Kindergarten Blues Please Help!

This is a recipe for a rough start... no preschool, no daycare, parents separating and she's expecting play time.

Just a thought... depending on how old she is... I would withdraw her and send her to preschool for a year. I would also seek-out a private therapist for her to start dealing with the separation. If you think she's having anxiety attacks now... wait until dad moves out.

Seriously. I was a school psychologist for many years and if you were a parent coming to me with this scenario, I would encourage you to seek out a preschool setting for your child as well as a good counselor.

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Your daughter sounds completely overwhelmed.

I am a child of divorce and I will tell you the stress of living with parents that do not love each other and are always tense is a terrible burden on a young child. It makes a child clingy and uncomfortable. I knew that even though they never said it out loud, my parents no longer loved each other or wanted to be with each other.

School takes a lot of energy and concentration, since you child has never experienced this, it is taking a lot of her energy and so she is torn between wanting things to be better at home and learning all of this new information and rules at school.

Kinder IS fun.. They play out on the playground, they get story time, they get to eat together, they are making new friends. They are having fun learning new skills.. Our daughter would have been all over the measuring, charting and and graphing.. I remember she came home every day excited to tell us about the new things she was learning.

But to you and your daughter it sounds like learning is not fun.
She just wanted to go and play all day.

I do not think your daughter is emotionally ready for all day kinder. Too young and too much going on at home. Consider sending her to pre K or to at least a half day Kinder if you can find it. I have a cousin that this exact thing happened to her. She had never been to any type of daycare or prek.. She just was not ready, they pulled her and held her back a year. It made a huge difference.

"My husband and I are separating soon and I know the arguments are having an effect on her."

I was reading the posting, figuring it was a classic adjusting-to-school issue, when this sentence just appeared out of the blue. It should be the very first sentence of the posting because it's a vital clue to her stress.

Yes, she may be stressing about school itself, but isn't it extremely likely that she's stressing because she's in a new environment at a time when her home environment is not just changing but totally turning upside down? Even if you haven't told her yet about separating, she IS much more aware of tension than you and your husband realize.

Does the school counselor know that you are about to separate and that there is tension in the home and she is aware of that tension? Does her teacher know this? I think both of them need to know immediately. That helps them deal with your child so much better -- from a position of being fully informed. You do not have to give them tons of details or get too personal. But you do have to let them know that your little girl, who has never had the experience of going away from you to any school-like environment (because she didn't do preschool), is now in her first time away from you while simultaneously dealing with tension at home.

The teacher and counselor should work with you to make her more comfortable in school. She will need school as a safe haven where she feels good during the time when she fully realizes daddy is not living at home.

You cannot alter the way the school is run. Instead, step up and at least pretend to be enthusiastic even if you are not. Have her measure an apple and an orange and something else around the house with YOU, and be very upbeat and excited about it. Have her "help" you write something like a shopping list (just two or three words of one, using only letters she knows how to form now) and praise her like crazy and then above all, connect it to how wonderful it is that she learned that IN SCHOOL. Ask the teacher for other ways to reinforce not so much the learning as the enthusiasm for whatever it is they are doing -- even if you do not just love it yourself. This is for her, not for you. She is having to deal with her first separation from you at an age when, unfortunately, she must start right in with academics -- that is just the way school is now; in kindergarten kids are doing things that once were done in first grade, etc. You can't change that. But you can make her think that mom thinks she is doing the coolest stuff ever.

Meanwhile, you really, really need to enlist the help of the teacher and the counselor. The counselor may be less apt to cancel those talks once you tell her or him about the real situation at home and once you make her aware that your child did not go to a preschool and is having her first separation from you.

LIke another person posted, consider getting your daughter into counseling now so she can start to prepare for the separation. And yes, sending her to preschool (fewer hours a week) and starting K in another year could be an option but you need to decide that soon.

Is it a full day kindergarten? Usually kinder is only 3 or 4 hours. If it's a full day, I think that's a lot for a little one.

I think most of her anxiety might be transferring from the problems at home. How scary to be away from home when her whole world is about to collapse.

I think you should mirror her feelings and continue to send her. "Kindergarten can be scary, can't it." She will nod. Not making her go won't turn her into a "quitter," but it's a part of her life that she does have to endure, especially since most the anxiety is probably coming from her home life.

However, if it's a full day kinder, maybe you can switch her to a half-day kinder? To me, switching her to preschool is not very different from going to kindergarten, so I'm not sure about that option, although you could try it.

I'm sorry about your marriage.

