Marriage in Trouble

A.,
Sounds like you are really down and out! It won't help a thing but as mothers and wives we all have been there at some point in our lives.
The best advice my mom ever gave me was asking the question of myself "Do the good times out weigh the bad times?" When you are low they definitely feel like they do, however if you really think about it and think about what your husband does do for you or actually what he is rather than what he isn't? You might find yourself looking toward a better future, than trying to do it on your own if you leave.
Another thing to think about is, it isn't only about YOU anymore you have the children to think about and what your decision will mean to and for them the rest of their lives.
My advice to you is take time for yourself, if he doesn't want to go with you take a day off, or atleast a few hours to do the things you would like to do. It isn't as much fun, but you will be able to destress a little.
Another idea is get involved in a church and find new friends that will be a combination of a support group and people to relate to you and your children.
Bottom line, keep your focus on what you do have, rather than what you don't have - also, find someone that needs a helping hand an elderly person that would love a visit (nursing home) it is a proven way to help others is to help oneself. Older people love to see vistiors, and sometimes small children bring huge smiles to those that are lonely. You may get home and find that you appreciate your husband that will fix you a sandwich or sit on the couch with you.
I know, I have one of those too, but he doesn't want to even sit on the couch with me, the only movie we have been to in 23 years is the "Get r Done" movie a few years ago. But, he isn't a drunk, he doesn't cheat, he is a huge kid himself, and is more fun with the children around than not. He actually gives me hugs now, we really had to work on that one... but he still doesn't do a whole lot other than activities of his choice with me! But, he is who he is, and the good times do out weigh the bad...

Good Luck! and May God Bless you when you are up and even more so when you are down.

M. (mother of 4 oldest 27, youngest 16, grandmother of 2, married 23 years)

Leaving him will not solve your problems but will certainly give you many more to deal with. Single Moms have to work full time jobs,pay the rent,utilities, food and the child support you would get will no where near pay the bills. Look for Mothers Morning out groups at churches., Do you have a babysitter for you to get out? It's your responsibility to make friends for yourself. YOu also are probably feeling really down right now from post-partum depression. Ihad it bad after my 4th child and would cry at the drop of a hat. Never though it would improve as this baby cried about 18 hours a day. I was exhausted as you probably are. My last 2 were 18 months apart and without proper rest everything seems worse than it really is. Can a Grandma take the 2 for a day or a few hours and let you do something nice for yourself?? Can you swap some babysitting with someone? Take a good long look at what childcare costs today and what jobs are you qualified for. Removing the children's father from their daily lives because you are depressed is not at all fair to the babies. Do you participate in a religious group?If not, find something you can participate in. Most churches do have nursery care for the children and that would give you a break and a chance to be with others probably in a similar situation. Don't hold back because hubby won't go. Many go without spouses for whatever reason. Just the action of looking for solutions will probably help you to not feel quite so helpless. Good luck - this depression will pass and the more rest you can get the better. V.

A.,

I know that right now things feel like they will never change. I would just caution you to wait for a little while. You have just had a baby (8 weeks old, right?), and your hormones are all over the place. I have been in a position close to where you are, and I waited on making any major choices until my child was at least 6 months old. I knew before he was born (and I had another child who was 1 1/2 years at this time) that something was wrong in our relationship. I just couldn't figure out what it was. After our baby was born (approx. 6 weeks old), I found out what the problem was. I was devastated, hurt, felt so betrayed, lonely, and wondered who in the world this man was. He knew I was mad. He knew I didn't trust him. But he also knew that I wasn't going to make a quick decision while I was learning to adjust to our new life.
Now, that isn't saying that I dropped the whole problem because I sure didn't do that. We talked and talked about the issue. But I knew that I simply wasn't in the right frame of mind to make such a decision that would affect my family so drastically.
Please note that I'm not saying that you shouldn't leave him. I am just asking you to give your body time to get back to "normal." Right now you are going through major changes. You just had your second child. You have another young baby. And, yes, you are still very young. You are still growing up. And I didn't like to hear that when I was your age either. But it is the truth. Know that I also married my highschool sweetheart after 3 years of being together. We immediately had our first child when I was 19. Our second was born at almost 21. Then our third child was born at 23. I wasn't myself for years. But, things are now in a wonderful place. I am still married going on 12 years this year. My children are 11, almost 9, and 7. We have a wonderful life together. I can't imagine if I hadn't given myself that time way back then, and made a much different decision.
If you want to talk directly, please don't hesitate to send me a pm. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

