Making Mealtime Less of a Power Struggle

I say that the one bite rule is a good compromise.You don't want to completely take away their ability to control what they eat since how much they eat is one of the few things that children have control over. It gives them a sense of independence when they can control these two things. Children will eat when they are hungry. They won't starve. So, if all they eat one night at dinner is three green beans and a biscuit, then better to roll with it than have power struggles every night. Life is too short to fight over food! Hope that helps. :)

Sorry about all of that.. as a mother of 5 and grandmother of 14 I have always made dinner and then we let the kids pick on night each to choose what they want as long as it is with in something good to eat.. NO JUNK.. yes we have had breakfast for dinner and sometimes dinner for breakfast.. but they eat.. I know being a step mom is not all fun and lots of adjustments.. so just give this a try. and you will see that they will want to eat and won't go to bed hungry. Lots of luck and many blessings on the new family.. S.

This was recommended to me by my sister and it has worked for me so far.

One bite of something new. Don't like it, don't finish it.
One bite per age in years from everything on the plate. That way you know they are getting some balance in the diet. If you're 3 = 3 bites of everything, 8 = 8 bites, etc. No exceptions. They can always have more, but they have to have that much at least or no snacks, no desserts, etc. If they refuse to eat at all (rarely), then they go to bed hungry. The plate will stay there for awhile in case they change their mind. This has stopped the fighting and begging. It's matter of fact and the same for all. The only exceptions I might possibly make is if I have made something that I know one child absolutely hates. I have mercy then. But, most things they have to eat even if they don't really like it.

I think the same way you do about the family meal. I do not run a restaurant so unless I know SPECIFICALLY that the meal I am about to serve is not liked by any particular person, too bad, they eat it.

We have found that by instituting a "NO Thank You Rule" in our home, it has made life a bit easier.

When we serve a new food, or something that is being complained about, we give that child (or adult sometimes) a very small amount of the food in question. Basically you want a decent forkfull. Once they have tried it, they are asked if they like it (or better yet, "do you want more") and they either say "YES PLEASE" or "NO THANK YOU" and they are let off the hook.

Like most of us, we eat with our eyes so if something does not look good to us...we don't like it. However, if you haven't tried it, how do you now that you do not like it?

Even if they do not like it now, periodically we will give them another trial to see if their taste buds have changed any but we do not force it. They get praised for trying the new foods and if they do like it, then we usually make a light-hearted statement about "see, you didn't think you liked it, but you tried it and NOW look".

I'm very old school in many aspects..., but we have to rememember when we were a child. As an adult our taste pallets are a lot different. You may eat things now that you did not like as a child. Their pallets are different as well. Most of the times, we cook what WE like to eat because we are the adult. As long as they are eating healthy nutritious foods, it's best for them to eat what they like because they would get a better balance than just eating a spoon full here or there. If they are fully forced and not given a choice, then when they get older, they would more and likely resort to what taste good rather than what's good for them.

Being a parent is very challenging...

I agree with the "you eat what's been made" and no special meals for children. Kids learn to eat whatever we provide, that is what they will prefer, that's why different cultures children prefer foods of their culture, because that's what they're used to.

Today in the USA we have a lot of eating disorders and strange food habits. I think some of this may be learned behavior, and begins in childhood. Not allowing children to recognize their physiological signals of hunger, and especially fullness, is not allowing them to learn good control of their diets. Children know when they've had enough. They clearly tell us. Insisting they clear their plates is, I think, detrimental and trains them to ignore full signals, leading to overeating in later life.

I see my job as a mom as to provide good healthy, home cooked meals. To provide a range of healthy foods and let my son eat, or not eat, whatever I provide. I don't buy junk food in the weekly shopping. So he can only eat healthy food. If he says he does not like a particular food I accept that is his personal taste and don't insist he eats it. This way his body will make sure he gets what he needs.

For ages of 5-7 I have relied on the "if you put it on your plate then you eat it" and let kids decide how much and what of whatever is on offer they eat. This allows them to control their diet and enforces decent table manners. No waste either!

So don't worry about balanced meals. Over time they will eat what they need. Just provide enough healthy food, and don't have junk (high fat, high salt, highly processed) food in the house.

