Low-self Esteem Mom of 2 - Houston,TX

Updated on April 09, 2012
D.M. asks from Houston, TX
18 answers

Well, Dunno know how to start and not sure if this is a question, its more of a vent..
I am a mom of 2 beautiful daughters, a 4 yr old and a 9 months old. When i was pregnant with my 1st child i gained 50lbs, after birth, my tummy shrunk in a short time but my baby weight came off in about a year or so... now with my 2nd baby i gained my usual 50 lbs, but after 9 months my belly is still like i'm 5 months pregnant and i am struggling alot with losing weight. I am 30 yrs old though...
Well , this is an issue to me but my main issue is my husband.... he is the main reason for my stress and discomfort with my looks...
he won't stop talking about me going to the gym, and eating less.. whenever he see's me after we're back from work, all he talks about is getting in shape and that i need to work out more.. this mornign the first thing he did after i got dressed up is that when i am going to the gym!!!!
i was packing my salad for work (lunch) and he kept staring at how much dressing i am putting in my salad ! last night for dinner, he was looking at every bite i am eating like i was a monster downing a cow!
then what sets me off the most is that after his usual talk, he pats on my belly or holds my love handles.. and its like he's pointing to where i should be loosing weight the most.

I know, i might seem sensitive to some of you, and I know he's is doing it out of care.... but no one will ever feel how i am feeling right now. I already feel so down about myself not getting in my old shape that i ahte looking at myself in the mirror everyday.. i swear.
I do go to the gym like 3 times a week.. eating salads and lean cuisine lunches and smaller portions to dinner.. but i am also a working mom of 2 , one of which is breastfeeding.
what would u do? what do u think.. I cried this morning after his comments out of despair, i mean i dont have a magic wand to transform myself, but with me doing most of the housework and working,,, its hard to give more time to the gym...

I hate his comments and hate that i never hear any compliments (even if lying) from him.. I am a beautiful young woman, but have lost all my confidence with his reptitive comments and insults!!
Please tell me what would u react if u were in my place? how would u feel about it if u were in my shoes (god forbid)

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answers from Eugene on

I'm glad to read the other posts ahead of me. Because it stinks that your DH says and does these things to you. My ex said similar things to me, even tho I lost the weight after each of our 4 kids, and he put on 25 pounds in the same time. It's not about our bodies, it's about their poor self-esteem and trying to dump their baggage onto us.

Refuse to listen to these toxic comments. Let your DH know it's not OK to pat your belly or grab your love handles and that you will lose weight when you can, and you will do it for yourself, to feel your best. Go do what you can to feel better about yourself now. Hang out with your girlfriends who support you. Find a counselor. Go to weight watchers - for the support even more than the weight loss. Find a workout partner at the gym who will cheer you on as you get back in shape.

I think you are already amazing, working out 3x week, eating healthy, working, breastfeeding and caring for your children. You are, and you know you are a beautiful young woman. Don't let anyone take that away from you.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

Your husband is a crook-toothed jackass!

Dang, where does it say once a man becomes married and a father, that they lose any concept of how to compliment their wives?

While I would suggest finding a way to emasculate this idiot, the mature part of me says that would be fighting fire with fire -- not always the best idea.

My best suggestion? Have him read the comments that are posted here.

Keep your chin up Mama!


3 moms found this helpful


answers from Albany on

Yeah, that would wear me down too.

Actually, he sounds a little like a poster from yesterday who is always harping on her husband's eating habits.


They'd make a perfect match! Sorry.

Have you tried telling him how you feel. Does he KNOW this hurts you, and certainly doesn't motivate you in anyway?

I could never live with that kind of scrutiny. I have just the opposite problem. He goes on and on about how gorgeous and sexy I am, and ya know, I'm just NOT. Sigh.

I don't KNOW how I would react, but it wouldn't be NICE., that's for sure. I think you deserve a medal for not strangling him in his sleep.

Sending you strength and confidence, girl. Wish I could come over there and have a word with him.


3 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

I would just tell him that I know you care about me but your comments are hurting more than they are helping.

