and resources. This may not be the season of your life for it. Your husband is unreasonable, imho, to not see this. My ped told me years ago to wait until my youngest was at least 5 before getting a dog. If your husband digs his heels in tell him the dog is making you physically ill (because the stress is, whether you acknowledge it or not). It was a bad decision, and needs to be corrected asap. ETA: It's either that, or your husband and kids take on 100% responsibility for the dog.

3) It sounds like you and your husband need better boundaries with the in-laws.

4) You need some joy back in your life. Are you working full time? If so, I don't know how you do it. Is there any way for you to cut back, or get a day at home every week? I.e., go part-time? You just sound so burned out, and I don't blame you.

Hang in there - praying things get better.

By a child gate a tall one and gate the dog in the bathroom when you leave home. It is a smaller space and he/she will feel more secure. Take out anything the dog can eat or chew up...bathmats, toilet covers, soap, etc.

Leave the dog water and plenty of toys to chew on maybe even a pig ear or other such treat. We bought our dog a ball that would drop treats when you played with it.

If you decide to keep the dog enroll it in obedience training and be willing to do at least four complete sets of sessions (usually 8 to 10 lessons a session) with the dog...it might not take that many, but be willing. If you obedience train the dog...the dog will become a joy to have as part of your household. He or she will become well behaved, obedient, and realize you are the alpha in the house and become to adore you as its leader if the pack.

If you or your husband is not willing to train the dog...it will continue to annoy you to no end and stress you out even more. I would say get rid of the dog if obedience training is not possible.

My husband did not want a dog, but after she was trained, he LOVED her so much...and I thought the dog would end our marriage, he had never had an indoor pet before.

Sending you a huge hug...get that dog in a smaller space when you leave...I would suggest crating, but it might be too late for it.

put the dog in a crate when you leave -

Take one day at the time and one problem at the time. Delegate (hubby takes care of what doggie does). Exercise. Do it together (with hubby) to find a common stress reliever to clear your mind and detox your body. It's phase ans it shall pass, don't let it bring you down! If things are not exceptional at this time, between you and hubby, focus on the kids till the storm has passed. You must be a team. Good luck.

Oh, this sounds miserable - no one enjoys destructive dogs! My husband and I are serious dog people - we had long discussions about dogs before we ever talked about kids - we had agreements on the number and breeds (always at least 2, Labradors, cairn terriers and border terriers). Ephie and Tracy have given you great advice - especially the crate and exercise components.

Can you get your boys involved? My youngest is the "food fairy" for the dogs and helps with walking and clean up. Even a little guy can help if the food is at a level he can reach and has the right size scoop in it. Please don't make it an "outside" dog - very few breeds are into that and most dogs would be absolutely miserable. Anyway to rope your MIL into giving it a walk mid-day?

Don't let the dog be the straw that broke the camels back. Asking him to give it up is no more thoughtful as making you have one you dont't want. Either way - somebodys going to be resentfuil. Best thing to do is compromise. Love and respect you dad, but either dog is an outside pet or kennelled because mom has enough on her plate. If it has to be an indoor dog than you can kennel it while you are gone or sleeping. I know dogs that really like thier kennel. Men are problem solvers. Ask him to help come up with a solution on the dog and with the discipline of the kids. And maybe put the kids in charge of the clean up and feeding of the dog as a chore.

I haven't read through the answers, but did have some advice on the dog.
I am a the pet person in my house. I feed, walk, scoop poop, bathe, etc. because I want the dogs. If you're husband wants the dog, he needs to do the daily maintenance. Of course everyone might have to take a turn cleaning up, but your house shouldn't smell like dog. He needs a bath. I do know that when a dog is nervous, they produce more oil on their skin, thus more smell. You could try something called a thunder coat. It hugs the dog tightly and has been proven to calm a dog during thunder storms or with anxiety issues. And your dog needs a lot more exercise/walking. Tired dogs don't destroy as much as dogs with energy.
good luck!

I don't think getting rid of the dog should be done until you have been to a dr. to determine if you need depression medication. You say your husband is attached to the dog but I would assume your children probably are as well. If you are depressed and get it under control with medication, you may find the dog is not such a chore anymore. Also, dogs need exercise so be sure he is getting a walk each day - this may help with the separation anxiety and it may help you feel better, too.

Hahaha, is you MIL mine? She brought home a puppy for us, and although I really LOVE the little dog (despite the fact I am NOT a pet person)- I was thinking that we might have to get rid of her... because of my allergies.

She has grown on me- so we are keeping her. Plus my daughter would be SO upset if we took her away.

BUT, you'll have to figure it out for your family. I might not keep a dog that destroys my home everyday. I wouldn't have a large dog (myself)- because they worry me. I think it is cruel to keep an animal if you don't "love" it, because they can usually sense any hostility, and it is much better for them to live in a home where they are a true "part of the family". If I were you i would have a sit-down conversation with your husband... no kids around. Tell him what is going on with you. Maybe even discuss if you should take a few weeks of marriage counseling. Sure, it may be out of pocket- so maybe just start doing it as needed, so you just have to cover the cost of 1 session at a time. If your religious, you can usually go to your religious leader for free, although most of them are not psychologists, they often have good advice and a good listening ear anyways. A lot of times you don't need it "permanently" - but having a nuetral party to work through these problems with can help.

