Life Before & After Kid

Updated on July 27, 2010
P.R. asks from Phoenix, AZ
18 answers

Life before kid & after kid

Mine was a traditional arranged marriage, from the moment I got to know him I knew that he was the one... Like any other newly married couple we did pamper each other... We did a lot of things together... Tried out every cuisine possible, watched movies first day first show... Long drives, walk by the beach... I was living the dream

When I got pregnant... My husband was the one who took such good care of me....even now he is the best dad, taking good care of my 16 month old..

But nowadays life is a lot different from what it was... Other than grocery  shopping, everything we do is for our daughter or with our daughter... 

Well I'm not really complaining, I love doing the things that we do ..... But somewhere deep down in a little corner I do miss the days we had jus for ourselves... Even a simple dinner or a movie requires a lot of planning & preparation... And most of the time we end up bringing food home & watch a movie on DVD...

I'm sure I'm not the only one doing this, in fact I jus have one kid... There are ppl who have a handful & are doing gr8....

But I'm only married for 3 years... And I have already stopped doing all the sweet little things I used to do for him... Sometimes I even forget to give him coffee.... Half the days I'm dead sleepy, I don't even know when he is coming to bed. .

I'm jus too occupied with my lil one.... N  she cannot be without me..How is the future gonna be?? Will it get worse?? Is this called the "responsibility" that comes with babies?? Will I ever get those honeymoon days back?? Or are they gone for good??

What can I do next?

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answers from Denver on

You do not feel anything different then the rest of us. Your world changes DRAMATICALLY as well as your relationship. The only thing I have to tell you is, your husband came first which is hard thing to remember. In short, although your new baby requires a ton of work and attention you need to make sure your husbands needs are met also. Make an extra effort to get him his coffee in the morning, no matter how tired you are. Make it a priority to take at least one day a month (preferably once a week) to get out on a date, just you and your husband. Make an extra effort to be intimate. I know this sounds like an impossibility right now but believe me it is critical, not only for your husband but for you. The payoff will be huge and as your child gets older, she will benefit from watching how a healthy relationship works. The best payoff is when she grows up and has learned to marry a great guy like you did.

Good luck, believe it or not it does get easier for a while, until they are teenagers. = )

P.S. One last bit of advice, with my first son, I doted, and did EVERYTHING for him. Now three kids and one on the way later I have learned that I needed to give him opportunities to learn and do things on his own a bit. He is not as independent and confident as my other two. Enjoy.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

Marriage changes all of the time.

Your marriage right now is focused on this child, maybe a few more in the next few years. The one thing to remember is that you and your husband are on this trip together. After your child/children leave, it can be like a big honeymoon again. In the meantime, you make mini honeymoons.

When our daughter was first born, there were times when my husband and I could go days without a real conversation. All we had to do was take a look at each other and know what we were thinking. He would wink, I would blow him a kiss.

We were also working full time, I was a buyer so I had buying trips sometimes week or 2 at a time, our daughter was 6 weeks old on my return to work.

Back then there were no cell phones and laptop computers. I had to grab a phone when I could and we left each other lots of voice mails.. We always said I love you and I miss you to each other.

We would wave to each other across a room. Whenever possible we would sit next to each other. If one got up for a drink or a snack, we always asked the other "what can I bring you?'.. These were the tiny things we did to just keep in touch with each other.

We took great pleasure in going out as a family, since we worked so much.. When we did go out alone, we tried to remind each other, no matter what was going on, we still loved each other, even though we missed our time together..

As our child got older, we found our neighbors were like us.. Working full time with children and we could share our feelings about marriage and children. It helped a lot to know we were all in this and experiencing so much of the same emotions.

I learned to leave post it notes on the bathroom mirror. My husband would respond to them.

Now we of course can call each other at almost anytime and just say, I miss you. Email is also an awesome way to send the articles, set schedules and just say I love you..

Our daughter is now going to be a Junior in College and we miss her all of the time. We have NO REGRETS about all of the time, energy and love we have given her, even the times when we sacrificed our personal times as husband and wife. She is an amazing young woman and our proudest part of our marriage.

