Making Children Be Friends.

It's not about settling differences. Not every person likes and wants to be friends with everyone else.

Being polite is one thing - that's necessary. But how would you feel if someone told you you, as an adult, that you HAD to be friends with someone, not just be polite, but be friends with? It's not going to happen. It would probably piss you off, and you would resent it.

Don't do it. It's not fair to the kids. Require they be polite and leave it there.

I don't think you can "make them be friends" but you can expect them to be civil, friendly, and respectful. Some people just rub each other wrong and will never be friends...they should agree to disagree, be able to interact respectfully when interaction is necessary. So, if they are at the park and there are others to play with maybe they don't play together but if they are at a party and they are playing games they can certainly get along short term.

You cannot make anyone, be friends. Children or adults.
A child, does not have to be friends with someone, just because their parent wants them to.
"Settling differences" between them, will STILL not MAKE them friends. And/or it can make a child resentful.
Would you want someone to make you be friends with someone you don't want to be friends with?

I think the big question is, How old are your kids?

Are we talking about 2-year-olds here? Then yes, they should be told "Johnny is your friend, and we do not bite our friends, or grab their toys, or throw sand at them."

But the older kids get, the more they should be allowed to make these choices for themselves.

For school-age kids, you can say something like, "I know Johnny is not your very best friend, and that's okay. But when his family comes over, it's your job to be polite and find some way to play together."

Even not-friends have to use manners -- does that make sense?

You can't make your kids be friends with kids they don't like any more than your boss can make you be friends with an abrasive co-worker.

I think if you quash their feelings and make them think their feelings are not important, this will become a lifelong obsession with 'people pleasing'. It's perfectly okay to tell them I know you don't like them but their mom is my friend so can you play nice for a few hours so my friend can come over? You might want to ask them why hey don't like these kids. They may have a good reason.

For me, if there is someone I don't care for, I will be civil but I certainly wouldn't entertain having them to my house for coffee. I feel the same with the kids. If they don't care for someone, and they aren't being mean or bullying, don't make them be friends. I must agree with your husband on this one. I simply try not to litter my life with people I don't care for and I wouldn't hold my children to a different standard. I think it promotes phoniness (sp?) and that is certainly not a trait I want to instill in my kids.

No one forces me to be friends with other adults, why would I expect different for my children? Of course I have to learn to work well with people who aren't my friends and be polite and civilized to everyone but there's no reason to make your kids do more than that. Frankly there have been some kids that my friends had been friends with who I was very happy to see fall to the wayside. Friendships are going to come and go - no need to force things. Move on.

I think it's important to teach kids how to HANDLE differences, rather an settle them.

Not all differences can be settled. If Kid A has a certain personality or mannerisms that annoy Kid B, the two just may not get along. The differences are part of who they are, so there is no way to settle anything. Instead of trying to force them to be friends, they should be taught how to politely handle situations where they may have to be together. Trying to force them into friendship is just going to teach them that you don't have to like your friends... Which would be weird, IMO. Lol.

I would promote diplomacy over friendship.

I don't make my kids be "friends" with anyone, but I do insist that they treat everyone nicely, behave in a polite way with everyone, share with everyone and try to include everyone. For instance, sometimes I will get together with my friends and their kids. My kids don't particularly like my friends kids, but for the time they are together they can play with them and be polite. I mean, as adults we don't necessarily want to be friends with the other parents at school, the people we work with or our neighbours, but we are expected to make nice with them, talk to them, interact with them and be polite and helpful to them even if we aren't going to invite them home with us or go out for a night on the town with them.

I don't believe people (adults or children) can be forced to like one another. It's either there or not. Simple. However, as a parent, we can teach our children to accept people for who they are learn how to get along regardless of chemistry. Take my husband for example. He was raised as I described. This has helped him in his career more times than I can count, as he knows how to "mold" his personality around others' personality types. So, I wouldn't force friendship (that will never work anyway).

I think forcing children to be friends railroads the child's authentic feelings and is really ONLY about the parent and their unmet needs, whether they are aware of it or not. This will only cause resentment toward both the parent and the forced-upon playmate; the child does not feel the moment to be *true* to their own desires.

Your question, taken as a whole, is ambiguous. I am not sure if you are asking about making children be *friends* vs asking children to behave respectfully to each other. These are two entirely different things. For example, at the playground,we expect our kids to be kind and careful for others. In my eyes, that's where the obligation stops. Some kids don't have enough in common with each other, or are of very different temperaments. Kids are people, and there are some people who are just disagreeable. Just ignore them and move on. It's what I would choose to do as an adult, and why would I expect differently from a kid? If one thinks about how much parents expect from children, I figure that my son has the right to choose who his friends are.

My daughter doesn't get along with one of her classmates. The rules are she has to be nice to her, but she doesn't have to play with her or be friends with her. Just because you may not be friends doesn't mean there are differences to settle. Maybe the kids are just two different people who shouldn't be friends. I think kids should always be respectful and nice, but not always friends.

As an adult do you have to be friends with everyone?

Why can we not teach our children that we do not have to like everyone but we do have to respect everyone.

I certainly do NOT like everyone I meet. I do my best to remain cordial and appropriate with all people and give everyone due respect, but again - I do not have to like them.

