Looking for Moms with Alcoholic Hubbies

my father had a prescription drug problem from before I was born until I was 26 (i'm 31). It is so h*** o* a family! My sister grew up wondering why she wasn't good enough to be sober for and I followed in his footsteps for the beginning half of my twenties. If he is reasonable and bearable than stick with him but encourage him to get help. He will feel so incredible if he can get his habits under control. If he's not a recovery kina person maybe get him some books to read on his own. I would recommend the Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer. It would probably be great for you to read as well!!! That book changed my whole perspective...and I was able to quit smoking cigarettes for good!!!! Good Luck!!

Leah,
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am a pro-marriage marriage counselor who has only three deal breakers to marriage. One of them is unaddressed addiction of any kind. This is because if you are not healthy as an individual, you cannot be in a healthy relationship. If he has an uncontrollable problem with drugs and alcohol, he cannot commit to you and the children; he is committed to his drugs and alcohol. This is not a good place to raise children. They need to have stability and predictability which is not possible in this situation. Please get help for yourself and them. Good luck.

HI Leah,
Yes, there are more Moms that deal with this secret issue than you think. No one wants to really talk about it. I dated for 5 then married my alcoholic husband. Things didn't get better. We have a 3 yr old. Things got really bad when I stopped paying so much attention and then he got on unemployment. One day I realized that I was so stressed and miserable that I didn't know if I loved him anymore. That was really a scary revelation. It took me two years to decide what I want to do.
No one told me what to do, I have no friends (thanks to him), I get zero help from him and he would drink every single 24-30 beers sometimes losing himself. I closed my eyes one day at work and fast forwarded my whole life, then back our last 8 yrs together, miserable, no vacation, holidays ruined, calling the local cops.
I decided I wanted a new life and I want a real father for my child.

He never watched my son, now he takes him places. I don't have to make up for his lacking, I work out and I have goals. It's going to be your choice and your life. You decide how much you can take, just don't expect him to stop, they only want more with time to get the same high until the end.
I suggest talking to a counselor specalizing in addictions. Mine saved my life and helped me undertstand I can't change the man, but I can choose a different path for my life. I love him but in a different way, he's the father of my son. I have lost the glimpse of man to a sea of beer bottles.

I also would get the treatment because your sons are experiencing the trauma of the drugs and alcohol being present or the behavior. If they don't get help this will very very likely transfer onto them. My ex father is also alcoholic and his entire family. It's a Family decease that destroys families - it knows to statue, money or pleading, you have to deal with this as soon as possible. Get help please.

I dealt with them. My husband is a recovered alcoholic. He could drink more than I have ever seen anyone in my life. Apparently if you do coke you can drink more! Who knew?
You should try and go to Al-Anon. I never did, but have heard good things about it. Also, if you are religious I am sure your church has some sort of support group or counseling for you or both you and your husband.
Unfortunately you can not make him stop. He must stop for himself. Whether or not you want to live with it is up to you. Is he physically violent? Does he put you down? Or the children? Or is he just the kind of drunk that goes to sleep?
Mama, it is up to you. For us...we had a horrible car accident and my husband made a "deal" with God that if my son lived he would stop all drugs and alcohol (he was not drunk or high at the time of the accident) God fixed my son AND my husband because he stopped everything cold turkey. My husband was WORSE the whole first year that he was sober. He was CRAZY grumpy, insulting, rude...bleh. But, these past 6 years have been good, just the regular ups and downs of a marriage.
If your husband doesn't want to quit and you are okay with it...then stay. But if you are fed up...leave. That doesn't mean get a divorce, but get your children out of a bad situation. If he doesn't want to sober up, then maybe you need to think about divorce. If your kids are exposed to it day to day then they are going to think that that kind of behavior is okay and they are going to emmulate their dad. Do you want your kids to be alcoholic drug users? I am NOT saying that it will happen, but the probability is higher.
Please look into Al-Anon and counseling. It may help you to clear your head.
L.

My father was an alcoholic so I lived with it my entire childhood. Please understand that I am not suggesting you get a divorce or that there is no hope for your husband, but you have to think of your children. I'm sure you do and I can only feel for you and the position in which you are in, but no matter how old, your children see what is happening and it will affect them for their entire lives. It will affect every decision they make when it comes to drinking/drugs/relationships and marriage. I have memories from even 3-4 years old of my father drinking and doing strange things. They are not happy memories. There is hope, I do believe people can change, but you need to get help for yourself in terms of support and therapy and figure out if your husband is willing to change. I am hesitant to even send this message as I know you are looking for support and I fear I'm not being particularly that, but I thought you might want to hear a different perspective. Good luck.