A., before you ever think of leaving, consider counselling from your pastor or a good therapist (a referral is best). Also, you just had a new baby and that takes alot out of anyone. I would seriously try to find a mothers time-out program where you can get together with other moms. Like MOPS (Mothers of Pre-schoolers). You do need to get out, but how about getting to the park where other mother's might spend time with their children. You may be able to share childcare. Don't make any drastic changes until you get help first. Could you have some post-partum symptoms, too little sleep? Try to not make him your whole life. That is a heavy load for anyone. They have some wonderful story times at the library where many mothers go to keep the children amused and another excellent and free way to meet others. Pray for guidance. Maybe see if a family member will give you a few hours to yourself to pamper YOU! A bubble bath, read a good book, take a walk, pray!!!!!! Go to a $1 movie. Don't give up, invest in your marriage. There is also a very good book called Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. It's easy reading and very inspirational. God Bless You.

A.,
I would not advise waiting, I would seek counseling, for yourself. From what you shared, I don't think your husband would agree, so I encourage you to go individually. You seem to be wanting your husband to (help) make you happy. Once you are happy, the whole situation will look differently to you. Then, you can make the choice that is best for you. In any relationship, if we are attempting to change the other person, it doesn't work. People resist this type of "fixing".
In addition, as a couple you have gone from being teenagers in school and sharing friends to being adults with responsibilities, bills, mouths to feed, etc. etc. That is a major difference. Regardless of how mature you both were in school, you did not have the same stresses on the two of you. Married for 2 years with 2 young children is also very different.
It sounds as though it would be beneficial to speak with a professional for a short time.
I wish you all the best!
A.

Read the book 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. Here is a link to the book on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commi...

This is a short book and an easy read. Find out what your love language is so that you can communicate to him more specifically what you need. Find out what his love language is so you can start showing him love in a more specific way, even if you don't feel love for him now.

You did love him in the past and your children are two extremely compelling reasons to find that love for him again. If you reach out and try to discover and meet his needs first (even though he is not trying to meet yours), human nature is to respond back in kind. It may take some time. Don't expect overnight results.

I'm a stay at home mom and I understand your frustration completely. I too have been in a position where I wonder what happened to the "fun" person I once was. As hard as it is, the solution is to give first to your husband and then he will want to give to you. I have done this and I know it works. Please don't give up.

I SECOND WHAT ANGELA SAID! now is just NOT the time to be making that kind of decision. just imagine, if you DID call it quits, my guess is that you would be heading back to work. your children do NOT need this..

what you need is to get out and GET SOME FRIENDS! don't know where you live, but there might be a moms group (in our area there is a 'parenting in (city) playgroup' (happens to be columbus, ga) that is FAB FAB FABULOUS. you can keep busy every single day fo the week if you want to doing scheduled events.

i was also in a Mothers Of Preschoolers (MOPS) group - LOVED it! its a christian based moms morning group that has child care and so has moms time of crafts, devotions, 'mom' things, etc. look for that locally

if you don't have that, go to your local library and make contacts that way. there are ways, and you NEEEEEEEEEEED to get out and get a life.. mom-hood is priceless, but it'll sap the life out of you if you let it LOL.. you need a life and interests and adult conversation. that will give your marriage some spark back.. then you can create friendships that your husband may join in on.

was you husband a soloist when you were dating? what did you do for 'fun' before you were married? explore what is in his comfort range, and possibly just outside his range and begin to expand those..

good luck! having a life of your own, even as a mom and wife will be beneficial to you as well as to your family

I really feel for you in the situation you are in. When you're young, you think you can change the world and change the people in it. You can wait all you want but you won't be able to change your husband. You have got to accept him for who he is or you will never be happy with your relationship.

You just had a baby eight weeks ago, you may be going through baby blues. That happened to me with my 3rd child and I was so lonely and depressed until my doctor put me on medication. That lifted me up and out of it but I had to cut myself off of it because I am an emotional person by nature and the drugs wouldn't let me cry or really FEEL the real me.

