Marraige in the Dumps - What Would You Do?

I read through most of the comments and am sorta shocked by how many people just want you to run for the hills. While I am in no way downplaying what you are feeling, you made a commitment and you took vows when you married this man (and personally, I feel that you did it again twice each time you had a child with him). The divorce rate in this country is so high because people always like to blame the other person. I am not saying that is what you are doing here, because you did a good job of stating what you weren't doing "right" in the marriage. I think that the biggest thing to remember is that there are two sides to every story. While you might feel justified in not wanting sex or not wanting to be affectionate, I'm sure those things affect him, and then he feels justified in doing (or not doing) something. It is a big circle, and unfortunately, until someone stops it, it will keep continuing. But that "stop" doesn't always have to be divorce. I went through something very similar with my husband. He was constantly unemployed and depressed and drank a lot. I pretty much wanted to run for the hills. We had a young daughter and if I would have left, I too would have left him jobless, homeless and familyless. However, we have been in counseling now for around eight months and I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We still have a long ways to go and sometimes I leave our sessions so pissed, that I still think about divorce. But I am so happy that I stuck it out because I do love him.

I suggest you watch Fireproof (movie with Kirk Cameron). Basically, it is about a young couple whose marriage is on the rocks and they are about to split. They pretty much hate each other. The husband's father suggests that Kirk try something for 30 days, before he divorces his wife. He does something nice every day for her and writes about it in a journal. During the first weeks, his actions are not reciprocated at all (in fact she is outright mean to him and cannot fathom why he is being nice to her) but eventually his actions work towards them building a future together. I know that not every story is a happy ending, but I feel like yours could be. You state that you love him very much and he is still your best friend. I think that you can work through this.

It won't be easy and there will be times when you get frustrated and pissed because you will feel like you are putting in all the effort and he is doing nothing. And honestly, that might be the simple fact at some point. But in any good marriage, you accept that sometimes you pull the load, and sometimes your partner will. Hope you figure out what is the best option for you. I will be praying for you, and if you ever need to talk, feel free to write back!

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds very much like my former marriage. We were together for over 20 years. I finally realized that I could not be responsible for him and his choices and his addictions. We have been divorced for almost three years, and since then he has gotten better help for his depression/bi-polar, has taken ownership of our house (cooks, cleans, does laundry, etc.), is half-time parent of our daughter, has gotten a reasonable job. ALL of the things I wanted him to do when we were married. He still has his issues, but so far we are sucessful at equally co-parenting our daughter.

I am sure that our daughter is better off this way. I did not want to model a dysfunctional marriage for her where the wife (me) was responsible for EVERYTHING and it still wasn't good enough. The weight (emotional, financial, and physical) off my shoulders is amazing and I love my life.

Please stay in counseling yourself. These decisions are difficult and take time. Please be kind to yourself. You are not responsible for his actions, but you are responsible for your own life and your children. Good luck to you.

A wise person once said to me, "If you want to have a good relationship, then lower your expectations." It served me well. You would have to decide if it's useful for you. These may be the years to "just muddle through" and do what you can to get by, day by day. The boys will not be small very long. For the one with autism, the Autism Treatment Center of America has lots of good information on their website, and lots of expertise at making things work better for the whole family. Regarding your husband, do what you can to see things from his point of view. He quite possibly feels bad about not having a job, and could use some reassurance that you value him anyway. Loving is a choice--it doesn't just happen. Why are you choosing to love your sons, and not choosing to love their dad? And one more thing--what are you doing that is fun for you? It's important to find a way to have some fun, even if you have to start small. A bubble bath? A special candle? A good listener? (Let me know if you want to talk.) Blessings on your adventure!

'

I don't have any advice to offer actually but will tell you what I think.I don't want to think what I would have done and I really don't have any such experiences.I am just writing as neutral third party here and I really hope things work out for you.

Obviously both of you still care a lot for each other. You really don't want to hurt him. And you are not even telling that in the current situation, you would be happier if you were divorced. Then why even think about it? You know sometimes it's easier to just give up and blame on fate and everything else for what happened. I know you have put in a lot of effort into this marriage but looks like your husband is going through some really tough times. I don't think anybody can actually advice you what to do , it's your decision and it should be only yours.