I think it is a change on wording/perspective.

I think that no one is going to get along with everyone and that's okay. What you are telling your children is that it is NOT okay to have differences with other people and if you do, then someone needs to change their perspective so that we all think/feel/act the same hence no differences.

What you should be teaching your children, IMHO, is tolerance and acceptance of those we have differences with. Teach them "to each their own" and how to "agree to disagree" and move on.

It's all right to encourage friendships but when it's obvious that children dislike each other, or one child really dislikes another (and the other is oblivious) it makes sense to NOT force them to make friends. It wouldn't be friendship. Sure, it's a good lesson for children in making nice and being polite and doing it even when they don't want to... being kind just for kindness sake. But forgoing a friendship can also be done kindly.

It's reasonable to try to settle actual differences. But if they just don't click, or their personalities conflict, or they are clearly awkward and uncomfortable with one another, then no, I don't think it's right to make them be friends.

Forcing kids into a pseudo friendship teaches them that their personal boundaries don't matter in a social situation. I think that is setting them up for dysfunction in future relationships as they mature.

I am not friends with everyone so why would I expect my child to be. Some women are snarky bitches who do nothing but complain about their husband. Doesn't sound like good friend material. Some kids will tell dirty jokes, push you down, and pinch you. Doesn't sound like very good friend material.
I am in the camp of, "You don't have to be friends but you don't get to be rude." L.

There's an old saying....you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your nose in front of your friends! There are do's and don'ts here about friendship and frankly, a "forced" friendship to me is a fake one! Of course kids need to learn diplomacy, manners, and social skills. It is up to us as parents to teach them those finer points. But....if its not okay for us as adults to be forced into relationships and friendships that we don't want, then why would it be okay for your kids? Are they not miniature versions of what they will be as adults?
I guess I'm not a huge fan of picking our kids friends or making kids be friends with someone for anything other than a genuine feeling that your child like this friend, feels companionship and support from them, has common interests and above all....the friend is loyal, honest and trustworthy. Great friends are not people you can live with, they are people that you can't live without!

Some kids/people just do not click. Not a big deal. There are some kids in my son's school that have really poor behavior and I am happy he does not hang out with these kids.

There are also some kids I wish my son preferred because I am friends with the parents. The kids will have fun during get togethers, yet will not run to each other on the playground at school (I'm happy they do not dislike each other this is when things get sticky between the family get togethers). I think it is cool when I see a friendship foster between two kids without any adult coaxing.

sometimes kids DO have to push past a natural antipathy. if they're next door neighbors and play outside a lot, or cousins, or sharing a work station at the art center, they have to learn some coping skills. it's good for kids to encounter other kids who are not kindred spirits and figure out how to navigate these relationships.
but they're not going to know how right off the bat, and it doesn't mean they have to constantly compromise or bend over backwards to be 'nice' to people who are rude, or mean, or simply not compatible.
i don't think friendship should be pushed at all. (okay, we all want our kids to be friends with our BFF's kids. but for the most part, let them develop their own friendships.) but they should be helped and guided in how to handle people who are more challenging to their own basic nature.
khairete
S.

I really think it depends on the situation. If you are neighbors that see each other every single day then they all need to play nicely together when outside. Inviting inside for playdates or whatever isn't necessarily required but they have to all be able to play nicely outside if they are all outside. In a classroom or group, again, they need to all be able to play nicely together when together as a group. They don't have to go out of their way to be personal with someone they don't care for though.
I really think this is what's gotten lost. Kids don't need to be forced to be friends on a one on one basis on a personal level with everyone but they need to learn to put aside their differences and play together when in a larger group or public situation.

Sometimes people are not compatible - this goes for kids (and siblings) too.
They don't have to be fighting but they should aim for a level of politeness (be as polite as you would be to any stranger).
If they don't want to hang out together then don't force it.

According to your other post, your husband was bullied as a kid. So if this is a true story and not a research project, then why WOULDN'T he feel that children shouldn't be made to get along? What if someone had told him that he had to be friends with the kid who tormented him?

Instead of trying to make everything roses, why don't you consider that you don't get to "fix" everyone around you? If kids don't get along, there's a reason. You can only work on the reason on your own side of it. You can't work on the reason for the other kid - it's not your place. And your child has the right to not care for another kid's personality.

Yes, little kids fighting over a toy need to learn to play together. It's not about them "settling their differences". Up til a certain point, it's the adults in their lives that help them learn to share, to not fight, etc. There's parallel play for the younger set, playing together where children have equal footing when they're a little older, and then by the time they are really old enough to have an opinion, they choose their friendships. For the kids who tend to bully and call all the shots, it's the adult's responsibility to prevent that. When they don't, the other child should have the right to say "I don't want to play with him." Let it be.

You can make them be nice to other kids, but you can't make them like a kid they don't like.
Sometimes personaliies just aren't compatible.
If they don't like the other kid, it's not a friendship.
Even if they're siblings, you can't make them like one another.

It depends on the situation. I make them interact with the other kids a handful of times before I say, okay, you don't have to be friends with them.

Either way, they can't ignore them when they see them, and they can't be mean.