Marriage and Kids

Sorry, this is not an answer but it just reminded me of the other morning and maybe it will cheer you up.
I was trying to get ready for work and both kids ready for preschool and daycare while my husband, as usual, was still in bed. So finally (I think one of my kids was throwing a fit about getting dressed) I asked him to get up and help me out the door. He gets up and I go into the bathroom. I come out, happy both kids seem finally quiet, and then see them eating their Halloween candy. I was like, really, for breakfast? I leave you all alone for 2 mins and this is what you came up with?

Was in same boat.
All my requests (complaints as he puts it) to do things like I do, or help
more got me a separation & almost divorce.
Don't worry.....not all him wanting it.......I wanted it too. But then? The
separation happened. I was sad w/o my child half the time AND I realized what he DID do to help.
My advice?:
-let him do things HIS way
-be glad he DOES help (however small or little you think he does help)
The alternative was not good.
I am glad & thankful that we BOTH had a change of heart and wanted to
work things out!
So if he's not a monster, appreciate what he does help with and be glad
that he does.
I know MANY friends who's hubbies don't help a lick! And it's so hard
on them. It's tough and sad.
So take it from someone whose been there....it's not worth arguing,
fighting or splitting up the home for.
So when you want to say somthing snarky...stop....think twice....save it
for the really huge stuff in a marriage.
Wishing you well! ;)

OK, one thing I have learned in my 18 yrs of marriage...either be happy w/ whatever help I get because that means I didn't do it ALL, OR...plan to do it all myself if it wasn't good enough...I choose to be grateful for the help! Don't get me wrong, I like the laundry folded a certain way, dishes done a certain way, cleaning done a certain way...but guess what, if my husband or kids do and it's not perfect, it's still DONE!

As for teaching your daughter good habits, instead of telling your husband that he needs to get her to do these things, talk to him about what you want her learning and why, and just remind her when she isn't doing what you'd like (putting clothes in hamper, etc.)

And the beer...well, we all need to relax and if him having a beer helps him, as long as it's not a case a night, let it be! Can you enjoy a glass of wine or some hot tea to relax!? Join him...even if it's after the kids go to bed!!

Your marriage is NOT doomed...we all go through it, even after many years...we just get better at dealing w/ it and knowing how to avoid those situations! (and I can't tell you how many times in 18+ yrs my husband has said "I can't do anything right!" It's the nag in us wives that bring that little nugget out! LOL! Good luck, hang in there! The good stuf is always worth working hard for!

I hear you.

I have been married 30 years and 1 thing I have learned.. Men are not women.

They just aren't. They also do not want wives to be their mothers. Telling them they do everything the wrong way.

The good news is that as moms we CAN Teach/Train our children to "do it the right way."

So teach your daughter to remind dad that the "clothes go inside the hamper please." "Braids are not for sleeping. "

Ask your daughter to help you by reminding dad.

Worked like a charm on my husband.. He would do anything our daughter reminded him.. with her good manners.

One beer? This is not an uncommon event in our culture. I think you need to address what is making you angry about it. He's not fully present when you get home? He's too silly? He ignores your dd or slinks off to be alone and drink? Figure out what bothers you about it and address that, not the drinking. If it's just the fact that he has one, then maybe you need to adjust your standards.

One thing I have learned in living with someone who does almost *nothing* like I do: I don't always do it right. Clothes can be picked up in the morning by the offending party. Hair can be wetted and combed out then, too. In fact, clothes can sit in the same place on a stair for a week and my life has never fallen apart over it. And *gasp* teeth have gone unbrushed and NO ONE'S TEETH FELL OUT THE NEXT DAY! :D lol.

Take a deep breath and focus more on his good attributes. Ignore the ones you disagree with or irritate you. And go out on a date without talking about the Home Life. Nurture that marriage, like a child, it will die without attention.

I think you need to let go a bit and let him do it his way, even if it is not like
you would do it. Teeth brushed yes. Hair left in braids not a biggie. No your marriage is not doomed, you just need to chill a bit and be happy he is
helping.

We all have are own ways of doing things. I think you are extremely unrealistic in thinking that you should do things the same. And yes, your marriage is doomed if you continue along this path.

