Looking for Advice on Placing an Adoption or Surrogate Ad.

Updated on July 10, 2008
K.M. asks from Schenectady, NY
20 answers

My husband and I have been looking into adoption after years of trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant. We have done everything for medication to IVF and nothing has worked. I was giving the advice from an adoption agency of first placing an ad in the paper expressing our desire to adopt. They suggested we also add in there that we would consider a surrogate. I don't know how I feel about this. My husband and I are desperate to do whatever we have to do to have a child but I am really hesitant going down this avenue. I have heard and read horror stories of people being taken advantage of and we have already been on such an emotional rollercoaster the last 6 years that I really don't feel I could handle anymore heartbreak. We recently had a child we cared for as foster parents returned to her mother after 18 months of being in our home. We were lead to believe from the beginning that we would be able to adopt her and she was the most perfect baby we have ever laid eyes on. She truly was our angel and we love her dearly. We are just getting over that loss and are really starting to "live" again and I just don't know what to do. I want to do anything I can to make our dreams come true but am scared. We have contacted an attorney so we have an idea of how the process would work. I just don't know what route to take. Any suggestions?

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M.C.

answers from New York on

Hi K.,

First, I want to say I am so sorry for all you have gone through. I too spent years on the "infertility roller coaster" (7 to be exact). When we switched gears, we found American Adoptions. They are wonderful, and you are at minimal financial risk (matters of the heart unfortunately no one can protect you from). After 18 mos of waiting, we finally became parents to a wonderful baby girl. She is now 20 mos, and is just the light in our lives. If you go to their website, you can find tons of information. They have a constant flow of birth mothers who are screened, counseled etc. We are looking into adopting another soon. Best of luck to you!! M.

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J.T.

answers from New York on

One of my friends has adopted her three daughters from Russia, all of them were about 10years old when she adopted them. They do have babies to adopt, however. She went through "Happy Families" adoption agency and had a positive experience each time. Not without frustration, of course...but she and her family are very happy. Good luck!

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G.L.

answers from New York on

My friend is in charge of foster placement/adoption for the State of Connecticut...would you like her email? She is phenominal and could answer all your questions.

Let me know,
G.

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A.H.

answers from New York on

Hay. 1st... good luck. We tried for so long.. and then I had many miscarraiges-- couldn't handle the heartbreak anymore. We started with an american Attorney.. who swindled us out of $5000 dollars.. took 3 years to get it back. Then we tried a place in Jersey who handled adoptions but I wasn't to fond of them. Then we went to Holt International... they are one of the best. They help you every step of the way. The children are healthy... and most are babies when they come home. My son was 2 1/2 months old.. and sleeping thru the night!!! My daughter was 6 months old.. both are the best thing that has ever happened to us. My husband was worried about the children not looking like us... and adopting from Korea (the country I picked) - but when a child doesn;'t look like you - it;s easier for them to understand adoption. We use to pick them up as a baby and say I thank God every day that we adopted you. So they heard adoption when they were small.. and then we joined a group.. check it on line.. Camp Friendship NJ.. do a search.. and then look at the pictures.. this could be you in a few years. My son is 12 now.. and a wonderful son.. and my daughter is 9 and excellent. I love them both so much and so does my hubby. They are the best things that ever happened to us. I couldn;t ask for better children. I tell them that God knew they need parents and that God knew we needed children and that's how we all came together. I also tell them about how we adopted our dog too. So we are a put together family. Please if you want any info.. let me know.. [email protected]____.com A.
It's a scarey road.. just trust that you will fall in love the minute you get the picture of your baby. They mean so much to us... good luck.. God Bless you and your hubby!!!!!!
p.s. once you get that baby from another country thru Holt.. they can';t take that baby away. The birth parents give up all rights the day they walk away. The only way they can take you baby.. is if you don;t take care of him or her. We liked the security of Holt and that they are the oldest adoption agency for foreign adoption .. they stated in 1940's... and they are highly successful in making parents!!!!!

