I have a nine year old daughter, an almost 6 year old daughter, a 5 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. We can completely clean the entire house TOGETHER and then maybe in 24 hours they completely destroy it! I work nights and that is when most of it is going on. Sometimes in the mornings when they are home we will be sitting in the living room talking and they will disappear and I find them in the fridge! My nine year old doesn't do this, and not so much my 6 year old. Mainly the younger two. I've tried to tell them if they get into food there will be no food but it doesn't seem to faze them.They used to have bedrooms up stairs in my house and I have taken those away because they would either get up extra early or extra late and get food and take it up there and dump it on their floor. We're talking dry oatmeal, ice cream, shredded cheese. Anything. I've steam cleaned the carpets and they would do it again. I've put locks on the fridge. Nothing works. They get plenty to eat. 3 meals and snacks. Also they like to get into their clothes in their dressers and put them on and take them off and throw them everywhere. I've moved their dressers to my room to help with this but while i'm at work, they still do it. It's not a possibility to quit my job. I will catch my son taking something out of the wrapper and throwing it on the floor. I make him pick it up ever sinle time and throw it away. When he sees that I see him, he will immediately pick it up so I know he knows better. How do you stop kids that are determined to make your house filthy? They even write on walls. Sometimes I think that they run the house, not me. I don't too much believe in spankings. That's not an option. I know you're thinking they need a good whooping. Corner time works, but only temporarily. As soon as they're out, it's time to start playing and being messy. I can't give them constuctive things to do like color because they will color on everything. I know this is coming off as a case of the bad mom, but I really do try. They're sweet children, they don't say hateful things or cuss. Sometimes when i tell my 5 year old no she will go into crazy screaming fits, not crying, just yelling. Thast usually starts a fight cause the others tell her to shut up and she gets louder! Anyway, you get the point. Does anybody that doesn't think i'm crazy have any advice? I need a Godsend.
Who is watching these kids while you are at work? Whoever that is is falling down on the job! I would be 100% consistent in making the kids clean up their messes. Perhaps you could do a chart for each child and give those stars for each day that they clean up after themselves. They can use the stars or tickets to earn something special. This doesn't have to cost anything, they can earn 30 minutes of special play time with mom or dad.
Oh my lord!! If it wasn't so serious, your story would be hilarious!! Unfortunately, i have no advice other than contacting the super nanny show!! But, i will say a prayer that your godsend arrives quickly!!
Have a great day and god bless!!
Who stays with them while you are at work? I would think that person needs to help out with this. Do they act better while you are home? Maybe more harsh consequences, you said time outs, how bout grounding, taking away privileges, etc?? Is their dad in the picture? My daughter is only 2 and still the only kid, so I don't have a lot of experience in this area (yet).
Good luck, sounds like you have your hands full.
Just want to add a book you could check out..."1,2,3 Magic" is very sensible and gives plenty of ideas. My personal take on this is-4 kids by the time you are 25?? I was three yrs older than you when I finally decided to try one. I have three now and a very supportive husband, and it's still crazy. Hope the book helps and best of luck!
I have two children under the age of two, so I can only imagine how challenging it can be with four small children and you working full time! I've read that a child will not change his behavior until it inconveniences HIM - the basics of conditional training, if you remember Experimental Psychology 101. John Rosemond, in "A Family of Value", makes a lot of sense when he says that consequences must be significant in order to get a child's attention in the case of persistent undesirable behavior. Not cruel, but definitely significant. Time outs are the least effective attention getter because they are not memorable. Whatever the solution is, it has to be something you can enforce, even if it is inconvenient to you, too. It has to be something that will get their attention that "this behavior is not acceptable, and this is what you should expect if you persist in it." And then you follow through, no nonsense, no anger. Let them learn to take responsibility for their own choices. You may get an idea by reading his book, or not, but Rosemond is very encouraging of parents, saying that 95% of anything we encounter, we can solve without professional help - just using our common sense. :) Hope this helps in some way; best of success to you!!
Dear K., I think we all understand what you are going through~ do not feel alone! I know you don't believe in spanking, but this is what I found on the subject~ I hope it helps ease your heart. "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him." Proverbs 22:15
"Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death." Proverbs 23:13&14
"The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother. Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul." Proverbs 29:15&17
I hope this helps, there is another one but I can't find it. It says something about a parent who does not punish the child, hates the child. I know you love those children and God has blessed you well! Another thing that is very important is to have dad back you up on any punishment you give, whether he lives in the home or not. I didn't have that with my oldest son and he just got released from a group home, so I know how important a support system and "what daddy does" is to your kids!
Good luck and know you are not alone in this!
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. How frustrated you must feel. I'm no expert but...here's my take...your kids are acting out. They are trying to gain attention. Since the weekend is here...don't know if you work weekends but...try giving them an extra dose of attention... maybe a sleepover w/ your in the living room (tent style) or lots of special projects bake cookies etc. During which you can drive home the fact that when there is food in the fridg we can use it to make special treats together. However, when it is used up on the carpet/floor we don't have extra for cookies etc... Let them sit on your lap and hug them. Tell them how special they are. Talk to them. I'll pray you have success.
