"Marriage Falling Apart" - Charlotte,NC

I definately understand when you say emotional rollercoaster! Although my husband and I have never split up we have mentioned it and we have only been married for a little over 1 year. There is a definate lack of communication in our relationship. I also have a 1 yr old and another baby on the way. so my advice is to Talk to him... but dont give up when he doesn't listen. It sounds to me like if you don't work this out you two are going to seperate. So what do you have to lose. If he wants you to stay around there has to be a reason as to why he feels that way. Ask him why he doesn't want you to leave? The answer to that question will be able to direct you to the next step. (maybe its for your son, or so he isn't alone, or maybe it is because he does love youand wants to work things out he just doesn't know how to go about it)If you have questions then ask them. If he can't respect how you feel about things then that shows how much he is willing to work with you on this. You should have access to his e-mail if you want. If there is nothing going on now then you seeing that will help with that area. Maybe you should discuss him finding a new job. You come before money!!! There are plenty of people who work average paying jobs (in their hometown) that make it just fine finacially. If this job is so important that he is willing to lose you for it then that shows you there where you two stand as a married couple. You have to find that trust in your relationship again or things will never get better. Money isn't everything. GOD will provide. PRAY about this..and pray hard. Your baby needs a mommy and a daddy. But unfortunately, if you aren't happy your son will know. Do what your heart tells you. I am from a broken home and I have a wonderful step-dad that loves me like I am his own. I was 2 when my parents split and I am glad for that because I don't remember it all. I also have a very good relationship with my father. So in my situation with my parents it just wasn't meant for them to be together. And everything worked out for the best. Good luck. if you need to talk I will listen.

You may not want to read right now. But you need to learn to communicate with one another. Some friends and I have just finished reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Even if he doesn't want to read it, you could make a difference. Basically, it points out that we all need to be loved in different ways. Regardless of your past history, you can begin again. I've thoroughly enjoyed this book and we have all learned from it. I believe at some points in a marraige couples have to decide to love. When there are hurt feelings and trust involved I think it is a choice. You may not have those in love feelings right now, but you can work on it.

Ultimately, God is in control and if we take things to him he can heal anything.

Good Luck.

I highly recommend the book - The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You are needing to feel love and commitment from your husband and he obviously wants to feel that from you, or he wouldn't beg you to stay. I promise if you read this book and use the advice it will make a difference! It worked for me and my husband and also many family members and friends! Don't give up! It can be different! Please read this book!

I just finished posting my advice to look down and read the same recommendation from someone else!! Please take this as a sign and read the book! I really believe it can help you!

If religion is important to you, then faith based counseling may help.

That said, being in a marriage that is healthy takes a lot of work from BOTH parties involved, if you're pulling the line and he's not its never going to work. However, try counseling again, with a different counselor. Ask your friends who they recommend or look around until you find one that you think will meet your needs. Even if he refuses to go, go by yourself. You're going to need help to get past the emotional baggage he has given you-been there done that in a very similar situation with my ex husband.

I know its hard with a child involved, but there are instances imo where divorce is the best option for all involved. Children are affected by the emotions in their parents marriage, whether we want them to be or not. If the marriage is suffering the children will pick up on that and its not fun for any of you-I say that as a child who was in the middle of an unhappy marriage between my dad and his ex. So do what you think is best for you and your son, and dont let anyone tell you that you HAVE to stay married for the kids, because that is NOT always the best option.

Good luck to you, and I hope you find happiness whatever path you take. Every ending is a new beginning, and you can be happy after a divorce. You learn, and you say "Ok, this is what a marriage should NOT be." and go from there. My husband and I have both been married before, and we have mananged to learn from our mistakes and make this marriage work.

M.,

I too am going thru a bad marriage..actually, my husband & I have decided to divorce. We have a 6.5, 2.5 & 9 month old. We have had problems for years but this time have nto been able to work it out. He says that he does not want to work it out anymore. There has been no cheating or anything so I am sure that makes your situation harder if you do not feel as though you can trust him.