I just wanted to throw out that the first few weeks of school, at least in my experience, are mostly testing. My kids felt that the first few weeks were too rigorous and stressful, but now it is getting better. I bet that very soon, there will be more of the fun parts. It might help to go have a visit with the teacher. Explain the home situation so she is aware and better equipped to help your daughter. Ask your teacher what curriculum is planned so you will have a better idea of whether this class will meet your daughters needs. Also, if you are able, please offer to volunteer in the classroom. A lot of the "fun" projects at school just are not possible without volunteers helping with their time and donating supplies. I am sorry about your seperation and hope thing get better for you and your daughter soon.

What are your other options if you don't send her to Kindergarten? She is a summer baby and could possibly be held back? If not, she really needs to be in Kindergarten.

I would work with her in the afternoons/evening with the things/activities she is doing in school. Show her how excited you get over doing those types of things and maybe she would have less anxiety if she knows Mom likes to do it. It may help her familiarize the work as well. She may be having anxiety over the work b/c she doesn't know what is expected out of her.

Good luck!

I agree with Krista P. look into a good high five preschool class for her either at your church or another reputable school affiliated with a school district or even a preschool that has good recommendations from other parents. She can't "not" go to school, but you still have time to prepare her for it without her being too much older than the other kids. I would talk to her teacher. I cannot believe that there isn't a good portion of the day that isn't scheduled for play time. That is how children of this age learn best. Also check out Montessori programs in your area. She might really like that type of setting too. Good luck. I am sorry to hear about the separation. Hopefully you all will be able to make your family situation work the best you can. Many churches have support groups for kids of parents going through separation/divorce. This might help ease her anxiety as well.
HTH,
A.

Krista has great advice and she knows what she's talking about.

You have two issues: adjusting to K and the separation.

K is FUN! They WILL do fun things. And they will learn and take tests and learn to read, etc. maybe she WOULD benefit from a year of PreK. How old is she and when is her birthday?

The separation is coming for sure? Does she know this? Please try not to argue in front of her. I grew up in a home like this and it was much more responsible for my anxiety than the pressure of school.

My daughter just started too and never went to pre k either. Mine took a few days and is much better now. Maybe your daughter is just not ready. I don't know the state laws in TX, but here in Florida they don't have to start until 6 years old. You might consider waiting until next year or possibly a private school. The private school worked for us, the classes are much smaller. I don't think you should force her, I think that may cause more problems later on.
Good luck

Your lives are changing. I think that you and your hubby need to back off and let her be the center of attention, she needs to have her parents stable. Whether that is together or apart. She will adjust to kindergarten, she needs time and less stress to do that though.

My son just started full day K too. it is a longer day than his preschool and he complains some too. However, he had preschool and is mostly ready for where the class is.

It sounds like this K program is not a great fit for your daughter. Can you meet with the teacher and school counselor? Maybe they can work with you on ways to help her adjust. Have you thought of putting her back into pre-K (or maybe repeating K if she continues to struggle all year)? It may not be the only solution but it could be worth thinking about.

Here is my story:
I was in K in the 1970's. I was the youngest and smallest child in the class (born 3 days before the age cut off date and still 4 when school started) and to top it off my baby sister was born the week I started K. I still remember that my dad took me to school the first day because my mom was in the hospital. It was a very rough year! I got the know the school counselor pretty well (she thought I was shy and sent my parents to counseling). I struggled through K and 1st grade and then we moved. The new school put me back to repeat 1st grade and it was so much better.

Anyway, given my experience I was determined not to have that happen to my kids. So it depends what your options are. Some places have free or low cost preK through the public schools. Can you afford private half day K someplace else? It really seems like she is struggling now and with the emotional stress of your impending separation she may not absorb all the academics she needs this year. It seems like over the years since I was a kid K has become more about academics and is now more like 1st grade used to be. Also, cut off dates have shifted a lot. My birthday is late December and I was able to start K at 4.5 but now the cut off date is October 1st. It makes your August baby one of the younger ones not in the middle.

So that is my 2 cents. I don't work in a school but did work with kids in foster care. I've observed that often big emotional stuff will throw off a child's concentration in school.

I don't know if financially you can afford it but private schools are so much better with kindergarten that public schools at least in my opinion and my experience. They are more nurturing and because you pay the tuition you do have some sort of say so in what goes on day to day. If not maybe you can speak to the school and see if she can go half day's at least for the first month until she feels a little better about it?

I second what Krista P. wrote.
I think it's a great idea.
Just tell your husband you've researched this, spoken to counselors and
are in no way going to "force" her to go.
Going from mom's care straight to kindergarten is a difficult transition.
I think Krista's idea of pulling her out, going to preschool THEN going to
kindergarten is ideal and necessary at this point.
Good luck an dhang in there.