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L.C.

answers from New York on

K.
do not put out the add. there is no screening process, you get people who are "just testing the water", people looking for money and you get all the emotional bags.... my husband and i adopted both with an agency and threw a private family adoption.... go thru an agency, they screen the mothers and really help protect you and your money.. and they have loads of emotional support. we had one mother back out of an adoption by just disappearing, the very next one we hooked up with, we got our baby girl, and got invited to cut the cord and watch the birth...yes there is ups and downs but it is much safer.... i know you don't know me but we used American Adoption in kansas. we also used them from my sons home study and we know two other couples that have used them... they are on the web so check them out...if you have any questions or just need to write , feel free. we tried a. insemination but that failed. my husband survived childhood cancer so we always knew our road would be different.... by the way from the day we started form #1 to the day our daughter was delivered was nine months.... have faith, right now some mother is coming to terms with the facts she wants to put her baby up for adoption and is going to start looking for you.... hang in there laura

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R.H.

answers from Albany on

K.,

I am so sorry to hear that your beloved child was returned to her biological mother. I cannot even imagine how you are feeling, but am very glad that you're at a point where you can begin to investigate other options.

We, too, had only devastating results with IVF, and finally turned to international adoption after speaking with our RE at length. I wasn't ready to do a donor cycle that only gave us a 50/50 shot at becoming parents, and he would do a surrogacy cycle but could not help us find a surrogate. It seems NY is a bit backward in their surrogacy laws. A child born would be the surrogate's legal child regardless of the fact that the child was conceived with gametes from the bio. parents. The closest states to us that recognize surrogacy are PA and MA; you could do a cycle in NY, but would need a lawyer and a very strict contract even if they're family. (I don't want to scare you, only let you know what you might be against. I know of a woman in CA who has been a surrogate seven times, once for a couple from England. Good, honest women are out there!)

Our big "break" came with a Korean adoption. E. was five months at referral and came home at 8.5 months old. I won't lie; it was a rocky road. We'd even joke that it was sometimes worse than Lupron! But if you hang in there you WILL become parents. Just prepare yourself for having to jump through flaming hoops and prove yourself over and over. Because if you do, it is so worth every hoop.

If you'd like to pursue domestic adoption, I've heard great things about Wide Horizons for Children in MA (http://www.whfc.org ; also handles international), and an acquaintance recently recommended Friends in Adoption out of VT (http://www.friendsinadoption.org). I also have friends who adopted three brothers through the state and had very little out-of-pocket costs.

Wishing you luck during your journey. Please keep us all posted as to how you and your DH are doing.

-R.

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D.S.

answers from New York on

Go to Adoptive Parent Committee. It is known as APC. they are a great place to gather lots of information. If you are local to NY tristate area they have monthly meetings and also put on an annual conference where you can gather a lot of information. The conference is in Nov at Weill Cornell Medical College this year.

http://adoptiveparents.org/

If you want a domestic adoption I would recommend an attorney. I do not think you should put adoption and surrogate in the same ad however there are consultants that are great at placing ads and know which areas and time of year and days of the week are the best. Find one of them if you can to help you. Will cost but from a few friends they helped them greatly.

We have an adopted daughter from Kazakhstan so I can help with international more than domestic.

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J.M.

answers from New York on

i am so sorry for your struggle. i can only imagine your emotions.

do you know what the infertility problem is? if it is your viability of egg, maybe look into egg donors?

if you are unable to carry the baby, adoption would be great, but i can say it seems to be a tough road to get a baby. prepare yourself that at any moment someone may change their mind. i have been told by adopters those ads do get a couple of horrid people. cant you just go thru an agency, at least that way you know the mother has gone far enough to be serious? but also investigate international adoption, it does take the chance of changing minds out of the equation.

for the surrogate, i would highly suggest using an egg donor(or your own egg). i know it may be a little pricier, but the peace of mind you will have in knowing she cannot claim the child is hers will be worth. in nj we all remember baby M.

i know i havent helped much. i really hope you get to your dream. just remember to keep your options opened. good luck to you and your husband.