I can suggest going to www.loveandrespect.com...it is a christian based marriage site. We were going to the classes on it that our church provided...they make so much sense & if you can apply the principles then you can save your marriage, I do believe that. Unfortunately, it was too late for my husband & I.

I wish you luck & can only tell you to seek God in prayer.

M., My heart goes out to you. I am in the same situation. I read your post and have experienced the same. Love is more than an "I love you". It is seeing actions from your loved ones that reflect that love. Love is two people looking in the same direction. Do not use your 21 month old son as a crutch. We have an 8 year old. A man has to feel needed and respected to love. With the trust issue, this is compromised because the vulnerability of you getting hurt. When you want to be intimate, it will be difficult because he probably feels you are volatile from your emotions.

My husband has cheated on me numerous times and after 10 years of my giving myself and all I have to him, the trust and forgiveness has run out. I am starting off fresh in a new state with a clear view of where I want to be in my future. This may not be the right choice for you, but I will tell you your 21 month old son feels the stresses in your life. He is very responsive to sensing what is going on around him although he may not understand it now.

If you are not taking care of yourself, your son.....then things will continue to get difficult on this road. Maybe a brief seperation to clear your mind and look at things outside your home will help. I hope things work out. My husband told me he would never cheat on my again, and did. It seems to be in his nature.

You threatening to leave and him begging you to stay (as I did with my husband) ended up creating hostilities and added fighting. If you let love go, and it was meant to be, it will return. If you decide to leave to see what is out there for you and your son, a healthy environment....Maybe your husband will see how life is without you and change his ways. No matter what your decision is, keep communications open and bury all the hatches if you really want it to work.

I have been where you are and am moving on. Since my decision, I have been very happy and stress free. Friends are a very powerful support channel and no matter what comes out of your relationship, your 21 month old son will always be the best thing that happened in both of your lives.

M.,
Sorry to hear that things are so rough for you. My husband would tell you not to trust your husband....If he is saying he is too tired to be intimate then his mind is somewhere else. You and your child deserve better. He is just messing with you because he knows that he can.
Jen

Not every councilor is right for every couple. Try another one.

Oh, M.......I feel terribly for you....can you go to a therapist by yourself for awhile?
Sometimes it really helps to talk to someone and they can help you sort out all of your mixed up feelings.

I wish you only the best,
Pam

The only real person who will hurt is your child. I would rather him be from a broken home then in a broken home. I don't know if I can say I would trust him, Not many men will say not to sex with there wife unless something is going on. If you are suspicious though, I might would have myself tested. You know what I mean. I would really sit down and talk about this instead of threating him, Men get intimidated by those things and they just never work out. If you ever need anyone to talk to I am here. Good Luck. jennifer

I'm really sorry. Have your tried getting away with just him and sitting down and talking about what's going on? Maybe if you two got together and talked about how you each feel and what you both want with the marriage, you might be able to work something out. Just make sure that you both really listen to each other and both be willing to make sacrifices and compromises.

Also, like many of the others, I think a good Christian counselor might help because sometimes a third neutral party can oversee the discussion and point out things that you and your husband may not realise are there.

It's good to try and see if you two can work it out first because the rewards of a good marriage are phenomenal. The benefits of a good marriage can affect you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Just remember that it takes two people who are willing to put the work into it.

its always hard to deside whats best for a marriage when you have a child envolved.. kids can pick up on the stress levals of their parents. i think that you have to figure out what would be best for your child becouse i think that we always have to put our kids first before anyone, that encludes the husbands. men may not always be around but kids will never stop being your kids. i waited to long to get out of a bad marriage of 13 years and now im having alot of trouble with my son who is 17. he is at a center in morgantown trying to get his life strate. he now knows his dad is alot of the problems. i pray everyday that he makes good desisions in life and learns from his mistakes and gets his g.e.d..so if your marriage is falling apart and you have a child that young i think he well be ok , you just have to support your son and let him know nothing is his fault..when you wait to long to make desisions it backfires on ya like with me and my three kids its been ruff trying to get them to understand, but they are older than yours and i think that makes it harder. just pray that god can give you the strength to make the wright decision, good luck from a friend who understands.

