Major Parenting Differences W/hubby

I am going to be in your position in 2 months. I already cave every time my daughter requests "up".... so, now you have me thinking. if it will get worse when the new baby comes, I need to set some boundaries myself!

Anyway, I really liked the advice you got about explaining that if she doesn't start to learn to deal with dissapointment and "no" now, she will actually be more unhappy later when she can't get what she wants because she won't know how to deal with it.

Can you give him a concrete dinner offer? Tell him to offer her chicken or meatballs.... for example. If he really wants to give her an offer, that sets some boundaries while still allowing her to feel in power of her choices.

I realize you only gave a sampling of specific behavior to us. But rather than abstractly telling him to set more boundaries, tell him exactly what needs to happen. She is being put to bed at 8:00 one way or another. end of story. I mean, kids can't even tell time yet, so 8:00 and 9:00 is the same to them. Let him know that it won't upset her to stick to her bed time because she doesn't even know the difference.

As far as the treats and cookies. That is just not healthy. He must want what is best for her. Giving a toddler sugar is not healthy. Soon enough he won't be in control of how much she has and he doesn't want to set her up for an out-of-control sweet tooth. She will be much more unhappy later in life if she has to battle weight issues.

Anyway, maybe the compromise can be that you two discuss what is actually harmful to her and what isn't. Maybe you can cave a little on the picking up and whatever else that may seem like spoiling, but doesn't harm her. And he can stick to some of the rules that affect her health and safetly. Have a conversation about which rules fit each category. If you decide that there is no harm in some of the things he gives in on, you can "spoil" her a little in the day with those things and not be such a bad cop. And you can comfort him into realizing that she is still happy and getting her needs met, so he doesn't need to go overboard with the unhealthy things.

Dear Gloria,
I was in that situation a while ago. Husband is strict here but is the fun child a heart parent. Me I've been a parent most of my life. Took care of so many kids and helped raise my sisters. I never got to be that kid. So it came down to the different parenting issues with my husband to. We have had so many discussions and finally got to where I gave him a look when doing something I didn't like.so then he started making me the bad person. Mommy said no. Then I gave him that look again and discussed that issue. It does take time. But need to nip in bud or he is gonna make it so out of control that it is going to become unbareable. He needs to spend time hugs and kisses when he gets home just to show he missed her just as much. But limits on that other stuff. It will get worse. Baby around for awhile and not going anywhere so he needs to start easing her off the extras. It gets a lot worse. Seen first hand. Sit down with hubby do a list. Pros and cons. Find out a lot that way. Why he does what he does on his list and why you think it is wrong. Stick with lists. What you agree on and then go to the other stuff bit by bit. Hope this helps some.good luck!

Hey Gloria,

Congratulations on the new baby!!! I think most parents experience two different parenting styles because we as parents ourselves were raised differently. I also think it is normal that children act differently with mommy, daddy, teacher etc. However it is important that daddy realize that consistency is key to raising a well rounded, well behaved, child. Without consistency you will have an out of control toddler, that will turn into an out of control school age child, and then an out of control teen. Daddy's like to spoil their little girls but dad has to realize that certain things are not negotiable and like you said maybe you can both meet somewhere in the middle. I think if you can express to him that you are not trying to be the bad guy you are doing your job as a parent. There is always time for love and kisses, and then there are times when we cannot be their friend we must do our job, and set boundaries. Children crave boundaries it is what keeps them calm, happy and in control. Try to explain to him that giving her everything she wants in life is going to set her up to never be able to handle disappointment, failure, or anything unpleasant that comes her way. Yes she is only a toddler but she will learn how to use her power to control him and later on he will not be able to undo what he has done. So I agree you need to make a plan on how you are going to handle situations. Instead of picking her up as she demands tell him to bend down when he comes in give her a hug and a kiss, give mommy a kiss, and then new baby a kiss and then go about his business. This way he feels he has not ignored her but he also is not going to give in to picking her up when she demands it and he is also showing her that she has to share her daddy as well. When she is hungry before dinner tell him to offer her fruit and no cookies until after dinner. It is not being mean to do what is right for our kids. It almost feels like he is guilt parenting and he may need to get in touch with why he feels the need to give into her every whim. I did it with my first because I became a single mom when he was 19 months so I had guilt because he didn't have his dad. Your hubby sounds just like I was. Never wanting to say no, never wanting them to cry. Even though I didn't have reason to feel guilty I still did. If he thinks having a sibling is taking attention away from her then you can ask visitors to be sure to greet her before going to the baby so she will not feel left out. Funny story when my mom brought my brother home (47 years ago lol!!) I pinched him really bad on his leg. So she put a note on the door asking all guest to please greet D. before seeing the new baby. I was three so I asked her what the note said. She told me if was for the milkman not to leave milk. The next morning she opened the door the milk was delivered and she said I looked at her and said I guess the milkman can't read. Point is most children experience jealousy and it is normal for them to act out so just tell hubby her needing extra attention is normal but it does not need to be overcompensated to this degree. I hope I don't sound like I am trying to be a psychiatrist because I surely am not. I just know as a parent my husband and I have disagreed many times on parenting styles just never in front of the kids. We have both made poor decisions and have realized that after. Lets face it they don't come with instructions. I hope this helps right now I am sure there are adjustments for everyone and I am sure you are both exhausted so just try to cut you both some slack and I am sure it will all work out. Congratulations again.

Regard,
D.

You need to draw some boundaries here: picking your daughter up when he comes home because she misses her parental snuggle time: good. Cookies before dinner and ignoring reasonable bedtimes: bad. Can you discuss with him some special things he can do with your daughter when he's not at work as a treat 'for being the big girl who can do so many more things than the baby'? Try to focus on the positive as much as possible, praise the good things he's doing, then voice your concerns about nutrition and sleep.

Well Gloria, per experience, dads are more involved with kids once they hit toddler stage. Baby stage is all about mom and baby (breastfeeding, feeding, changing, soothing etc). So now that there is a new baby in the house, he's just directing all his attention to the toddler and leaving you deal with the baby. I understand about fear of becoming short order cook, but I just don't see much wrong with him giving into the toddler, who I assume is having major issues now that the new baby is home. All the attention she used to get is not split in two. A difficult task that is for a young child. If he gives an open end choices, well, so what. Let him prepare what she asked for. Let's see how long he lasts with that. I think once the baby starts crawling, and is more mobile, and you can start redirecting your attention to both kids, equally, I think that is when you need to start a new page, obeyed by both of you. Until then, let the toddler get what she can get out of dad. I really don't see much wrong in what he's doing, and I applaud him for being involved and caring.
Good luck