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K.D.

answers from New York on

My advice is listen to your gut and your instincts. If the whole surrogate thing doesnt feel right to you, I would stay away from that idea. Because I believe those doubts and fears could be your intuition warning you. At the same time, those negative feelings could also attract negative energy to the situation, that's what I believe also, in the law of attraction and The Secret. Take it one step at a time, go for adoption if you can embrace that concept wholeheartedly. Give that all your positive energy and see what comes from that first before revisiting the surragate idea. Good Luck!

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L.C.

answers from New York on

Hi K.:) I too wanted to drop a note and say that I am sorry you guys have been going through this. I have many friends that have been struggling to get pregnant and went with adoption. One friend and her hubby went through "foster to adopt" program.....I know you said you had a baby taken away after you fostered, but I was told that this program works with kids/babies that are 99.9% will not be returned to the parents so there is a higher chance.Our friends had to pay NOTHING and after a year got boy and a girl.
Another idea..... We used to work at the homeless shelter for women and had a lot of women(girls)came with many children and pregnant again.Some(the selfless ones, who realized that they can not give their baby a good life)were willing to give babies up.So contacting shelters maybe an option, to see if there is anybody there who is considering not keeping the baby. Since shelters do counseling and stay in touch with women, they can tell what kind of person they are(believe me, I have seen way to many that will milk you for what you worth, but some are different).
And about surrogatsy......do you not have a good friend that would be willing to carry a baby for you????I am sorry, but if I would've seen my friend stuggle for that long trying to have a baby.....I would offer in a heart beat and be honored.
I wish you the best and believe that God has a plan for us all(sometimes it seams unfair,but somehow it always works out at the end:))

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K.H.

answers from New York on

If you go the surrogate route, consider California...state laws are much more protective to you there than some other places and there are some reputable agencies / services.

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K.C.

answers from New York on

K.,

My husband and I adopted our children through a private attorney(we did not use an agency) and had a wonderful adoption liaison whom I would highly recommend. The attorney was wownderful, did not take a dime of our money unitl we came home with a baby. The adoption liaison helped us every step of the way. We couldn't have done it without her guidance, support and advice. We were in the delivery room for both of our children. My son was born in Tennessee and my daughter in Arizona. We are truly blessed with these children and they could not be more loved if they came from my womb. My greatest joy is that I have referred these professionals to many of my friends and I'm happy to say they have all had (many) succesful adoptions and created wonderful families. I would be happy to speak with further about our experience with domestic adoption. I'm also going to give you the website of an adoptive mother (yes, one of mine) who started her own business and can offer you quite a bit of assistance. Her website is www.adoptionprofileassistance.com
Please contact me directly and I would be happy to tell you more about our expereience.
K.
[email protected]____.com

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K.B.

answers from New York on

K.......I do not any any information for you. I'm writing to you to wish you the best of luck in the search of your child. May God bless you all and help you, your husband and baby find one another.
Kelley

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M.G.

answers from New York on

Hi K.,

My heart goes out to you in your pursuit to have a family. You will get your dream one way or another... so keep that vision! We also struggled with infertility, so I understand some of the pain you are going through. We did have success with IVF and now are blessed with 3 children as a result (twins and a singleton).

Adoption is a wonderful option and one which we considered also, but I was wondering if you considered embryo adoption. This would depend on your infertility issues, but I thought I'd mention it to you. There are several agencies that work with couples. One is called www.embryodonation.org, but there are several others.

Best of luck, M.

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L.L.

answers from New York on

First of all, I just want to say that my heart goes out to you and your husband. It's stories like these that make me stop and realize how fortunate I am to have my son, Brendan. I wish more parents would feel as fortunate as I do.

Second, I know there are many horror stories related to surrogate mothers, but maybe try to focus on all of the success stories for a bit? Maybe there's someone you can get in contact with who's been through it, and that can inspire you and your husband to try it? Of course I don't want you to be taken advantage of in any way, that would be so scary and I can't say I'd do it if I were in your shoes. But there's got to be some sort of organization that you could contact for a thorough look into all of the good stories that come out of using a surrogate.

