Marriage and Sex Life

Updated on October 02, 2014
O.L. asks from Long Beach, CA
21 answers

I'm wondering if anyone else (i need a little reassurance) out there has a sex life like ours =) It doesn't bother me consistently, but I just am curious if anyone else can relate? We have never had the type of sex life where we did it 5-6x times a day--btw, we've been together going on 15 years. In the beginning of our relationship, it was every time we saw each other for the most part. But, we were NEVER crazy sex people. My husband is a bit more shy and reserved about sex--I was a bit more crazy in my younger years. He doesn't have a crazy sex drive and neither do I. So, 3 kids later and a crazy work schedule, it feels like 2-3 weeks can go by and unless we schedule it, it doesn't seem to happen on its own. We have an amazingly supportive and loving marriage otherwise. We have wonderful communication and great parenting together. He is my best friend.

I'm just wondering if anyone else can relate to this type of situation? I look at other people around us and guess that they MUST be having it way more than us.

Please don't respond to this post if you just want to tell me about how you have sex 5x per day. I already know that this exists. I'm looking for supportive responses please.

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answers from Chicago on

I know people that do it 1x a month.
The only issue is whether or not you are both happy with the frequency.
If so, then there is nothing to worry about.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Williamsport on

I just got together with my two best friends who have been in their great marriages a long time. I was sort of shocked that they both claim to hardly ever have sex anymore! These girls were wild back in the day and so were their husbands. It happens. I'm divorced and dating someone new. So even though I only see him a couple times per month, I'm having more sex than them!! But if you saw them out and about, getting along famously, looking fit for their late 40's, deeply in love, you'd THINK they were having sex a lot. But no. They're not.

4 moms found this helpful

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answers from Denver on

I *wish* I had a sex life as active as yours! You know - this only matters if one or both people are unhappy with how things are. If you are both happy, the rest does not matter.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Raleigh on

We sometimes go a while without sex. I know I am mostly to blame, well not blame, but am responsible. I have primary ovarian failure, and take hormone replacement therapy. Since that diagnosis, my sex drive just bottomed out. I know my low sex drive does bother my husband, but physiologically, there's not much I can do about it. He understands, and I do make efforts to satisfy his needs, but I think he would like for me to display more drive.
I am really excited that the FDA is coming very close to approving a little pink pill for women. I will be right there to sign on when that happens. It's truly a shame that there are tons of medications on the market for men, but one for women has been extremely slow to be approved.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

As long as both people in the marriage are happy about how much they get - the actual number doesn't matter.
There are such things as sexless marriages - they are in it for companionship - someone to travel with, go out with, have dinner with, share life with.
There's more to life than just sex - although it's nice if they can share that too.
If both of you are happy - then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

oh yes, right here! we have been together 10+ years and have three kids, one of them who is special needs who takes up so much of our time and is very exhausting! we love her with all of our heart but she is a very high maintenance girl so by the time we go to bed, we are tired. Sex is the last thing on our minds! Bad thing is my DH loves sex and I really don't. It's not that I don't like it, it is just that I am so tired I don't even want to think about it. We have to schedule ours in and in all honesty, it takes the fun out of sex but we know we need to do it to keep the closeness between us. Sometimes if I am not feeling it, I just take "one for the team" as my DH calls it. LOL Which is fine with me bc it takes all but a few min if I totally let him have his time and make it all about him. When we first got together we used to have sex 4 times a week but that is since long gone. Totally know how you feel. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

I have been with my husband for 17 years now, married 15. I think for most couples the amount of sex changes, not starting out with lots and going to less, but starting out somewhere, and then jumping up and down. There have been times we have lots of sex, others we are lucky to squeeze in once a week. That is normal. As long as both people are satisfied it is all good, but if either partner is feeling unhappy then the best thing to do is communicate that and try to find a compromise that will make everyone feel their best :)

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

We've been together 21 years--married 13. We have 3 kids. I totally get it! Although sex is rarely spontaneous anymore, we do manage to do it 2-3x a week. But, it's work (i.e. There is a TV show on Sunday nights we watch at 10pm, so we try to squeeze 'it' in around 9 before the show comes on---because it would never happen at 11pm--LOL!). If it were up to me, I'd be in bed every night at 8. We try to do it every other night or every 3rd night.

But then there will be times that I'm sick, then he's sick, then the kids are sick, etc and we may go a week or two...

As long as you're both okay with it, then it works for you!!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Iowa City on

Statistically you are completely normal/average. Married couples over the age of 40 have sex an average of 3 times a month. Those under 40, once a 4 times a month. Not that much of a difference. More sex in the beginning, naturally, and then it drops off after 4 or 5 years of marriage.