I would say please give a lot of thought before making a decision as it obviously affects the two of you and your children too. I am not saying that you should live through this just because you have to , but you got to decide if divorce is the best option for you right now. Make a decision first and try to stick with it.Maybe write down your reasons on a sheet of paper if you can't think clearly.If you decide that no matter what, you really want it to work , then you should be just focusing on making it work.Or if you decide otherwise, you should try to get some support from family and friends and try to move on.Whatever it is , you have to know what you want to do.

I know it's easier for M. to tell all this, but I seriously feel that the way to address this problem is to first decide what you really want.And then find out what your husband thinks of the whole situation and what he really wants to do. Being unsure or not able to take a decision isn't going to help anyone.You may feel you deserve better and it may come out as anger towards your husband as he is resposible for all this emotional trauma you are going through. It will only make matters worse for the entire family. You tell us that your husband is already too depressed , so you need to be the stronger one here. And also, you are not very much for divorce either.If not , maybe you would have made that decision long back.

I can understand it's tough when you are trying so hard to make this work but not getting any support from your husband, but it would be best to talk to him directly about it(if you already have not done that). If you guys are not at a point where you can communicate without ending up in huge fights , I would say write a letter/email. I think it's better because that way you won't have fighting matches in front of your children.You can deal with your problems without the children being involved and also it's a good way to convey things across without any misunderstandings.If your husband hasn't been able to understand what you tell him , well you can give it to him in writing. That way he wouldn't have to get defensive/aggressive and react immediately.

Maybe he has a lot of inferiority complex as you are successful in your career and he is not even working.Maybe he hasn't even thought about all these things the way you have.As they say guys tend to think very differently . Maybe he is worried about his life , his job ,his failures and maybe just doesn't realize what effect it's having on his marriage. Maybe if he really did, he would do something about it. Maybe amidst all the other problems you say he currently has, you are the only person that actually makes him happy. Maybe he just doesn't show it the way you expect him to or also it could be that things have reached a stage for him too where he doesn't care anymore.You will never know anything unless you both actually open up and talk about it.

Nagging/arguing doesn't help the matter at all. I would say wait for a day when he is not in his very depressed moods, maybe a day when kids have made him happy or maybe an important day in your lives etc and write to him on how wonderful it is to be with him and how things have changed and that you would really want it to be like before. Just write whatever you feel and what you expect from him. I would say it's better not to complain or blame him/yourself for what has happened. Just write a letter which makes him understand what you feel about the whole thing and how you wish things were better. Tell him that you are ready to do anything to make it better and why you have chosen to write to him. He may choose to respond to it or may be not. But then atleast you would know you have tried your best. You have told him everything and now it's his decision.

Remember you can't have a successful marriage with just one person trying to make it work. Depending on his reaction , you would know where you guys stand. If he replies in the positive , you have taken a step forward to make things better. If he still doesn't respond or doesn't seem to care , I think there is no better way to make him understand (you have tried counselling too). And then you can make a decision again but atleast this time you both would know what each of you wants.You wouldn't have to be sad on hurting him etc because he is also totally responsible for whatever happens then and he knows it too. He can't blame you and you shouldn't blame him either. Well that's the worst case scenario.

But you both have been together for a long long time and you still consider him your best friend.Maybe it's the same with him too.I really really hope , he understands what you are going through and opens up and discusses issues with you so that you both can work on them together. Lack of communication on his side seems like the major issue here , so try to make him comfortable enough to share his problems with you. It may not happen overnight , he may have his reasons for dealing with everything by himself.Respect his reasons too. You should understand him too the same way you expect him to understand you.Each person deals with problems in a different way.Women get emotional about everything and men don't.Some people discuss their problems with others, some just clam up.All the best to you!

I agree with Anne W. Marriage is a lot of work, and if you don't put it first, it will end- either in divorce, or just in both of you being miserable, divorced in your hearts. That's not what you want for yourself, your husband, or your boys. Your boys need you and your husband to show them how to have good relationships. Men need to be needed. Their work is how they gain their self esteem. If they can't provide for their family, they feel worthless, which can lead to depression, and then they can't seem to get themselves off the couch.
I think there are a few things you need to do. First of all, stop thinking of divorce as an option. Start putting your energy into positive thoughts, and doing what you need to to help get your relationship with your husband back on track. Going to therapy is a great thing, but if you continue to think about divorce, or you don't put your husband first, it's not going to help. I hope you can get him to go with you.

