Lying - Norfolk,VA

If the speech you gave was given before and the lies continued then it didn't work. The consequence depends on the crime. For instance, my nephew lied to me several times about not doing his homework and as a result he had to bring all of his books and noebooks home everyday, even if he didn't have homework in all subjects. When he lied to me about breaking my alarm clock, I withheld his allowance until it was paid for.

Hi, C. - If you feel he got your message, I'd leave it at that. If he lies again, that's the time to issue a punishment. Try to make the punishment fit the crime, i.e. if he lies about where he is going, for instance, then he is grounded from going anywhere, etc. Make sense? Good luck! N.

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your lives right now. I wonder if there is a reason he lied to you. If he lied to protect your feelings, you need to tell him that you are the grownup and that you can deal with the truth.

I think that I would remind him not to lie. I would also figure out a punishment for lying. This way you can tell him that you would rather hear the truth and that he will get in double trouble for telling a lie.

YMMV
LBC

I think if this was the first conversation, let your disappointment suffice. If it happens again, back it up with a further punishment. I also think that punishments need to be presented during the discussion about what was done wrong. I don't think it serves its purpose to let him walk around unpunished then drop a punishment on him after the discussion.

Hi C.,
I have 2 sons that are now young men and an almost 14yr old son and 2 11yr old daughters. So I understand. My oldest is in the military and has been for 7 yrs now, I understand that too (though he's 24 and not married).
I say punishment is needed depending on the "crime". Perhaps in this surcomstance, a warning that more severe action will be taken if this or anything like this is ever to happen again along with us (Mom and Dad) loosing trust in you. Starting first with things he values like taking away the cell phone and or ipod (if he has one), sleep-overs with friends, no going over to friends houses, or if you allow going to outside places to "hang out", that could be cut out too. What you could start is if he owns a cell phone, ipod-touch or any other device that needs to be charged. Tell him that he will have to keep all of his things that need to charged up down in the dining room by 9pm to charge over night. This way you (as parents) will have controle of it and you know he won't be getting or recieving calls at all hours and you can scroll through it and monitor what he is up to. It's what WE have to do sometimes to ensure our kids are making the right choices. He also needs to understand that he is an example to his younger brother as well (though he doesn't want to hear that, I'm sure). He does need to be reminded that just like us parents who have to be a good example to you (you talking to your son), you need to be a good example to your younger brother. Maybe alittle guilt will help too--who knows, it can't hurt too much!--ha ha!
Just make sure you re-assure him how much you love him and you never want to be in a position to not have faith in him or not trust him.
Good luck.

I would definitely punish him. He will think that he can keep doing it if there are no consequences...and a lecture from you is not really a consequence. It's good he feels badly, but he should definitely have to pay for his actions. Depending on what the lie was about should affect the punishment (my son is 11 and tried to turn back the timer to get extra game time, so I took the video games away for a week and my daughter tried to lie about brushing her teeth, so I started making her brush her teeth before getting to come downstairs to watch tv, etc). Also, writing it out does work - my dad used to make me write 3 paragraph essays about the effects of my actions and how I will improve, etc...for younger kids it helps with handwriting and thought processes and grammar, etc...for very young kids, you could have them write sentences...but an 11 year old should be able to think on his own and explain in good detail (at least one page) what he has done and why it is wrong and what he can do about it.

Your son may be protecting himself. He may be afraid to stir the pot since there has been a recent upheaval in his life. Lying msy be one of the results. Keep talking to him, and see if he made need counseling just to deal with his emotions about the divorce.

Hmm... You might not have to do anything else -- disappointment could be enough if he usually tells the truth -- but you will probably want to make sure that you don't leave any situations that encourage him to lie again. For instance, if he lied about how much candy he was eating and he had bags of candy in his room, you would want to move the candy out of his room and into the kitchen.
Sounds like you are on the ball...Good luck!

You don't say what the lie was. If it was something like that he has cleaned something up or did his homework when he didn't, then your disappointment is probably enough. If its something bigger like he hit your other son and said he didn't then I would take something away for a day or so.

M.

I would definitely punish him. I would be creative. You could try taking away a privilege, taking away a toy, writing an essay for you or writing sentences. My kids hate writing sentences so it is one of my favorites.

I believe all children lie. Try not to ask questions that they might feel a need to lie. It is a bad thing and talking about it is good. If you have a big punishment, the lying will continue with more fear. One thing we tried was when my son told me something, i said i don't know whether i can believe you or not. They usually grow out of it. Don't give up teaching right from wrong. They are going to lie. Another idea is that the consequence should be related to the offense. Taking video games away probably has nothing to do with the offense. I did that for a long time and it didn't work. Writing an apology for lying and why he won't do it again may work. I also like positive reinforcement when he does the right thing. Even a hug or pat on the back that he has done something well is great.

I have worked with kids for many years using a behavior modification model at Girls and Boys Town. The fact that you focused on his behavior, lying, rather than the content, what he lied about, is a good thing. Lying is really hard to turn around so it is important that you are clear with the consequences when he does lie that they are more severe. For example, if a normal consequence for not cleaning his room is one day of no video games and he lies about it besides, the consequence should initially double to two days of no video games. If it continues the consequence increases all the while you are very clear that if he is earning additional consequences for the lying, not the fact he didn't clean his room. Additionally, you can give positive consequences for being honest when he does something wrong. So, if he is asked if he's cleaned his room and he looks at you and says no, knowing he's going to receive a consequence, you can reinforce the positive behavior of being honest by only taking away a half of a day of video games.
Good luck!!!

i don't care for punishment just for the sake of punishment. punishment should be a teaching tool, and/or a way of emphasizing the seriousness of the offense. it sounds like he gets the seriousness. you don't know yet whether he understands the lesson. i would definitely tell him that he's on notice and what will happen if he continues to lie. but i want my kids to be honest with me because they are honest people, not because they're afraid of the consequences. if he's upset now, there is no need to push it further. he's probably processing issues from the divorce and is in need of support and understanding right now.
khairete
S.
khairete
S.

At this point you may want to leave it alone- it sounds like you made your point. Sometimes kids lye- just because- but more often then not they are afraid to tell the truth because of the response or they may disappoint you. Also - since you are recently divorced this may be impacting him in a way he can't express so he acts it out. Hopefully he has someone he can discuss his feelings around the divorce- kids tend to blame themselves and have many feelings & thoughts- even if it was a positive decision for the family.