Looking for a Good Book

I don't know if this book is exactly what you are looking for, but I thought it really spoke to my situation (more with my mother-in-law than with my actual mother). It's available on Amazon.com, and probably at the public library too. "You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation" (Paperback)by Deborah Tannen (Author)

Good luck!
T.

Hal Urban's book...."Positive Words, Powerful Results" has helped me tremendously in how I speak to my children and to my husband and my mother. I found this book and his other book "Life's Greatest Lessons" at the half price book store. I like books that actually tell you what to say and how to say it, and I feel that is what I have learned from this author. Big thumbs up for Hal! I have more peace and that is the energy I want around me. You get what you attract!

Boy, tough one. I'm sure there are books and resources to help, but I feel like the best measure is a good heart-to-heart. You're the mom now. She had her turn and she should basically be keeping her mouth shut unless asked. I had a conversation with my mom once and it was a deep hearted conversation. Basically, I told her that there were alot of studies and changes in raising children over the years since she was a new parent and now, it's your turn to learn the new theories of what's good and bad, whether it be food, physical or mental health, or comunication or learning, etc. It's your turn to learn what's good and bad for your children whether she disagrees with you or not...it's your turn to make your own parenting mistakes, and it's also your honor to do so, just as it was with her when it was her honor as a mom. We all make our own mistakes raising our kids, and they are yours to make...not hers. She'll just have to back off and let you be the parent. I basically told my mom the same thing and I did it with heartfelt tears in my eyes so that she could see I was really serious about how hurt my feelins were when she intruded. She took me seriously and has basically butted out since. I think you'll have to start there and learn your new roles as parents...mother and grand. Good luck.

there is a book called toxic parents...all about overbearing parents who love love love to give their advice on how we should do things...

but straight out telling your mother her advice is unwelcome could also be helpful. she may not know she is stepping on your toes...be honest with her about her unsolicited advice, tell her when you want advice you'll ask for it.

honestly I don't know what child could be seen and not heard...

Hi...I am guilty of being much like your mom is....my daughter has 2 little boys, 6 and 3 years old. My daughter is 34! I never
feel like things are under control, that things there are not organized and no meals scheduled. I let her know it constantly, and just writing this sounds shocking to me. It pulls us farther apart, creates tension, and makes me constantly worry! I realize this is her life and home now, and somehow I seem to keep it up. I feel as though I need to "fix her house, life and anything she will let me touch. You have helped me, for as I articulate this message, I read my fault clearly. I will step back and remember how I can help. By smiling and watching quietly. There is something about us older moms that feel we know everything and how it all should go. I will step back and be kinder.

HA! No, I am not laughing at you, been there, done that, am there, will be there....
My mom is very opinionated and when I was younger I would grit my teeth and try not to answer the phone because I KNEW she was going to boss me around! Then my kids got older and I didn't know who to turn to for advice so I called mom, WOW! She learned alot! Then my marriage fell apart and I got the lecutures again...but also got the hugs and reassurances I needed so VERY much. My kids grew to be teenagers and I didn't know how to handle them. OMG! My mother started spewing out of my mouth! How did she GET in there??? I remarried, took on 5 stepchildren and had another of my own. OUCH! How do I handle this??? YES MOTHERRRR I know, it was my own doing! Now I have a daughter who is getting married and I don't want to let her go. Bossy me steps in, EWW you want to wear THAT wedding dress?? Where are you going to live? Are you going to make enough money?? What if it doesn't work out??

And you know what? I talk to my mom at least twice a week (she lives in Oregon) and I hate that I can't reach through the phone and give her a hug. She is 80, still giving me *advice*. Now I smile and say, "Thanks Mom, I love you too!". She laughs and apologizes for being so bossy and I tell her GO AHEAD because I know she love me.
Set your boundries but know that she loves you so very much. Be glad that she is nearby, she could be 2,000 miles away....

Learn the phrase "Thanks M., I will consider that." and mean it. Sometimes M.'s are just trying to keep you from making their mistakes, all over again. She means well. She realizes you don't have a second person to depend on and has taken on that role herself, even if you didn't think you needed someone. She thinks she is helping. So really, consider her opinions, then decide yourself if this could help or if it will not fit with your lifestyle. She feels appreciated for you listening to her opinion, you get the final decision of which advice you WANT to use. Remember, she sees you as you see your daughters, right now.