I live by the rule that if it comes in packaging, has a long list of ingredients that I don't recognize as food, some of which may have numbers, then I don't buy it. So I tend to shop around the outside of the supermarket, fresh fruit and veges, meat, butter, bread. That's pretty much all I will buy. If you do that they're bound to be healthy!

If they don't appear to be eating enough, don't worry. Hunger is THE strongest human biological drive, basic survival stuff. They will not starve themselves (anorexia is another matter).

Oh, and I always gracefully accept my son's eating decisions, and insist he ask politely "may I please be excused from the table" when he's done.

Don't make it an issue. I have a 4yo will not eat. He is given what is served and I tell him it is his choice if he will eat or try it. No snacks in between if you don't eat either. They quickly learn not to eat and just snack, IMO. I have also asked him to lick the food in an effort to get him to try it. When he does try something new or eats something he is rewarded. When he was younger we made a big hoopla about it at the table. Now I will give him a dessert (something small) and he is elated. He will ask why b/c it is such a rare occassion that this happens and I will remind him he tried something new or ate this/or that. I just don't make a big deal out of it. He is still super picky and at 4yo he is starting to try things, albeit VERY slowly.... but that is progress. Even as an infant he would not eat and docs said he was fine based on his percentiles. I disagree.... but now I am being tangential. good luck

My kids, 7,5,3,1 know that they have to eat what I serve. I do not make them another dinner. They have to eat one bite of everything. Then, if they want seconds on something they have to eat everything that is on their plate. Sometimes this works if it is something they want bad enough. Other times they decide they didn't want seconds afterall. If they don't eat what is on their plate or I don't think they ate enough I let them know there will not be a snack before bedtime and they should eat what they want now. If I feel like they ate enough at dinner and they come back in an hour or so saying they are hungry I let them get a snack. This works for us. I frequently get comments/compliments about what good eaters my kids are. Just stay firm with whatever you decide.

A comedian once said that more mothers' tired bodies are strewn on the path to toilet training, but I think the food power struggle is a close second.
Here is what we did and how it turned out:
I fix dinner, kids eat or don't eat, kids get dessert. I ignore it all.
Their tastes: the oldest didn't eat pizza until she was 10 or 11, she is a gourmet cook now with a subscription to Cook's and she is a great source of recipes for me. A size 6. Loves pizza.
The second daughter loves to cook but eats out most of the time. Still has likes and dislikes, subscribes to Martha Stewart Living, creative cook.
Third child: he cooks for himself, used to rush through supermarkets begging me to buy artichokes, will eat anything. Subscribes to the Martha STewart everyday living or daily recipe thing. Makes great pies and bread too.
All 3 are healthy as horses. We used to live abroad so there wasn't the plethora of junk food available that you might find here and we often had other kids sleeping over on the weekend. My middle child, having been through this ordeal at other kid's houses would often announce as her guest arrived to the table, "and you get dessert no matter what!" It is only a power struggle if you make it one. The kid will try to engage, don't take the bait.
We also had the rule that if you didn't like dinner, you could make yourself a PB&J sandwich. I don't recall that anyone ever did that either.
Dinner should nourish the soul as well as the body. Fruits are as good as spinach and brocoli. Buy them all, but skip the juice- little to no nutritional value.
K.

I have 3 daughters, ages 12, 10 and 4. I've learned that fighting with them about what they eat doesn't turn them into better eaters. My older two have naturally branched out and tried new things as they've gotten older, without my having to force them and endure the tears and frustration. Our pediatrician once told me that one tactic is to tell them they have to take as many bites of food as they are old...so for your 5 year old, 5 bites. What works for us is this: you eat what is served, and if you don't like it, you eat a bowl of cereal which you get for yourself. Everyone eats a fruit and vegetable with dinner, and if you don't like the veg, you eat two fruits. No one can have dessert without having fruit/veg (we don't have dessert every night). I do make my 4 year old her own dinner, but part of that is because she can't always wait until the rest of the family eats (6:30 or 7), and she eats the same thing every night--a bean and cheese taco (fat-free beans), which is easy to make in the micro. I fully expect her to 'branch out' as she gets older...when my 10 year old was her age she ate NOTHING but pasta and strawberries...she now is my best eater. I think it is more important for dinner to be a pleasant experience than a time to teach the kids to bow to our demands. You are making memories here! Just find a way to keep them happy with as little work required of you as possible (i.e, the cereal for dinner). Good luck!

