Letting Go... Dealing with Giving Your Child Independence

Updated on June 13, 2016
S.N. asks from Santa Barbara, CA
12 answers

Hey all!
So for anyone that has ever read my other questions might know that I have a 14 year old son. He has had some issues with friends in the past (see my first question for more info on that) and things there have worked on pretty well all and all.
Well one of his friends from the group of boys he hangs with reach out to him at the beginning of the week and asked him if they could meet up at the pool to hang out and have fun. Dad and I greed to this. Our son in a very strong swimmer, he is taking advance swimming lessons in the morning and because of this we have got to know the life guards at the pool really well. So I am comfortable that he is safe and in good hands.
But now that it is time to let him go to the pool with his friend I find myself having some nervous feelings about it. The kid he is going with is a good kid and like I said I feel he will be safe there.
I think my feelings are more along the line of letting go and letting him have independence. Our son is my first born child so I haven't had to go through this before. I guess I was silly enough to think letting go would get easier as he got older but now that it's here I am pretty sure I did not prepare my self for this like I should have.
So my question is this... How did you handle giving your child independence? What are this kinds of things you wanted to make sure your kids knew before letting them take the first steps out into the world on their own?
Thanks for your time as always!!
P.S. as a side note and something I thought I should add he and his friend will be at the pool for only an hour and a half alone. After that my husband will be off work and taking our daughter to the same pool. We want him to have fun and start stepping out on his own but we aren't ready to turn him out on his own for a long time just yet.

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So What Happened?

Thank you all that answered me. When I say thank you for your time I truly mean it!

After reading some so the comments and going back to read what I wrote I think I could have done a better job wording things. I was always going to let him go to the pool with his friend. The Issue I was having letting go was my own. He is a pretty good kid, makes good grades and has over the years not ever given us much reason to not trust him. I was having Mommy feeling about him going out into the world. It was a hard thing for me to let go but I also know that he was some place I felt safe with him being. He is getting older and I need to respect that and adjust accordingly. It was just hard for me in the moment to let go a little. Something I think is pretty normal. I was looking for support but I did not communicate that clearly and that is 100% my fault.

I got a bit of a chuckle (not in a mean way) that I had one Mom tell me that I should have let go much before this and another Mom tell me that I should go to the pool with him. I think that it a matter of what a person feels is best for their child/family.

Anyway, I took said child to the pool after taking the wise advice I had got from Osohapi and we talked about what was expected of him, how to handle him self and what the consequences would be should there be any trouble on his part. I feel the need to say that I did not expect any trouble from him but just wanted to make all that clear. About an hour of him being there he texted me asking me to come get him. I went to get him and asked what happened. His friend stood him up *sigh* and even though there was other kids there he knew some of them were doing things that made him uncomfortable. Playing to rough and some older kids making out...things like that. He took everything pretty well and made the right choices. He is now back at the pool with his father and sister and from the text messages I have got is having a pretty good time.

I want to thank Osohapi and Mynewnickname for your sport and understanding. Elena B. I really like the safety code thing and we will be coming up with one. You also had a lot of other great advice as well. Gidget makes a great point about his age. We do let him babysit his sister for short bits of time so yeah...at the pool should have been no big thing. Both B and Julie S. gave me different thing to think about too. SO thank you all!!

If anyone else still want to weigh in on this I am always open to hearing what others think!

Edit: I was asked a few questions and I am not sure that anyone comes back to see if their questions was answered but thought I would answer them anyway.
My husband and I both come from close knit families and yes I would say that we have one our selves. My folks thought me independence, however I really don't remember doing very much on my own until I was 16 and could drive. Not saying it didn't happen just that I don't remember anything big.
I thank that its great that so many of you drop your kids off at the local pool at different ages and that you have the confidence in you kids to do the right thing. I think that it is important to remember that different pools and towns have different ages for these kinds of things. So everyone has different experience.
No I do not follow my son around all day every day to make sure that he is not doing drugs or having sex. Yes he has independence. He walks himself to and from school, is left home alone from time to time, if his grades are good and he doesn't have a lot of homework he will go to the local pizza place with some friends after school, he will walk or ride his bike to the store to get things for me and he has started volunteering at an animal rescue not far from our house and he gets himself to and from that.
I did not say this in my first post or my first SWHN because I get tired of saying this however maybe I should have. We are a military family. My husband was gone for a year and when he came home we moved to a new state. We have been here for less than a year and since he came home we have lived in 4 different "homes" before we got settled in our new place.
Our old base did not have a pool and the pool in town did not allow anyone under the age of 16 to be there alone. Were we live now we are close to 2 pool. The one he went to the other day he can be there alone at and the other you can't be alone until you are 15.
Also I don't think that him being uncomfortable around kids that were making out is a bad thing. I think that he just isn't at that same level. People mature at different stages and I don't see anything wrong with that. So I guess we will have to call that a difference of parenting there between us :)
Thanks again to all that answer my question.

