Marriage Due to Pregnancy

I found out I was pregnant several weeks after breaking up with my daughter's dad. When I decided to have the baby, I told him I was pregnant, and he asked if I wanted to get married. I told him "No way in hell."
IMO, marrying because you are pregnant, if you wouldn't want to get married otherwise, is a huge mistake, and only serves to make both spouses and child unhappy.
My daughter knows the circumstances of her conception, and I have told her that the ONLY reason she should ever get married is that she loves the other person so much that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him/her.

I don't think it happens as much as it use to.
No one (or at least very few) are embarrassed to have kids out of wedlock anymore.
Marrying someone just because you got pregnant isn't usually a good thing - but that's only because people don't take the time to REALLY get to know someone before they have sex.
If they had some standards beforehand, their marriage/reproductive choices would be a bit easier.
In a lot of cases in the wild - not everyone is entitled to sex/reproduction.
Males compete and not all of them win.
Sometimes the alpha male and female are the only pair in a group who gets to reproduce.

Personally, I know 4 couples that did not marry or did not "rush the wedding" due to pg.
I don't kid of any that got married due to pg.

Yes, it definitely occurs. I know of a few people that have gotten married because they were pregnant. Most got divorced. It's really not a good reason to get married.

I suggest that answers to your questions will differ based on circumstances. Why would any of us know statistics? You can find statistics on the Internet.
I suggest there are less marriages caused by pregnancies because attitudes and life values have changed.

I suggest that there have been many more quick marriages than we'll ever know about. I've never heard anyone say, "by the way, we only got married because we got pregnant." In my experience, pregnancy can cause an earlier marriage because the couple love each other and want to marry but they're not usually done because it's expected.

In the past, such marriages were called "shotgun" marriages because family required that they marry sometimes with a shot gun in the back woods. I suggest that is rare now. Most couples really do have a choice.

Our family has had several marriages caused by pregnancies. My parent's generation tsk tsked about it. My generation didn't say much. It's easily accepted in my daughter's generation.

As to telling. It was common knowledge in my family tho it wasn't much talked about. If this would happen to me I wouldn't tell my child unless he asked, because that info has nothing to do with my love for him. My daughter didn't marry the father of her first child. Everyone in the family and friends know. My grandaughter has a big family including all those on her father's side.

I still see raised eyebrows when children in the same family have different names. Perhaps that's also a comment on marriage.

I suspect that in 2-3 generations marriage as we know it won't exist. Life marches on. Women now have a vote. People fought to keep segregation. We're still working on attitudes but it'no longer legal. We had prohibition. That's gone. Few women worked and even when they did were rarely allowed to hold high positions. Women were extremely modest, not showing any skin in public; certainly not breasts and midriffs. On and on. There is always an older conservative generation, a middle changing generation, and a young generation with new ideas.

I wonder why you ask this question. Is there a story behind it?

I suspect that many more couples today do not get married when pregnant than get married because they're pregnant.

I have never heard of a parent sitting down and having a talk with the kids but I have also never heard of a kid not doing the math when they find out about sex and pregnancy.

I don't know which is worse though, that my ex's parents lied and said he was born three months premature at 8lbs or that he believed it.

Kiddo was nearly 2 when we wed--- I wore him in a pack on my back through the ceremony. He's always known that we had been together for a long time before we had him and that we were/are totally committed to each other.

Both of us (husband and I) had been previously married, and so we dragged our feet a bit on making things legal; once we realized that things would be far simpler for both of us in so many ways, it seemed easy to wed. (we had had a handfast ceremony 2 years before getting pregnant-- that had been our 'wedding'). The actual marriage was short and sweet, over lunch at the pub with close friends and family.

It still occurs. I have a friend who married the girl he got pregnant because his mother "made" him. They are divorcing. I wouldn't marry someone because they got me pregnant, so being honest about it isn't an issue. However, I did get pregnant while I was already engaged to my husband and I don't lie about that.

My husband and I "sort of" did it. We were in the midst of planning a fall wedding when in the spring we found out we were expecting and due in the summer. We have just celebrated 9 years together. Our daughter knows she was a surprise. I remind her that while she was unplanned, she was most definitely wanted.

When we found out one of the first things I did was give my husband (fiancee) an "out". I told him he didn't have to marry me, that I didn't want him if he was ever going to regret "us". I told him that I could and would go home, that he could dictate how much apart of "us" he wanted to be. If he wanted nothing to do with us, then I would live with that. I loved him too much, I never wanted him to blame me "us" for "ruining" his life. I never ever wanted him to feel trapped.