This exact subject comes up here on mamasource all of the time. You are not alone..

Please remember, children's taste buds are way more sensitive than adults. Certain odors and tastes are very strong compared to all of our taste buds..

Jan 5 2009 Liz, and then Thu. Apr. 02, 2009 there was also kinda the same question.. Here is my answer.

I think as mothers we worry way too much about meals. Your child will not starve. Do not make meal time a battle. It is not worth it.

But,you cannot have your child only eat Chicken nuggets and toast. What you can do is fix meals that are kid friendly, this means, not highly spiced, not large portions and include all types of textures. Keep the meals simple. If you make pasta with a sauce. Place very small portions on the plate and all separate. Let your child decide what parts he will eat. He may eat the sauce but not the pasta. If you are having a salad, put a few small leaves of lettuce, 1 cherry tomato and 1 carrot stick and a small amount of dressing. Let him eat what he likes and if he wants more give him more of that item. If he refuses to eat anything, have him sit quietly at the table till all of you are finished eating. Or you can do what we used to do.

Picky eaters need to be taught to be "Brave Tasters". Encourage the young one to eat 3 bites of food and not spit it out. Also no ugly faces or ugly comments. For each successful brave taste he can be given a sticker. When he reaches an agreed amount, he can be allowed to suggest a meal for the family for another night or as suggested by another mom a fun activity.

Do not make special foods for him. In our family, if you do not want what is for dinner (or any meal), you are allowed to make yourself a bowl of cereal (non sugar)and nobody makes a big deal or makes a comment.

Hang in there mom, he will grow out of this. Many kids are very aware of texture.. Toast and chicken nuggets have a similar texture.

We also do the "no thank you" bite thing. Dessert is offered sometimes, but it is not something we have after every meal. I am aware that children taste things much more strongly than adults. Therefore, I don't make her eat spicy foods. I was a very picky eater as a child. Everything tasted very strong to me (so strong that I remember it vividly), and as I got older, that subsided. I'm almost 40 now, and it's still subsiding. I'm still working on green peppers, though!

So, we do one bite of everything, and if she's hungry she'll eat SOMETHING on her plate. If she gets hungry after dinner and she hasn't eaten well, she is offered fruits or vegetables (or leftovers from dinner) ONLY. Snacks cannot be less nutritious than dinner unless enough nutrients were consumed at dinner. Often she decides she is not hungry anymore when offered only healthy food. LOL

Growing up in my house, we had a "No Thank You portion" if you were offered something and didn't want it you had to try it. My mom did this from when we were little, when she married my step dad and I gained 2 step brothers she did it with them too.. you would be amazed the things they figured out they acutally liked. My brother Ben wouldn't touch mashed potates when he was little... now he loves them.

I make my kids eat whatever I fix, if they don't want to eat, fine, but there won't be anything else later. They will have to wait until the next lunch/snack time.

Good luck!

My sister and I have both used the method described in "Child of Mine" by Ellen Sattyr. This is an amazing book, and we're both extremely happy with the results. But as a preview: The book would say that you choose what goes on the plate, but what they choose to eat off of the plate is your children's business, not yours.

Hi A.,
Bless you and what a challenge you have.
I experienced a similiar situation with a blended family and it did not work the way I wanted all the time.
Here is what I tried to do and sometimes it was the most successful.
I let the children help with planning the dinner menues- I let them help make the grocery list and help with the shopping when I could. I also let them help with the preparation (when convenient and possible) it worked good for a while but they soon tired of it. but, by doing this I learned their likes and dislikes- so it made it easier for me to plan my meals. I always tried to fix what I knew they would like so I knew they would eat- but as a trade off, they had to eat at least a small portion of the other foods. If they did, good, they got deserrt or snack- if not- oh well, they did not.
I did not think it was so important that they always got such a "balanced meal" but that they were not hungry. They soon developed tastes for other foods and the problem ceased to appear. Meal time was not such a struggle- and we never fought over what they had to eat or not eat-
It was not always easy to fix something for everyone but pretty soon you learn their likes and dislikes and they learned to eat what was before them.
good luck and blessings

Hey there,

I am very fortunate to not have picky eaters but when the time has arose for whining etc....they know they do have an alternative. They can either have a bowl of "healthy" cereal, not the sugary junk (each has found one healthy cereal that they like) or they can have yogurt & granola. And of course no snack to follow. Believe it or not they have opted for this maybe once a year.

