Kindergarten Mean Girls

Updated on November 15, 2010
V.M. asks from Conneaut, OH
15 answers

since the first day we've been dealing with so and so and the other so and so telling my daughter they will be her freind one day and not the next. Today my baby came home and said so and so said if i bring her a dollar she'll be my friend. I keep talking about the Golden Rule and about what a good friend acts like, The only book i can think of that shows this type of a relationship at this age level is "A Bargain for Frances" anybody else have any good books that show how not to be a doormat or a mean girl??? Anyother advice?? I would work on playing up some other girls but there don't seem to be any fit the bill ( i.e. similar activities and times of availablitlity, nice parents etc)

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answers from Houston on

I cant offer help, other than the fact that my daughter doesnt seem to have a friend that hasnt been at one time or another "mean girl". It makes me wonder if my perfect angel has been guilty of this as well. I agree with the other mom that said teach empathy............and i also teach the idea of not getting taken advantage of, how to stand up for herself, and how to respond to mean kids (the response for girls and boys is separate)

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answers from Davenport on

As a kindergarten teacher I would want to know about what your daughter is experiencing. You should talk with the teacher, and let your daughter know that she should tell her teacher when it is happening so something can be done right away. Your teacher should be able to provide you with some good book ideas, and she might read them to the whole class to set an expectation.

If it is the same girl, or girls, repeating the bad behaviors than it may be a bullying issue. The school should take that seriously and have a talk with the girls at the very least. Kids this age may not know what they are doing is wrong, or understand how it makes another child feel. Give them a chance to redeem themselves after they get a good talking to!

I teach my class that a bully is someone that hurts you or your feelings over and over again. I also teach the kids that they need to tell a teacher if someone is hurting their body or their feelings.

Good Luck!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Sacramento on

I agree with Mallory - you need to bring this to the teacher's attention. At my daughters' school, they are really big on talking to the kids ALL THE TIME about bullying. Just the other day my first grader came home and said they are working on "I statements." I asked what this meant, and she said that in class, they work on resolving conflict using words. For instance, she might say to her friend, "I have a problem when you... (tell me you're not my friend). It makes me feel... (sad)." And then the friend says, "I'm sorry that what I said made you feel sad. I'll try to make sure that doesn't happen again." And then they shake hands. Apparently this is something they practice in my daughter's class a few times a week, and I heard from my third grader that they work on this as well. Maybe you could recommend something like this to your daughter's teacher.

Also, the teacher should let parents know what kind of behavior she is seeing. For instance she could send a note home to all parents stating, "We are seeing a lot of children saying things like, 'You're not my friend,' and we're encouraging children to say only positive things to each other at school. Your support in reinforcing this at home would be appreciated." Or something of that nature.

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answers from Pittsburgh on

Just hoping that the teacher and counselors are involved. Please don't be one of those parents who don't want to interfere. There will come a time for that and it is not kindergarten. You need to be your little girls advocate.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Kalamazoo on

One word - EMPATHY. Teach it now and teach it often. When my kids (ages 6 first grade and 8 3rd grade) come to me with the "so and so" problems, first I make sure nothing major happened and if so it was or will be taken care of by the school. Secondly, if my son (the 8yr old) is reporting that so and so is a bad kid and did this and that. I explain to my son that so and so probably has a rough home life and his parents aren't teaching him how to behave and cope. I tell my son that it's not so and so's fault, it's his parents. There aren't "good" and "bad" kids, they are just all living out what is taught to them by their parents (unfortunately :). On the other hand - last yr when my daughter was 5 and in K, she had a particulary bossy "friend" who I was told by my daughter said that if my daughter did not give her some plastic ring that she found on the playground, then my daughter would not be invited to her fancy birthday party. My daughter told me this when she got home from school that day. I explained to my daughter that obviously, friends don't treat friends this way and any time someone is making you feel bad, they are not being friendly to you. I also told her that the next time you little "friend" wants to blackmail you with a Bday invite, tell her you don't want to come to her stinky Bday party anyway!!!! Which of course my daughter wouldn't say because she is way nicer than I am!!!!

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answers from Dallas on

My daughter is now in the second grade, but there have been some little girls like this in each grade. There was one little girl in kindergarten who seemed a little older and more socially experienced. My daughter is eager to please and wants everyone to be happy. The other little girl would mess with her backpack, or would buddy up to her when my daughter had something the other little girl wanted. Second grade has been the worst, with the whole "So and so is my friend today." Then the next day, "So and so said she's not my friend any more." They also seem to make friends and break up friends over the silly bands. I tell my daughter that not everyone is nice and some people are only trying to be your friend to get something that they want. I tell her to be nice to everyone, but if someone is messing with her or asking her for stuff, she needs to tell them "Don't talk to me that way. I don't like it." Now if someone touches her, I told her she needs to tell her teacher. She has the little girls that she hangs out with normally, but there are one or two who come around only when it is convenient for them. There was another little girl that my daughter told me was the meanest in the second grade and said the little girl made three of the other kids cry. Then, all of a sudden, this little girl is calling our house. Our daughter said she gave her our phone number and now they were friends. Well, this other little girl was trying to break up the friendship my daughter had with two other girls at school. We quit answering the phone, and I told my daughter to be nice to the little girl, but this was a friendship that she wanted to be very cautious about. We try to work with her to be more assertive because she is so eager to please. I want her to develop a backbone before she gets into the higher grades when peer pressure could lead her into some really undesirable behavior. We have the Bargain for Francis book. Tell your daughter that people make friends because they like the type of person the other one is, not because of the things they have, or the things that you can give them. You should never have to buy your friends. Also, I involved my daughter in a girl scout troop. If you can involve her in activities with kids of similar interests, she can develop friendships outside of school. Good luck!