One thing I noticed after I had my second was it was harder to lose weight. I didn't realize it for several years but the reason I couldn't lose weight was I was mindlessly eating what was left on my kids plates without realizing how many calories that is. I was like I can't waste food!! Ya know? After I realized what I was doing I started making less and giving them smaller portions they could actually eat. I lost quite a bit of weight with that one small change.

Oh if you want to have fun next time he comments say you are right, I will get the kids in the stroller and lets go for a walk. :) See if he likes putting his money where his mouth is. :p

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

When he suggests you need to go to the gym or he critiques your meals, you should come right back and say you’ll drop him off at sensitivity training on the way to the gym. Something like 'when do you plan on going to sensitivity training to work on your insensitive clod tendencies?". Maybe a brisk pat on the head or back with a suitable condescending tone would help.

Seriously you need to have a major sit down with him. He is tearing you down when he should be the one person on this earth you can count on absolutely to protect and defend you in the face of everything. He is your partner, your protector, your supporter, your lover, your husband, the father of your children, etc. etc. Good solid things. Nowhere on that list is he given permission to nit, nag or otherwise drag you down regardless of reasons. We all know where good intentions lead so I reject any argument he is doing this for your own good. That is one of the cheapest and lousiest reasons known to mankind in my opinion. As I told my BIL one time when he was sorta half heartedly nagging his wife about her post-baby weight. “I’m sure, sweetheart, you’re not the stud muffin she signed on for either but she manages to keep her dadgum mouth shut out of love and respect. It’s what makes a loving marriage.” My SIL later told me he has never said one more thing about her weight. Good luck but don’t put up with this since you don’t deserve it.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Oh man, your hubby needs a kick in the eye!

Seriously, you need to sit him down and tell him that the next time he comments on your weight, he is sleeping in the car.

What an ***. I wish I had some words of wisdom here, but seriously, he needs a kick in the eye.

If you love and care about someone, you love and care about them. Their weight is their weight. You just had two babies, you still have a baby! Most women don't even get back to the gym till their babies are 2. You are doing AMAZING.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I don't think you're being too sensitive at all -- I think your hubby is being terribly INsensitive. I mean, let him carry a baby for nine months. Oh, whoops, his body isn't set up to do that? Then why the #&%$* is he judging you?

What this guy needs to learn, pronto, that "for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer" includes "for thinner and for fatter" too. It's his job to be your chief support and your life's partner, not your shamer and your guilt-meister. And if he doesn't like it, tell him he can have a talk with big fat me. I'll, like, sit on him or something.*

* Okay, I don't completely fit the image I just set up, but I *still* weigh more than I did post-baby (5 yrs and counting). If my husband has a problem with that, he can go eff himself.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I think you need a heart to heart with him. Tell him he makes you feel so badly you cried, and that his negative comments break you down. Tell him that he might feel like he's helping but he is not. He is making you feel worse, and that's surely not his intention, right? You carried 2 children and gained 100 lbs total and are working to lose the last bit. It took 9 months to gain 50 lbs and it's not going to come off quickly. Further, what is he going to do to help you have time for the gym or just time for yourself? Does he tend his own children or is he expecting you to fit it in somewhere? You already get to the gym more than a lot of people! AND you work AND you are nursing! Does he think that's easy?

I had my DD at 31. I used to have a great flat stomach. Now, not so much. I gained 40 lbs and had an 8 lb baby and was AALLLL belly. My abs will never be the same even though I'm not far off weightwise. I have had to accept that. Which is not to say that I don't do things to make myself feel better or that I don't have days where I feel like nothing looks right. The difference in part is that my DH says he likes my shape vs tearing me down and asking "so when are you going to the gym? when are you going to the gym?" You need DH to support you in the WAY THAT WORKS FOR YOU. Find a way to talk to him about what you need from him.


2 moms found this helpful


answers from Laredo on

I never struggled with weight loss until after I got married which is also when I discovered that I had PCOS which makes it very difficult to lose weight. My husband would make comments every now and then, or scold me for eating something that I probably shouldn't. Many times I have felt much less than beautiful to him. I rarely received compliments, ok never, and I was always hearing how if I lost some weight I wouldn't have problems with this or that. I know he always said it in the most loving way possible, but it still cut deep.