My husband quite drinking 5 years ago because he was going to lose his job. He stayed sober fo 3 years (AA was a huge help for him). He started back under the illusion it would be "controlled" and only on special occassions. Of course, over time that turned into every weekend and then weeknights as well. Like everyone, I completely love my husband when he is sober. When he is drinking his behaviour mirrors that of others. He disgusts me. For two years I tried everything to get him to stop drinking again...talking, begging, threatening, writing letters, crying, you name it. Finally I'd had enough (my children are old enough to know what's going on and that's what made the difference for me). I told him if he didn't quit I'd file for divorce. He didn't believe me. He binged, I left him a letter, he came home with a bottle of wine. The next day I filed. He was served the papers a week later. I will tell you that I am still with him. Unfortunately, it took me actually filing divorce papers for him to take me seriously. We tried some marriage counseling to work on "us" but I wasn't real fond of that. Although we are working on our marriage and he is sober, I am not closing the divorce papers. It takes a year for them to dissolve on their own and I'm willing to leave them there. He knows that if he has ONE drink we're done.
Sorry you are dealing with this. Wish I could offer advice on how to live with it - but I've tried it all and came up empty and sad. Life was too short that way and I want better for my kids.

My husband isn't an alcoholic, but my father and grandfather were. Have you checked out an Al-Anon meeting in your area? They can be an invaluable resource. Meetings are free and confidential, and you can connect with other people who understand what you are going through : http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Good luck and God Bless!

My grandfather was an alcoholic. He used to hit my grandmother and my father when he was young. My grandmother eventually had enough and pulled her courage together to kick him out and raise her son (my father) and daughter (my aunt) alone. My father said life was much better after he was gone.

I was never allowed to meet my grandfather. I didn't get the full story until I was 16 and doing a genealogy project to map out my family tree. Before that they never talked about him and I never asked. Apparently, he sent me birthday cards for a few years with his wobbly handwriting but I never knew. I stumbled upon the six cards in my early twenties when I was going through some boxes in my parents garage. He must have written them all when he was drunk because I couldn't make out what the hell he was trying to say in any of them.

He ended up dying of liver failure alone in his apartment in L.A. They found his body after a couple of weeks because of the smell. He had no one and nothing.

Drinking is bad. Pass it on.

I feel for you. It sounds like you do not have an addiction problem so at least you are there for your kids. I agree with the other posts, that with addiction, the addiction controls and he is not there for your kids. We are currently taking care of my 7 year old nephew and 8 year old niece because they have the unfortunate fate of two parents who are addicted. My SIL is currently in rehab and doing well. We hope she stays that way. Their father is still drinking and likely taking drugs but he still seems to think that he should get his kids back. I hope my SIL realizes he shouldn't. My niece and nephew are good kids but they suffer from a complete lack of parenting. Addicted parents can't be good parents. It just is not possible. Do yourself a favor and help your husband get help and if he does not want to then leave (or get him to leave) until he is ready to get help. I am usually not so pushy in my advice but I have strong feelings about this because of what I have seen with my own in-laws.

Leah,
I know I am late in responding. I started to respond yesterday and just couldn't think of enough positive things to say to you. I still can't but I still feel the need to share with you my experiences in hopes you might see the bigger picture here and see this situation thru your chilren's eyes.

My now ex-husband is a drug and alcohol addict. He was not abusive to me or the kids and as a matter of fact I didn't even know about the drugs for almost 2 years! He turned to alcohol since he had exhausted every financial way to get the drugs and that is when I caught on. I'm not gonna tell you how to feel or that you can or cannot make it work. That's not up to me to tell you. You need to decide for yourself, but I want to strongly caution you about your children. Even though they are very young, they know what is going on. What really pushed me over the edge and made the decision to kick him out right then and there was my then 3 year old daughter's comment. She woke up from her nap and sighed really big, then said "Come on Mommy". I said we don't have to go anywhere right now baby. She said "Yeah we do Mommy, we have to go get Daddy's car." I said no honey, Daddy's at work. He'll drive the car home tonight when he comes home. She insisted we needed to go get his car. Obviously, she had been thru enough of the DUI's and impounds, etc that she knew the process. Well, lo and behold, 2 hours later I get the call that he has been arrested and I need to go get the car out of impound.

This is my story and I know I am projecting my feelings here, but I just really want you to stop and consider the effect this kind of behavior can have on very young, impressionable children. I simply could not condone, explain or justify his behavior to her anymore, so I had to make the choice to remove ourselves from the behavior. It has been the hardest decision of my life to turn my chikdren into a one-parent family, but I have to put them first and for them to ever think that kind of behavior is acceptable is completely unacceptable to me. We are the role models for our children and they absolutely will reflect some of our behaviors. I'm not trying to preach at or judge you (although I probably am coming across that way). I just feel so strongly about the possible effects on the children that I had to speak up.

I feel terrible for you and I wish you a fast resolution, whatever that may be. Best of luck and wishes to you and your family!

If he is drinking that much and has a drug problem he is NOT giving any of himself to you or those kids. Plus he can easily become a danger. I suggest telling him to fly right or leave because you can actually lose your children because of his actions. Its called endangering the welfare of a child. Believe my I was raised by someone who had issues with drugs and drinking and he did horrible things to me and my siblings because of those.