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answers from Boston on

I don't really think they are purposely being mean. They be acting how they are raised. How often do you hear people bribing their kids to behave this is no different. I also no that at this age they are friends one day not the next and back and forth a lot. Do not judge kids by their parents I know plenty of kids that don't have good/nice parents but they are sweet and a pleasure to have over because they enjoy the environment that our home offers also just because they don't partcipate in the same activites does not mean that you should not encourage her to branch out and befriend someone. My son's friends from sports and cub scouts all happen to be in a different class then him and he has managed to branch out and make some new friends that have different interests/activities.

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answers from Houston on

this isn't exactly a mean girl, but it's a cute story of a boy who seeks fairness despite being bullied by a woman, and it also talks about money, which could help with the whole $1 thing...: (watch it here)

here are some tips of what you can teach your daughter about bullies:

also, talk to her teachers so they know what's going on. I still remember the girl that bullied me when I was 3 years old and made preschool miserable.

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answers from Minneapolis on

Adding to the advice already given, there's a book for you called "Little Girls Can Be Mean". You can read about it on amazon and also look at the related books. (I will then reserve the books that look good to me at my library because I don't want to buy lots of books.)

I know there's another one that's good, but I can't find the name of it right now. (sorry)

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answers from New York on

There is a good book called Queen Bees and Wanna Bees. It really goes into details the dynamics of mean girl groups and the role that each girl in the group plays. When my daughter went though this I got the school and the school counselor involved. The counselor actually asked to keep the book so it can be very helpful. As one poster said this is only the beginning. My daughter was tortured due to horrible jealousy and because she was sweet. Unfortunately, nice is misinterpreted for weak to some children, and yes most times the parents are aware and could care less. As long as it isn't their child they just don't care. It is getting younger and younger. My daughter is now 21 but went through this from 4th grade until about 11th grade. And trust me she went through hell. On the flip side she is a much stronger person and took the high road (unlike me) and came out just fine and stronger then ever!! Hang in there and be there for her, she is going to need you to help her through!!

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answers from Columbus on

Ok, I don't have a book suggestion for your daughter, but I have one for you. Odd Girl Out, by Rachel Simmons. It really is a must-read for parents of girls. I went through bullying issues in high school and I wanted to be prepared for when my girls go through it. I've actually purchased copies to give out. It explains the thought process and really explores the reasons behind girl bullying and what you can do to help your child.
I wish so badly, that I could say it gets better. It doesn't. I'm glad that the issue is more "out there" nowadays, but it doesn't help what you are going through right now. Unfortunately, this type of bullying is very hard to deal with for teachers and school faculty. There's no physical evidence or even a moment that a teacher can usually witness. It's one girl's word over another's. It's eye-rolling and mean snears. A teacher can have a talk with a girl to comfront her about what your daughter tells her the girl said or did, but unless there's proof, so to speak, there's not much recourse. By letting the teacher know what's going on, it will heighten her awareness, though. Maybe she can '"catch" some conversations. Then, there's always the documentation. You have record of what's going on. It's seems sad you have to have documentation of what your daughter is dealing with in kindergarten, but it's better than staying out of it. Now, all that being said, some girls just say these things and almost 'forget' that that's what went down the day before. Some of it might be more innocent in intent than it appears. My daughter hears this all the time, "I won't be your friend if you don't _______".
I could literally go on and on about this. It's very near and dear to my heart. I am glad there are some book suggestions for your daughter. I will check them out, myself! I wish you luck and hope you and your daughter can find some balance and self- preservation! Just being there for your daughter when she wants to talk and always supporting her is a huge step in the right direction! :)

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answers from Philadelphia on

I actually found one at the library the other day and my 4yo son loves it. It's called Bullies Never Win. I read it to him and I liked how the story talks about how one girl was making fun of the other and that little girl went home sad. Then after a few days she figures out how to stand up for herself and make the other little girl stop. She isn't mean about it but she doesn't let this girl keep walking all over her. I'm definitely impressed.

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answers from Philadelphia on

Oh boy, welcome to Kindergarten. Kids have falling out and back in fast it's not a big deal. I told my kids to be kind and be friends or at least nice to everyone. I would also talk to the teacher to see if she knows what is going on and how she is dealing with it. I had heard some really interesting stories from teachers about how my kids were playing and how the girls were talking to each other. Luckily the stories were funny it just can't hurt to talk tot he teacher. Chances are your child is fine.

My kids school has rules and one of them teaches respect. They talk about the school rules daily too.

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answers from Scranton on

Make sure you tell her that they are not the types of girls that will be true friends. True friends are ones that don't need anything from you, but will just enjoy spending time with you. Tell her that, that girl doesn't deserve her friendship and she should only give the special gift of her friendship to people who deserve to have it.

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answers from Harrisburg on

Take a look at their program is designed for individuals as well as the whole class and focuses on how to treat other people. Monthly newsletters and books for different age levels help any teacher who is interested incorporate this into the daily classroom routine. It might be a good Christmas gift idea to look into for your teacher.

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