Lots of luck to you, I also praise you for being a foster parent. That takes very special people as well. Please keep us posted on what you decide!!

Lynsey

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L.C.

answers from New York on

Hi K.,
This is such a personal decision that I hesitate to give advice but I would first turn to a reputable adoption agency(do your homework first)these people have experience and vast knowledge of adoption laws in your area. I have been blessed twice through international adoption (South Korea)It was positive experience both times(although the wait is never easy!)Both my children came at @ 6 months old.(they are now 9 & 11!)The agency we used was FCA (Family & Childrens Agency) They have offices in Norwalk and Hartford.They deal with both Domestic and International Adoption. I believe the best way to see if it feels right for you is to attend an orientation mtg. where you can hear all about their programs and get your questions answered. Good Luck to you you'll be in my thoughts.

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A.D.

answers from New York on

Dear K., I don't have an answer but I will say a prayer for you both. As the mother of 5 I know there is no greater gift and if you can adopt and give a home to a child all the better. There are so many unwanted children out there. My best wishes,Grandma Mary

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N.D.

answers from New York on

You say you and your husband are desperate to adopt a child, when what you REALLY mean is you want an infant. If you want a child there are thousands of unwanted older children waiting to be adopted. Remember infants only remain babies for a very short time. I adopted 4 brothers, ages 2,4,8 & 12 at the time of adoption and the youngest is now 16. They are wonderful kids and I never regretted having an older family.
Check out the adoption blue books and perhaps 'your' child is there. Don't listen to people who say they have all kinds of problems. Of course some do, but biological children have problems too. There is no guarantee what problems are growing in your womb. Also overseas adoptions can be risky too. Since you were already a foster mom I would check out kids available for adoption in your state. Who knows, maybe you can find an entire family like I did.
In any case ..good luck

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K.N.

answers from New York on

Hello K.,

I am so sorry that you and your husband have had such a heartbreaking time trying to conceive. After all that you have been through, it is wonderful that you are looking to adoption to complete your family.

My sister and law and her husband also had complications, and after years of trying to sustain a pregnancy, looked to adoption.

You are correct in saying that there are people looking to take advantage of those in your position, which makes it really important for you to work with a lawyer and/or agency that you really trust. My in laws successfully worked with a lawyer in Nassau county on both of their adoptions. (I can get his number for you if you would also like to speak with someone else).

They had placed an ad for their second adoption, and had success with it quickly – they heard from the mother of a pregnant teen in the NY area who was late in her pregnancy. I believe the ads were directed to a voicemail system and then screened by the lawyer.

Their second adoption was so much faster and simpler than their first. The road to their first adoption was a bit rockier. There were much heartbreak – one of their first prospects was a local young mother who worked with them for months during her pregnancy and then changed her mind after she gave birth – it was not only a heartbreaking disappointment, but an expensive one too.

Thankfully, shortly thereafter, they received a call from their lawyer. A baby in the Midwest was suddenly available – the couple he was supposed to go to chose not to go through with the adoption. The birth mother read my S/BIL’s dossier and chose them to adopt her baby. They were at the hospital when he was born and flew home with him as their son.

I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel, but I can completely understand not wanting to experience any more disappointment. I do know that the road to adoption is not always smooth, and there can be many letdowns, but if you can stick with it, the reward can be amazing. You have already been through so much that it may be difficult for you to recognize how strong all this has made you. If you and your husband persevere, you will be able to complete your family, no matter the method.

Even with all that they went through, my SIL has said that there was a plan in her not being able to sustain a pregnancy – she was supposed to have *these* two kids. They are both so very special to our entire family.

If you would like, I will be more than happy to get more information for you about the lawyer and ad – just send me a message.

The very best of luck to you both!

~Karissa

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M.K.

answers from New York on

I would suggest do not place the add
do not use a surrogate.

ADOPT from over seas.

Tajikistan, My husbands country has so many babies with no mothers.unfortunately they don't allow inter contry adoption unless its to a tajik citizen,
( this is a corrupt /Muslim country)

http://travel.state.gov/family/adoption/country/country_3...

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