Leeching Friend

I certainly understand the desire to keep the friends you have - I make so few myself that I hate to see any friendship fail. But my children's safety, both from physical threats and poor influences, comes first. I would be very honest, being careful to speak the truth in love, and let the chips fall where they may. If she's a friend worth keeping, she'll be understanding of your position and respectful of your children. And it might just be the wake-up call she needs to take action with her own child. (She's not doing him any favors by simply making excuses for him!) If the boy is three already and no one has dared to mention the reality of the situation, she probably doesn't have too much more time before someone does. Better to be told by someone who loves and values her.

All the best to you and to her and to the kiddos on both sides!

~ R.

There's realy no way to tell her. She will get upset or give you another excuse. You need to be firm with her and let her know that your only saying this because you care.Because You love her son and her you feel she needs to hear you out. Since you can see things she may not see. Let her know your concerns about what her son is doing. then let her know that when he starts school teachers want let this behavior happen. So she needs to put him in time out when he's doing wrong. Other wise he want be able to fit in at school. You don't want to see that happen.
I know I have a friend that is the same way. I tell her I'm only telling you from past experience. Because my son is older than hers and then my daughter is older than her youngest son. But she feels like people are putting her down or her kids down. So I finaly learned I had to do what I felt was best for my kids. If that meant they couldn't play then I'm sorry. But I half to do whats best for my kids too. We are still good friends. Her kids know when I'm around with my kids they can't cuss or do certain things or we will leave. Same with my kids they know they half to behave too. That might be what you half to do. If he's not trying to be nice then you leave or ask her to leave. Then maby she'll see what she's doing.
I don't know if this helps. But I hope it will help you.
M.

The thing that kind of works for me is to explain a discipline issue with my own kid, and exactly what I said and how I handled it. You can hope that it sinks in, or at least that she gets the suggestion. Or tell her about another 'friend's kid' and what you would have done. It's human nature to be defensive if someone corrects you directly, but maybe if it's more subtle, she'll take it to heart.

Hi J.,
I've been in this position before. But we are no longer friends. I asked my friend to tell me when her kids are sick before she invites me over, and my son play with her kids, and before she asks me to babysit so that I may have the control of either allowing my son to get exposed to the germs, or keep him home until her girls got better. I tried to say it in the nicest way possible, but she totally took my message out of context and thought I was attacking her. She accused me of keeping my son in a bubble, which is not the case at all. I know he's going to get exposed to germs, but if I can control it, and or prevent it, I will, and I expected her as my best friend, as a mother to understand that. My son's welfare came first. His health comes first. But it didn't matter, she went off on me and she did apologize later on for taking my message out of context and we were going to try and work it out. She said she would call me....it's been two months. So I guess she changed her mind. That's ok though because there are other issues that don't make me feel comfortable, so it's probably best.
I would say something to your friend. You can be as gentle as you can be, but with people like your friend and mine, they will take offense to it and take it as though you are attacking them. But your child comes first and foremost and your values for your child come first. If she doesn't respect how you feel when it comes to your child, then it's best that you don't allow your child to be around hers. She is not teaching her child healthy behavior and is allowing her child to run a muk. It's not a good influence on other children, and it certainly can be a bigger issue later on if you stay friends with her and she not change the way she controls her little one.
I wish you the best. I hope she does respect your feelings. Any true friend would. :-)

When dealing with other peoples' children, I tend to handle it like I would handle troublesome in-laws...very carefully! *grin*

The physical stuff (hair pulling, pushing) can be handled by removing your children and telling your friend that it is "apparent that nap-time is near" and leave it open-ended that way. If asked what you mean, you can just say that YOUR children get grumpy close to THEIR nap time as well, and that it's usually best to just leave kids to their naps. If you do this every time the kid does it, even if it's early in the morning, your friend WILL catch on.

As far as spitting, I'd say to her that her kid must have something bad in his mouth as you're *SURE* that HER child would NEVER do anything like spit at another child, as it spreads germs and the like. Be all "knowing" when you say it as well, but give her the opportunity to handle the problem while saving face.

And for cursing and screaming, I'd handle screaming like the hitting - like he's getting close to his nap, but I'd handle cursing far less tactfully - I'd say to my friend that I'm sorry, but that my children can't be around the cursing, and that I'd appreciate any help she could give me in keeping my children from picking up such crass habits.

HOWEVER, all bets are off if they're at YOUR house - you can tell your friend any excuse (I'd use "another friend" or a "business partner" of my husband's or whatever), but say that as you've had problems with that kid, that you've had to institute a new rule at your house (your husband and you agreed or whatever), and that they either have to leave if they become troublesome, or they have to spend some time in the same type of punishment as YOUR kids would (time out or whatever, but not spanking if you do that, of course). You can also reasonably say to the kid "I'm sorry, but we don't do <fill in the blank> at OUR house".

These are all answers I'd give in-laws, and believe me, I want to keep my in-laws, so I'm not giving you anything unreasonable. Just remember to try to stay as respectful as possible, and if need be, give "examples" of things you've had to do for similar problems - it could be that she's just embarrassed that she's having trouble handling the problem.

I would just be honest with her. Talk to her from your heart and tell her- I know you don't want to hear this but as your friend I need to tell you... even if she gets mad at you- you could save her and her son a lifetime of hardship. If you look at the worst case scenario-- the worst case is that she wont listen and the two of you will stop being friends-- but if you say nothing you will ultimately pull away from her anyways because you wont want to be around her kid. Therefore your only option really is to say something if you want to save the friendship.

