Loosing My 17 Yr Old daughter...How Do I Intervene Without Being the "Bad One"?

Updated on November 11, 2006
D.R. asks from Sale Creek, TN
13 answers

I wil try not to make this a book.....I have a 17 yr old daughter that is driving me nuts! She is acting like a spoiled brat and anything I say or rules I enforce mean nothing to her. Here's my situation...She has a monetary relationship with father (been divorced from him since she was 6). She is a straight A senior in high school...VERY PROUD of that! She says planning on going to college..Her father bought her a brand new 2006 car for her good grades..I told him he was crazy! along comes BOYFRIEND! In the past yr I have seen her girlfriends drop her...nota one now....her boyfreind WILL NOT come to my home......have not seen him in about 6 months...She feels I have no right to tell her she cant go to his house everyday. I have asked him to spend time at her home with us but he refuses! His excuse is he is uncomfortable around me...GO FIGURE! (do you think he might be doing something they ought not be....I do) So now my daughter has moved into her fathers house with his permission...BUT HE WORKS out of state...YES not he IS NOT even there! I have recently caught my daughters boyfriends family covering up the fact that they gave their sons permission to stay at her dads house overnight! Her father has fefused to tell her she cant sty there so now I feel I am going to be forced to be the EVIL one and force her to come back home with me.....the only reason I let her go to begin with was because she threaten to flunk out this yr and that scared me but she is on a worse road with this boyfreind her her daddies money. I am so scared for her...how do I make her see ??

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So What Happened?

Thank you all for your replies......I just feel I am wits end! I have spooken with her father and demanded he call the boyfriends parents and set the rules with them since it is his house. Her father is upset with her and I think is finally "seeing the light". The b/f parents have shown me they have very lil respect for me and have lied to me. I want to force her back homw with me since I do have full custody but fear the outcome of that as well! She has been playing head games like threatening to flunk out if I make her stay here. Please keep us in your prayers!

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answers from Nashville on

One thing you need to realize is that she is too young to make her own choices. If the Father is working out of state and is never there, this means that if found out by Department of Family and Children Services she can be taken away from him .You need to have her back at home with you and show her who the parent is. I know this because my husband works against the DFACS all of the time for a place called Youth Villages. One thing you could do is take the key to the car away to show her who the parent is and let her know she has to do as you say. Good luck.

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answers from Columbus on

Ok first big hugs!!!!!!!!!!!! 2nd honestly in most states she is probably legally old enough to leave and not be able to be forced to go back home. 3rd for her to be a straight a student you have had to do something right! 4 th I am sure you have instilled good values in her and they will prevail eventually. 5 she is 17 and determined the more you try to interfer the worse you are going to make it. It is hard as all get out to stand and watch our children make mistakes but all we can do is pray and let them know no matter what we love them even though we disapprove of the actions!



answers from Savannah on

I'm sorry to tell you that you are going to have to be the evil one. You have to stand you and be a Mother not her friend. Get her behind back to your house. If she don't come home start calling the police. She is not grown yet and until she become legal she has to follow your rules. I hate to say but if she let this boy keep controling her,she'll be pregnant and out of school for good. The next time you talk to her daddy ask him is he ready to be a granddaddy yet? And make your son go over there and talk some since into her. I will keep you in my prayer and have faith that she will soon see her way out of darkness.



answers from Atlanta on

D...while we are not in exact situtaions. We are very close! Email me and we can talk..my 17yo is going to make me CRAZY !!!!!

[email protected]____.com

Believe me she is on the edge of me choking her some days LOL



answers from Atlanta on

D., I know you have your work cut out for you. If I were you, I would demand a sit down meeting with both your ex and your daughter and lay it all out on the table. Your daughter has been given way too much freedom for someone her age and she is obviously abusing it. Ask the questions that need to be asked of both of them. Is she prepared to become a mother and take care of a baby - ask her this. Also ask your ex if he is prepared to financially support a newborn along with all the hospital costs of a new baby. Ask your daughter if she is prepared to work at fast food restaurants for the rest of her life or in retail because without a higher education, she is setting herself up for a low paying job. Yes, some young parents go to college, but let's be real, most do not. They need a slap of reality and they cannot continue to look the other way and pretend that everything is the way it is supposed to be. It sounds very much like she doesn't have anyone watching over her while he is gone out of town and a high school student should not be left to take care of themselves. I know - I was a teenager once and if my mom knew all of the stuff I did, she wouldn't have given me as much time alone or with guys as she did. If he doesn't care about her well-being and long term success, she should not be living with him. Money does not replace the relationship -you know that. It is hard to compete with all of his money, but you care about her and that is way more valuable than money ever could be.