Good luck,
Debra

when i was growing up we had to try everything on the table you had to at least try it. And we were allowed one dislike for me it was peas, my younger brother it was macaroni and cheese (strange I know ) and my older brother it was tomatoes. This meant you had to eat everything else but these things. and we werent forced to eat alot of other stuff if we didnt like it but you had to take at least a small bit and taste it. that worked well when I was growing up and I used it when my kids were small as well. I think they would be surprised that when you get older you end up really liking alot of different things because you at least gave them a chance.

Hope it helps, and dont worry about the balanced meal believe it or not kids will get what their body needs. just keep lots of watermellon, and fresh fruits around and for a snack in the middle of the day, take a chunk of watermellon outside sit and just enjoy......

A Little about me:
I am 50 I have 3 kids; a 25 year old a 27 year old and a step daughter 24 and I still miss them when they were little.

I agree with a lot that has alredy been said. Yes, kids need to eat what's made for them but know what your kids like and make things that will appeal to the whole family. I cook the main entree to appeal to the adults and the kids but I make up different sides that I know that everyone is getting at least one side with their main dish. It truly makes dinner time smooth sailing. Try not to make it a big issue and it won't be. I have one really picky eater and sometimes I may set whatever meat aside after cooking it and she eats that wih some type of sauce and the rest of us eat it according to a specific recipe and everyone is happy.
Good luck--sounds like you're doing a great job.

We have a "No thank you" bite that is REQUIRED. Period. No if's ands or buts! My son eats things that I don't like and even I am subject to that no thank you bite, which we apply to all foods even if it has been served before. From there it really is hunger that will show them. Don't forget to add milk and juice to your list because kids will suppliment... you know this. I suppliment with veggie chicken nuggets and vitamins. It's not perfect but it works.

I remember when I was a kid my babysitter would make me eat mac and cheese and I could not get up until I did. I hate mac and cheese and always have---forcing me to eat something did not do anything but make me get sick to my stomache. I have always remembered this and have never forced my children to do anything but try a new food. I make dinner each night with sides, with 4 kids everone has different tastes and they eat what I make --even if it is just the side. They are not alowed to snack or get a dessert if they dont eat what they put on there plate. I have always let them make their own plate they know what and how much they want. Of course when they were young Id have them tell me when to stop.
Food is not a issue to fight over...there are too many eating disorders out there that as long as you eat healthy you will get the nutrients you need in your diet.

I can not recommend Ellen Satter's books enough! She is right on target and has helped me with my kids and understanding my own eating habits.

https://ellynsatter.com/commerce/product.jsp?prodId=2

https://ellynsatter.com/commerce/product.jsp?prodId=4

You can likely find it at half price books or on amazon for a reduced cost.

A.

We had no problems with our own children because our philosophy was the same as yours and it was the way we'd both been raised. However, my mom did let my sister and I each have one thing we didn't have to eat. Mine was raisins and my sister's was liver. I don't think she ever ate liver but I do eat raisins now.... smile. Our mother also explained to us that raisins and liver were both good sources of iron, and just so long as we got iron somewhere in our food, it was okay. She always taught us good nutrition while we were still little.

More to the point, one very wise mother gave this advice and theory. She put several small bites of a new food on her child's plate which had to be eaten. If the child liked it, fine, but if not, every time she served the food, she gave the small portion. Eventually, the child developed a taste for that food. She said that typically, it takes serving the food fourteen times before a child began to like it. She had no battles, just a simple rule which included no back-talk, whining, etc. This mom was very mild=mannered but also very much in control.