Hi A O,

Having gone through many years of disagreeing with my Mom and often times being extremely put off by her comments and questions I understand how you must be feeling. The relationship between a Mother and daughter is unlike any relationship we will ever have. Having said that I really don't believe there is a book out there that has the answers you are seeking.
Things began to change for me when I started treating my Mom the way I would anyone else that wanted to interject their 2 cents on my life. I stopped getting angry and holding in feelings of frustration.
My Mom and I started to change the dynamic of our relationship from Mother and Daughter to "friends" we talk the way girlfriends talk. When either one of us say something that may be disrespectful or hurtful to the other we address the situation later but the same day.
I am a real SNOT as far as my children are concerned. I don't feel anyone has the right to pass judgement on my kids and say anything to them as far as discipline is concerned because they are playing loudly in their house or backyard or if they have toys trailing down the hall, in their creative little minds they are in a land of make believe that extends through my entire house and into the yard. That is healthy and normal and they are having fun. When it is time they pick up. My home is my children's home, our yard is their safe haven and any adult that comes for a visit that disagree's and passes a judgement about the condition of my home due to toys etc...can leave and will be asked to leave.
Don't get me wrong we have a very scheduled routine and it's not all play and make believe.
I grew up in a family that believed that children should be seen and not heard. My parents weren't like that, but the rest of the family was. Too often adults forget what it is like to be a kid. We have such a great opportunity as parents to be childish again with our kids.
As for your Mom when she tries to place opinions on you, you have the right to ask her to leave or to hang up the phone. You also have the right to ask her why she has the particular opinion and ask her in a nice way if she does feel the overwhelming desire to interject her 2 cents follow it up with something positive.
My biggest challenge with my Mom has nothing to do with my babies she praises me in that area all the time. When I'm in the kitchen cooking or shall I say trying to cook she always makes me feel like how ever I do it, it is wrong. I hate to cook as it is and I despise anyone being in the kitchen with me when I'm trying to cook. Both my Mom and my MIL do it every time. I could just choke them.
I made my first Easter dinner last year that my husband voluntered me to do...could have killed him. How I handled it was I cooked at home all alone and then drove the food to my inlaws. Our kids pick up on our tension. Why give anyone that power over us. If you feel in your heart you have a great relationship with open communication with your daughters and respect is a 2 way street all should be fine.
One day you may find yourself repeating things your Mom does to you with your daughters so it is best not to judge your Mom for it now, but to talk to her openly and calmly. Most times our Mom's just want the very best for us and may see a better way of getting the job done.
Good luck.

PS--The most important voice you should listen to is yours.

Nancy Friday wrote a book in the 70's entitled "My Mother, My Self" - I think you can get it through Amazon.com, or at any book store. You might want to check it out. It's a fairly classic book that I know has touched many women. It might be a bit heady, depending on what types of books you're attracted to. I remember my mother reading it when I was in highschool, and I have read it since becoming a mother myself - it's a pretty profound book -but not your typical "fluff" book on parenting.

Please check out the website Flylady.net! This lady has changed my life in ways no one else could. She has been a God-send to me. I just wish I had found her while my kids were still at home. Her main theme is to learn to love yourself. She teaches you to get rid of "stinking thinking" and SO much more. It is a guide to get yourself, your home and your kids organized. By listening to her loving advice you will learn to love yourself and rid your mind of negative thoughts and how to manage negative people. Like I said, she has changed my life and I hope you will give her a chance to change yours. The website membership is FREE, so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

There is a wonderful little technique that works! It is called fogging. When your Mother says for example,"It isn't good for your children to...." All you need to say is something like, "That's probably true." Or, just nod in understanding. This doesn't mean you have to do it her way. Just acknowledge her. Your response should not be to defend yourself or your decisions. Nor should it be to discount your mother's ideas. It is hard to be confident sometimes, but if you have made a decision you are comfortable with you can stick to it without explaining yourself or getting "into it." It's hard to let go of the way you've always done it, but it works!

