Lack of Sexual Desire After Kids

Updated on December 09, 2018
B.A. asks from Ann Arbor, MI
8 answers

Did anyone experience a lack of sexual attraction to their spouse/partner after having kids? How did you get it back, if you were able to? I have two kids, ages 1 and7, and my attraction to my husband isn’t there like it used to be.

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C.S.

answers from Washington DC on

Go on weekly, or monthly date nights with the kids babysat. Get the kids out of the house at a YMCA Parents night out, or other option, or just have some time alone at home or at dinner and some event when you can be alone, similar to how things were when dating before marriage or kids. Go shopping or have him buy some thing cute fo you, or suggest what he could get or buy some thing you feel sexy in to show him and play dress up.

Agree with having , "ME," time. If you r not charged up and rested who would want to go downtown. You need time to take care of you and have enough sleep and personal time. Park those kids, and take care of numero uno!

4 moms found this helpful
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M.G.

answers from Portland on

I agree with the ladies below.

I think you'll get better responses if you specify if you're just not feeling it, if you're not feeling attracted to your husband specifically but still feeling sexual, etc.

Everyone goes through phases. That's pretty typical I think.

Every couple goes through phases.

For me personally, when our kids were small and my husband was going through what I thought of as 'boot camp' (just getting through it together), I was heavily into him because we worked side by side, and he was so supportive. That was very attractive to me.

Later on, when we split duties up and I handled stuff at home, and he would chauffeur kids about, and we barely saw each other - harder to feel connected. You have to work at it. Make time to connect - fit it in. For us - that's here and there, coffee dates when we run errands, sometimes watching a movie - catching a movie when there's one we really want to see. Couple time with our friends where we can feel like 'people' again. Helps you see each other as a guy and a gal again and not just a mom and a dad to your kids. Anything you can do that is fun.

It's great with your family, but also together - as a couple.

If it's you (you're just not feeling it), sometimes exercise helps, getting your blood work checked, sleep, making sure you're getting helped, and stress reducers ... etc. Time for your interests and your own fun too.

If hubby is not looking after himself, and you're not attracted to him in the same way (you're not seeing the man . then have him take time for himself too. Moms and dads need their own time so as not to lose themselves. This only helps relationships.

ETA: BirdsFreakMeOut - the Miranda quote ... lol. Remember that, and can relate..
A friend of mine bought a vibrator and gets herself there 'quickly' and that helps. Sometimes the time crunch can be a turn off when we're rushed. I know, hardly romantic but quickies can be fun. Whatever works right? So long as you find something that works .. because resentment from one party can be a real downer and you don't want that.

4 moms found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

this is very, very common.

prior to kids we're often titillated by spontaneity, and the surges of lust that could be sated in all sorts of fun ways.

after kids you need to plan. at first that sounds like a downer, but it's really not. if you're not unpleasantly surprised by being awoken from a desperately need sleep by a prod in your thigh, you're more receptive. a little note in one another's briefcase or a text saying 'grown up time tonight?' gives everyone time to get in the mood.

date nights are sort of cliche but nonetheless they're necessary. you have got to make the effort to connect with each other as lovers, not just as co-parents. cuz parenting ain't sexy.

i have even more good news for you. after menopause, the great libido killer, sexual desire can still resurge!

it takes more work and planning than in the hot panting days of youth, for sure, but hang in there!

:) khairete
S.

4 moms found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Kind of normal, but get yourself a vibrator and it will definitely come back! If not, you may want to talk to your doctor.

4 moms found this helpful
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R.L.

answers from Chicago on

It’s pretty normal to have ebbs and flows in sexual desire, and for it be especially low when children are very young and physically demanding. I’m not sure if you are not feeling attracted to your husband specifically, or lacking sexual desire in general? Either way, I am wondering how much your husband contributes to caring for the home and children. For me, there is nothing sexier than a husband who cooks and cleans. Sharing the home responsibilities has always worked for us. When our kids were little, we also always made sure that we made time for each other every day, to reconnect once the kids were sleeping. We’d talk about our days or the kids, didn’t really matter, just that time cuddling and chatting was important I think.

If everything in the relationship seems good, and you still don’t see your desire return, check with your doctor. Sometimes hormonal stuff can be interfering.

4 moms found this helpful

L.U.

answers from Seattle on

Oh man.
I have three kids. 16, 13, and 8. I work full time as a Program Supervisor for a residential home of teen boys. My phone is always on, I am always on.
I OFTEN feel like I am failing at all of my jobs. As a mother, as a supervisor, as a wife. How do people keep so many balls in the air?
Add sex to that and I just don't know what to tell you! I LOVE my husband. I am attracted to him. But I am T.I.R.E.D.
I fall asleep on the couch all the time at night, I wake myself up snoring. I am out the door before my husband wakes up.
So...here's what I do. Right now, we are only intimate about once every week or 10 days. it's AMAZING when it happens!! It will keep me smiling for days.
We have talked about it a few times, or maybe more than a few, and just have an understanding that there is love and affection...just not a lot of time or energy.
I assume you actually ARE attracted to your husband, but expect that you are tired and it's just more work than you are willing to put into it. Which I totally get. I remember watching Sex in the City (the movie) and there is a part where Miranda is sleeping with her husband and he is trying to make everything last longer and she says, "Can we just get it over with?" And I thought...ooops....sometimes I have thought that!
I am kind of all over the place, but in the end I say....be kind to yourself, be communicative with your husband, make time for yourself...away from your kids and husband.

2 moms found this helpful
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G.♣.

answers from Springfield on

Well, you have a 1 year old. They take so much attention and energy, and some days you are just too tired to think of having sex. If that's part of it, that will get easier (in a year or 2), but in the mean time, maybe hire a sitter once in awhile to give yourself a break or to have a date night.

I think all of us go through phases where it's just not something we desire as much or one spouse wants it more than the other. That's life, and that's normal. If you think what you are experiencing is more than just that, talk to your doctor about it. But first consider the possibility that you are a busy mom who could probably use some extra sleep and maybe some down time.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

It is normal when taking care of small children to have a decrease in sex drive, your body doesn't want to get pregnant again! Find other ways to feel close, connected, and intimate with your husband and in time you should start to get your "groove" back. I also found that, for myself, the more sex I have the more I want, so in the beginning I told myself I would try to commit to having sex with him every other day, and after a bit I found I actually wanted it every day, now we have settled into a nice routine that keeps us both feeling satisfied and connected.

1 mom found this helpful
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