AND from a person that has suffered from depression, it sound to me like you are. I have never used meds for it, instead I usually get by with affirmations, stress relief techniques, vitamins and sunshine. But if that quit working for me I would get meds. You can not have depression, and then "get" it when you are stressed, tired, less healthy... etc. Are you sure it is the dog, or the extra stress in general that is "tipping you over the edge" where you feel overwhelmed- stop caring? My point being, if you think the dog COULD be something that you would get used to or even enjoy, then maybe you should try? But, to do that you'll probably need some stress relief in other areas of your life, and I think that if your husband wants the dog badly, the "drudgery" of it (cleaning messes, grooming, walking, feeding, etc...) should go to him and the kids, with an expectation that they WILL keep up on it!

Good Luck!
-M.

Ditto Momma L.
I wholeheartedly agree with kenneling the dog. We have a kennel in the basement and I use it often. Dogs actually feel safe in a kennel. It becomes their go to place.

Can you get a young teen to come to your house while you are at home and be a mother's helper? $5 here and there is money well spent if the teen can run the kids outside for a while so you can make dinner.

I have no advice on the hubby, sorry.

I would check in with your doctor to make sure that you aren't depressed. Either rule it out or address it and go from there.
I'm not a dog person either. I married a man with a dog and she drove me crazy at first even though she wasn't even naughty. I grew to love her very much.
I think the issues with the dog are emphasizing bigger symptoms in your marriage regarding communication, etc.
Rule out actual depression. Then, dog or not, try to make a plan with your husband to improve communication over the stresses of the house and the kids and the marriage and now the added pressure of a dog who isn't the best behaved. Finding a middle and a strategy is far better than him standing on one side of issues and you standing on the other side.
In my opinion, this goes deeper than the dog.
Take things one at a time and start with yourself as far as your emotional health.
Very best wishes to you.

So sorry for how you are feeling.
I think many people go through this. I feel like I did, too.
1. counseling. Am a firm beliver in it and if your hubby will go to couples counseling....that's great. Have you tried to find a therapist in your area that charges on a sliding scale depending upon your income.
My hubby found one that did that (thank goodness) by putting therapist and our city/state into the google search engine. It's helped greatly.

2. Counseling on your own esp if he won't go. Find counselor same way.

3. Dog. Sad to see him try to adjust to yet another home. It's not his fault. If your hubby is the one that wanted him, tell him (nicely) that he's the one that needs to walk him, buy dog food, feed him take him to vet for shots etc.
Walking him will help burn his energy.
Not sure of age but the younger the pup the more energy hence the
more exercise/attention he will need at this point.
Crate (a huge crate) at night only if you must. Give him blanket and some water.
You can train him to sleep in a dog bed in your room or even laundry room (use a baby gate across the doorway). My dogs sleeps near me (great to alert of intruders too) and I ensure they pee RIGHT BEFORE bedtime and first thing in the morning. Since I'm the dog lover, I do all the chores (and I don't mind)!
I know the dog is a bone of contention but look at this way: he can be a protector, source of comfort/love for your kids (even you one day) :)

You may not have depression issues but that doesn't mean that life can't get the best of us. And sometimes.....depression can come later in life to people who never experienced it before. If that's the case, consider yourself lucky and try to see a counselor just for yourself. Sometimes only a few sessions can help.

Also, if you've only been feeling sluggish, tired and irritated the past few weeks, it could be something physical on top of marriage/dog issues. Have your sleep habits changed? If I don't get 6 hrs of sleep, I can be cranky. Have you changed meds? Have you exercised? Have you changed your exercise routine? Have you been eating well?

The way you are feeling can be a culmination of things but don't despair.
Take action.
Call your dr, look for a cheap counselor in your area, or support group.
Call your girlfriends.
Eat right.
Exercise.
Treat yourself to something inexpensive: magazine, long soak in the tub, check out a book from the library.
Check out a funny movie from Redbox (cheap) to make your laugh.
Laughter is really the best medicine. It's a start! Laugh every day.
I call a gf to make me laugh, if desperate will turn on comedy channel for a minute.
Once things get better w/hubby (and I feel they most likely will :) then you can do something like a date night once in a great while just for you and hubby to talk, be together or have fun.
One thing at a time, one task at a time, one day at a time. :)
Please hang in there & take care of yourself!!! Wishing u the best!

Lesley has some good advice.
I would add that hubby needs to step up regarding the dog. HE is the one who wants to keep it, and HE should be willing to do the work to make the dog a respectful member of the family. Yes, you will ALL have to do some work and be involved, but HE needs to do the research and take the dog to any obedience classes and take the dog for walks, etc. It is a LOT of work to train a dog properly. If he is unwilling to step up, then he needs to admit that he isn't willing to put in the necessary work to keep the dog and the dog must then go. If he IS willing to do what is needed, then YOU should try to look for the good in it... pets can be very good for kids and families---when properly trained and socialized. Don't get in hubby's way, or purposely try to stymie his efforts to train the dog well, but let HIM do the bulk of it.
And crate training can be VERY useful, and when done properly is not punishment or inhumane.