Looking for Mommy Emotional Support

babies come out of our bodies, we have breasts to feed them. Call it God or call it nature; but mommies are designed to be primary care taker. I know for me personally, I couldn't have it any other way. When I was in my early twenties I told my then boyfriend (who I was planning on marrying), that i was going to go to dental school. He replied "fine, I'll stay home with the kids." In a moment I saw what i felt was my God given right and duty to nurture and care for my own children being robbed from me. I knew I could never let this job be taken from me and planned accordingly. I think your feelings are valid. And though its a tough cookie to swallow, I'v come to terms with the fact the women's liberation has not been all good for us. Many women find themselves unhappy as primary bread winners. What is really sad is that woman have been lied to. Society has told us we are just like men and fulfillment will come from our careers. But I think that sadly this is not the case for most women. I think most woman find fulfillment by nurturing and raising their families. You are feeling robbed of what should be your job and in my opinion, that feeling is valid.

You are not crazy. Nor is your situation sad or devastating. This too shall pass...

You will spend the rest of your life wishing with part of your heart that you could spend every minute of your day with your child (even when they are 52 yrs old) and with the other part of your heart looking forward to time away either for date night, girls night out, or meaningful work.

Your baby will not bond "more" w/daddy and will not forget you. I am not a spiritual person but believe the 9 months you spent giving your child life is something that even amnesia couldn't totally obliterate. Poor fathers. They have to work a lot harder to find a place in a child's heart -- But the child that has such a strong father connection has got something that too few children have. What a gift you are both giving your child.

The older he gets the more engaged, awake time he will have. Try letting him stay up until 10:00 and sleep in late. Babies don't care what the clock says. If you let him stay up later, you can get lots more hours of his time after you get home from work.

Designate a Mommy & Baby Day of Fun a few times a month. Kidnap that gorgeous baby of yours and go paint the town red. Leave daddy at home to get a little of the alone time he will end up needing.

Can you try moving your work-outs to the evening after baby is in bed, or reducing them to 2 days a week? It may be worth the switch to get that morning time if it makes you feel better. Maybe do baby yoga with him when you get home at night.

Also, in a few months, your child will be awake more, and his bedtime can be moved up to 8pm or so. Be happy he is being taken care of by family, how wonderful!

I think it would be possible to time your baby's nap so he will be just waking up when you get home, instead of just going down.

I think your sadness and jealousy is totally normal, your miss your little guy. But don't worry, things will be okay. Your baby will be able to bond with you as well, and he will be equally blessed to have two caring and supportive parents. You still have time with him during the late afternoon and evenings and the weekends as well.

Maybe in a while, your husband can return to work or your family can find a way for you to stay home, or you can be blessed with finding a school job or something that isn't full time and that is closer to home for less of a commute.

Right now your baby is young. When he gets older you will have no problems, it will all even itself out. I think it's awesome you have a sahd, it's very cool. If you were the one home, he would be the one that was sad. It's just the way it is. The baby will stay awake more and longer in just a few months, you'll totally get your share of "mommy time" soon enough :)

I know you miss your baby, it is very natural and I completely agree with another poster perhaps one day you will be able to stay home, too. In the meantime, okay I totally understand the need to work out, been there done that, but really I look back (kids are grown, desperately trying to deal with the empty nester stuff and some things were really not worth it) could you possibly incorporate baby into a workout that is homemade. How about walking with your baby? How about leg lifts with baby as a weight? How about having baby sit by you while you do a tape at home? Wake him up, he is at home and dad might enjoy a little longer nap. And remember, you are a great mom no matter what. And baby will love you forever.

I went thru exactly the same, I felt jealous of my hubby even tho I was happy he could take care of him and we didnt need daycare! So much better to be with Daddy! There were times when he wanted Daddy but mostly play times- when he was sick or hurt or needed extra nurturing it was still Mommy he wanted. IN the middle of the night he usually wanted me too :( !!
I also work for the school and so we are lucky to have more vacation days that moms that work in business and we get home earlier. I took summers off (his Dad worked summers and evenings and weekends) so we could handle me not working in the summers. Benefits and job security are priceless in this economy and anyone who doesn't know that has never worried about doing without. As he gets older he will sleep less and you will spend more time with him. When my son was two we took a Mommy and me class one evening a week. Now we take little vacations just the two of us on long weekends or spring break. At first I was spending my weekends cleaning and shopping and running errands and so even more jealous of my hubby who did Nothing but take care of baby five days a week, so I hope you work out getting your hubby and mom to help with that stuff not just childcare. It will get better I promise! I actually think this is the best way to divide childcare, working dads and SAHM's dont usually divide things as evenly and Dad is way cheated out of raising children. working mom's are much more involved than working dads, dont you think? and research shows HOW important the father's role is in raising children so your son is really benefiting from a super involved Dad and a loving Mom. feel free to PM me if I can support you.