We have sex more than average but none of this newlywed 5 times a day craziness. So not happening after 8+ years and 2 kids. That being said, there are times we have a dry spell, we just usually make up for it later. And there are times one of us will decline for whatever reason and the other just deals without any kind of moping.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Without going into a lot of details-- yes. There are 'ships passing in the night' seasons where we are busy and/or tired and then we do have to be more thoughtful about making things happen. Sometimes the kid doesn't fall asleep until long after any sort of mood has passed.

It's okay. We have a lot of other things we enjoy doing with each other as well. Our intimacy isn't just confined to physical acts. Sometimes it's just a smile across the room or a hug and kiss before one of us heads out. I think we are in the same boat you are-- there are these seasons when the goodness and love within the marriage is plenty. And yes, being married to one's best friend is the way to do it!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I think all marriages go through cycles, especially in the sex department. Or at least we do. Some times he can walk in the room and I'm jumping him other times its like "get that thing away from me"! =) We have been married 28 years so something must be right.

I did buy a couple of books to try and spice things up!! =) =)

If it is working for you both, I wouldn't overthink it too much.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

My last husband and I had times where it was several times a day, and times where it was once every few months. It was highly variable.
But it wasn't the most important thing for us. If it happened, it happened, and if it didn't, it didn't.
My drive was actually much higher than his, but if he wasn't in the mood, I didn't expect him to fake it for my sake. That's what I have Bob for.
Likewise, if I wasn't in the mood and he was, he didn't expect me to be his cum dumpster. He had two hands and a bottle of Astroglide.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Bloomington on

Like others have said, intimacy of couples changes depending on where you are at in life.
My husband & I have been married for 14 yrs & 4 kids , we're lucky if we're intimate twice a month. My husband works nights & it's more of a scheduling issue with us. I know if my husband says , " are you going to take a nap, when the baby naps ", he wants some. I would prefer more, at this point in my life , mid-thirties, husband had a Vascectomy , so not worried about pregnancy. I'm sure when the kids are all in school, it will get better.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

We have been together for 19 years and married for 14 and sadly we have gotten to about once a month. It actually got harder for us as the kids got older - we all go to bed around the same time and my husband just can't stay awake long enough to get past the time we are sure kids won't hear us. I'm hoping once we get this sleep apnea business licked for him we can get to something at least a little more frequent (every time my period shows up I think "Well, at least we got it in once this past month"!).

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Killeen on

We sometimes go a week to 10 days without sex, but never much longer than that. There was one time where it got closer to two weeks. I worry that we don't worry about it enough, if that makes sense. We are both ok with it for the most part, but every once in awhile we make an effort to try to do it more. We have a great marriage as well. I wouldn't worry about it if it works for both of you.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Grand Forks on

My husband and I have been married 18 years and together 27 years. We work opposite shifts and are busy with the kids. There is really only one day a week that works for us, and sometimes that day doesn't work (kids sleeping over, my period, illness, too tired). When we do "get it together" it is very good, but yeah, we can go a few weeks sometimes. I think it bothers him way more than it bothers me, and when we go too long he tends to get kind of cranky...

5x a day? Really? Nothing better to do?

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

We were like you guys where early on - couldn't get enough ;) But ya, things slow down. I'm pretty sure we haven't gone two weeks but what your describing It's normal in this 24/7 culture especially when you factor in kids and two careers.

If you feel this is lacking, schedule it. GIve it a go when you're not in the mood. Try some things to bring the passion level back up.



answers from Cincinnati on

I sort of do. Part of it is because I have to be up for work at 4 or 5 in the morning depending on the work load so I have to be in bed by 10:30 and my husband doesn't want to have sex earlier because he doesn't want to go to bed that early. He doesn't have to get up till 7. A lot times its because we are both busy and don't see each other. Lately we're trying for at least 1x per week but once every other week is what it seems like.

I wouldn't worry about. If you are both ok with it then I say keep it the way it is.


answers from St. Louis on

Not 2 to 3 weeks but yeah, not 5 times a day either. I think what makes it all okay is we feel the same way. It isn't like one of us feels ignored. We both lay down and sleep is the most appropriate choice. Sometimes we don't, yay!

We are happy. :)



answers from Canton on

Like others have said, I think you guys are in the completely normal category. We've been together 16yrs, 2 kids still at home that are in various activities and both work full time. After all is said and done at the end of the day - we just want to sit down and RELAX. If we're lucky enough to both crawl in to bed at the same time, it might happen. But I am usually up later than him doing the night time chores (getting things ready for the morning, packing lunches, doing a load of laundry). So, if he is waiting up for me - and actually helping get the stuff done, I know it's!
We don't really have an average...sometimes it's a couple times a week up to once every 3 weeks. Just depends. But if you guys are both happy, that's all that matters.



answers from Kansas City on

We've been married 9 years. The beginning of our relationship was long distance, so yes, we had sex whenever we saw each other. Now, 9 years and 2 kids later (7 year old and 4 month old) we have sex about once a week, sometimes twice, less if it's my period because I don't like having sex at that time.

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