Since my oldest son started Kindergarten 9 years ago on the last day of summer vacation, which will be tomorrow, I've taken the day off from work and have done something with the kids. When my younger boys were small, I would either bring them along or not (would have them go to daycare as usual) depending on the outing. Once they were out of daycare, it became their day too and we've done things that appeal to all three boys (8 year age difference0. My oldest son brought along a friend in grades 6 & 7. Last year was an expensive outing and I didn't have them invite any friends along because we had to run errands after. My SD lived with her mom most years and was on a different school schedule so she didn't join us before, chose not to go last year and this year is away with a friend. So that's the background.
This year because money is tight we are planning a beach trip. My oldest son is starting high school and initially made plans with his friends to go golfing. Our compromise was that he could go golfing later in the day and that he would join us at the beach. I said that he could invite up to 3 friends to join us. This way, he and his friends can hang out, while still being somewhat with family, I can spend time with my little boys, and I don't have to worry about where my oldest son is. The alternatives were to make him come without friends and deal with surly teenage attitude or leave him home and not know 100% where he was while we were out all day. Additionally, I had already arranged for one friend to join us as his parents are traveling that day.
Now my husband, who has never participated in this day at all, has an opinion that I have "ruined" the day for the little boys by allowing the older friends to come, that it's "not fair" that they don't get to bring friends too, that it's no longer a "family day" etc. My little boys see friends literally 2-4 days a week. Bringing young kids to a beach is a nightmare, and when they're in middle school and high school, they'll be able to bring friends because the older kids will be adults and not joining us. None of the kids are complaining but my husband has made several negative comments tonight. Before I ignore him or tell him to shove it, I figured I'd see if anyone else can understand his point of view.
Thanks everyone - he's still complaining (seriously it's been 4 hours...let it go!) but now the complaints are getting broader and more random. I think he's just in a bad mood and picked this as the complaint of the day. Anyway...the little guys don't care that the friends are coming and they actually like them because these friends are pretty cool to them. When it's just the three boys together, my middle son gets very competitive and antagonistic (he suddenly takes on "middle child" behavior) and the whole day can get pretty trying pretty quickly. When all four kids are together the youngers and olders pair off and there is relative harmony. Same thing when older friends are around - I can spend time with the little boys while the olders occupy themselves and help out with carrying things, etc. All in all I know that the arrangement works for the people who are actually going (me and the kids - my husband doesn't come with us - he's welcome to but never does) so I guess he can continue to froth at the mouth over this but I'm not going to let it bother me. Thanks again for your responses!
I would have laughed in his face and suggested he take the day off instead of me, and take the kids on his own outing on his own terms if he doesn't like the way I'm doing it. Sounds like something else is bothering him and he's just picking a fight with you.
Nah, he's wrong, the arrangement is perfect, ignore him or tell him to shove it. :)
At a certain age, most teens aren't that much fun without their friends, so I think you made the right decision. And the little ones will like the older kids.
Oh, heck no. This is YOU doing all of this every year. He wants to be an armchair quarterback and make you feel bad? No, no, no. He is not involved, by choice, so he has no say in how you organize it. Nothing about your plan is unfair to the kids. Soooo, if it were me, I'd tell him to shove it, lol!
Is your husband coming along on the beach trip, to help out? NO. Are the little boys complaining about not being able to bring friends? NO. I also vote to tell your husband to shove it.
I don't really understand your husband, but I will tell you this. I used to think how great it was to invite the extra kids, but truthfully now that my children are older, I think I should have said that is tough and this is our 'family' outing. And if they pout so what. There are family traditions and then there are other occasions. I myself believe I destroyed the possibility of ,more family traditions because I was trying to be so open. My son has moved far away and holds little value to 'family' traditions - try as I might quite possibly because I thought how wonderful I was letting him bring his friends and seriously it lost it's family tradioness so to speak.
I agree, if your husband wants to go with you and help you watch the little boys and all of their friends, then sure.
If not, he shouldnt be concerned, plus its not exactly safe anyways.
As much as I understand your reasons which are good reasons-- I have to say that family is what this tradition is about and you may want to rethink this and explain to your oldest that this is about family and tradition and he may not get it now but he will when he's older.
This is a great tradition!
we plan to go to the lake if it's not raining.
It would be nice if your husband could join you and the younger ones. I would let your older son just go golfing and then go home. He and his friends probably have no desire to do the beach thing right now. It sounds like your pushing to hard to do what YOU want to do.
I think you and your husband should try to make a compromise.
Unless your husband is planning to be the one supervising the extra little kids, then there is NO WAY I would take extra little kids. Period.
As far as high school kids, (and middle school) they still need supervision at the beach. Not every second and every step, like the little ones, not hand holding them to the public toilet, but you still need to keep a close eye when they are in the water.
There were several teens who drowned at the nearby beaches this year. Even adults get caught in rip currents, etc.
But little ones..... ugh. I didn't even take MY OWN TWO when they were under ages 4 & 7, without another adult along to be added hands and eyes.
I think you have a pretty good idea working, and if your teen son is happy with it, and the little ones seem ok, then why does your husband give a rip? If he expects to know anything about what is going on with your son in the near future, he needs to be open to having your son's friends around.... and yes, even at "family" events. It isn't like this is a wedding for goodness sakes.
your husband is being silly.
khairete
S.
I vote on telling your husband to shove it. He never has to plan these things, he never has to think about the logistics, he never thinks ahead like you have to factor in how it all works. You have good reasoning in your head - and yes, the surly teenager reason is the best.
If your husband doesn't like it, he can stay at home. Maybe that's what he's really angling for - starting a fight so that he gets mad and stays home. That way, you have to do all the work and he gets to sit on his butt and watch TV.
