Life After New Baby

You are just tired and need a helping hand! When I had my second, (i now have 3) my son had just turned 5, and so for 5 years he had his mom and dad all to himself! He would want me to do things for him that he could do like get him dressed, or put on his shoes, just because of the baby. He would tell me, let grandma hold her and lets play a game. I was so thankful I had my mom come out to help me! I had to stop and spend time with him. As tired as you are when you put the baby to sleep, maybe get some things that are easy to do and fun, like that paint by crayola that is mess free only shows up on their paper, or play dough,even if its for 20 min. its along time for them. When I get frustrated at my kids, I see their eyes and I just have to stop, would I want to be talked to like that. Make your son your helper, that his job is to get diapers and make him feel important that he is needed. When I had my 3rd, my girl was 2 and had just been weened for only 3 weeks, now they are 3 1/2 and 18months, they still fight for me, but love to play with each other.It will get easier! I still plan days to spend with my son (now almost 9) alone with out the babies.

Maybe he needs like a mommies day out, there are some preschools that you could do like 2 days a week, I found one in San Marcos, and Lockhart, I didn't end up doing that but, that would help you and him. I live in Lockhart if you are near maybe we could get together sometime and let the kids play. If you need some help email me! I have totally been there!
____@____.com

I just went through the same thing. My new baby is 3 months now, and it is getting easier, but I feel frustrated quite often still. I think to mystelf, "Hey, I didn't want to be this grumpy mom!" What really helped us was to plan 3 times per week when it was special time for my oldest and myself. My husband or mom watches the new baby for a couple hours, and my oldest and I go to the park, to lunch, on a long leisurely walk. Whatever you do, make sure that there is plenty of relaxed one-on-one time and that he feels special. It really helped us reconnect and made us both feel a lot better. Also, I have had to force myself to get less done, and just focus on the kids. I found that I was getting really frusterated when I was trying to do too much, nurse the baby, wash dishes and my oldest was hanging on me, for example. Now in the mornings, I will spend a long time on the floor of my oldest's room, playing with her while I nurse or the baby lies on the floor near us. Giving myself more relaxed time and not trying to hurry really helps. Sometimes my husband gets home to a disater of a house, but at least I don't feell bad about the way I treated the kids that day... Another thing that has helped me is to walk away. If I feel like I in a power struggle and am about to get really mad, I will leave my daughter in her room ande say, "I will be back to talk to you when we have both calmed down." I give myself a minute or two to breathe before I go back in, and then I try to move on without entering the power struggle again. Try to be easy on yourself. What you are doing is hard work! Instead of feeling guilty at night about what you did that day, think of ways to make the next one better. Good luck!

Sounds like you need some time for you and figure out how to care for two children. My advice:
1. Take care of you first. Sounds hard but try to figure out ways to put you first with physical and mental ways to get your day going and which will enable you to focus on your children the rest of the day. We all know If mom isn't happy and feeling good then no one is.
2. Find ways to get your 3.5 yr old involved with you and the baby. Coordinate an eating, playing, napping time all together. Remember you have a priority to both your children not just one. There were times I had my 3.5 yr old take two naps if I needed to with me and the baby. Your son is learning how to handle having a sibling likeyou are learning to deal with two children.
3. Your 3.5 yr old needs quality alone time too with you. While the baby takes a nap read to your son, play games with him. Ask him what he wants to do during that time. You may not feel like it, but that is when you need to find your super mom powers and get the energy to just do it. You will show him you love him and he is still important to you. If you can, have your husband take over baby duty and give your son some additional quality time.
4. Take care of you... Find time to eat well and take a break. Yes it's possible. Put the baby in a play pen, let your son know you are taking mommy time and give your son coloring project in a closed off safe area and take a 20 minute break. Take a nap nearby, read, just relax because that 20 mins. will give you the energy to keep going through the day.
5. Ask for help. Nothing wrong with getting help from family and friends when possible. If you still feel stressed or lacking patience talk to your ob/gyn or doctor. Good luck an God bless.

I went throught this EXACT same thing when my second was born as well, I felt like I was furious all the time with my first. Also they are feeling completely rejected with the new baby and are testing that in every obnoxious way possible. And you're completely overwhelmed with the new emotional and physical workload or at least I was. So I wrote in to mamasource and got some awesome advice. A few very smart people told me to spend one on one special time with my oldest for 10-15min at a time about 3 or 4 times a day. Totally listening and interacting, making sure my child felt like she was my world. Wow, it's like a miracle. On the flip side, the more angry I got, the worse she got. Try it and you'll love the results. Call it something special too so he has the security of knowing that it's coming, and that it's all about him. Blessings! I know what a difficult transition it is, and it's so h*** o* baby number 1 to be replaced!

i know it is definitly harder with 2, cuz i have three!!

just take a deep breath before you start to yell, and try to include your 3.5 yo with the baby. (Can you help mommy, and get a diaper for the baby?? What a big boy you are!!)hug him give him lots of kisses and let him know he is loved. You can juggle two children at once, it just takes some getting used to!! don't worry, that loving feeling will come back.

What you feel is normal but since we're the adults, we have to hide that we feel that way. I think it is part biology because nature wants you to bond and take care of the new one. But it's also because toddlers are so trying in different ways and don't understand that babies need things while there are many things toddlers can do for themselves but don't. I also resented it that I spent 80% of my energies on my toddler and less on the new one when the toddler got 100% after he was born. I agree with a lot of the other advice. First, it does get better with time and you and your toddler will adjust to the changes. Second, you need someone to help while you spend one on one time with your baby and one on one time with your toddler. My husband did this for me. Toddlers need a lot of exercise yet babies are usually happy just sitting at home. I always try to go to the park, go hiking, play in the backyard for a few hours a day. It helped release his energies and naptime and other daily struggles were much less.