Sometimes a good friend must take a tough stance and let her friend know the truth. If she is sensitive about her child, she maybe sensitive because she already knows the truth, but does not know how to handle her. There are may organizations out in the world that assist parents in parenting, providing them with methods and resources to assist them in any type of situation.

I definitely would limit the time you spend with your friend. Not only will this behavior harm your children, it might also teach them the same negative behaviors.

We have had to deal with this several times and we just distance ourselves from our friends or relatives for awhile and hope that it gets better the next time we are together. When we do get together I make sure that I am always in the room supervising and entertaining the children. You can visit with your friend while sitting on the floor where the children are playing. This might help to eliminate some of the problems. I also might try saying something to the child myself. "Please don't hit ______, that hurts her." Or teach your child to use her words and ask the child not to do that. If they are not old enough to talk, simply give the child "the eye." This has also worked with some of our friends. Sometimes they are just looking for attention.

I would also suggest loving this child unconditionally. Give him hugs, love and praise from the beginning of your visit and "show" him how friends are supposed to act. Good luck.

your first priority is your child, then the firendship. and i can tell you that you will probably lose a firend because if she hasnt done something by now, she wont in the future. im sure she knows that her child is misbehaving, who wouldnt? its her choice to make excuses for his behaviour instead of correcting it. i fell sorry for her son. if its at yor house then you need to tell him not her, that that type of behavious is not allowed in your house. if he does it again, aske her to take him ome until he can behave. and leave it at that. it will be her choice on whether or not she wants to or values your firendship enough to make her child behave. there is no nice way to tell her or him that. you just have to be blunt and do it. and leave it up to her. if she is a good friend than she will do whatever it takes to keep bieng your friend and if she doesnt then it wasnt worth your time.

J.,
If I were in your shoes I would have to agree with the other mom. There probably is NO Gentle way to talk to your friend... I would remove my child as soon as the other child started acting up or even tell the child that you don't appreciate how he treats your girls. If your friend can't disipline her child for being abusive to your girls than why would you want your girls to be around him? At least that's how I feel. It kinda sounds to me like this might be a way of wanting attention! Maybe ask her about getting him involved it some kind of activity before you come over or during your visit. So he might not be as compelled to misbehave. Ask her to PLEASE explain to him that the way he treats your girls is NOT OKAY.
I wish you luck with this! I hope I was able to help at least a little!

If she makes an excuse for all things I feel you should keep your children away from hers and just talk on the phone or IM alot to keep your friendship with her. This will keep your kids safe and not picking up bad habit.

I don't know how you can go about actually saying anything to her overtly. If the little demon started acting up around my kids, hitting them or spitting on them, pulling their hair, I would get them out of the room and away from the demon child. Keeping your girls safe HAS to be priority #1. I might even be the one who stepped in and told demon child they are NOT to pull my daughter's hair, etc. if the mother is just going to sit there and make excuses. Yes this will start conflict but otherwise you will be sitting there for years while her kid becomes more physically aggressive toward your kids.
If I were visting, DemonSpawn tantrum time would be the time I made my goodbyes and I'd keep leaving/removing my children from harm's way until the mother learned to teach her child to behave.

It's hard, but you may end up ending the friendship you have with this person over this.

You can try to talk to her and say "I don't like it when DemonSpawn pulls Tiffany's hair" and see what goes from there. More than likely, she'll make excuses.

I wish you luck with this - I know it's particularly tricky to be friends with someone that you think is great, but the parenting styles don't mesh and it ends up being a conflict.

J.,
I had a friend who's 3 sons were the same way. Well they still are but after just dealing with it for so long like you are, I noticed MY kids picking up some bad behavior from them so that's when I had to draw the line. It was hard but I was very blunt. "Either your kids start behaving or our kids can't be together anymore. We don't allow bad behavior of any kind and if your kids aren't going to be required to behave then we can't be together anymore." Believe me that was the hardest thing to say to a good friend but I have since moved on and now I have better friends with better kids. You are the only advocate your kids have and if your friend's son is a danger and a bad influence on them then you have to think about them first and draw a line. Be blunt someimes sugar coating keeps people from actually seen the real problem. DOn't be nasty and use mean words but say, "your son is mean and hurtful and you allow him to get away with too much wrong behavior and I can't deal with that anymore." Cause there really is no excuse for bad parenting. Good luck!

C.

Hi,
I am a teacher for 3 year olds and I know the games they try to play. They are very good at getting their own way, but they need very strong boundaries also. It is a worse offence for your friend to not give her boundaries than to "be firm". Without strong limits, she will be a very lost, frustrated little girl. She is begging for someone to take charge. She may revolt at first, but the end result will be a confident, self motivated, loving child.

A little about me: Mother of 5. Loving husband of many years. Preschool teacher, own a children's video title and new host for a baby show coming in January.

I agress with the others, just keep your distants for now.
She will probably get the message when her kid is constantly in trouble at school. Hopefully before he is in trouble with the law.

I agree with all the other moms. Having friends who don't discipline their children are hard and i have dealt with that too. I got to the point that if they were at my house and were doing something to hurt one of my children, I would go to the child and tell them," I am sorry but we do not alow that here, that is not nice to hit,kick, pull, etc. here." The mother finally realized that maybe I should be doing that at home. The kid has got better but still has some issues. I would bet that if you notice it, that other people that noticed it with her kids too and have said something. If she is a friend, she would probably be upset at first but in time will realize that you are trying to help so that way he/she does not have behaviorial issues in the future. Hope it works out