I trust his schedule to change pretty drastically and you'll be up late with him in the evenings and early with him on the weekend mornings when you are home. Do make sure hubby gets a night off once in awhile so you have baby all to yourself.
Children that grow up with two parents and two parents that work and seem to be raised in daycare practically STILL KNOW who their MOM is... so don't worry bout it much. You might want to drop your workout schedule and spend that missing half hour in the morning with your baby if you really feel it's a necessary thing. I think you thought this out before having the baby and you knew your schedule would be demanding and you knew dad was going to be the main caregiver for a time.... and you were fine with it. And it IS ok. I think you are second guessing yourself. Please don't worry. It's all fine. Your baby is lucky to have a dad that is so on board, many dont get that chance and it's a very, very special dynamic and bond. Be proud and don't stress out. Your baby knows who his mom is and he always will.

Thats so sad. Can you take a gamble and lower your standard of living to sah? You are missing out on a lot of bonding and joy. Your baby will grow up fast. She will be okay and she is being taken care of, so try and not beat yourself up.

Does he need to go to bed so early? When he was that age my son went to be when we did (~11p). He didn't really have a bedtime, more of a 3-4 hour cycle of wake, cry, eat, change diaper, play sleep, repeat.

I would feel the same way if I were in your situation. In fact my husband feels that way because he works and I stay home. I try to send him pictures and video several times a week. I've taken her to his office and we've met for lunch. I also call him once a day and give him a report about her morning and let him hear her "talk" and coo. When he gets home I let them have an hour together of alone time.

Maybe your husband and/or parents could bring your baby to have lunch with you once or twice a week so at least you would get to see her/him during the day. I would also look at working closer to home or moving closer to work if possible. A shorter commute would make things seem brighter. I'm sure you have considered part time work as well. You might also try adjusting your baby's daily schedule so she/he's not napping when you get home.

I think it's great that you have a husband that is a SAHD. Most men don't have the patience sitting home with a baby, changing diapers, feedings, crying, etc. I think that you are very blessed to have this. You have supportive people all around you which should make your decision easier. Your feelings are normal. I believe it's called separation anxiety. You will be fine and get through it. It's cool that your husband refered you to this site because you will find alot of supportive women who are or have went through the same thing as you are. You just need to know that you are not alone in your feelings and you will be alright. Maybe in the future, things will change. In the meantime, on your off days enjoy our baby.

I know you have heard this 100 times, and I know it does not make it better.
You baby is with his Dad. How wonderful. Maybe as time goes on you
can adjust his bedtime etc. to be able to spend more time with him. Just
put everything aside and spend the time with your little one. You will
feel much better. Look at all the Moms that are home and the husband
is working and does not see their little ones as much as they want; they
still manage to have great relationships. Just do the best you can. Everything else can wait.

I wish there was a hug button. ((((HUGS)))

I can empathize. It almost feels like it does not matter if Mother Theresa herself is taking care of your baby or how lucky you know you are that he is being taken care of by people who love him. In a way you still feel cheated out of your time with him. As mothers we can get greedy with those sometimes =). The only true solution is to stay home with him. If that choice can not be considered then savor every minute you have with him. Even 10 or 15 mins. After all, it truly is the quality of time spent (and not the quantity) that counts.

You may not like my answer....BUT....I know so many parents out there who feel they need to put their children down to bed at 6 or 7PM...WHY??? I have worked full time ever since I have been out of high school so I have been unable to spend any time seeing either of my 2 children grow up. Instead of putting them to bed so early, I keep them up later. So what if they go to bed at 9PM. I get so much more time that I get to spend with them then. And if your husband is at home with your child, it shouldn't matter when the baby gets up then. Plus, you benefit on the weekends. You would get to sleep in! I always love that with my kids. We go to bed late, sleep in on the weekends.
I work with a guy who had the same problem. He would get home at 6 or 6:15 and his baby would be in bed by 6:30. He wouldn't see him all week! Sometimes it is necessary to adjust your schedules. Beleive me, it really is worth it. Plus, you get more time with your kids.
I also do get a little jealous of my husband sometime because he does not have set hours at his job. Sometimes he will get home alot sooner than me and get home with the kids. I HAVE to work til 5 everyday. It sucks. But...I have dealt with it. I hope this helps!