We have been honest with each other and both sometimes wish life had stuck to "our" plan. If it had we might not have the daughter that we have today (or the son) and we wouldn't change that for the world.

of course it still happens. no clue what the percentages are, but i'm sure if you really want to know you can do some research and work it out. but the stigma of being unmarried parents has mostly leached out of our society, for good and ill.
you can add us to the percentage. we didn't *have* to get married because of the pregnancy and were planning on it vaguely 'sometime' before the pregnancy, but when i got knocked up we decided to go ahead and do it. never had to have a big let-the-secret-out talk with the kids because we never hid it. our wedding pictures all have my big ol' belly front and center. literally. nowhere else for it to be.
i don't think my older boy has ever felt upset about it. we loved each other, we did a few things out of order, but we've been together for 33 years now.
my parents, on the other hand, snuck the wedding in under the wire while mom still looked slender and virginal, and let the finger-counting tell the tale. but they too stayed married until death did them part.
i don't understand why anyone wouldn't be honest about it.
khairete
S.

I know people that got married because they wanted to have sex, but they felt like they needed to be married first. A few of those marriages are still going on, most of them ended soon after. I had a few people admit, it was the reason they married.

I have not known as many who married because they were pregnant. Most of them married to get the insurance benefits that the father had through his work.

A few of these are still going strong.

I do special events and am a wedding coordinator. I have seen and heard it all. When someone is in doubt, I tell them to really get to the bottom of that doubt before they marry. And that if they are marrying just because they are pregnant, to please really consider the child is only home for about 18 years and then you will be with each other forever as a couple.
You cannot hide your true feelings forever, and children deserve parents that love and respect each other. Next best is 2 parents that are happy, but not married..

I've had friends who had surprise pregnancies. They didn't marry. One eventually did (the father) after having another child together. They didn't feel pressured to - and they had support from their families and friends. I think that makes all the difference.

My friends who got married eventually did so more for the kids - who asked them to. I thought that was a pretty good reason :) They are still together and the kids are teens.

If it had happened to us - I'm sure I would be honest with my kids. That's the kind of relationship we have - I just limit the details if it's not age appropriate, but I wouldn't lie about it. When they were ready to ask about it - I would tell them.

I wouldn't want my kids to think it was something I was covering up, as if it was shameful.

There's no need to do the math for an adult who will know he was not born full-term after 4 months of marriage. I think it still happens (my DH and his ex sped up their wedding timetable) and not always to the very young. My cousin similarly married her child's father when she was 17 and he was 18 or 19. Both of these couples split after about 8 or 9 years. The sks know that babies and marriage aren't a guaranteed combo, so choose wisely.

My friend did it. And unsurprisingly, she's divorced 2 years later.

Kids never, ever, make a relationship easier.

I had no idea it still happened until I read quite a number of questions on this site. It appears that plenty of people get married simply because the woman is pregnant and lots of people have a child simply because they got pregnant.

My son knows that he was born over a year before we got married. He has also had numerous friends with unmarried parents. Don't see the big deal.

I have no idea of the % it does seem less and less. I think alot of it depends on their families. However if i where in this position I would NEVER tell my children what a horrible burdem to lay on them "I only married your mom / dad bc of you" similar to the "I stayed married for you" to the kids

Yes it happens all the time!!! Couples go the extra step once a kid is on the way. Yes I would be honest about it with my grown children (or teen ones).

It's sort of old-fashioned and churchy for people to try to hide the truth about it. But some people still do based on their own life experiences...

My boyfriend, ( husband now) both were 19 1/2 years old when I found out I was pregnant. His parents weren't to happy. They wanted us to get married fast at the justice of the peace before people found out we had sex before marriage.( strong Christian's) I wanted to wait til a year after the baby was born to get married. I didn't want to rush it. Boyfriend was in the middle. Of course we finally did get married when I was 4 months pregnant because I dated him for 4 years and I knew i loved him. We been married for 10 years this december.I know my husband cousin didn't married her first childs father but did the second childs father but ended in divorce 2 years later. She is 3 months pregnant with baby number 3 father and they just got married. I dont think people should get married because they're pregnant.

I don't think you can lump everyone under "today's society" because I think the pressures vary by social group, religion, even geographic region of the country.