A., there are books from the beginning of time written about lonely, bored housewives. You are not alone. You've got to reach out to people and not stay in your own head. You must seriously consider a marriage counselor but I'll tell you that if you were friendly and outgoing in high school, then by nature that is who you are. Venture out to the library, different parks, malls in different neighborhoods, the YMCA. Join a book club. You will not believe the response you get from posting a notice or card up at your local grocery store for a new "Mom with 2year olds and Newborn child" club or something like that. Try something different on the internet. I am so serious. There are moms like you everywhere, feeling the same who want the support but don't know how to get it. Reach out and find them and in the process you grow and start to find out who you really are and what you want.

Should you decide to move on, be practical. Ask yourself: Can you afford it? What's your plan for the care and support of you and your kids? Are you at a point where you and your husband can be civil and still be friends should you separate?

A.,
I feel for you and there is probably not one of us that does not relate to some or all of what you are going through. The fist thing I will tell you is never be without girlfriends! They are soooo important to have in your life! There must be some play groups with other moms that you can meet. Try to connect with other moms with small children. Next, it is extremely tiring being a stay at home mom and constantly cleaning! Maybe there is a local gym or YMCA that you can join where you can get a bit of a break from the kids and do something for yourself. Then, one of the most important things is to remember that love is a decision. I know it sounds very unromantic, but in life, I think we all go through this. It would be wonderful for you and your husband to be able to talk to some one. You are so young. I had a high school sweetheart also, but didn't marry him because I started to not "feel" the same way I had in the beginning. I eventually married a wonderful man, but I spent years thinking of how it is not normal to have those intense butterflies like in the beginning. He ended up marrying shortly after we broke up. So, I learned my lesson the hard way. With young love, unfortunately, you may need to grow up faster to the realities of life and marriage. Especially with 2 children. You have a lot on your plate, but you can do it! Go out and make some friends and rediscover something that you love to do. Have your husband watch the kids while you go out for a walk. Join a tennis team if you can. It is so easy to lose yourself in your kids and housework! Hang in there!

Hi A.. I am sorry to hear how you are feeling. I am 32, been married 10 yrs, and have 3 young children from 4 1/2 to 9 months. It is not easy. I also stay at home with my children. With my second child, I actually had postpartum. I know how lonely you can feel, your interests completely go by the wayside, your needs don't get met.

I have had to start a whole new life when we moved 600 miles away from family, making new friends, and friends I could trust. It took me about 1 1/2 yrs to make friends that I felt comfortable leaving my children with. It was a long hard road. However, what I am trying to say thru all this is I learned that my husband just could not meet all my needs. I have to rely on girlfriends who have children for emotional support, play dates with the kids, someone to leave my children with so I can get a break. I have learned that I need some time to be a better Mom - A mothers morning out program might help or a drop in day care that you don't have to commit to a certain amount of time a week. Something that can give you some time without children where you can relax, sleep, go shopping/browsing, catch a movie, eat out (I love eating out by myself-I can relax and I don't have to worry about everyone else). Try to find a Mom's group, women's fellowship, Bible study or something to meet other moms. It takes work and I know some days you feel like giving up, but it is worth it.

About the hubby - I would not make any rash decisions - You got excellent advice I completely agree - Your hormones are going crazy still. Your husband might not even respond to anything you do right now. My husband and I have not always been happy, in love, and we go thru seasons. All in all, he is a good man, with good intentions, but just does not think all the time. When we go thru those rough times, I just learn to depend on girlfriends to help me. It does not mean that I think his actions are right or acceptable, but he has learned to recognize when he is not doing his part. Marriage is very difficult and when you start adding children, it is ever harder.

I hope some of my ramblings have helped, and if not, that is okay too. You pick and choose what will work for you. Just don't make permanent decision right now because of just having a baby. If you need someone to talk to, message me and I can give you my phone #. Hang in there. God Bless you. J.

Hi A.! I am so sorry for your challenges. Marriage is hard for most people at different stages. Mine has been too! I encourage you to not give up! Pray for God to work in your hearts and marriage. My friend urged me to read the book LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by James Dobson (order at www.cbd.com). I just started it today. I also got LOVE AND RESPECT and THRIVING DURING A DIFFUCULT MARRIAGE (should find at same site or amazon). If you read these, please let me know what you think. So sorry for your pain and sadness. I urge you to not lose hope, even when things seems despairing. Will pray for you! Dearly, G.

