Lying Grandson

My son went through the same thing at that age and now at 7 I find that he will still lie about somethings. I remember reading in I think a Parents Magazine, that children don't understand that they are lying. They want to please you so they will tell you what they think you want to hear (I hope that makes sense!!) The article said when you catch them doing this ask them again in a calm voice, what happened and once they realize that they are not going to get yelled at they will tell you the truth.

I have been trying this with my son, and when I don't get upset he does tell me what actually happened. There are also a lot of times still, I know he isn't telling me the truth but I take his word and let him know that he won't get in trouble if there is something else he needs to tell me.

I personally wouldn't lie to him, he is to young to understand that you are just trying to give him a taste of his own medicine. I don't know if this will help you any, but since changing my way of dealing with my son's lying he seems to be getting better!!!

Good Luck
A.

When he says he's "pretending" explain to him the difference. Believe me, I have heard the "pretending" excuse from my kids. I just said "Pretending is when you're playing and you act like you are spiderman. Lying is when you say you made your bed when you did not make it." Then, I told them that lying is not accepted and they would have to get a spanking. He is old enough to understand the difference, you may just have to enforce consequences in order for him to follow the rules for it.

Also, Amy, you may want to reconsider allowing your son to get away with lying when you KNOW he's lying. You're teaching him that he's able to get away with not telling you the thruth! The point of enforcing consequences is to make your child be easily able to choose his actions BEFORE he makes bad choices. If your child has endured consequences for lying before, they will think twice before trying to do it again because they will know the last time they lied they got in big trouble. But, if you're allowing him to get away with it, when you know he's doing it, then you're also teaching him that sometimes he can get away with not being honest with you, and boy will that suck for him to think when he becomes a teenager!! When I knew my kids were lying, and they were reluctant to tell me, or were flat out NOT telling me, I would at first give them a chance, and then if I realized they weren't coming clean, I would tell them "I'm very disappointed in you because you have made the choice to not tell me the truth. If you had told me the truth, I would've considered not punishing you very badly, but now that you have chosen to NOT tell me, you will be punished worse." Just ignoring the fact a child is lying only TEACHES them to LIE. Definitely don't take that route, R.!!

Just commenting on the comment the woman made about how it "seems like Julie's children are afraid of getting in trouble" Does this statement not represent EXACTLY what we are trying to teach our children as parents???? Thank you to whoever said that because I'm sitting here applauding myself!!!! I am not trying to get all religious on everyone here, but God says he WANTS us to fear him. Children are SUPPOSED to fear getting in trouble! Why else would they make the choice to not do things they aren't supposed to?? Because of guilt?? Give me a break. This board is getting pretty liberal, maybe from the upcoming elections, but come on people. Discipline your kids so that our kids aren't subjected to all that bad behavior all the time........

My daughter is 4 but instead of saying she was "pretending" she will tell me that she was "just kidding". Now when she says something I'm not sure about I ask her to look at my eyes and I ask her if what she is saying is the truth or if she is just kidding and I tell her I promise I won't get upset if she tells me the truth. She will usually tell me its the truth or she will start fidgeting and say she is just kidding. I try to explain that its not nice to lie to people and if I find out later that she lied to me I will be really upset with her. So far this seems to be helping (I think). I read somewhere that young kids who lie a lot are very creative and intelligent. I'm not sure if its true or not, but it sounds good to me - that must be why they are doing it. :)

Can you set up trust situations so that he knows the consequences? For example, if your grandson wants to go in the backyard to play by himself. Ask what he's planning to do. Pretend to think about it then say, "No, you've lied to me too much. I can't trust you. You'll have to stay inside." Set up incidents as much as possible so that he understands that the consequences of lying will be a lack of trust - maybe involve the rest of his family as much as possible as well. I know it goes against the grain - you're supposed to set up situations where kids can show they can be trusted, but... I just know that my daughter is very independent and the few times I have refused to let her do something because of a trust issue that was based on her lying, she's really paid attention. It's been a while since I've caught her in a lie because I made it so clear what happens when I don't feel I can trust her.
God bless you, Grandma Rose,
E.

Sounds like, as others have indicated, that he needs to be taught the difference between lying and pretending.

It could be he's trying to see if he could pull a fast one or he might think that by lying/pretending he'll won't get in trouble.

The daughter should not be putting him down for it either. That's certainly not contributing to solving the problem. BUT she could be included in solving the problem - in trying to help him understand the difference between lying or pretending, or "acting" and telling the truth ("What really happened?")