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G.♣.

answers from Springfield on

Most kids are ready to babysit when they are 12 years old. Seems like he should be more than ready to handle this responsibility at 14.

4 moms found this helpful

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E.B.

answers from Honolulu on

It's normal to feel anxious the first time your child is apart from you, regardless of age. Just tell yourself that you're feeling what mothers from the beginning of time have felt. But those feelings shouldn't overwhelm you or prevent your child from spreading his wings.

Things to talk about with your son:

1. There will be no questions asked if he needs to call you and request a ride home because someone is drinking, fighting, threatening to drive erratically, overcrowding a car, using drugs, etc. You'll come get him anywhere, anytime.

2. Make sure he has an inexpensive regular cell phone (not the latest iPhone). No wi-fi, internet access. Just the ability to make calls.

3. Teach him about how kids earn freedom and privileges: by keeping their word and demonstrating responsibility and accountability. You tell him to be back at 5:00 pm, he's back at 5:00 pm. He tells you he's going somewhere and that's where he is. He is careful with his possessions, and his school performance is done to the best of his abilities.

4. Establish a safety code. My son was instructed to call me in case of emergency and tell me a fake phone message. Our code was, he would tell his friends that he had forgotten to give me a phone message and that I would "freak out". He'd call and say "mom, don't freak out at me but I forgot to tell you Uncle Eddie called this afternoon". There is no Uncle Eddie. I would ask him yes or no questions, so he could save face in front of his friends. I'd ask "is someone drinking? are the friends you're with planning something you know is irresponsible or dangerous?" etc. If he needed an out, I'd ground him and come get him. I took the heat for being "the bad guy". It only happened once - he was at the movies and afterwards, two groups of guys were getting into a fight, things were getting heated, and the guy who gave my son a ride was threatening to run the other guy down.

5. Be clear and concise and consistent in your rules. Establish a curfew, or your expectations (if he goes to the pool, he doesn't just take off afterwards and go to the mall, for example, without asking you first or informing you). Some parents just say "come home after the sleepover" but the kid assumes that the sleepover includes everyone going out to the movies or to the mall the next day. The parent meant "be home by noon" but wasn't clear. A lot of problems can be avoided by making your expectations plain. And be sure to ask your son what is planned when he goes out, and respect his word. Don't jump the gun and say no when a yes would have made sense but you didn't listen to his point of view or his explanation or request.

6. Make sure that he understands where the dangers lie. The captain of the football team, or the most popular guy in school, or the cheerleader, or some kid who appears wealthy and polished may offer him pills to increase performance in sports, or mental acuity, or the ability to focus better in school. It's easy to assume that such an accomplished individual must know what he or she is doing, and it will be tempting. Or your son will be lured by what seems to be the popular clique into a party, into drinking, into shoplifting. Teach him that those actions can have lifelong consequences, and make sure he's got a solid foundation so that he won't give in to those dangers. And teach him about the real dangers of Instagram, SnapChat, YikYak, and all the other social media sites.

Communicate with him, stay open, stay calm!

10 moms found this helpful

J.S.

answers from St. Louis on

Wow, you should have been preparing him all along. By the time my kids were 14 this was a non issue.

I wish I could help but I don't know how to go back in time for you and this should have started years ago.

A couple weeks ago I let my just 15 year old take a train home from her cousin's house that is 4 hours away. It was a little stressful, and Amtrak sucks, but that is the level of letting go that is normal ish at that age, not going to a pool with a friend.