If you WERE to invite little kids, he would probably expect you to run around like a chicken with its head cut off, and not lift a finger to help you.
So don't change your mind. If he doesn't like it, he can stay home.
Dawn
So just to clarify, hubby is only worried about the lil ones?, Not your teen?
Ignore hubby, I could slightly give him some room to argue that it really isn't a family outing when you invite friends, maybe one friend, but not 3 BUT I think you have a great compromise to keep DS happy ( he does get to spend the last day with his friends) and you get to keep your tradition.
Ignore hubby.
Do the younger boys look up to their brother, do they value every moment he spends with them? I ask because I have a nine year gap between my middle kids, they are full brothers and sisters by the way. Even though the younger kids won't admit it they hate when they have to share their older sibs attention.
Thing is when kids hit high school they aren't around as much. Hard on parents but can you imagine what it is like for the kids who don't have the ability to rationalize they are growing up, this is a good thing.
So that may be what your husband is thinking. Pretty much the boys won't have their brother to play with cause he will be off goofing with his friends.
I would tell him to shove it, or ignore him.
Your Husband, has NEVER been a part of this. Only you have, for the past NINE years. And your kids, seem fine with it and whatever combinations of kids you have there or not.
Your Husband, COULD take the day off too.
He doesn't.
Or can't.
Or will not.
He can't rule any rules, unless he is a part of this.
Or maybe he feels, that since the eldest son is inviting friends, that therefore.... he is not going to be playing or spending time, with his younger siblings, at all. (as is typical with teens if their friends are around instead). Therefore, it is not, a "family" outing, to your Husband's view of it. Thus, MAYBE.... that is what your Husband is feeling... but is not articulate enough to explain that. Maybe he simply feels, your younger children will not be getting any play time or time at all, with their elder sibling, by themselves. Because his teen friends will be there.
I dunno, that is the only stretch, that I could fathom... per what your Husband may, mean.
Maybe to your Husband, it is either a F.A.M.I.L.Y. day (meaning only family)... or it is just a play-date outing... at the beach. So... maybe to your Husband... WHY IS this, a last-day-of-summer-family-outing-with-your-boys.... if, so many other friends are coming, too? To your Husband, this is probably just a play date at the beach. And it is a mutation... of that "traditional" end-of-summer, tradition, of spending that special last day of summer, with your children. Only.
So to Husband, if you allow one son to invite friends, you should also do the same for ALL your kids and allow them to invite friends. Or do not allow friends at all, and ONLY have that outing with your children. Since that is how the end-of-summer-last-day-of-summer "tradition" initially.... started.
Then, the other problem is: Your son, KNOWING that for the past NINE years, that the last day of summer is ALWAYS spent... with Mom and his siblings, per the tradition you all have. And you even take off of work for it. So, your son, should have known, NOT to make other plans for that SAME day. But he did. He should have asked you FIRST... before confirming his golfing plans, IF he can even go. Before he told his friends, he can. So he.... 'screwed up' the family's last-day-of-summer-outing-plans-tradition... by, telling his friends he would go golfing with them.
Ask him if he is volunteering to help you watch extra young kids because the teenagers will not need your supervision and can also help you if/when needed. Also tell him that when your little ones are a bit older, they too can bring friends but not yet. Tell him the kids are fine with it.
I would explain to him that the older boys can swim better, so you won't have babysit them when they swim. The younger kids require more hand holding so they don't drown. And to add more kids to that mix, without more help, would be awful because you'd fear for the other children's lives, and your own children's lives...
And he doesn't want to put children's lives at risk does he? ;)
If he balks, or gets pissy and keeps making negative comments, I'd ask him why he isn't coming if it's such an important family day? Or why isn't he coming to help with all the extra kids he wants to invite?
Good luck mama and have fun!
I also kind of feel like the day is a bummer now for the little kids-but not because they aren't able to bring friends. I agree with you that they are too young for that. It sounds like this day is supposed to be about enjoying the last day of summer with your boys. With 3 extra high school kids along I don't see that really happening. Your younger kids should have your full attention-not half of you while you work to entertain/cater to or just worry about 4 teenagers. And the tone set by teenagers can easily wreck a day. I think you should have left your son at home. Honestly I find it hard to believe that he can never be home alone as a teen. At the very most I would have had only his one friend whose parents are working.
I would give your teen a serious lecture about behavior on this day trip. How you expect him to be pleasant to you and his brothers at all times. And that if his friends are acting up he will immediatley ask them to knock it off.
sounds like maybe he is feeling a little bitter and left out and is being a debbie downer. if it's your day you can plan it. if he wants to plan a day next year (maybe the "first" day of summer vacation can be his) then HE can make the rules.
I think you have to do things differently with teenagers. They can get surly or bored, and yet you don't want to break the tradition. In a few years, your teen will look back and be glad he did this.
I think your husband is clinging to the tradition without realizing that the tradition would change anyway - either the teen wouldn't come (and there would be a fight before you relented and let him stay home) or your teen would go and be nasty the whole time. Either way, the family day gets ruined. The way you're planning it, everyone goes to the beach and has fun. Maybe the teens will sit with you all during lunch, and maybe the other teens will hang out a little or play with the younger kids, digging a sand castle or something similar.
I think you've done a great job finding an activity that everyone else can enjoy and I think your husband has to face the new reality of having a teen. It's only going to get worse as your teen gets older and wants more independence - family dinners, holidays, vacations etc. all become more problematic just because of attitude and the normal, understandable and desirable development of a teen towards more freedom. And when teens get summer jobs, that puts a real kink in summer activities/vacations. I think your husband has a point but I also think he has his head in the sand. (Beach pun intended!)