I am sorry to hear that you and your husband are having difficulties first off. I would say that if you are still un-sure that he is being faithful then hire a PI to have him followed, then if you do findout that he is still "reaching out" to other women, you will have substantial proof to leave and make your fresh start with no guilt on your end and would be able to do this while your son is still young. If you find that he is faithful, then tell him that sex relieves stress, and maybe try something new, dare I say dressing up or playing roles to make sex more interesting?

Leave him he's cheating. Come on reaching out to them, sure for some personal satisfaction. Once a cheater always a cheater.

Marriage is a gift from God.

My marriage has had several years on and off of rough times. We had seen councelors, but nothing changes until we had counceling from our Pastor. Our whole marriage has changed because of it. I agree with the other responses that advise you to get some Bible based Christian counceling. I wished that my husband and I had started it 15 years ago!

M.,

You said it in the first line, 'marriage falling apart' Sounds like he doesn't want to make it work. If the councilling didn't work, that is because either you did not yet find the right councillor or neither of you really had your heart in it. It takes both of you to make it work. If one of you doesn't really want it to happen, it won't happen. I am sorry to say it but there it is.

I had a very rough patch with my husband some years ago. I did leave him and I did come back. Hoewever we agreed to work at it. Next month I will celebrate my 20th anniversary with him. We have been through the ringer, we lost 11 children, I have 3 step children, two that for years tried to break us up as well as an ex wife that tried it also. We stuck it out, but it was only because we both worked at it. A few year ago, my husband had 3 minor and 1 major strokes, a month later he had brain surgery to keep him alive. If I didn't know before that how much he meant to me, that sure brought it home!!

My point is that it takes a lot of love and care to make a marraige work. But if one of you doesn't really want it and has a defeatist attitude, then it is time to make a life changing decision. Your baby is 21 months? That is rough, but not as rough as if he were older and really understood the situation. You deserve better than what you are getting. You now have to decide what is best for you and your son.
Good luck,

E.

I have had a hard 10 year marriage that is at its end, so I know what you are feeling.
One thing I have learned is that a marriage shouldn't be saved because of the kids. That only delays the inevitable and makes you wish you hadn't wasted your time. It is also harder when the kids get older. I should have left 9 years ago, but wanted to stay because I was pregnant and did love him, I thought he would change. Of course that never happened and now I have 2 kids, no job and an have been stuck for 6 months trying to plan my escape.
Now if you can save the marriage for yourself that is a different story. Has he said why he won't sleep with you? Has he said why he wants you to stay with him? Is there anything in it for him if you stay, besides having your company? For example do you work, bring in money, own pre-marital property or have your own money?
Maybe he's cheating and feels bad and that is why he's not sleeping with you or maybe he cheated before and feels guilty. How long have you been back with him? How long did it take him to cut off the conversation with these "other women"?
If you have been trying for a few months and this is still the situation, maybe it would be good to seperate at least till he can start treating you right or it can be decided to end it. If it were me, I would try to have a heart to heart and tell him how your feeling. If that is not possible, I would write him a letter. If he still won't open up or try to work things out, there is not much you can do.
Another thing I have learned is that no matter how much you love someone, you can't "make" them change. I always thought if I just do this or that it will work. I can make him treat me right; I can make him unsterstand and change his actions; I can make him better. Ten years later I regret closing my eyes to what I already knew. He's who he is and only he can make the decision to make things work on his side.
I know this is hard, but no matter what happens you will get through it. If you need to talk you can always contact me :)