One day I guess he was concerned for me and he looked up online about PCOS. He read comments women had left about how frustrating it was to work their butts off, and not lose any weight. He did this without my knowing, but it helped him understand my struggle. He realized that my lack of weight loss was not entirely my fault. He told me that night that he hadn't realized how frustrating it was for me to not lose weight. In 6 years of marriage, I gained 120 pounds.

I am finally on the right track with the Atkins diet (35 lbs lost and counting!), but I didn't start this diet for him or because any of his comments or hints that I should lose weight. It was a personal decision that my doctor helped me realize. He is very supportive of course, and excited for me as well, but I am not doing it for him. I am doing it for me.

I agree with what Lauren J said. Your daughters need to see a daddy that treats their mother like a queen so that they expect the same from their future husbands. You need to talk to your husband (not fight or argue or call names) and let him know how frustrating it is for you to be trying so hard to lose weight and having no success. You need to know that he thinks you are beautiful no matter what. He needs to know how much he is damaging your self esteem by what he is saying. If he really is trying to help you because he cares for you, then he will realize he isn't helping the situation, and stop. I'm sorry you are feeling down. I have felt that way before as well. It always helped me to go get a haircut or something. I got some time alone to myself, and I always felt beautiful afterwards.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

Print this out and show it to him.

If you don't communicate how much something bothers you, it won't stop.

My fiancee goes to the gym with me and makes my lunches every morning. He puts in a note with every lunch telling me how loved and appreciated I am.

I'm 32 with 2 kids. Not exactly a Spring chicken.

Communicate your needs to your husband.



answers from Victoria on

I am so sorry your hubby is being rude. I gained about fifty with my first and another sixty with my second before I lost the the first weight! I am chunk/fat. Its very hard for my body type to loose weight but it can be done as I have done it before.

I would tell him to BACK OFF. your aware of your body and what needs to be done. It did not all arrive in one day and its going to take some time to come off but your on the same page as your husband in wanting to loose the weight but your being realistic about it. If he dosent get the hint i would do the same things back to him. Really get him to understand how it feels. Even record his expressions with out him aware. Like at dinner then show him what he is doing.



answers from Austin on

What everyone else said, I agree! What I didn't see mentioned is what made me want to write.
You have 2 beautiful daughters, and I am sure that your husband has fallen in love with those girls, ask him how he wants those girls to be spoken to and treated when they grown up. Because how he treats you will have a HUGE impact in what they allow in their lives as they grow older. Would he be accepting of them growing up with eating disorders and body image issues?
Reading your post today made me want to write my husband a thank you note, I have fluctuated quite a bit during our marriage, and he has never made me feel anything less than beautiful and has left it up to me as to when I need to do something about it, he supports me when I have come to that point and is encouraging without criticism when I do. I have been working the last 2-3 months and have lost 22 pounds and still counting, but it isn't easy or fast like I would like it to be, But I am more motivated to do something with that kind of support. I would hope that your husband would consider the effect that his actions will have on the development of those beautiful girls if he can't see what it does to you. I wish you luck, this too shall pass! Hang in there!



answers from Houston on

Everybody has said on here pretty much everything that has gone through my head. My husband has never insulted me like that in any way. I know I need to lose weight and that I have a belly on me now after having my second child.My husband isn't perfect either. If we do bring up any topic on weight we will tell each other "baby we really need to start eating better and lose some weight" Not once has my husband stopped calling me sexy or making me feel good about myself despite the wieght I gained, but we are still honest with each other when we talk about the subject. Talk to your husband, he needs to encourage you and maybe even diet with you. Sometimes it's a little helpful having someone diet with you. Plus if both of you are working he needs to get his lazy butt up and help you clean up that house. If you the only one working then it's his job to clean up the house. It shouldn't be left to you to do everything. Me and my husband have made an agreement that if I'm not working and stay home with the kids that it's my job to clean the house while he works. If we are both working then we both clean up the house together. It always makes things better when a husband and wife work together as a team and always encourage each other. If he gets mad when you talk to him about then maybe your better off without him.



answers from Austin on

I am so glad that you realize that your husband loves you so much that he knows you would be happier if you were able to lose the weight. But he doesn't realize that he is not helping right now.