Hi S.,

I would see if you could find a family member to come over and spend sometime with your infant so you can have some 1 on 1 time with your older child. Try to include your older child in everything you do with your infant. I am sure it will get better once your infant is older and more independent.

I have found that it's so important to start and end the day with a few fun and loving moments with each of your children. They know that special time is just for them and no one else.
I know you're tired trying to keep up with 2 little ones but if you could gently remind yourself that your child didn't choose for you to have two little ones under 5 and even if you didn't either, it shouldn't be taken out on him but perhaps his daddy? ;)
At any rate, count to 10 before you start in on your son. During that brief pause, pray for patience and tolerance. If you still feel that you must yell at your son, don't forget to come back later and sit him down and give him a hug, tell him you're sorry for yelling and that you love him and that everyone of God's children are a work in progress, including mommies. Hopefully, he'll comes to realize that and might even surprise you by wanting to help you around the house.
Hope this helps,
Jen

Well I am about to have my second in January so I am totally digging all these great responses. Of course you are ahead of me in the game but I already feel that my patience is so much shorter now in my third trimester with my two year old and I feel like such a mean mommy sometimes! But I do think that your new baby will be just fine even thought there is no way to give her as much one on one time as you were able to with your first. I was the baby and my older sister was disabled with many health problems. I never felt slighted and adored my sister so much because when I came on the scene she was there and of course she always required a bit more of my mother's time. So I think handling the needs of your new baby is of course a huge task but I really agree with the other mommies about getting some help and having some one on one with your toddler because he is the one that is actually craving that so much right now. Hang in there, I am probably going to be right there with you in a few months!!

I was the EXACT same way after my second child. And it turns out I had very bad PPD. I dont know if you have considered this at all but it is a possiblility. Most people think PPD is just depression and crying but it can also be severe irratiblity and anger and thats what mine turned into. Just an idea to talk to your doctor about if you think it might be possible.My son was a year younger than yours when his sister was born but I did the same thing. I wanted him to just go away and play quietly somewhere else and I was snapping at him nonstop. If you need to talk at all about this without judgement I try to help as much as I can to women with this problem. My email is ____@____.com Please feel free to email me.

Updated

I was the EXACT same way after my second child. And it turns out I had very bad PPD. I dont know if you have considered this at all but it is a possiblility. Most people think PPD is just depression and crying but it can also be severe irratiblity and anger and thats what mine turned into. Just an idea to talk to your doctor about if you think it might be possible.My son was a year younger than yours when his sister was born but I did the same thing. I wanted him to just go away and play quietly somewhere else and I was snapping at him nonstop. If you need to talk at all about this without judgement I try to help as much as I can to women with this problem. My email is ____@____.com Please feel free to email me.

First, do you have any family or friends that can help you while you rest? It is imperative you get your sleep. When I don't get the proper amount of rest, I am more short-tempered. In fact, I grow horns and a tail. Hire a babysitter if you don't have anyone near that can help you. (If you don't have a babysitter that can help you during the daytime, I can refer you to someone).

Schedule some mommy and me time with your son. Jealousy starts around 3. My daughter was extremely jealous of her new sister even after lots of preparation. Try to involve your son in small tasks as much as possible (getting the diapers, getting the blanket). Get your son a special lovey such a teddy bear from build a bear.

Try to go to bed as early as possible (8:30 or 9:00 is not too early). Things will get easier in a few months. Give your little guy lots of extra hugs, a few more stories and arrange some special outings with dad to places like the car wash, the hardware store, and to the park.

You son is old enough that he chould help you out with the new baby. You need to keep him task oriented. My oldest son was 3 when his baby brother was born. His first house hold duty was to throw away diapers. They love having a sense of responsibility. Your 3.5 year old can get clean diapers for you or even get the wet wipes. Also your older child could teach the baby "tummy time". This is such a great bonding opportunity for your children. You just need to get your son involved and be a mommy's helper. I feel that him helping you will make you, and your son as well, feel much better about this situation.

Hi S.,

I know it's tough with a new baby and another little one that requires so much of your attention. I had the same thing happen when my two we little. I finally put my 3 year old in a mothers day out program for 2 days a week. It really did help.

Give yourself a break......

Good luck,
DH

S., what does your 3.5 yr old like to do? Fix a basket with a few of their favorite things in it and let them play as you need to do your things. Invite them to "Help" with some "special" jobs for a big boy. At nap, or quiet time, ask him to read to you and give him his favorite little book or toy, create storytime , and softly dim lights and soft music possibly. It sets the atmosphere for settling down. I like to say, "Ok, this is baby's time." Ok,now it is (your child's name) time." Even "Ok, now it is MOMMY's time". Then find someone to sit with them for an hr even if it is a friend , sister, parent, and you go to a quiet place for you. THis will settle you, relax you, let you breathe and be able to come back a better mommy. Jealousy would be normal for your child. So including them in your much demanding care of the baby is important, too. Bonding can happen here. Also, engage talk with him about any and everything. "Do you have to put gasoline in your truck? Can you make like a stick tree with limbs and branches? Then make one with him with your own body. Pretend you are leaves falling off the tree. Get into his creative world.