You need to spend some quality, one on one time with your husband. Get a babysitter, go out to dinner, do something fun with each other to start trying to reconnect. You guys need to remind each other why you fell in love in the first place, and spark that love again. Make a commitment to do it on a regular basis- at least twice a month. Schedule it so it happens. If money is an issue, just pick cheaper dates. Think of it as an investment. It's cheaper than a divorce. Make sure that you tell your husband that you love him, and show him.

I think you need to sit down and have a long conversation with him- about what you need (help around the house, whatever it may be), what you want him to do to show you he loves you (do the dishes, rub your back, whatever), what he needs from you, what he wants you to do to show him you love him, figure out a way to divide chores so that you aren't doing everything, and bring up your concerns about his gambling and depression and how it is effecting the family. This may need to be several conversations, but approach him gently, and just explain that neither one of you is happy right now, and you want to get that happiness back that you had before kids. My experience is that talking things out brings me closer to my husband, even though sometimes it is hard to start the conversation.

Give yourself and your husband realistic expectations. When he is running things he won't do them the same way you do. But you can't do everything!! So, just take a deep breath, and let him fold the socks the way he wants to. At some point, things will get back to "normal" and you can fold the socks your way again. If he is yelling at the kids just give him a gentle reminder, and when the kids are out of earshot, give him the words he needs/give him a suggestion for how to deal with it. Just don't be condescending when you do it, and don't take over.

Your family is worth fighting for. It sounds like you do love him, and you want the best for your family. One more suggestion- pray.

God bless.

Marriage is a being of it's own. It is much like a child, it needs to be fed, cared for, cuddled and cleaned up.
Things were pretty good before you had kids.
Your kids will leave you someday.
The long-term focus needs to be on your husband. As tempting as it is to care more for your children than for your husband, it is not healthy. Your boys need to watch you love on your husband and ignore them for a few minutes. Really, show everyone WHO IS IN CHARGE of your house. It's the adults! Make a choice of who you want to put first, and really be intentional about it. I would feel really crummy if my spouse kicked me down a notch after we had kids.
A mother's heart is amazing. She has a need to take care of a lot of people, and a lot of things. But the priorities that she sets must be intentional. Not prioritizing doesn't mean that you don't have any, it just means that the loudest and most demanding creature will win your affection and attention, and your husband would be happier to go watch football than to have to cry and scream to get you to love him for awhile.
I recommend the book, "Have a new husband by Friday", by Kevin Leeman. He is a fantastic guy, with 5 kids, and has sound advice.
Good luck.

I agree with Jamie...you are enabling him to be who he is. You need to live your life and do what you need to for yourself and your children. If he wants to come along for the ride, then he can get himself well. It doesn't sound like you are the one who can help him at this point. Al-Anon is a great option if you need support. Yes it is directed at alcohol use but it will teach you how to not enable...the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference...

Sorry to hear of your troubles.
Has your husband had his depression addressed?
If not, he needs to address it.
Look into www.retrouvaille.org
My husband and I did it in 2006. It was a positive, emotional experience.
If you do not want to give up on your marriage, I would
seriously look in to this.
Good luck.
V.

You have to deal with his addictions and your way of dealing with his addictions. Additions suck all motivation and life out of our men. With my man I had to finally lay it straight. I said "Look, rather then a divorce, I love you I want to help you through this and stay by your side, but we have to deal with these issues and we are going to deal with them now."

That allows him to understand what you want, but also allows him to choose between his addictions and family. Most men really love their families and will agree to deal with his addictions.

The second he agrees, you need to know who to contact to get that help- gamblers annon?

You need to push him though, you need to be his cheerleader.

