Marriage & Relationships - Glendale, AZ

K.,
That is all dependent on how you feel about it and how happy you are with the relationship how it is now. Personally I wouldnt push it as he may not be completley ready for whatever reason. I do think he may need to sit and talk about it all again, but express to him that you want more than talk.

Hi K.!

The best thing is honesty. Talk to him on how you feel and things you want. If he really loves you than he should be able to commit. I know that sounds a little callous, but it is the only way you will get his true feelings about the subject. When you talk to him dont be too emotional either, Make sure you know exactly what you want to say before you say it. Dont just start talking and blurting out things. Guys hate that and then they start feeling like you sabotage them. Then you'll get nowhere once he feels that. So just go in very honestly and prepared. Tell him how much it means to you and then dont push him for a decision right then and there. Give him a little time to absorb all what you have said. If he doesnt respond within a weeks time. Then go back and ask him what his thoughts and decisions are. You have to know. Then if he cant give you what you need, which is marriage, then just let him know you think its best if we go our seperate ways. Tell him you love him very much and do not want to seperate, but you want to be married to him not just dating anymore. Tell him this is what you need and that you are not putting down an ultimatum, just your feelings and needs. Hopefully he will make the decision you want K.. Dont let this drag on any longer it only makes you sad. Good Luck! Let us know what happens!

D.

If he's living with you and your children, and you are happy, he may just be shy. Tell him you love him very much, and would like to get married, if he is agreeable. Of course, if he is not agreeable, you have a decision to make. If he's not living with you, have the "where do we want our relationship to go" chat, gently and kindly. Again, you are going to have to make a decision, and, yes, it may come down to an ultimatum. I got rid of one of those back when- best decision I ever made. You should see his marriage- the one where the woman is not me. A mess:-) S.

I think that marriage is just a legal definition of your relationship. I've been married twice. Once was when I was young I married because I was pregnant and knew it was my ride away from the town I grew up in.

I've grown up a lot since then. The relationship I'm in now is amazing. I feel so happy to be with such a great man. We always felt like we were married before the courts became involved because we decided to raise our kids together.. saying/doing that was more of an oath then getting "married".

We ended up getting married legally because he became really sick. There was a possibility that he was going to die- so to protect the kids and myself we did get legally married.
It definitely didn't change my feelings or how our relationship worked- I don't believe that getting legally married will take a relationship "to the next level"- for me, marriage is just a legal agreement saying yeah, if he hits the lottery so do you and if he's in debt so are you...it's not much to do with love, that's the every day stuff...(don't wish for something that might damage something you already have)

Personally I'd enjoy your relationship for what is it...which sounds like what you're doing now...

Don't push him - a loving committed relationship does NOT need to include marriage and "I DO" to be successful - if he doesn't have any interest in marriage being married isn't going to change that - appreciate the quality time you have and don't worry about the "next level" - it's not always worth it to be married - why do you want to be "married"? is it for financial reasons? or personal ones? or social ones? be clear with yourself why you want this and maybe he will see and agree with your point - if not, why ruin a good relationship?

It's 2008, why don't you propose to him?

I think nowadays it makes it easier to not be married. When you are not married it's easy to just pick up and leave. With the divorce rate so high I think some people don't want to become another statistic. I know I myself don't want to. My husband and I got married in the catholic church. Everytime we have a disagreement and I feel like just giving up, I go back to my vows and I say "For better or for worse." I did not know what was going to be the better or the worse. My husband and I were together for about 6 years before we got married. My son was 4 years old and I used to sometimes think to myself that old saying about buying the milk before you buy the cow. I wanted to marry him for quite some time but things were kind of rocky with us and the situation we had with my mom. Reading your story it sounds like you have a good relationship with your fiance. Maybe the whole thing of it is that to him he takes his vows very seriously and he really wants to make sure before he makes this strong and beautful commitment to you. I know some people think you don't have to be married to have a great relationship. But it sounds to me that being married means a lot to you. For me, it offers stability, assurance and security. It makes me feel that this man is here with me because he made that promise to me. I don't ever have to feel alone because I will have that life partner to experience the many beautiful pleasures of life. So, I guess my advice to you is that if marriage means a lot to you then let him know again. Ultimately, the decision is yours, listen to what your heart tells you. It sounds as if your children care for him as you do so once again listen to your heart. It really is nice to have mamasource to get opinions of different women on what to do in our lives. Good luck and I pray that everything works out well for you and your family.
Take Care
J.