A little about me: Self-employed Mom of two boys. P

I am the mother and I provide daycare for my grandson who is age 1. My daughter and I had to work out a working relationship so I could do the daycare 52 hours a week. The trick? It is called "listening" to each other. Ask your mom to listen to you, really listen and then you say back to her what you heard her say. Not word for word but what you heard her say. Then you really listen to her and ask her what she really heard you say. That was the way my daughter and I learned to work together. Keep up your boundaries but reflect back what you "heard" and eventually she will listen to you and then can work with you without crossing those boundaries. It is so important to do this because their is no one person in the whole world that can truly be on your side thru thick and thin. I would give the world for my daughter and I can hear when she needs to lead and she can hear when I have experience to share. Life is too short and too precious not to work on this primary relationship.
Good luck and let us know how it goes, ClRday

I love the book by Kabatt-Zinn, "The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting". Also, MaryAnn Williams' "A Return To Love" touches on the profound connection between love and forgiveness. It helped me a lot with the conflicts I (have always) had with my own mother, in terms of acceptance of myself. Her book on tape in very good and easy to listen to! Best Wishes to You!
Paula

I sure know how you feel. I was a single mother for many years before meeting my husband of now 5 years. My mother actually took my oldest from me for a time when she was young. She raised six children, and raised them much differently than I. Even after all these years, we are still hitting heads. My suggestion to you would be to except her for who she is and love her anyway LOL. Don't tell her everything that is going on in your life, because that will come back to haunt you, and believe in yourself as a mother. You don't have to be horribly strict, but be consistant and follow through. I know all too well how hard it is as a single mother to do this because you are probably really tired! But as a mother of a 17 almost 18 year old girl and 10 year old, I have learned the hard way that consistancy and follow through are the two major keys in raising children. No matter how much energy it takes...it will pay off in the end. You mother's only job is to be a loving grandmother, not mother, so don't let her take over because that will just cause hard feeling between you two and between your children and your mother. The very best of luck to you and your babies :)))

I am a grandma with a daughter who grits her teeth when I try to discuss childcare with her! She is a fantastic first time mom of a 2 year old. She seems to feel every suggestion or piece of information is criticism of HER. I am just sharing information from my own experience and professional training. We are both trying hard to keep a postive relationship going. It does take both sides to try. You may want to have a heart to heart discussion about how she makes you FEEL. Then, agree to disagree. Children need all the loving support they can from adults, so don't distance your self. I am sure your mother wants to have a special relationship with her grandchildren. Try to talk it out. Help her be the grandma you want for your children.

You got some great suggestings from people. I also believe that sometimes the boundaries between people need to be reassessed. I'd wonder about what kind of boundaries she had with her mother...regardless, you have a right to parent/ run your household in the way you see fit. Try active listening skills to communicate your feelings to your mom - validation and empathy are really important in effective communication. People want to feel understood. Boundary setting can be difficult for some people, especially when it comes to family! She may have good intentions but the impact of her behavior on you is also valid! Express to her how it makes you feel when she does _____ or ______. Good luck!

Gotta agree with Teresa. The second I read your request, Ithought of "You're wearing that?" Such a great book, definately try it.

I'm not apt to read a book on how to improve my relationship with my daughter, but I could surely use some advice. It seems we are pretty much polar opposites politically. I find that I often say or email something which seems innocuous to me quickly learning that it has touched a raw nerve with her. We are both quite sincere in our opinions and love each other very much but in this particular area of our lives there is no common ground. I want to maintain a loving and close relationship but I fear that having to constantly edit my thoughts and words will eventually build a barrier between us.

AZ Mom

Hi Andrea'
I know what its like to be a single mother with children to look after.The best way to bring your children up is in the fear and knowledge of God. God has entrusted you with two beautiful treasures and its your resopnsibility to bring thme up. Recently I discovered a blessing that you can pray every day over your children and I have fouind that it has been a blessing to me.
The Lord Bless and keep you
The Lord make His face to shine upon you may your face be radiant with the light of Christ. The Lord lift up His countenance upon you and be gracious to you,
The Lord grant you his peace and may you be called by the name of the Lord.
May the Lord Jesus Christ grant you wisdom in every decision you have to make which concerns your children
Stay Blessed
R.