I get why you feel this way, it would be hard. But I think mommies are special. I think that no matter what you are going to bond with your baby and it will be incredible. It will be different than Dad's and that's okay. There will be times when baby chooses Dad over you and vice versa...it really sucks both ways, trust me! ;) I have a friend who works full time and dad stays home and she has some of these issues too. Every time I see them her son wants her and clings to her and is always all over her...even though he's with Dad all day. So even though it's hard, you have to look at the big picture and realize that you're making the right choice for your family right now. It may change in the future and it may not, but either way you baby gets the best of both of you! Additionally, I just have to add that you're still tired and hormonal and all this will get better. In about another month when your son is sleeping more and eating more you will begin to feel like a normal person once again. I always feel like the first 6 months are the absolute hardest!

Everything you are feeling is normal. Rest assured that you are making hard decisions but they are for the benefit of your family. We have to do what is right for our own individual situations and it sounds like unfortunately you are the one missing out. You are also teaching you little one that tough choices need to be made and you are strong enough to do that. You are teaching him that women are tough and able to provide. In this day and age health insurance and benefits are necessary and you should be proud of yourself for being able to offer these for your family. I would imagine that at some point your husband will be jealous of your ability to leave the house and speak to adults on a regular basis, lol. If your mood does not lift you may want to talk to your obgyn about possible hormonal depression that is very common after childbirth. Although, this probably isn't the case because everything you are feeling is common when a new mom has to go back to work. Just keep the thought in the back of your mind. I hope you feel better soon :) You are doing an awesome job as a Mom! He will love you all the same and maybe even be a bit fonder since he doesn't see you as much.

Well, the good news is that we can all share in the same Mommy guilt, right? It sucks. I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad about this.
I do agree with one of the posters below; can you think about giving him a later bedtime since he doesn't have to get up early to got to daycare? You could have a little more time with him that way. I get home at 6 and my toddler goes to bed at 8, so after dinner, and bathtime, I have about half an hour to cuddle and spend time with her before I have to put her to bed. It's hard to be a working mom, but unfortunately for us, it's a necessity. As hard as it is, consider yourself blessed to know that your baby is home with daddy and not a stranger. You definately have my support! I understand how you feel! *hugs*

Awww, I had a big ole' smile when I read this. What a caring husband you have and it's good he is taking care of the baby. Jealousy is normal in this situation... in any sitter situation or staying home with the baby. I can understand your afraid your going to miss something.

When your at work can you put pics of the baby by your desk or whereever and call every now and then just to hear the baby coo? Maybe your husband can send ya pics on the cell phone? I get sad sometimes too when I go to school all day then have to do homework too at home. I get jealous if my daughter is prone to go to my dad on that day. There's that little voice saying hey hey your going to lose them... It's okay though...

keep reminding yourself your working at this place to help your lil one get all he deserves. Make the most of weekends and any time he's awake, even if it's the middle of the night rubbing his back to go to sleep. When he's older he'll start staying awake til 8-830 (depending on what yall work out) and you'll have more time. Quality is most important

Aw that's so cute Dawi... hugs from here too.

Do you own or rent? I was going to suggest maybe seeing if it's possible or feasible to move a little closer to the schools so you have that extra 80 mins a day.

You are absolutely normal. It gets better with time as your little one grows. You'll find ways to make your bond special. He will bond with you in a different way than his dad regardless of the amount of time you each spend with him. Be patient with yourself and honor your feelings.

My advise is to be thankful for the supportive husband who is sympathetic. Your boy is in good hands, and it's important that they bond too! Focus on all the good you have and relaize that this time is only a drop in the bucket of motherhood and the time we get to bond with our kids! Bonding is a lifetime event, not just during the newborn phase!! Make the most out of the time you get to see with your baby instead of focusing on what you want more of as it distracts you from really enjoying the moment and being present with your son. Bonding is bathing, bonding is changing diapers, bonding is feeding, bonding is talking/singing/playing with your baby. Make the most of the time you do get with him...and support your husband as it is very hard to watch a 5 month old and get some work done! Be confident that you are doing the best you can with what you know, and what you can do....and that is enough.

S.

I feel for you and promise that it does get better. It is perfectly normal to have these feelings especially in the beginning. I was in the same situation with my first for very similar reasons and it was difficult to let go. However, as time went on the jealousy subsided and I was able to remain thankful that a family member was caring for my son. Now I have two and there was much less of the jealousy/heartbreak as with leaving number one. Also as others have said, as your little one grows, he will become more alert and you will be able to spend more time with him. One idea for now is to make special time to just play, sing, talk to him when you get home. Take over as the one who puts him down for his naps and for bedtime. It really is about the quality of time you spend more than the quantity. Good luck and hang in there!