- been there still doing that

Hi R.. I am so sorry to read your story! A lot of what you said is what my husband and I are also going through...I am feeling completely emotionally detached from him and also feel "emotionally divorced". My husband has MS and has been on/off work for the past year, and I am a stay at home mom. He is a very deeply depressed person in general and now with the MS and some other medical issues he has become severly depressed. When he cant work he sleeps allllllll day long and complains he does not feel good. When he is awake he does nothing (and I mean nothing!) except play video games. I am afraid to become the working parent for fear that my childrens needs will be neglected. He changed maybe 2 diapers of my sons his whole life and my son is 1 1/2. He wont make them food let alone himself food. Never does baths...etc. the list goes on and on. We are also living as "roomates". We have been married for almost 5 years and 4 1/2 of those years have been unhappily. He has done things in the past that I can not get over. I completely understand your feelings of not wanting to leave but--is it really better to stay, or not?! I feel the same. I honestly dont think that in my situation things are going to work out. My kids have started saying "mommy, i dont feel good..." and it is solely because they hear daddy say it allllll the time. I think that depression is much of a 'learned' behavior and I dont know how much longer I can subject my kids to his depression. I truly believe that they would be better off in a happy environment without seeing him everyday then the one they are in at the moment.
All n all, if I were you I also dont know how long I would stay in the marriage. I know things will be really hard--esp. for your hubs, but I think the well being of your kids should always be first priority. I dont want to say what I think you should or should not do, but thought I would share my own marriage with you and what I think I will do about my own.
I hope this helps--at the least for you to know that you are not alone. I wish you luck in whichever path you choose with your marriage!!

R., I am so glad that you are not just going to "throw the towel in". It is great that you are going to therapy, hopefully your husband will start to go with you more often. I was so glad to see someone suggested the movie Fireproof. I would like to make two more suggestions. Try reading the books "The Temperament God Gave You" and "The Five Love Languages". The first explains peoples NATURAL reactions and why it can help you figure out yours AND your husbands. It really can help people better deal with each other. The next explains the different ways people show their love and in turn how they feel loved by others. These tools just might help you better to be able to reach out to and communicate with your husband. I do with you luck.

God Bless
K.

Wow...this sounds like my marriage at times. I just posted a request last week asking for help with anger management, so I do not have the answers by any means. What stuck out for me was your husband’s unemployment and depression. These two probably go hand in hand. He gets depressed and doesn't want to work or look for work and not working makes him depressed, etc. It’s a horrible cycle. My husband was heading toward depression, and didn’t enjoy being a stay at home dad EVERY day, so he got a part-time job delivering pizzas at Dominos and it seems to help. At first he was like, great, now I work at Dominos. But now he likes picking up shifts and he has made work friends and it isn’t as bad as he thought. He doesn’t want to make a career out of it, but it helps bring in some extra cash and gets him out of the house. It gives him a purpose in a small way. You and your family will be in my thoughts. Good luck.

so sorry for your frustration.

#1. its good that neither one of you wants to give up. that means that neither one of you have gone looking elsewhere for companionship. you are lucky.

#2. this is more common than you think.

#3. your husband needs to be activly looking for a job, or there has to be consequences. mark gungor is a man who is doing marriage counseling type things all over the country, and his messages will have GREAT power in your marriage!! check him out on youtube, especially the clip "mens brains vs womens brains". watch it WITH your husband. if you have an extra 20$, buy the dvd "a tale of two brains" to see the full movie. its life changing.

also, mark gungor has a radio show. if you have facebook, search for him and become a fan or whatever of his facebook, and on the weekdays he posts around 10:30-11:00 what the topics will be on the radio show, and the link to the show. THIS is the link:
http://www.markgungorshow.com/
you can go there NOW and look up the archived topics, and i KNOW this topic has been discussed. when a man is not doing his part for the family, and is not working, or activly searching for employment, he is a burden on the family. mark encourages women to kick that man out until he gets his act together. no, he doesnt encourage you divorce him, but until he can support himself, he is not supporting you, regardless of whether or not you work. but really, listen to mark gungor yourself. also, you may write to him or call the show to have your questions answered.

#4 give him the ultimatum my mother gave my father before their marriage changed forever (for the better!): come to counseling and figure this whole thing out, or you are out of the house. always be welcoming to him when he proves himself as changed, dont divorce him, but give him the consequence.
this is conflicting because in the marriage, i dont feel the women need to push their men down like little thumbtacks. men are supposed to be the head of the household, with their wives supporting them and encouraging them and all of that. not the "50s housewife" that people think of when i say that, but someone who does her thing, and never demeans her husband in action or word. you know? there should be consequences for his actions (or lack thereof) but that doesnt mean that you should put him down. its like, hes not supporting the family, so put him out of the house in a situation where he HAS to support himself. you know?