I would do something nice for him, make him his favorite snack, for example, so he is in a good mood to listen to you. Start out by thanking him for wanting to help you. Tell him that you will need his help because it is just SO HARD. Keep a smile on your face so he sees that you are not upset with him. If he thinks you are upset, he may get defensive and might stop listening.

Then sweetly say, I need you to help me in a different way. Men need to know specifically what they should say and when. It sounds like he really wants to help but he is doing it in the way that he would need to be told, not the way that would work for you. Then list the things that you would like to hear and when. Be sure to tell him things like he is proud of you for eating salads and light meals, that he thinks you are a great mom, that you are good at ___. Just remind him that you feel really low right now with all that is going on and you would even like a hug here and there just because. Then remind him how helpful that will be and that you appreciate that he wants to help you in this way.

Hang in there! It sounds like you are very determined. Set yourself little goals and reward yourself. After you drop 4 pounds, you can all go on a little picnic in the park or go for a walk as a family and go on a scavenger hunt. Have you ever put masking tape, sticky side out, on your wrist and let her stick nature things onto it? Find rewards that will get you outside (fresh air is great pick-me-up) and being with your family (another great pick-me-up), as it sounds like you are a great mom and love your family.



answers from Austin on

Your husband is totally out of line. He is NOT encouraging you, he is making you insecure. I do think working out is a great idea, not because of any extra weight, but because of the energy and self-confidence it will give you. Working out naturally releases endorfins, making you feel good. Stress, which your husband is creating, is not helping anything. I only have one child, and I have a hard time getting to the gym. I do work FT and go to school PT, I wish I could do more, but all we can do is what we can do. There are only so many hours in the day. Is your husband willing to do anything as a family that is active? Go for walks? Ride bikes with the kids? Go to the local high school, run the track or bleachers while the kids play? Those may be things to incorporate into life without sacrificing your family time. As we get older our bodies change, especially after having kids. Hang in there and try to focus on "healthy & happy" over what size jeans you are wearing... Not all skinny people are healthy ; )



answers from Houston on

I am not going to comment on how you should feel about anything that your husband says but I do know I was not happy on how I looked after my second child.

I had trouble getting the weight off even though I was working out 3 days a week and training for the marathon.

I went to see a dietician at Memorial Hermann's Sports Medicine Institute. You do not need to be a marathoner or even athlete. It is very reasonable. Her name is Penny Wilson. I lost all of my baby weight and then some. As she pointed out to me, it is 80% food and 20% working out.



answers from Beaumont on

Married or not your body and how you wear your hair and clothes is only your business. Give yourself a break (because he obviously isn't going to) You have two kids, are working and keeping up everything, and breastfeeding. If you do not eat while you are breastfeeding and with all that stress it will not work out. You must relax and take care of what you need not him. I would tell him to find a new hobby like doing some freakin housework instead of his running commentary and obsession with your appearance.
Tell him your body and your desire to ever have sex again will come back when it is damn good and ready to and everytime he makes a comment he is setting it back another week.
THE MAIN thing to learn from this is to ask for what you need and that is to assign him a night to cook and clean and take care of everything and you go somewhere and do something you enjoy. If it involves a walk great if not so be it.
Tell him your body will come back but you will never forget how is treating you during this time when you need acceptance and support and your relationship may not recover. Believe me that when menopause rolls around you remember every hurtful thing they did that you were not able to address during this time because you are flooded with hormones, but the hormones leave and then you are just angry. Address things now or you will pay later.



answers from Houston on

Well I have never seen you, but I think you are a beautiful young woman as well. first because every woman that carries a child is beautiful. For me I think you are already on the right track, because you called yourself beautiful. That is always the first step, knowing who you are. Yes, those words will hurt more because they are coming from the person who is suppose to love you the most. Stay positive and keep doing what you are doing to stay looking beautiful, regardless of the comments. You can still say to your husband that he is hurting your feelings and that stress will not allow you to drop the weight quickly because of that. I have a great health challenge for you to give a try. Checkout my website-tiajordan.myvi.net. This will definitely shed those pounds quickly for you. Good luck you will make it through this!!!!!

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