Marriage and raising kids includes a lot of compromise.

You need to realize that it will never ALL get done. Determine what's most important and what can wait. Making sure the kids are fed, clean, and put to bed is important - dirty clothes on the floor for a day or two is not.

Focus on each others strengths. Maybe he doesn't go a good job of putting the 2 year old to bed, so that's your strength and it becomes on of your main duties. What does he do well? Maybe he likes to cook, so that becomes one of his main jobs. Maybe you just need him to play with the kids so you can have sometime to do other chores.

Another huge part of making a marraige work is communication. Sit down with him and calmly tell him that he does go a good job at xxxx. Explain that by having your daughter put the cloths in the hamper is a good habit that you're trying to teach her. Talk to him about the drinking, one beer after work is not "buzzed".

Good luck.

He is an individual with his own mind and habits. It is not his job to do things your way. It is both your jobs to find a compromise. A 2 yr. old is not too young to play the game of pick up and learn to put things where they go. She is too young to be punished if she doesn't do it right.

As for the hair, we put put our girls hair in a pony tail or braids for sleeping so she won't have so many tangles in the morning. I find it a nice quite time to spend while brushing hair in the evening. It's a good time to talk about the day and take a moment to connect.

I think you and he need to agree on basics, like teeth brushed. Then the other stuff is filler. If he does a song an dance routine with her stuffed animals, who cares? Only care about the stuff that matters. Your marriage is not doomed. You just need clarity on what needs to be done and what can be ignored. Or, maybe you do the things that are most important to you at night and you let him do the rest his way. Does he know how to braid? Many men don't.

I would find a calm moment to say, "Honey, I appreciate what you do for us and that you get DD ready for bed. I'm sorry if I upset you. I would like to talk about the routine so we can be on the same page/work on our system together."

You cant expect your husband to do things like you do......that is controlling,,,,,,if he looked over your shoulder and had critiques you wouldnt like it either. That is going to cause undue stress on your marriage. Instead, if it ABSOLUTELY HAS to be done......you do it. there are essential things that should get done, like the teeth (he should be doing that) but its not a big deal to let their clothes be on the floor sometimes. If you absolutely cant stand that (which i cant either) then pick them up.....even if its his night.

In the end these petty grievances you guys are having don't amount to anything but inconsequential headaches.

You and your husband need to be on the same team, and the team needs to belong not to you, not to him, but to both of you.

It might be more important right now to back off from a few of the requirements and stay with just a few. Let him decide, for instance, if the clothes go in the hamper right away. (That habit can be developed later.) You decide about the hair brushing (because it's more crucial; tangled hair is *such* a mess to straighten out).

You both sound like hard-working people who are very tired and suspect you're being hassled by one another. If you can manage it, you might benefit from getting a regular sitter weekly or bi-weekly and going out together. Treat yourselves to a little grownup time!

There's nothing unusual in all this. It's the kind of adjustment married people are always learning to make. The thing to remember is that you are on the same side.

And, for the sake of the team, you might ask your husband if he would put off having his beer until after the children have gone to bed.