anyway,
i hope something ive said helps. obviously, if it isnt bothering you that badly, you dont HAVE to kick him out. its not a RULE or anything. but i think a good first step is to watch mark gungor, get his "laugh your way to a better marriage" book or the movie (which is a 6 hr seminar) or the "a tale of two brains" movie. watch them together, talk about them together. that movie WILL help you understand each other better, and i guarantee you will see each other in a different light, and you will be able to figure out how to be happy again. http://www.laughyourway.com/
http://www.laughyourway.com/video-library/

there is also the flag page.
https://www.flagpagetest.com/
this is awesome. changed a lot of things for me. it is 12.50 per person to get a code to do that flag page test, but its awesome. it will be clearly described right on the website. when you get there, dont click anything right away, mark gungor comes out and starts talking and telling you things about the test, and you will want to just be patient so that you cant get the info and instructions. :)

anyway, hope something helps. mark is great. also check to see if he will be having a show/seminar near you sometime soon!

You sound like you want to keep your family together, I can still see the love you have for him as I read. 11 years is a long time. You have gone through a lot of struggles in your life, you have already proven that you can handle what life throws at you. This is just another step in your marriage that needs worked through. Can I say this just from experience with my hubby's family. I can really honestly see how a man can get depressed when his wife is the bread winner, I don't know a man out their that doesn't want to support his family. That being said (and I know that you need to follow your dreams in life I do) but throwing this quest for Grad school is just going to make matters worse. You need to weight at this moment in time how truly important furthering your personal education is over helping your family get back on track. My husband lost his job a while back and it was devastating for him. He is a great worker! Hard worker but the times right now; he was let go. He himself is having a hard time going back into the same field because he is scared it will just happen again. I personally have always valued my family over gain. I stopped college 4 classes shy of graduating to stay home with my kids. Now I am hoping to finish up these classes 5 years later this winter but that might not be possible we have to see where the family is at that time. Now we have only been together for 4 years married 8 years living together but we have had our share of are we going to make it moments. But then we remember that we have always worked are way through the issues. It is going to be hard because what you are going through has been stewing now for a while but it is possible. Make sure he is being heard. It has always been hard for me to get my husband to talk about his feeling (really talk about them) and when I do get him to spill it helps so much. Raising kids in general is a hard task and to put on top of that a medical challenge it just makes it so much harder. Then to put on top of that he is now a SAHD not by choice makes the drive to succeed hard to find.

Now you also should keep in mind that finances are one of the biggest stresses in a family. It is very hard for family's to go without financial problems this day in age. We as a society have so many WANTS, When we should really just be living off of our needs. Taking the steps to solve your financial troubles will also be a big help in the marriage. Even if that takes filing for bankruptcy. But you have to make sure that you are ready want less and strive to bettering your spending habits, Getting your grad degree will do you know good if you financial can't handle your spending habits. 7 years is a long time to recover from bankruptcy and during that time you will have to work hard to make it.

And to be quit honest I think one of the biggest clue's to the reason you are where you are right now is that...you put your children and your work before your husband. It took three years of our marriage and 3 years of my hubby working for a company that he put his heart and soul into, 3 years of hell until my husband was laid of when he finally realized that putting all his hard working into the company and having no energy left to love his wife and kids when he came home was the worst mistake of his life. To loose so much time and love from his family the family that signed on for life. Your employer doesn't sign on for life, they will not be there through thick and thin. That is what your husband and children are for. Your family is a guarantee, not your work. And to know that he has stuck by your side for 11 years now living with someone who puts so much into work is saying a lot on how much he loves you. TRUST me I know the feeling.

wow sorry your going thru this..but i guess if i were in your shoes-which i was 27 yrs ago...tell him to get it together or move out-this is so unhealthy for all involved-but more so for the kids.we all have our limits-sounds like you reached yours.only you can really decide whats going to work for your family-but i would give him a set amount of time to get a job,clean up his act or move on.how are you a dissapointment-when your carrying the full load??write everything you feel about your hubby-and give it to him..maybe thats just what he needs??i finally called it quits after a 2 yr battle.it was the hardest thing i ever did-but the best for all of us in the long run.if you need to talk more-feel free to email me.good luck

I can't comment on all of this, but the one thing I can address is the addictions. My first husband was an alcoholic. I tried forever to get him to get help and for us to go to marriage counseling. Finally, like you, I just went to counseling myself. When I talked to the marriage counselor about his addiction, she said that until he dealt with his addiction, there was no point to marriage counseling. She said she would not counsel us, nor would any good counselor, until he had admitted his addiction and sought help. He never did. He was also emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. I, too, was scared about what he would do. He was jobless, sometimes suicidal, etc. But, in the end, I had to leave. It was the best thing I ever did. He was going downhill and bringing me down with him.