answers from Atlanta on

Dear D.,

I am sorry to say this but she is manipulating you with the flunk issue.I know as a mother you don't want you kids to fail, but from what I stand, sometimes for their own sake we have to be "the bad ones" you can have it both ways. Now that you have "some"support from the ex you should make her came home and if she flunks, well, she is the one that will have to deal with the consecuences, and that's the key in my opinion. She needs to understand that her actions have consecuences that ONLY SHE will have to live with and assume, such failing at school or(God forbides, getting pregnant) Seems like she is trying to hurt you for whatever pain she may have inside, but you can allow yourself to feel guilty and let her to do whatever she wants. If she will come home she will have to leave by YOUR RULES, if that becomes imposile to accomplish then she need to have a clear understanding of the consecuences of her actions. Hopefully, your ex will back u up on that and stop being an enabler...As for the boyfriend's parents, you can't really sweat that one much, right now your priority are your kids, they are the ones that will one day thank you for being loving but also for being though (I know I did)

Please be strong ,God will stand by you...




answers from Memphis on

Don't know where you live but is it legal for her to be living there without an adult? How old is the boyfriend? Legal for him to be with her? Having sex possibly? I'd talk to a lawyer....and a pastor! See what you can legally do and what the school counselor and pastor suggest.

It is so hard....you do all the work and the ex....buys the love! I know....2x divorced. I will pray for you and your kids! I say take the car away.....if you can. Take away cell phone....priveleges etc. Then take her to the OBG as a precaution and as a scare tactic!

Good luck.



answers from Johnson City on

Maybe she would be more comfortable talking with her brother, and less defient. Teenagers are fighting within themselves for control of their lives. They want to be indepentent before they are ready. She feel she can take care herself because she lives alone in her Fathers house, even though she is not because her father is paying all the bills so she can play house. As sad as it may seem she may have to learn the hard way, wonder how long her boyfriend would still be there if she didn't have all the freedom and Daddy's money? It seems her father should be concerned about the dander he is putting his daughter in. Maybe you need to give Dad a wakeup call. Hope this helps you in some way.



answers from Atlanta on

You say you have a 20 year old son, maybe if they are close, he can have a talk with her? Is there anyone that is a large influence that she does respect? She's about to be 18 and when that happens, she's going to be out of control and you can't really do anything about it especially when the father is not helping. Maybe try to have a talk with the father and see eye to eye on what is best for your daughter? He needs to discipline too. Or even sit down with her and have a heart to heart and explain why you are concerned about her behavior. You know they are having sex, so make sure she's using protection.



answers from Savannah on

I agreed with Becky and Jennifer. The more you push and demand the further she will run. You apparently have been a good, loving Mom. Now step back and let your daughter find her way. But tell her you love and support her, even though you do not agreed with her choices.



answers from Athens on

Unfortunatly there might not be much you can do. I know in georgia u can legally live on your own at 17 i don't know about your state. You've obviously been a good mother and raised her right but now maybe it's time to let her go and figure things out on her own. Voice your fears and concerns to her and let her know your always there for her but that's about all you can do. Even if you can force her home when she turns 18 she'll probably leave then there may be damage to your relationship you can't fix easily. Just talk to her but as hard as it may be back off a bit. Let her know your rules for living in your house and also let her know you will not participate or help her in anyway if she chooses to do her own thing(unless that's dumping the boyfriend and going to college)lol..Good luck



answers from Atlanta on

1st things 1st, pray pray pray
then secondly, show your daughter another side of you. Do something she wouldnt dream you would do. Take her to a bar, and order her a virgin drink and talk to her like you would an adult. she knows your her mom, but does she know you were once a teenager too? that boys were crazy in love with you and trying to wisk you off your feet, shes too young to realize all girls go through it, thinking their in love, maybe even making "so-called" love , talk to her like you never have before tell her about your first time, let her see a side of you that you've never shown her...it might wake up the loving daughter inside of her thats been pushed back by monotony. she already knows you dont like her boyfriend(he probably stays away because he a no-good sapsucker)but ask about him, what does she like so much about him that is got her all shook up.
Maybe a new approach will be just the ticket to open her eyes to a new light. and dont forget PRAY!!!
Good Luck!!



answers from Macon on

I know you really don't want to hear this but I think your daughter might be having sex and not want you to know about it... Maybe if you are open to her about it she might come back to you and feel more comfortable talking to you about it... I am sorry but that was my 1st thought... GOOD LUCK!

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