Lonely Wife Wanting Attention

Updated on January 08, 2007
V.D. asks from Kansas City, MO
4 answers

I really need your advice, opinion.
I am 35 years old and have been married for almost 10 years (including 1 year seperation)Last year my two daughters went to Texas to visit their grandparents for the summer but before the summer was over I decided to let them stay for the next school year(of course after speaking to my parents and asking the girls what they thought of the idea?) My daughters agreed that it was ok with them if they went to school in Texas for the year. My husband and I were going thru some difficult times we weren't communicating and everything we talked about got thrown out of proportion and would turn into this huge aurgument. I had been begging him to pay attention to me I continually asked him to talk to me, go do something with me, cuddle with me, say I love you once in a while - No response. So one day after picking up our youngest (2yr son) from daycare and driving home I just kept driving and never went home. I started staying with my dad (my parents are divorced-my dad lives here and my mother and her husband live in Texas)While I was apart from my husband I met this gentleman and we would go out and spend time together but were not intimateat at that time - I was honest with my husband and told him before he found out a different way - Then he started responding to me the way I wanted him to - he would call, he would say all the things I wanted to hear but by this time I was wrapped up in this other man that I never had to tell what to do - so after 9 months into our seperation I decided I wanted a divorce and I went to him with the papers and he signed them - I continued to see this other man but I wasn't really ready to let go of my marriage - We decided to try it again and I have not seen this other man again (after explaining to him that I thought I owed to myself,husband and children to try and make this work.)Now we are together we have even moved to a different side of town to get away from the old enviroment but now I am sad to say everything is back to the way it was only now he calls me names ( the man I was seeing while I was seperated is African American and I am Hispanic and so is my husband) He calls me names, he tells me how can you sit there and tell me you love me and do what you did - if you loved me you wouldn't have done that! This morning I gave him a kiss and said I love you and he said ok - I asked him aren't you going to say it back - he told me I don't ever want to hear that word again - So I ask myself what are we doing - he doesn't want to leave but he doesn't act like he wants to be there - he had girls coming and going while we seperated including ex baby mama from 13 yrs ago - so I thought maybe I should ask him did he start to have feeling for her again - he told me how can I have feelings for these other females when all I ever wanted was to be with you (you are my dream girl) he told me they are there to pass the time - I am so confused I do not feel like he wants to be with other girls but I don't know what will change his attitude - I know I have to except the blame because I am the one that went outside our marriage but when does all the mean feelings start to go away - he constantly throws it in my face. How much should I be expected to take. I tell him I can't throw the times you cheated on me before we were married in your face because I chose to come back therefore I have to except what has happened and move on but with him it is like he wants to see me hurt as much as I know I have hurt him - for that I am truly sorry for. I have known him since I was 20yrs old (15yrs) I just want us to start making progress in mending our marriage. I need your advice because crying on the drive to work and acting like everything is going to be ok is really wearing on me -I am here for the struggle and to help him get pass the hurt I have caused ( I get so frustrated because I would have NEVER had gone outside my marriage but I was so thirsty for attention and affection and drowning in my own tears that I did make a wrong decision - my question now is- can it be corrected?)
Lost and Lonely

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answers from Kansas City on

I wanted to "second" what the other ladies have said. I think they are right. No guilt! You tried to work on it, he refused, you separated and you acted the way a normal separated person would.

It sounds to me like he did short time on good behavior to get you away from the other guy (you know the male ego). Now that he's got you, he sees no more reason to go out of his way for you. My advice is to try your hardest to shift gears and focus on getting ok with yourself. Stop trying so hard with him. He may or may not want the relationship to work, but if you have to beg him to meet your needs, then something is very wrong. So - focus on yourself. You don't have to move out yet if you're not ready, but stop having expectations from him because it takes too much of your energy to deal with your disappointment. Redirect your energy to YOURSELF. Plan your future away from him, see what it involves and what you have to do to get ready for it (lawyer, job, living space, whatever). Prepare yourself to move into that future, and do whatever else you need to to feel good about who you are - more time with girlfriends or family, take walks or whatever helps you relax emotionally, take good care of yourself physically, be really nice to yourself. Since he won't take care of you, SOMEBODY HAS TO and it should be YOU! When you have a plan and are ready to go, you probably should move on. A leopard rarely changes its spots. If he sees you pulling away and changes behavior again, don't forget it's just short time until you start sucking up to him again. Don't do it! If he screams, cries and begs, tell him to get signed up with a counselor and if you see him being serious about that, go to counseling together and maybe a miracle will happen. Otherwise, don't revert.

V., this is going to be one of the most painful things - breaking away permanently. But try to remember your choice is a lifetime of unhappiness with someone who doesn't give you what you need, or a short period of unhappiness on the way to something better - something you deserve.


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answers from Kansas City on

I'm just going to put it out there for you...It sounds to me like it's time to move on. Don't feel guilty for what you did. You were separated, and HE DID IT TOO! He is way out of line to be acting the way he is. Sounds like he can't decide what he wants, so make the decision for yourself. You can't make it work by yourself, he has to want it too, and if he isn't acting like he wants a relationship, you have to move on. It will be tough, but I think eventually that you will be glad you did, and hopefully a lot happier. Normally I would be all for making it work, but it sounds like you've done everything you can. God Bless and I hope things work out well for you.



answers from Kansas City on

I know this is not what you want to hear, but, this relationship is only hurting you and your children not helping. He is manipulating you so that you will do what he wants you to do, being nice until you come back and then back to the same old guy. You and your children deserve better!! Your children should come first and quite frankly they are learning that this is healthy and they will find a man or be a man just like daddy. Get out and think of your children first. Then yourself and then lastly if you have any energy left him! Good Luck, I've been there, done that. I know it is hard when you're are in it, but once you get out you will see it is better!



answers from Kansas City on

V. hi its W.. first move on you tried it didnt work its not gonna work. for your kids its not gonna do any good to see their parents in this condition. you have to be strong and move on. your husband done everything right when you were seperated to get you back and now that he has you he doesnt have to. and as for blame there is 100% blame on both sides of the fence. a marriage is 100/100 and if that isnt happening than somebody is gonna feel it. be strong, move on for you and your kids. you deserve and your kids need to be happy thats what needs to happen.

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