Well hun that is a toughy...........our parents were raised back when so many had to work on the farms and were not free like the kids are today. In alot of respects I think that was good because the kids learned how to be responible more and they stayed busy instead of in front of a tv or computer all the time.
The main thing kids need to show respect to their elders, and their homes. They can learn early to help out around the house by keeping their toys picked up, help momma with meals, folding clothes and so forth. We have to be strong and not let them get the upper hand of us.......and yet that does not mean we have to be constantly on their case andmake their lives miserable. It's called working together as a family.

Maybe your mom is concerned that the kids are running over you and with you working and trying to manage your home too......that they could be more help to you.
Just let your mom know that you love her and appreciate her concerns. But these are your kids and you have to learn as you go and if you run into a problem and need her input that you will ask.
I just pray they show her respect and when they are in her home they show respect to it as well. If they are being too rowdy in your home they may try this at her home and it is not accepted there.
I have ran into this problems many times with my friends children and this can cause problems...becasue what is accepted in their home is not the morn for another persons home or in public.
Good luck............
KD

God luck with the books. They helped me mentally but did nothing to improve my relationship with my over-bearing mom who thinks she is always right and that her opinions are always correct. Know that your insticts are the correct ones and do not let her put doubts in your mind. They are your kids and it sounds like you've got everything under control. The only thing that has helped me over the years is to put a little distance between us. I want her to see her grandkids but I know that she will never change and that she is not one to listen to reason or my opinions. I turn the other cheek and either suck it up if I'm in person with her or leave or don't call for a few days. She eventually comes around or calls and knows that I'm either mad or hurt. I've learned to accept her for who she is and to respect her beliefs but not to solicite her for advice or to ask.

Dr. Cloud and Townsend have excellent books on boundaries. For most situations, the boundaries in marriage, for children, etc. Sounds like you might need to set some boundaries to keep a healthy relationship with your mom.

My daughter lives very close by and I assist with daycare, but without us working through our "healty" boundaries, we would be sunk. I'm the Grandma and she is the MOM. End of story.

HI,

Well, I am not a single parent and I don't have a book for you to read. I have had struggles with my mother. I have to say the only thing that seemed to trouble me was my expectation for my mother to understand where I was coming from and to support me in the way I wanted. It never happened. I released her from being my true parent and decided I would look to God as my parent. I hope you can appreciate that by trusting in something other than a man-made idea created by someone like myself would give me a deeper prespective much larger than my simple ideas about how life should be. Life can be fuller and greater than my mom and I.

Since than, we are able to communicate on a level that brings us together. We find things that we are able to talk about and stick with that. This helps with supporting each other. I called my mom one day and said "I'm working on this and I wondered if I could call you so you could hold me accountable for working on it". She agreed and now we call each other when we are in need of a talk about how we are struggling or excited about how well things are going. It's great! Once we had a focus and we understood how we could support each other we could do it.

Hope this helps,
G.

Children should be seen and not heard days are over. Listen to them and love them more. Mom has to let go and read a good book. These days children are so independent and they know what they want. You seem to be on top of things and all of your family are very happy. Have your mom read a good book and relax. We read the Bible and I go to Bible study twice a week. I visit my grandchildren twice a week. (unless it's an emergency or something was not on the calendar and let her know when I'm available.. It works for me and she is MOM.

from someone that could be your mother....ask you mother questions. She wants to feel important. Does not mean that you will incorporate what she has to say but it will give you some understanding...ask why she found whatever it was to be the way it was to be done. Lots of us did things because we did not know any better and because it was the way our parents did it. There was not the plethora of books to read back then that there is now. You might find she has some great ideas and maybe you will find that your girls are running your house. Just a thought. There is a balance to be found.

You might want to check out www.cnvc.org they have tons of info on the web and several great communications books.

A book that will help in this area and many others is called The Bait of Satan. The title alone is enough to make you not want to read it. I wouldn't have picked it up. I am going thru the book in a ladies Bible study and it is so eye opening to problems in relationships. It is basically about how to not get offended. Hope this helps