Loner Husband

Updated on May 29, 2007
J.L. asks from Olathe, KS
4 answers

Ok, so my husband have been together for almost 9 years but only married for 1 1/2. We are totally different people, which is a good thing sometimes. Im really social and i NEED to have friends that i can talk to about stuff (you know what i mean) He says he doesnt need any friends. Just recently we have become friends with the people down the street, and they all really like Him. Well the other day he informs me that he doesnt want to hang out w/ them anymore which puts me in an awkward place since our son plays w/ theres all the time. I feel like i have to now make excuses up on why he isnt going to come out. So we got into a BIIIIGGGGfight a little while ago becausde he came home from work, and got his dinner and went up stairs to the bedroom to eat it. He is trying to make me choose between having friends or hanging out with him. Anyway to make a long story short, im just getting frustrated that after almost 5 years we finally have some real friends (we are not from ks) What do i do? is there anything to do? is our marriage doomed because we are so different?

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S.

answers from Kansas City on

My husband doesn't go so far as to eat dinner in his bedroom, but he is definitely a loner too. In general he finds most people annoying. I on the other hand am a social butterfly and flutter around talking to everyone. I would explain to him that you are not going to choose between him or having friends. Obviously you can have both and as a stay at home mom you need both. We have been married for 10 years so I don't think that your marriage is doomed. I think that your husband just needs to pull his head out of his you know what. Go hang out with your friends explain to them that your husband is exhausted when he comes home from work and rather not be around people.

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J.M.

answers from Kansas City on

J., My husband is a little like this. We moved here 5 years ago from NYC and he didn't have any friends here - only I did. We don't have a lot of free time and when we do he'd rather spend it with me and the kids. I, however, need some girlfriends. We had to have a big talk about it about a year ago and I had to let him know that as much as I love him and spending time with him I need time on my own and time with my girlfriends. This hurt his feelings a little and I felt bad. But in the end he realized that I was a better mother and wife when I'm sane - and I'm sane when I can be with my girlfriends.

As for finding couples that you can both get along with, I think this is the age old problem for couples. It has taken us 5 years to find two couples - yes two - that we really enjoy hanging out with. Other than that it's me hanging out with my friends. We get invited to quite a few get togethers and he chooses which ones he'll go to. I try not to make excuses for him though. I just tell people, he's not real social and doesn't like big groups - which is the truth.

When there's a couple that he doesn't like to hang out with, but our kids do, then I try to schedule kid activities and he can choose to come or not.

I know this isn't the easiest thing to navigate, but it isn't a marriage wrecker if you both talk about your feelings and you both respect the other's needs. He needs alone time with you, so be sure he gets it. You need alone time with your friends, make he sure he gives it. And occasionally he needs to suck it up and hang with a couple who bugs him. And occasionally you need to suck it up and turn down an invite to stay home with him.

Good luck!

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M.O.

answers from Kansas City on

I live in Shawnee, right off 75th and I-35. If you are interested in hanging out I am always looking for other stay at home moms friends. I have 2 boys 1 and 3. You can e-mail me at [email protected]____.com forward to hearing from ya!

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A.L.

answers from Kansas City on

J.:

It sounds as though your husband may be depressed? Something to rule out first... Next, you don't have to chose between your husband and having friends. You can have, and need, both. If you enjoy the company of these friends, and your son has made play mates, then continue spending time with them. If your husband does not want to join you, that is his choice. It is important for you (and your son) to have a balanced life with social interactions.

A. L

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