As an aside, it was the feel of raisins in my mouth and I was grown before I got over that. The first time I was ever made to eat them as a child, I threw-up..... you don't want that!

i understand you thinking here. but really how would you feel if you were served food that you knew you did not like and were asked to eat it. now i do realize that kids can be super picky. example our son will eat chicken nuggets, grilled chicken breast but fajita flavored chicken he will put in his mouth and be horrified and spit it out. there taste buds are still developing. try something like the cook book deceptively delicious by jessica seignfeild. if your worried about there nutrition give them vitamns. dont set the dinner as a power struggle and it wont be. right now its setting is a power struggle. its you eat this in order to either get up, have desert, not argue with parents. it dosent sound fun. we grew up in a house where you ate what you wanted and if you didnt like it you did not have to eat it. husband was raised in a you try everything house ( we were both over weight kids ). today my husband is what i call a "food pusher". i do not like coconut and every once in a while he will push me to eating a bite of coconut cake. just try it. i argue with him and tell him i am a grown woman and have tried many different types of coconut cake and i truly do not like it. its weird to see him do this to his friends and company. i think its rude and makes people uncomfortable. but thats were we balance eachother out. he is there to get people to try something and i am there to let them know they dont have to. its a weird situation.

Mealtimes were like that, too, in our house...a lot of yelling & bargaining. Not anymore. I don't make my son anything else, but if he doesn't eat a balanced meal, then he cannot have a snack or dessert. I make the choice his...and only his.

He will not let himself starve, and it's only a power play. They will learn when they go to bed hungry, but remember...it's their choice. They will have to make this choice by themselves when they get older without us. We have to teach them that their choices have consequences if they choose badly.

Doing it this way has completely taken out the tension in the meal. I let him choose if he eats or not. Most of the time now he chooses to eat his meal (not all if he doesn't want). I tell him that he has to eat more of the good stuff than the junk food in order for his body to work properly.

Here's what worked for me:

Move dinner time back a little so they are good and hungry. About 45 minutes later for us made the difference.

Make sure they get some veggies at breakfast and lunch so you aren't so desperate at dinner time. My kids seem to eat more for breakfast than any other time so I often throw spinach into their eggs. Sometimes I put frozen broccoli pounded into tiny pieces into their grilled cheese or make spinach quesadillas for lunch. ( i put spinach and broccoli on everything!)

At dinner I give them veggies first. I call them appetisers. They actually like them frozen (straight out of the freezer) so while I'm plating up, I give them a handful of frozen peas, broccoli, carrots...They don't get their plates until they eat their veggies. (you could give them cooked veggies--or whatever you want them to eat)

Also, they get the same meal served again if they don't eat it. I remind them that it will taste better now than it will tomorrow...

Oh yeah! My daughter HATES peas. Its the only veggie she refuses to eat so I don't push her. But! The rest of us like them so we eat them a lot. I always give them to her and tell her she doesn't have to eat them. Recently, after years of this, I've noticed that she eats them...not all of them...and not if anyone is looking...but she eats some, so don't give up!

Good luck!

My parents were the same way and I agree. I have an 18 month old so I am not to the struggle yet but I do not make anything special for her. If she does not like it, she does not get anything else. She does get all of her vitamins thru her rice cereal and the dr. agreed and said she was getting all of her vitamins.

I think making them eat 1 to 2 tablespoons of what they do not like will suffice and just make sure they take their daily vitamins.

Your suggestion about making them take a bite of everything and then eat what they want (of what is on the table) is how I grew up. We knew that if we didn't get enough there was no snacking later. Nine bean soup night at my house sucked :) I learned quickly.

We still argued and cried but we were just being kids.

For peas -- we hated them. Mom and dad required the number of peas we ate equal our age. My little sister would still cry when she had to eat them.

We laugh now that we are older with kids of our own but it got me to try things I would never think about trying as a kid. I use to hate potato salad -- now I eat it. I was required 1 potato chunk as a kid.

I did outright refuse eggs. Mom would give me cereal. That was the only meal I didn't have to eat.

I think you are on the right track. We use the same philosophy for our almost 5 year old. She always asks "how many bites do I need to eat?" At first I would give her a number....but now, I just tell her to eat until she's full (but she must have SOME of everything on her plate). When she's done, my husband or I look and decide if she has had enough to "earn" snack/dessert. She knows that this is a treat and not something to be expected each night. A couple of nights ago, she didn't like what we were and didn't have a single bite for dinner. As long as you offer healthy things and stick to your guns, they will get a well balanced diet. They will eat when they are hungry (even if they don't like what's being offered). We are mothers....not short order cooks. Remember, your kids aren't the only ones who will sometimes go to bed hungry.....they won't wither away over night!