This is an exhausting part of parenting that you are experiencing right now, but I promise it gets easier on may levels some of it never leaves. You can stay close to your husband by just telling him how you feel.. in person, by phone, by email or just with a wink or blown kiss.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Jackson on

You are not alone. Hey, websites like this wouldn't exist if everything were cookie cutter when babies come. In my opinion, those honeymoon days aren't done, they just won't be as frequent. You have to work a little harder for those days. Like getting a babysitter for a few hours to go out. I know you are tired, and it's hard to not want to just lay down when your little one goes to bed. But take ten minutes to give your husband a neck rub, or just cuddle on the couch. Sometimes just the little things give back those warm feelings of being a couple. Have faith, and don't give up. Enjoy your little one while she's still little, and know she's going to get bigger and more independent and you'll have more time with your husband.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Awww P., it does get better. You and your husband are in a rut as far as your coupleness is concerned. Remember before you got married and your mom and aunts would say marriage is work? This is what they meant, I've figured out because I often feel the way that you do and I have to look outside my daily routine, find someone to watch my kids, get my husband and myself out alone for a few hours. The affection towards them can definitely cool down, too. I'm a victim of that and struggle to remember why I am here on a daily basis, lol!
Will the honeymoon days come back? Maybe, but if you don't try to get out of your daily routine and get some fun time for you two, today, you may run the risk of growing apart, later.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Antonio on

I could have written this post when my first was 16 months old. It does get better. You are in the stage of seemingly never ending "baby"...and the first child is the toughest because you do more and cater to the first more. I almost didn't have a second child because my first overwhelmed me so much and life had changed too much.

We had 8 years of marriage before kids and were still on our honeymoon. it seemed that life went on much the same for my husband...while for me my life had been turned up-side down.

I does get better my son is now 5 and starting school my daughter is 3...I don't think there will be anymore kids. We have learned to go out and have fun together or stay in and have fun together...we stay in more and go out less. But now when we do go out as a family it can be more spontaneous...we will throw the kids in the car in their pajamas and run up to Sonic for a .99 cent sundae . Then tuck them in and have our movie time cuddled in bed. We can afford a babysitter only about twice a I have to do the scheduling and I do have a whole evening out with my husband. We eat and dream...making plans for what we are going to do when the kids leave home in only 14 more years (we have a lot to teach our kids in such a short amount of time...we have been married that long and it has flown by so fast.

There will start to be days where you aren't as sleepy...or you know at least you can take an afternoon nap and catch up a bit. Try and make a goal of getting him coffee a day or two a week to surprise him. With me I will pack my husband's lunch once or twice a week to surprise him. As my first got older my goal was to have dinner on the table 4 days a week...he told me how much it means to him to walk in the front door and smell hot food cooking.

Now is the time where doing the little things to pamper each other that were so easy when it was just you guys become super important. Try and keep doing them.

Another thing that really helped me was to find a mother's group to join...I found MOPS (mothers of preschoolers)...I went to their website and found a group near me. I have been a member for 4 years now and this years theme is "friends don't let friends mother alone" . You will find other women dealing with the same things you are dealing with and can give you support.

Hang in there it is a stage of your life,,,not forever and remember when the kids leave will just be you and your husband again the two of you alone...make sure you are still strong as a couple to honeymoon the rest of your lives together.

Sending you a huge hug!! You can private message me if you need more support or ideas.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

I have 2 kids and I must say honestly things really didn't change for us that much since having kids. We still do everything we did before the only difference is we can't be as spontaneous since we have to find childcare first. Our kids always sleep in their own beds so we always have 'our' bed and 'our' time like we did prior to kids. We can and do take small trips and vacations without the kids or we take them with us and if we want to do something 'just the 2 of us' we make arrangements. I don't understand why your daughter can't be without you or is it more you don't want to be without her?

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Tulsa on

it will get better when the baby is older be patient.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Well, your life will never be the same as it was, that's for sure! What you can do is plan an evening out without your daughter. Hire a babysitter. Make the reservations. You need to interact as a couple. Time together is extremely important - especially time without the children.
One thing we always did was put the kids to bed early.
We would even have date night at home... it was fun. We would order chinese food and eat in front of the fire. Or we'd get Mc Donalds and have a glass of wine with it out on the porch. Just the 2 of us.
You both need to work on being a couple again.
You need to keep the connection, because believe it or not, time is fleeting and before you know it, the kids are off to college. You will only have each other after that.
My husband and I have been married almost 21 years. We still do things together. We laugh. We spend time when we can. There are weeks where it's still all about the kids,but we always find a few minutes for each other.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Of course we all know we'll have to restructure our lives when a child becomes part of our family unit. We know it will be a lot of work. We know we'll be tired, exhausted, pushed to the end of our endurance. We just don't know, until it is real, just how demanding "demanding" can be. Parenting makes demands far harder than we ever could have imagined.