7 moms found this helpful

O.H.

answers from Phoenix on

I didn't read what your prior issues were so I'll just share my thoughts. My kids are 16 and 13. My 16 yo has broken our trust. I told her after that it was hard to trust her again and it would take some time.

I think you just have to keep reminding them that you are trusting them to do the right thing...all the time...when they are not with you. And if you find out they didn't do the right thing, there will be consequences AND you may not allow them out on their own again until you can start to trust them again. I think it's an ongoing battle and I hate it! LOL I want to believe I have good kids, but they hang around other kids I don't always know as well or trust either. I guess it's just part of life and growing up...for all of us. We are not perfect parents either.

So just keep talking to him and letting him to go some things like the pool where it's relatively safe. I also keep telling my 16 yo that if I can't trust her to just hang with her friends and be good there is NO WAY I'm going to trust her with a car and driving on her own. (She currently has her lerners permit.)

And a funny side note about "stranger danger" which I have been telling the kids about since they were very small. My 16 yo drove us to the store the other day. She pulled into a spot to park and said something along the line of, "don't worry mom, that "killer van" isn't close enough for them to get us." LOLOLOL You know, the vans with no windows with the slider where they park next to you and when you come out with your groceries they throw open the sliding door and throw you in??!!! Well, I mentioned to her a long time ago to never park or walk by vans like that because they are easy to kidnap you. Clearly she remembered this.

So my point is to keep reminding your kids of what you expect of them and hopefully they will remember when the time comes. And if they don't, which sometimes they won't, then there will be STIFF consequences for the wrong choices they make. And make sure you follow through with that.

They are not perfect kids and we are not perfect parents and we are all just trying our best along the way. Good luck mama, we are all going through it with you!!!

6 moms found this helpful

W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

My boys (now ages 16 and soon to be 14) have been going to our pool by themselves for about 4 years now. Once they pass the swim test at the beginning of the season? They can go alone. I do NOT see the life guards as baby sitters - that's NOT their job.

We can walk to the pool - we are literally six houses and a street crossing from the pool. We also have another pool less than a quarter of a mile away.

My kids have been going outside to play on their own for about 8 years....they were to stay in our cul de sac and my window was open.

I guess I've been giving my kids independence long before you have. My kids stay home alone too. What else haven't you allowed him to do? You realize he's a teenager and NEEDS to be able to make decisions on his own, right? Why have you waited so long to do this? Have their been problems in the past?

5 moms found this helpful
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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Well, 2 separate things.
1) He'll be fine at the pool. The pool I belong to allows kids to start coming without a parent at age 11, and many kids do. Your child is 14, a good swimmer, and there are lifeguards. It's ok.

2) It's totally ok to be nervous. It's not ok to let fear run your and your son's lives. My kids are younger than yours, and I've started letting them move towards independence in some areas (setting up his own social life, walking to friends' houses alone, etc). Does it make me nervous? Yes. But I refuse to give in to irrational media-driven fear. To me, the solution is not to tell him that he can't do things. The solution is to make sure he knows how to handle difficult situations - emergencies and strangers, but also peer pressure, etc. It's using things we hear on the radio in the car when we are together to have conversations about kids things do and the consequences of their actions. My older is not a talker, and so I have to bring up the topics to him. Sometimes it's awkward, but I do it anyway because I believe these conversations are important.

4 moms found this helpful

C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

Where we live kids 9 and up walk to the neighborhood pool with their friends. The parents don't need to go with them unless they want to. My son who is 12 walks or rides his bike to the pool all the time...he sets it up to meet a friend there. He also walks to the tennis court to meet a friend to play together. I also let him just play out in the neighborhood with other kids...I encourage that in fact. Around here kids 12 and up are babysitting and doing pet sitting jobs. The way to learn to let go is to just start letting your child do things without you. Start small and work up. Of course talk to your son about appropriate behavior and calling you if he ever feels uncomfortable. I think my brain must work very differently than yours because I have a hard time imagining a parent being worried about a 14 year old going to the pool with a friend! Maybe I live in a safer area than you do or maybe I just believe in letting kids have more freedom...or maybe you have a different worldview and see the world as an unsafe place? Good luck...and remember it's a good thing to teach your child independence!