hardest lesson I have EVER hd to learn in MY LIFE..... is that just because something is not done my way or to my standards, it is NOT done wrong. I had to learn that if I didn't want to do EVERYTHING myself in life, I had to accept that others would do it MUCH differently, but like the other posters have said, at least it is done. I would strongly suggest that you start to teach your CHILD to put her dirty clothes in the hamer, and if they are not there in the am, have the CHILD put them in the hamper. Stop doing it yourself. My older kids did very little in the way of cleaning up and helping out until they were almost 13, and then they did things sooo poorly it made me crazy. I almost didn't want them to clean anything since I felt that I had to go behind them and "reclean" to be sure it was done. However, if something was obviously done very poorly, I made them redo it. Otherwise, I had to let it go and take a deep breath. (and I am VERY OCD, so NOT EASY!) I was bound and determined NOT to repeat this with my second 2 kids, who are MUCH younger than the older 2, so I started them wayyyy younger with cleaning up after themselves and other litle things. They know that I WILL clean their rooms if they don't. ONCE. Anything that I have to pick up goes in a trash bag. I don't complain, don't nag, really don't have to say anything. They DO NOT WANT ME TO CLEAN UP THEIR THINGS! I cannot remember the last time I picked up a toy or any of their dirty laundry. They even sort the laundry into lights, darks, and bleach loads for me on the weekends to be washed. They have done this since they were 3 and almost 5. (they CAN be taught) All pockets are checked, and their rooms are ALWAYS clean. Not sure how to get the hubby to do this too. LOL! After 25 years together, the best I have come up with is if it isn't in the hamper, I don't wash it. (HE has started to wash his own clothes since I don't because they are on the floor and not in the hamper) Hey, it's still less work for me, and I am not the one picking them up everyday. The only thing you can change in this world is YOUR reaction to what happens around you. You cannot change the way people behave. You can try to "condition" how people treat you though by what you will allow. (like my not doing the laundry. It doesn't ALWAYS make it into the hamper, but he gets that he has to do it himself and why) Your marrige is NOT doomed. I would just relax, and let him help where he is willing. The more you appreciate what he DOES do, the more he may do in return anyway. It's the whole catching more flys with honey thing........... Good luck!

First mistake - "You expect him to do things like you do!"...It is NOT going to happen so you can forget about it. He is not you, he is a man and they are not caregivers. It's a positive that he even attempts to help, so praise him for that. The nagging is what is causing him to pop the beer each night.

The best ante dote for that if he isn't used to that is to lay it out for him in plain English. Give him a list of stuff he CAN do that doesn't require technical mommy details and stuff you can relax about. So if putting your kid to bed is going to cause you more grief, then YOU do the putting to bed. Let your husband do the dishes, the vacuuming, the laundry, whatever isn't going to make you stress and at least if that isn't done exactly right, it's lesser of the evil

Your marriage isn't doomed, he is still the same man you loved, your life has just changed because of kids...you are both learning how to cope with 2 young children...Don't chase your husband away for trying to learn how to do it as well. You might not be expert at being M. either, but you were created to nurture and you birth the child so it is kind of automatic, but not for him. So give him a break for trying at least.

I can't speak for the beer- hopefully he's not an alcoholic.

As for the rest of it - most men do less than most women, and women do things better. Now that you know that, is it worth ruining your marriage to bug him about what he doesn't do and how poorly he does it?

Get off his case- it's better to do more than your husband, be more competent than he is, and have a happy marriage.

Well, as someone who has been married for 6 years and still hasn't figured it out, I'd say you're probably in good company. From the example you give it sounds like you're being perfectly reasonable. So, you have to step back a little and consider a few things. Is it perhaps the way you talk to him about it and not the actual request that could be upsetting him? Are there just a few requests you are making, or is it possible you are complaining about many, many things he does and he truly does feel like there's no way to win?

I would suggest taking a little time for yourself and really make a list of the things that are bothering you. Then take a break (maybe even a few days) and go back to the list to try and decide what on the list is something that is truly important to address and what you can let slide. Think about how you want to bring it up to him (you know him and how he responds best) and talk to him about why it really matters to you.

I know with my husband I had to talk to him about why I needed the kids in bed by a certain time. At the time, he didn't get off work until 5:30 and wasn't home until around 6:00. He wanted to work out in the shop and then come inside and hang out with the kids. I had to explain to him why the kids needed to have an earlier and bedtime and he needed to adjust. He thought I just wanted them to go to bed so I could have free time. I talked to him about what time they needed to get up and how they weren't getting enough sleep. Anyway, I had to appeal to him and help him see that it really was about their needs and not mine.

Really think about your priorities and what you and the kids really do need from him. Try to make it more about that and less about what he's doing wrong.

Good luck!

Start watching the show "up all night"... those two have a pretty good relationship.

Yeah, kids change it all don't they!!?! ;) I certainly don't think you two are doomed, but eventually you'll need to get on the same page. I have many of these same struggles with my husband. I think the biggest issue is that they are men and don't get it. I know that this is a stereotype and I know that ALL men aren't this way and frequently moms on here get huffy when someone lumps men into categories but I'm going to take my chances!