I'm not sure what ever happened to him. I hear news every once in a while, and I don't think he is homeless. I like to hope that my leaving "kicked him in the butt" to shape up, but probably not. The one big difference here is that we never had kids, so I didn't have to keep in touch at all - I was able to leave and never look back. Hope this helps.

R.,

You need to put your resentment about the situation aside. You admit that you don't have time and energy to put into your husband, but yet, you need to find it. All marriage is WORK. It does sound like your husband is depressed. Men's three basic needs are to (1) feel respected (2) feel loved (3) know that he is needed. Right now, since you support the family, he doesn't feel needed. Being a stay-at-home dad isn't easy, because most men are not cut out for it. You need to try (and yes this means extra work for you) to encourage him in his role as father. Let him know how his contribution to taking care of the kids makes it possible for you to pay the bills. Praise him - find something, anything for which to praise him. Take him out on a date - and that could be just having a movie night at home once the kids are in bed - but set aside some one on one time. Do a little something for yourself that makes you feel sexy and let him know it! He'll have no trouble jumping on board.

Addictions aren't easy either - but the fact is that many men turn to them for "stress" release and then have trouble letting the behavior go. Try to help him with encouraging limitations. Do TELL him the limitations, but guide him to set some for himself. Always pose things in a question and let him draw conclusions. Oh, and make sure that when you speak to him - he isn't doing anything else - because he won't hear you. Men do not multitask!

I would suggest reading Dr. Kevin Leman's "7 Things He'll Never Tell You, but you need to know". Just look at as a way of helping you understand the male mind and recognize that no woman completely understands her man and can do everything to keep him happy - it's marriage! It takes two to make it complete and both need to bend together.

I hope this helps:
Lisa, mom of 4 boys, married 16 years and just starting to understand him!

I agree with the last two posters... good advice.
I too am going through a divorce. I tried to make it work for the last two yrs, and the only one trying. He always blamed me (and still does) and doesn't want to own up to his responsiblities. I did everything I could to make this work.
The last poster is right. Go to counseling for yourself... it will help to have someone help you sort things out.
We've been together for 20yrs and married for 13 (I guess 13 isn't a good number - lol).
Although we still are having difficulties (divorce issues), I'm already happier with him out of the house. I think I should have done this long ago... I was always afraid of being on my own with the kids and not making it on my own. I'm doing fine so far.

I'm not telling you that you need to divorce him, but telling you to Do what you need for yourself and the kids. That's why I like the last couple posters... the one who states giving him a time limit on things, etc.

Good luck in whatever direction you go. I pray that things get better for you (one way or the other). Think of your emotional health, and what is best for your boys.

Send me a note if you want to talk. It's nice knowing that you're not alone.

Good luck - I'm thinking of ya.
)))hugs(((
~SR

It sounds as if you are doing what you can on your part. I only want to say 2 more words to that- GET OUT. Sounds as if he's been jobless on his own, so he needs to be homeless and family-less as well, so he can see how good he had it. He sounds as if he needs to be medicated- men are so hard headed though.
Your children will be the way they are raised to be. Think of the young girls who will be in your son's lives some day, your boys will tend to treat women the same way your husband treats you. That's how I contend with my relationships. If a man is treating me in a way that I would not allow my son to treat his girlfriend, then I need to step up and change direction.
Good luck-Oh, and even though you didn't mention alcohol as an issue, I suggest you go to an al anon meeting- for families of alcoholics, When I felt this way in my marriage, they helped me see that no matter what I do- he is not going to get better or change- it is up to him. I knew that, but was nice to have the reminder and support

I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. I think therapy is the right approach (would be better if he came along, but you can't force him). At some point you will arrive at clarity regarding whether you should stay married or not.

When people are depressed they often feel hopeless, like things will never get better. If your husband can be convinced to treat his depression, things may improve in lots of ways. It sounds like you are in a negative feedback loop right now.

What a tough situation. I recommend a book called Power of a Praying Wife by Stormy O'Martin.