I think its a phase. We are starting to go through it with our 4 1/2 year old. Not all the time but sometimes. He says he's just joking me. I remember my niece and my nephew also went through it when they were that age. Gave my brother fits. I have heard other parents say it starts about that age too. I guess just keep teaching. They will get it eventually.

Hello. You have received quite a range of opinions so far. I thought I would just share mine too :) I have a 5 yo who lies about dumb stuff and is very adament about it. I have a 12 yo and 9 yo who lie to avoid getting in trouble. I agree that at the age of 5 he is not quite sure what the difference is between lieing and telling the truth. "The boy who cried wolf" is a good story, but Ponocio might be better b.c (if I remember correctly) his nose grows bigger with each lie, he might not understand the point of the Wolf story. I would be mindful of how the 8 yo is putting him down. I agree that at times it is best as parents to just let natural consequences deal with a problem. My 5 yo picks her nose, we tell her that behavior is gross, we don't want her touching us b.c of germs, etc. But we don't put her down, I don't allow the 'your gross' just 'picking your nose is gross', And YES there is a HUGE difference between the two statements. Since your 8 yo does Not lie and you do Not lie, I honestly believe that he will outgrow this behavior, as long as he knows it is not acceptable. When I know that my 5 yo is lieing, she is punished. She must go to her room or to time out or can't have the cookies b.c she says she didn't have any and I seen her eat 2 already. I remind her of the truth and I tell her that when she is ready to tell me the truth about how many cookies she really ate (for example) she can have one more. With my daughter, I know alot of times she 'lies' b.c she can't remember what exactly happened, or she doesn't remember eating those cookies 30 min ago. Sometimes she lies to avoid getting in trouble. And it can be Extremly trying on your nerves to figure out the difference between a bold face lie, pretending, or just not remembering and wanting to answer the question. I would also be mindful of who he is spending his time with. If he is spending his time around other little ones who lie constantly, that would most likely increase the behavior and getting his way with lies would also increase the behaivor. If you know he is lieing, I would punish him and tell him while he is being punished "you are being punished for lieing to me, I know that you ate two cookies and you told me you didn't". And at the end of all my children's punishment is an apology from them, even if a simple "sorry" with a kiss and a hug, so that they know we still love them. Best of Luck and God Bless you for raising your children and grand-children.

I agree with Kim S about the importance of children being able to trust not fear their parents--I was very afraid of my father, but not my mother and guess which parent I am close to as an adult and which one I am not? I will say though a little fear of disappointing parents is ok--there is a distinction.Knowing your mom or dad will be sad or disappointed in your behavior is as good motivator.

I did a little research on this and every thing is telling me that 4-5 is the age that they are just learning the difference. It's time to teach not punish. I found this from the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry:
"Young children (ages 4-5) often make up stories and tell tall tales. This is normal activity because they enjoy hearing stories and making up stories for fun. These young children may blur the distinction between reality and fantasy."
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_...

I also think that Amy nailed it. Children need to be taught that they can be trusted and that as their parents, so can we. It would seem to me that Julie's children are simply afraid of getting into trouble. If that fear is taken away, then they are more likely to trust us. I don't believe that physical violence with children will solve anything and will only teach your children to get better at steering clear of what makes the parent mad and maybe even get better at hiding things.

Helping your grandson learn the difference between a lie and pretend and also making sure that he knows that you can be trusted will go a long way. Children need to be respected, not broken and punished. I recently found a wonderful book about gentle discipline and respecting children. Unconditional Parenting. Great read.

ETA: Fear in children is NOT, NOT a good thing. Afraid of getting in trouble because of what mom might do to them. I have ABSOLUTELY no intention of making my children afraid of me. When children are afraid of their parents, the very people that are supposed to be protecting them, they then have no safe place to be. Again, children need to TRUST, no FEAR their parents. And, it amazes me that you are proud that your children fear you.

we have read some books about lying and talked a lot about why it is important to tell the truth.

we got a fun book called how to behave and why, it talks about stealing, lying, cheating, etc.

They are taught to use their imaginations and tell stories in school. (If he goes to school). And many kids don't get the difference between the two, that they have to be seperated in real life. Try explaining the difference between fairy tail and real. This worked grately with my son this past year. The other thing I found myself saying was "Is this real or a story?" He did finally get over it and start telling the truth.