IF we can surrender to that, let that be our new reality, we'll do much better with it, feel happier and more fulfilled, than if we want it to be some other way. There is a great deal of choice available to us, if we know it. And surrender is not a once-and-for-always condition. Sometimes we have do recommit to parenthood every minute of a difficult day. But it's worth it, and our children will benefit from it, and will be better parents themselves for the model of good parenting we provide.

And it helps, too, if we always remember that those helpless, demanding, adorable babies did not ask to be born. That was our choice, and they should not have to suffer the consequences of our desire to get back our past.

Your life will get less focused on the baby (unless you choose to get pregnant again soon), and you will have more time for yourself as your child grows more independent. For both myself, and my grown daughter with her son, a fairly large shift happened around the age of four. Even before then, a toddler can learn to do some things for herself and play by herself for periods of time, and you will gradually find you're not watching her every moment.

Until then, both you and your husband may need to settle for little tokens of love and care for each other. If you're both dedicated to each other and your daughter, it will all work out. This seems like forever right now, because you're so overextended. But when it's over, you'll wonder how these first few, precious years passed so quickly.

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answers from Phoenix on

Didn't read all the posts but surrender???..... Are you kidding me? Your daughter will grow up and leave, you need to work on your relationship with your husband who will hopefully be your companion for the rest of your life. Of course your child needs you and is your responsibility but it's all about having balance. It will do your child good to spend a few hours with other people while you and hubby go on a date. And if you have a close/trustworthy person you can leave her with, take a few days and even spend it at a nearby resort if you don't want to travel too far. If your marriage isn't at its best then you won't be at your best as parents. I've been with my husband for 19 years and we have two boys. The boys treat girls (and most people in general) with so much love, respect, attention because they see the wonderful relationship my husband and I have. Don't neglect your time and relationship with your spouse, it is equally important.

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answers from Dallas on

This is typical. And, you can hold onto some of the other but it takes effort adn planning. Do you have family or friends to babysit once in awhile for date night? No? Contact a good nanny service or interview to find one. Keep something in there even if it takes extra effort. He will appreciate it and pay it back in spades. Don't make the kids the center of your every single day and minute. You have options. Have a sitter come to your house. She can be without you and will benefit from a little bit of that so she will get more socialized to the world and trust a few others for her temporary care.

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answers from Denver on

I didn't read all but of the few I did read I guess I have a different outlook on it. IT ONLY CHANGES IF YOU ALLOW IT TO!!! You have the control not the baby. Don't be a slave to the baby needs. Take care of you and your husbands needs as well. Get a sitter or have family watch her and do everything you did pre-baby.. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from doing this but - You!

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answers from Phoenix on

I think all new moms go through the same thing! One thing that I always try to remember is that marriage is work, and sometimes you have to work even when you are tired. With my 3 month old, I have been exhausted just from the constant things that have to get done so by the end of the day, I'm so tired I barely feel like being intimate with my husband (and I'm not just talking about sex). However, I realized that our lives are going to be exhausting now that we have a little one and if that is always going to be our excuse not to do things (go out, be together, plan a trip, etc), then we've got a pretty miserable/non-existent marriage in our future. So, we've started out doing little things. For example, once we put our baby down, we've made ourselves a cup of tea, turned off the TV and just talked. It doesn't sound like much, but it's something!

I'm not sure marriages ever go back to those honeymoon days and I don't agree with earlier posts that things don't have to change. Life is change. You just had a baby! Whether you want it to or not, things change. However, you can still have those special moments with your husband without your little one. They just might not be the same little special moments. Good luck!



answers from Phoenix on

Welcome to motherhood!


answers from New York on

While I don't really agree with love your husband more because he was first. I mean, if you have another kid would you love your first more because you know him first?

Love comes in different shapes, and our heart is just that big that we can love many people at the same time (different way but same magnitude).
It is an amazing idea to keep that special relationship (husband&wife) but it doesn't necesary have to be the way it was before.