Never been married, my own relationship has crumbled, but if I had a life outside of the house it may not have been as bad. We all need an outlet. Never isolate yourself. Hard lesson that I am now learning.

A few things you said were red flags for me. First, coming from a stay at home mom of 3, It is VITAL for you as a women and as a person to go out of the house and to do things you enjoy for the sake of your children, yourself and your marriage. I understand your frustrations. The second is the fact that your husband doesn't like to be around people. Is he depressed? Is that normal behavior for him? I strongly suggest counseling for you guys. My brother and is wife were having major problems and after just a month of counseling they are doing awesome. Instead of ending the marriage try this first. Marriage is so sacred and special and it is so important for your children in the long run.

You are so young! It's time to move on. There is plenty of time out there to find someone better. You can't spend the rest of your life with someone you're not happy with already.

You've gotten some good advice so far. I'll simply second the idea that it's time to make YOU happy. I know right now you probably feel so overwhelmed with giving yourself away to your little ones. You need to find ways that you can have fun. You don't need your hubby to go do the fun things you mention. Get dressed up, call a friend (doesn't have to be a best friend, just someone you know), and go to dinner out. You'll be surprised how much just getting dressed and going out briefly will make you feel better. Make it your goal to find a friend (through your neighborhood, your church, or old friends you lost touch with). Your husband can't be everything to you. It's too much for one person. Besides he can't make you happy - you have to do that for yourself. If after you feel better and you still feel disconnected from hubby, then you can start thinking about how to communicate with him and take the steps to fix your marriage.

I have been there and done that. I was a young married mother of 2 at 21 myself. Although I opted for divorce (which was and is still the best option for me due to legal issues that he had), you have to realize what a divorce will do to not only you, but your children. I don't recommend it. You also cannot let your children see you mope around and be sad. They'll grow up thinking that that's how a matrriage is supposed to be. That's how the Mommy is supposed to be. Even though I am in a caring relationship now, I still do things alone. You will find that while in the movie theatre, another person with your same interest in movies will make a comment that is exactly what you were thinking and a friendship can grow from there. Before you know it, you'll have a hubby, wonderful, happy children and friends to enjoy life with. Right now, you're looking for your man to save you. You need to save yourself first. He's only human and doesn't have an inkling of the compassion that only a mother can have. He may be the most considerate man you know but nothing compares to the heart of a Mommy, so don't expect too much from him.

A.:
Take it from an old married woman of 29 years. Just go and do whatever you want alone. If he loves you he will eventually come around. If you have friends go off to a movie with them or out to dinner and leave your husband to babysit. Do not feel guilty. You need time away from the hustle and bustle of being a full-time stay at home mom. Always make the offer for him to go and let him know you would rather go with him. It is also not the end of the world to go to a movie alone. I have done it many times because my husband said no he did not want to go. He knows now that if I really want to see the movie I will go alone and he usually goes before letting me go alone. Most of the time when they realize you will go without them they come around. Remember all marriages have peaks and valleys.