3 moms found this helpful

S.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

I think 14 is a little old to be having this conversation. Where I live the "youth swim" is for kids 9-18 only, no adults allowed. So at 9 we started leaving the kids at the pool. We took independence one step at a time. Our kids took a "safe walk" class before they started walking to school and the playground alone when they were 8 or 9. They took a "home alone" class before we started leaving them at home alone when they were 10. We started leaving them home alone for an hour or two at a time before going longer periods. They take the "babysitting" class when they are 12 before they start babysitting. We always made sure they knew about safety, the buddy system, personal space, never to go anywhere with a stranger, where to go for help etc. Never teach "stranger danger". That just makes kids fearful, not competent and confident. I was confident that my kids would behave appropriately in public, and I would often check up on them to make sure (ask the lifeguard if he was behaving). I wonder, did you have overprotective parents? Did you not experience freedom and independence?

ETA: B, I don't think a lifeguard makes a good babysitter either, but I certainly hope a 14 year old doesn't require a babysitter. If he does then I haven't done my job as a parent.

3 moms found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

We have several neighborhood swim clubs and most kids start getting dropped off around 8 or 9. The do swim team/lessons and/or tennis and order lunch at the snack bar. The lifeguards are great and yell at them constantly when they run or get too rowdy (poor lifeguards, I feel sorry for them, not a fun job.) I often left my kids for two to three hours at a time.
Re your SWH about "making out" well yes this is the kind of thing that happens at that age. I myself had my first kisses with a boy at the skating rink when I was in 7th grade, back in oh, about 1979.
Possibly this is why your son is struggling socially, per a previous question, because he's not able to participate in fairly normal age appropriate activities? I can't imagine needing to hang out with my kids 24/7 at the age of 14, I mean he could easily be having sex or doing drugs in the bathroom at school, do you follow him around all day to make sure he's not doing that? Sorry to be snarky but give the poor kid a break and have some confidence that you've raised him well. Honestly it would be mortifying for him at that age to have his mommy watching him at the pool!

2 moms found this helpful
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M.G.

answers from Portland on

I like the "Don't freak mom, Uncle Freddie called.." suggestion. That's really good.

Our rule is that we either pick up the friend or we wait until friend shows up before leaving. The buddy system works so long as buddy shows.

We have a mom who takes our kids that age to the pool - a group of boys. She stayed the first few times and then she'd leave to go do errands. So there's nothing wrong with observing a few times till you're ok.

2 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

I've never been one to think a life guard makes a good baby sitter.
They have WAY TOO MANY people to look after and accidents sometimes happen - even to older kids - heck, even to adults.
I know he's 14 but I'd go with him and his friend and then sit on the sidelines and read a book while they have fun and I could keep an eye on them.
Maybe they would be fine but I've seen teens get out of hand and there should be a parent there to tell them to shape up and watch their manners.

2 moms found this helpful
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S.W.

answers from Amarillo on

Reading your SWH, I understand some of your reasoning.

My children are what they call "military brats". They have lived half way around the world in their life time. There were groups that the became involved with and some friends that were their neighbors that they hung out with. Most of the base housing that they lived in was a closed area. So kids ran around the area and then walked a good mile to the main base for movies and bowling. They did live in Europe and they had to adjust to the norms of the locals which were more advanced than what they had experienced prior. Of course at 13 or 15, they could not go to the local teen club and hangout. There were rules put into place and they were followed. Yes, my son and a group spent the night in a local park and had a few beers but no one bothered them and the local police kept an eye on them. They came home the next morning.

You say you have lived in four different locations before coming to this one, your son should have an idea of military life by now with kids coming and going and friends doing the same and being able to keep in touch with them by Skype. The TDYs and the PCS are rough and it sounds like your son is still adjusting to the new location with more civilian kids than military kids to be with. It does sound like your son had more fun with his dad and sister later at the pool than by himself.

Each child matures at their own rate. Yes it is nice to be a bit sheltered or close knit as you put it but it does not always give the child a chance to experience small things in life on their own. But you have to let them start walking so that when they become 18 they have an idea of what to do on their own.

In my youth, I recall taking buses from my hometown to a large city to visit relatives by myself. Also using the buses in the inner city to go from downtown to the suburbs by myself.

I hope that the moms on here were not too harsh. We are trying our best to prepare our children to take their rightful place in society and to be able to handle the day to day of life.

the other S.

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