Anyway, my husband doesn't pick up his own laundry and put it in the basket, he doesn't clean up his own dishes nor pick up anything that he might accidentally knock on the floor. It drives me up a freaking wall. So, when the kids do it, he doesn't notice it then either and therefore doesn't help them to correct it. I think that these behaviors in my husband are more typical for men than not, but that doesn't mean it doesn't annoy the hell out of me. Nor does it mean that I should accept it and move on like I don't get annoyed...BUT, there is a time and a place and you have to pick your battles with him.

I would suggest that at another time completely, mention to him that hey let's remember to have Daughter put her clothes in the basket when she puts her PJs on b/c I think we should work on that skill with her. Or something like that! If you do it a few hours or a day later he won't get so defensive, hopefully. Also, make sure you praise him thoroughly for the help he did give you and things he did do. This will make him happier and more inclined to hear about the things he needs to add in next time.

Recently my husband and I had a discussion about our bedtime routine too and he does it differently than me, which in and of itself is not a huge deal...the problem was that he was letting my 4 y/o completely and totally manipulate him. Anyway, I was irritated b/c it also made more work for me when he gave into her every demand and I didn't. He got really mad at me when I brought it up, etc., etc. but then one night he put his foot down and started being consistent...and wouldn't you know it, a week later he made the comment to me about how much better she'd been acting. LOL!

Oh my gosh, I totally feel like I'm rambling here and my message is getting lost! It's been a long day! Okay, my point here is that you are not doomed and that you just need to talk. Try to be calm and nice b/c he really does think he's helping, even if he's not. Work it out and come up with a plan so that you both feel good! You'll have good days and bad days I'm sure! Sorry for my babbling!!

I used to do this too. Now I realize that any help is help . Just be happy for anytime you get to get a break and pick uo the socks tomorrow . One day none of what you're worrying about will matter. Tell, your husband you love him and thank you.

I have had to learn that when I come home at 9 and my husband is just feeding our kids dinner, that at least they are still here!! I have a most of the time great guy, but of course we don't do things the same. He's got his complaints, same as I've got mine.

I'd like to say pick your battles on this one. And also explain to hubby that him not following what you do at least a little confuses the kids and makes more work for you. See how he reacts to that. Good luck!

Ok, how about you make a pre bed time chart for your 2yr old to start learning and EVERYONE follows it. My man drinks a beer or two when he gets home from work too, it's just a guy thing - it only bugs you now b/c there is a little on involved and when you start the nit picking you nit pick EVERYTHING you possibly can. I would simply say, it's time she start learning how to do all of this herself don't you? So I am making a chart with pictures for her to follow, at first we need to guide her thru it. So take a picture of HER brushing her teeth, HER brushing her hair, HER getting changed and HER putting clothes in the hamper. She is old enough to start these things and I think this will be a good way to ease the tension. It will turn from doing it for her to supervising her doing it.

I do not think you are being unrealistic, however, I do not think you should get upset about him not brushing her hair. I went back to school after being a house wife for 9 years. My children were 6,7,8 yrs old and I went to school 40 hrs a week for 2 years. My husband did absolutely nothing for our children. Keep inforcing the other rules regarding the clothes and teeth. but, whatever you do, make it a rule to never discuss negative raising infront of your children. That is a Golden Rule... Let your husband know that the two of you are a team, and you also look forward to BOTH of you relaxing together. Good Luck, and hang in there.
Mz Marie

Learn to pick your battles. Everyohe does something a little different than you but does not mean it is done wrong. Reinforce to your 2 yr old that the clothes go in the hamper when you take them off. If the hair isn't brushed so she has a "rough" hair day tomorrow for school.

Sit down with hubby and gently and nicely after praising him for what he does ask him for help in how he can do things to help with daughter. Just listen to what he has to say and come up with a compromise. You don't want to do everything all the time and this will happen if you keep nagging and being negative. He probably feels that he can't do anything right and "what's the use?" So he goes and has several beers. Express how his actions make you feel nicely and how can you two work on a new plan together.

The man you married is still there but you two have become parents and that's why you need a date night to reconnect.

You are not doomed yet just need to readjust the ship's course.

The other S.