I guess as we get older, we expect things to move quickly. To a guy, three years probably isn't that long of a time. Does he know about your desire to "move to the next level"? Does he or you want any more kids? Make sure your goal matches his. I guess I'm not much help. My SIL just got married at 34 to a guy she'd been with for 10 years (and no kids yet!!) Each situation is different... good luck!

What do your kids want? With kids still at home, I'd find out what would make them the happiest first. Perhaps you have done that already a it sound like you are a devoted mom!

I wouldn't push it. Marriage is not a requirement for a loving, devoted relationship. Being married doesn't mean a relationship will work, either. You sound very self sufficient and balanced and 4 kids is a lot to sign up for (I'm getting ready to have my 4th myself:) If you and he are happy in your relationship, let it progress as slowly as he needs it to to be comfortable. You're young and have a lot of life ahead of you!!!!

Obviously, he's really comfortable in this relationship and he just figures, "why get married? I got all the benefits of a marriage without the legalities....my life is perfect."

So, if marriage is what you want from him, you need to tell him...FLAT OUT that you want to get married and give him a timeline. For men, things are black and white and you have to just say it. Don't assume he knows it. But, you need to be ready to leave if that's not what he wants, unless you're willing to stay in this relationship as is.

With my husband, after some time that I thought was appropriate, I just told him that I was ready to take it to the next level, but that if he wasn't, I understood and that it was okay, but that I was going to move on and date other people. I was matter of fact, not mad at all, not upset or crying, just matter of fact. After I decided to do that, he proposed shortly thereafter. If he wouldnt' have, I would've just moved on. I was so tired of men just keeping me lingering wondering if it would ever turn to anything, so I decided to take the matter into my own hands and it worked. We've been married for 8 years and have two wonderful children. He tells me now that if I wouldn't have done that, he probably would've lingered for awhile longer and that my telling him what I did made him make a decision. Of course, I didnt' have children so that may be different with you, but if marriage is what you want, tell him, be honest and be ready to move on. If he thinks you're bluffing with the moving on, he'll never propose if he thinks you'll stay regardless of what he does.

Good luck.

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 years at the end of this month. He proposed way back in year 2, but won't/hasn't set a date. Either you accept the situation (settle) or you leave. I don't think I settled, I think I chose not to give up a great man, we will get married, eventually....

Now a days it is not a requirement to be married. I know that when we were children our families insitilled the idea of love and marriage. But we are in a generation who had children before we were married. I think if you both are happy and your children are happy then don't push the issue. You might mention it to him that it is something that you would like to do but with any man if you push him he might leave. Don't be in a hurry. Enjoy your life, children and especially your man.

Your youngest is 11?
My opinion then is you stay in this loving relationship and enjoy each others company for another 7 years, just the way it is.

When your youngest is up and out at 18 (to college or job) you will have all the time in the world to devote to this man. Don't sub-divide your attention from your children with the focus on a new marriage and all that comes with it. I am assuming of course that he is not living with you currently.

New marriages are hard work and need to be the primary focus to flourish properly, you can't do that when you still have that many children at home.

It seems he is happy with the status quo, I would just relax and enjoy this time with him and continue to provide the lovely home for your children that your description of home cooked meals denotes.

I know that I am a little late on this subject, but I would still like to share my views. When my husband and I were dating there reached a point that I was ready to get married. I discussed it with him and he said he was very happy with where our relationship was. I told him that I was happy with our relationship where it was, but felt that it would be better continuing on towards marriage. We discussed that relationships either build or deplete. Personally I think that a relationship can not "stay the same". Relationships are what bring us together for a while to see if we want to stay together permanently. He agreed. And within a week was sure we had made the right choice and was glad that I had encouraged the growth of our wonderful relationship. We have been married for almost eight years and continue to have a great relationship that is still growing and becoming better than it was.