Things change, people change. Our goals change, our likes change our priorities change, and relations ships are the same, they change as the grow too.
You didn't make coffee to your husband when you first met, and you still got in love, your boyfriend&girlfriend relation ship change when married and so your needs and now you are a mom and he is a dad besides husband a wife, things change and change can be good, should be good.

Enjoy if stage of your life, so what if you can't go to the movies at night? Of curse will be great and you (when I say you I mean you as a couple) have to make it happen. But that doesn't mean that is the only way to show your love or to enjoy each other.

Don't you would love a massage from your husband? I don't think he would complain, both of you now work the double, pamper him.
So you don't go to the movies this week,oh well. make pop corn, get some candles, rent a movie and cuddle. Extra point: You can actually discuss the movie while you are watching it and nobody will through pop corn at you!

Things never will be back as they did before, but finding time to spend with your husband and energy to go to kinky town will be a lot easer when your kid (or kids) start going to school.
Once that they become teens, you will be lucky if they want to spend the weekend with you and your husband and do boring things like watch a movie. By the time your kids become adults and get married, you will see another change in your married, now with lots of time for your self and your husband. The change must be scary I think but with a whole of new alternatives.

PS: Don't forget to let your husband all this that you are telling us, communications is essential for any good relationship, specially married.
You want him to know that if you miss his coffee it wasn't because you don't love him, you think of him and miss him and can't wait for you to have sometime alone and do the old things you did or new ones.



answers from Phoenix on

Of course life changes with kids, and you will be tired... But soon she will gain more independence and you will have more freedom and it will be easier to do things as a family. You can still have fun as a family, going to the park, traveling, camping and creating new memories and family traditions together. This time when she is little will go by fast. But at the same time, it is important to work on the two of you. Try to put your daughter to bed early enough so that you two have some time to be alone and can unwind. If you can, try to have him watch your daughter once a week so you can go workout and de-stress yourself. A marriage takes work, and even more work when kids are part of the family. Keep up the work!



answers from Phoenix on

P. -
Yes, sadly, having kids does change things. In most ways you could imagine it's for the better, but the relationship between husband and wife can suffer. I've experienced this in my own 20 year relationship with my husband after we had three very late-life kids. What I've found, though, is that it's worth working on. Yes, it does require a lot of planning and preparation to find alone time, but do it anyway. If finances will allow, get away for a weekend. Everything you do is for your daughter, true, but the best gift you can give your child is a Mom & Dad in a lasting, stable, loving, happy marriage.
Bring the honeymoon days back. It's hard, but it's worth the work!
Good luck.



answers from Phoenix on

Most of these women have already said most of what I wanted to say!

The child will come first a lot because she is relying on you to help her and teach her. So the older she gets the easier it gets to make time for you and your husband.

However, the one different thing that I can add is that you need to try to always put your marriage first. The most important thing you can teach your child is what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. My parents didn't have a very good relationship, they didn't communicate with eachother and my husband's parents communicated by yelling at eachother at the tops of their lungs, so when we got together we had no idea how to properly communicate and it was hard to work through, if it wasn't for the fact that we were best friends we probably never would've gotten married because we were a mess. Luckily God blessed me and my husband with the ability to love greatly so we were good in that area, but my youngest brother-in-law has no idea how to love or what the word means. He keeps 'falling in love' with girls just to go out and cheat on them. His parents did not teach him how to love. So if your child sees you and your husband being affectionate and making time to go out on dates and even if you take your daughter to the park, but you and your husband sit and talk or take a walk around the park (while still being able to see your child of course) you are teaching her how thing should be in a loving marriage. And then when she leaves the house you and your husband will still be connected, still know eachother and still be able to make eachother happy. When my brother was born, my parents were all about him. He was in sports all the time and they were so focused on that, that they forgot about eachother and are currently in the middle of a divorce right now. My mom just recently moved into her own apartment and my dad is in the house and it was all kind of nasty. Plus, if you put your child first too often they could become spoiled and think everything revolves around them and when they finally go out on their own they will have a VERY rude awakening.

So like everyone else said, just be patient and for now just find things to do together at home while your daughter is napping or even just entertaining herself in her playpen and try to go out once a week or once every other week if you can. And as she gets older she'll be staying the night at friend's houses and eventually you'll be able to leave her by herself. It may seem like a long time, but when you have kids time starts flying. My daughter is turning 9 tomorrow and I can't even believe it. I doesn't seem like 7 1/2 years ago I was where you are.

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