I don't think there's much premium in lying to one's children (especially if grown) because they can do the math. It's worse if they hear it from Aunt Susie after that second glass of wine, or if someone throws it out in anger.

I wouldn't hazard a guess - I think you can get statistics from more reliable sources that deal with pregnancy, sexuality and population studies.

I think abortion has always been available, and always will be, to women of means. For many years it was an option for all women, but now with so many (male) legislators placing extreme limits on women (waiting periods, forced vaginal probes and "counseling" for one purpose only), there's a disproportionate burden on poor and rural women who rely on clinics vs. private doctors. So I think the number of pregnancies is going up.

There is a growing acceptance of various family structures - single parents, married, two women, two men, adoptive, foster, grandparent, etc. - and there are protections for single women who now get child support. It didn't use to be that way. Technology helps - DNA testing and so on.

There are a few enclaves where it's not accepted, of course - someone posted a question about the Duggars the other day, for example. So I think that's a demographic group where the lie and the cover-up is more important because the truth is not accepted. (Child molestation okay, premarital sex not okay. But I digress….)

I have my great grandparents' marriage certificate - it's huge and is in an ornate frame, and includes their photos and dates. Any idiot could see that their oldest daughter was born 6 months later. I'm not sure it was discussed, but it wasn't hidden either. I was never told about it - I just did the math. I don't know how old my grandmother was when she found out.

I think a big factor in marriage due to pregnancy is the economics of it - we're just not very progressive in this country when it comes to paid and unpaid family leave (a mere fraction of what happens in most of Europe), benefits for single mothers (the poor get shamed all the time for needing welfare and WIC), day care (expensive, yet day care workers are underpaid), and of course women's salaries still lag way behind men's (it's up to 79 cents to the dollar, but that's still pathetic). The Equal Rights Amendment never passed in the 1970s, and Equal Pay is still critiqued and fought in the courts. So there's a very real economic pressure on women who may marry for protection or for the simple sharing of resources.

I do think the idea of pregnancy before marriage is addressed more matter-of-factly on TV shows though - so kids are exposed to it and it's far less of a big deal than it was 10 or 30 or 50 years ago. And in many states (far from all), kids are getting some sex education about real issues (not just abstinence only, which is where we see high teen pregnancy and STD rates), so other than the general discomfort that comes from teens thinking of their parents having sex, it's a more open topic.

For most older kids and certainly for adult kids, I think it's the "elephant in the room" - everyone knows about it but no one talks about it, because each person thinks the others will be uncomfortable.

I did. I was nearly 40. I did not want to get married but now husband wanted to do so very very badly. It has been rocky, but we have adopted one child and had another together since, so I don't regret it.

ETA: I have never hidden from my oldest that I was pregnant with him when we got married, but I try to make clear to him that marriage or no marriage, he was a welcome surprise.

Not for me! My husband and I got pregnant very early in our relationship and did not marry. We did get engaged, but had not even started planning a date. Our daughter was 15 months when we got married, and we did so then because we were pregnant with number 2, but we were in the planning stages at that point.

We are honest with our kids, that we did NOT get married because we had a kid, but we did get married when we did because baby 2 was on the way...it's been 10 years (11 in October) and neither of us would change a thing.

My parents did, and after their divorce I vowed I never would. But I know it still happens, it is a very common story for many new service members who seem to marry and then join the service due to an accidental pregnancy.

Yes people still marry because they got pregnant.

You can lump me into one of those old folgies that actually thinks anatomy, physiology and sexual reproduction kinda show the formula that is the best equation for a child to be raised. By a mother and a father. Can a child be raised successfully in other family dynamics?? Hells bells yes!! I am proof of that. But it is not the best way for so many emotional, physical, economical and societal reasons.

I think the statistics are deplorable how many children are born without a stable two parent home. It is so unfair to children to start off a life unwanted, unplanned and immediately thrown into being shuffled back and forth between homes or simply not raised knowing both parents.

I believe in the overall population we are at about 50% children born out of wedlock and in some socio economic groups it is even worse. I believe the African American population is at 75%. Don't quote me on that but about 6 months ago a study came out regarding marriage trends and I believe that is what I heard on the local radio station while driving kids to school. It was just sooo soooo disheartening.

We are very honest with our kids that we waited til marriage to have sex. I think we would be equally honest if we were on the flip side of that coin and having mature conversations with our kids. Kids tend to do the math and figure it out anyway.

I've known a few people that did not get married because they would qualify for more as a single mom (scholarships, food stamps, etc).