Well I can't give much advice on this one because I too am in a very challenging marriage too, but nonetheless haven't given up even after 12 years and he too was my highschool sweetheart and I have too felt them days as you describe ever so much. All I can say is don't give up so quickly my dear-remember your vows sweetie? "For BETTER or For WORSE"?
Be very careful about "who" you set yourself up with right now-remember negative places, negative people can have a negative result sometimes. Place yourself in positive situations only!! Join up with MOPS (Mothers of Pre-schoolers) it was so much fun for me and the kids. Also some churches will offer once a month on friday's or saturday's free childcare or at least low-cost childcare for a few hours so that you and your hubby can have a "date" night. I think that it is important to surround yourself with positive girlfriends but you also need to make sure you involve him as well-maybe he's not as out-going or social as you are? Don't force it upon him-he will come around once he see's how much fun you AND the kids are having. Sounds like he has at least attempted to try and make you happy-most would just ignore it all together which would make matters worse. Maybe he doesn't know what to do exactly. Men need specific directions for some reason even though we have felt like we have given them those hints or even come right out and said it! Sometimes you have to take charge in some retrospect such as: Hey, honey I have gotten rid of the kids for a few hours maybe after you get home we can go get us some dinner and a movie and cuddle. That way YOU are getting the "going-out" feel but coming home and cuddeling on the couch with one another might be within his comfort level. Eventually perhaps you could suggest going out for dinner and him taking you to a movie -just remember baby steps :())
Also be sure to check yourself too-not saying it is you but you did indeed just have a lil baby - your hormones are racing combined with sleep deprivation and keeping up with everything else can be very overwhelming...make an appointment with your ob OR find you a counselor to go and see. This too shall pass but you really need to consider if this is "worth" just throwing the towel in for. If you leave you will be a single mommy who will have to find herself a full-time job to support her little ones-in today's economy your lucky if you even have a job. You will have to arrange and pay for childcare cost, rent, transportation and expenses involved with that, etc. Your kids only know "you" at this point will you be okay with dropping them off at daycare-and when they first start they will most likely be sick most of the time until their immunities build up to it-will you still have a job when you have to call in because your kids are ill? The child support you get isn't going to help out that tremendously much-well unless your hubby is rich. Just really think about your life without him in it and your kids. You are very very young and just know that ALL of these things that you feel are "normal" but just remember that you are not alone in this and we all have cycles of feeling this way at one point in our lifetime or another. Best of luck to you sweetie I will pray for you as I pray for my marriage everyday too.

A.,
Don't give up just yet. If there is some way that the 2 of you can have a date night (or afternoon) at least once every week or so. You don't have to go out, just find someone to keep the kids over night or even for 3 to 4 hours. You seem to be stuck in the "I'm just the Mom-Maid-mode" and you need to get out of it.
Being the mother of 3, ages- 19, 11, & 6, I've been there and done that! I've gotten involved with one of the ladies' groups at our church, where I've met and made new acquaintances and friends. Taking continuing education classes at the local tech college has opened up my life tremendously. I've met people and professionals that I work and socialize with now.
Look for local churches that offer a "Mom's Day Out" program that gives free or low cost day care for Moms to take time to do something for themselves or just by themselves with out having the whole family in tow. You may even meet up with other Moms that are in the same situation as you that could develop into a group of friends.
Just don't give up.
Milly

Baby, even though he is your best fried you still need friends. There are going to be times when need a friend to rant and rave. You need to find something that you enjoy doing. He might not particepate at first but eventually he will see that you are serious.

I am a 69 year old grandmother. Married twice. 2 children by first husband, none by second. It doesn't get better - men are pigs. They get you and only care about their own needs. If you're married, have children, your fun is over. You work, at home, or office. Mom's forget to tell us this. My daughter is single mom trying to support her child. 12 yrs old, who does help. It's hard even at 10 and 12 to make living nowdays for children and most men don't support their children - they think it goes to the wife. Bull.

You both married so young - barely knowing who you each are and throw children into the mix...it makes it that much harder. I have 2 very young ones as well, and I know how hard it can be to find time for each other in a marriage. You have to make the biggest effort to make time for one another. You have to communicate with one another. If he doesn't HEAR you then perhaps you should suggest going to therapy together. You both are so young and you still have so many changes that you both will undergoe as you grow older. You are not the same person in your 30's that you were in your 20's. It's important to remain on the same wave length, otherwise everything will fall apart. And now that you have two small children in your lives, you have more then yourself to think about.
You HAVE to make time for one another. Make a date with each other. Get a sitter and go out alone one night at least 2x a month and TALK. You need to tell him to LISTEN to you and hear what you are saying. It's an effort to keep the romance and it's easier to just grow apart.
Try to get involved with "mother" groups - playdates. Talk to other mothers...we all have similar situations that we need to share with one another. I've met so many people through this avenue. Take the kids to a park in the summer - you will meet mothers with kids of similar age...
I wish you luck.

It sounds like YOU are unhappy. I would say that you should concentrate on YOU -- maybe go to a counselor, clergy person, or something like that. Sounds like you're lonely and young for all that you have in your lap. Perhaps the two of you can see someone together. He is not the sole reason you are feeling down and he can't the the only thing that makes you feel better. Leaving him won't necessarily make everything better.

Find other social outlets. Make friends at the park/playground, at church, etc. Find your own social outlet and make your own niche.

Good luck! I truly hope you are able to find a way out of your funk!