I've definitely been there and the only thing I can say is that it's completely normal for you to feel that way and it DOES get easier with time. You just went back last Monday so you're still adjusting to this new schedule. Plus, I just want to say that I saw a couple of other posters said to delay the sleeptime but 7pm is a perfectly acceptable beditme for a 5 month old. I would even venture so far as to say it's a little bit late. All the sleep books I read emphasize the importance of a good night's sleep and a lot of babies are tuned to wake up with the sun. Whenever my son slept past 6 or 7pm, he would be cranky the next day b/c he still woke up at 6am! Even when he went to bed at 10, my husband and I would think, oh good we get to sleep in tomorrow. Nope. Up at 6am, just crankier =P So don't delay the bedtime. Just make hte most of your time at home! Best wishes.

I too am a school teacher and like that my job allows me to get out earlier than most but it is still hard to be a working mother.
First, understand that your son knows you are his mommy. You and he will always have a special bond. Also, when you get home if he's napping get done whatever needs to be done so that when he wakes you can spend time with him.Remember it's not about the quantity of time it's about quality time. Also, note that your son's naps will change and most likely he won't be taking that afternoon nap forever, so you will get to spend more time with him once you get home. It's hard to find a balance and I'm not sure it is ever completely done. The jealousy you feel is normal, I felt it too with those who were watching my son. I soon realized that my son prefers to be with me, most of the time, he's now in the terrible 3's. Remember also you are a mom first then a teacher.

Hi L.,

Thanks for being so honest with your feelings. Here are my thoughts from a Mom of 2 grown boys and parent educator.

First, all your feelings are totally normal. Sadness, jealousy, maybe even some guilt. Knowing you are normal is a healthy way of looking at this challenge.

Looking for a "happy place" may sound like a healthy response, but it is not very realistic. You are still very "hormonal" (takes about a year for your body to function normally after giving birth) so most situations you will tend to react strongly to. How about instead you look for a "better fit" place for your life? Ask the question, how can I tweak my schedule or the baby's schedule a bit so I can have more time with him? Brainstorm all the ideas you can (even silly ones). Don't throw out any until you have a long list to choose from. Try a few till one makes sense.

Also, remember this situation will not stay the same. Your son's sleep and awake patterns will change and eventually you will have more time. Nothing is permanent. Your son will love you as much as Daddy. Love is not limited.

You have such a blessing in having grandparents to help you. That's something to smile about too!

Hope this helped.

J. Clark, MA parent educator and instructor of Love and Logic, a practical approach to parenting.

Wow, do I feel ya on this topic! I recently went back to work after graduating nursing school. My "baby" is no longer a baby; she's 4. But I still found myself getting jealous of their time together. DD would tell me all about the awesome day they'd had, and I'd be thinking how I missed out. Yet, I loved how my hubby embraced staying home with her, too. So many conflicting feelings!
I agree with previous mommies...gradually shift the baby's bedtime to a later time so you can spend time with him when you get home. And, it might seem harsh because you'll be tired after a long day, but take over the evening care so you can bond with the baby that way. So much bonding depends on just basic care, especially with a baby. My hubby never bathed or or fed or put our baby to bed because he'd come home tired after a long day--and he and the baby had a hard time really making that connection. It wasn't until he stayed home while I worked evenings that they really bonded over simple things like making dinner together and bath play time and reading a story at night. If you shift the baby's schedule a bit, you can work out before he even wakes up, then dash off to work, come home and play with him while hubby gets dinner ready, snuggle him and get him down for his second nap, have quiet dinner with hubby, be there when baby wakes from nap, play more while hubby tidies from dinner, get baby ready and put him to bed. Of course, that is assuming hubby won't mind prepping and cleaning up dinner! But it sounds like he is willing! You can take over dinner duty on the weekends to make it fair! lol!!
It'll take some time to get baby gradually used to a later shift in his schedule, I think it'll be worth it...good luck!!!!

What your are feeling is absolutely normal. It is always difficult leaving our newborns even if we are leaving him/her with daddy. One thing you should be extremely grateful for is that you do have a lot of time off throughout the year. School holidays and summer vacation are more than most of us get. Your baby will bond just fine with you; just be sure that you take time with him every night, no matter what. Quality versus quantity.

Your feelings are very normal. The only thing I can think of to suggest is that you work with hubby to readjust the nap and bedtime so that you'll have more time with your little guy. If he can start working your little one to napping fifteen minutes earlier at each naptime during the day, then another fifteen minutes in a day or so until he gets him to the point where he'll be just waking from an afternoon nap when you get home, that will give you some good bonding time. Before long, the little guy will be adjusting to less naps per day too, and will likely be ready for a later bedtime, which will help as well.