If they make the mess, they clean it up. My 2 year old has been known to color on the floor, walls and furniture-no matter how many times I tell her crayons are for paper- when she does this she's the one who has to scrub the floor, walls or furniture (you finish up the job while they aren't there to see it.) When they throw clothes all over the floor they have to put it back in thier dresser, when they bring all their stuffed animals into the living room b/c they need an audience for thier concert-they have to put them away. It's not automatic, as soon as I see a mess in the making I tell them they will be the ones to clean it up. Of course you are going to miss some and when they spill red nail polish on the carpet they obviously can't use the cleaners that it takes to clean that, but you have to make them resposible for thier actions, and when they do right-let them know how pleased you are with that behavior too. I'm a fan of Dobson-he does approved of spanking, but has specific rules to follow when doing so. It sounds like your 5 year old may be strong willed-my four year old is the same way-Dobson's "the Strong-Willed Child" is excellent, and "Dare to Discipline", people have been using these since the 70's and still recommend them, and they are Christian based.
I honestly have to say if you have had to move dressers and bedrooms because of their behavior it sounds like they ARE running the house and making the rules, and where is Dad? what part does he play in all of this? This is not something you were meant to do by yourself. Check out some discipline books, not everything will work for every child, but give each technique a good hard try before you decide it's not working and you need something different. God bless!
Whoever is watching them while you're working needs a good talking to. It sounds like they're letting them get away with everything, either that or the kids are walking all over them. If it's their father, or another family member, you need to really lay down the law with them. If it's a babysitter, fire them. Seriously. Find someone who will actually watch your kids. Of course the majority of the problem is your children misbehaving. It sounds like you are trying to discipline them, but they aren't getting the discipline consistently when you're not home. The others have some good ideas for disciplining too. But my advice is to make sure they are getting the same kind of discipline when you are away.
First, I know how overwhelmed you feel. I had my first 4 in 61/2 years, we have 9 kids. You get so tired that it's hard to be consistant. You asked for a "Godsend", reread what Lori sent you. That is God's message sent to parents. Spanking is not the only punshment, but it is the best for direct disobedience. If you want what is best for your children , follow God's directions, He's the One who gave the children to you. None of us can parent without Him.
Oh man, I feel for you! It sounds a mess and stressful!!! So, my only piece of advice comes from my sister. She gave me this advice in reference to something else, but she has successfully raised 5 children (and they are really great young women). She reminded me that often rewards work better than punishments. SO BASIC!!! Why do we forget this in the midst of parenting chaos! I know it seems backwards to reward your kids when they are causing so many messes, but I encourage you to find some ways to boost them up. Here are a few ideas (none really tried and tested in my home...just thinking what I might try):
1. After cleaning day, take them all bowling/roller skating/to the park. This has a double advantage: you are rewarding them AND they are out of the house and can't mess it up again right away :).
2. Have a contest. Who ever keeps all their dirty clothes off the floor for 3 days straight gets a special treat (a lunch alone with mom or time off from helping around the house that week or something).
3. Be sure to praise praise praise your kids when they do pick up after themselves (even if it is only because you are watching :)). Thank them for their help and for contributing to the team that is your family.
I hope some of these ideas help. I don't think you are crazy - we all struggle with our kids in different areas from time to time. I have a good friend who says "mothering isn't for wimps" and it requires our constant attention and creativity to bring our kids up in this world. Hang in there and I hope you get lots of good advice and things get better at your house!
Hi Kathy!
First of all, let me just say that I am 26 with one 3 year old and could never imagine being 25 with 4! Kuddos to you! Have you tried talking to them? I know that sounds like an obvious thing to do but talking to my son really works. I make him look me in the eyes and I tell him exactly how it is. If he does something I don't approve of, I tell him look at me. He knows that a talk is coming and tries to ignore me until I finally take his hand and say very calmly "Elliott, look at mommy." I explain to him that he should never do that again because he could get hurt. I'm honest with him too. I tell him you could break your leg or arm and have to go to the hospital. Or if he does something that's not nice I will tell him (looking him in his eyes of course) that he hearts mommy's heart when he does that and it makes me sad. If he doesn't share or something like that I tell him that he is hurting Jesus' heart and that we should always always share our things with others....etc. You get the point. It is important you have them look at you and walk over to them so that you know they are listening. If you just yell it across the room....it goes in one ear and out the other. I responed to this because I don't agree with corpul punishment either but there are other ways to correct a child and this is what works for us! Good Luck.
L. (i'm not proof reading so ignore the errors!)
Wow, if you don't believe in spankings, whick is the first thing I would do because that behavior is unacceptable, you need to be firm and consistent every time. If this behavior continues they need to have EVERYTHING taken away! Toys, clothes, games, TV whatever. If you have to lock it up in your room then that's what you have to do. Give them a change of clothes every morning and take the dirty ones right away. If they can behave for whatever the set time is give them one toy, or set of clothes or tv time. If it happens again take it away and if they continue to behave slowly start rewarding them by giving them privileges and their stuff back. Also, this is extremely bizarre behavior, I don't know if you've thought about therapy or counseling but it might benefit the children. There may be something going on that you are unaware of and maybe even that they are unaware of or are having trouble expressing. Good luck to you, I know this is hard.
Spankings are definitely not the only way to enforce the rules. Good for you.
Probably some discipline books are in order. Try the Sears Discipline Book and Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. Start giving these kids real consequences. Make them clean everything up. I'm talking steam cleaning, too!
L.
Hi K.,
I have to be honest, while reading this, my first thought was they all need spankings when they do the behavior that you are not liking. But since you don't want to do that, I'm not sure the best method to deal with this. Basically, as you said, your kids are running your house and that is your job. You must change the situation or it will only get worse. Even if you don't do spankings, you must find another method of punishment, set the rules and then stick to them. Any and every time that they disobey the rules, they must deal with the consequences. I know it is hard. I am not very consistent with my own kids, but I do understand the importance of it.
Who watches the kids while you are gone? Whoever that is needs to be aware of the rules and make sure that the kids stick to them while you are gone as well. If it is Dad, then it would probably be a good idea to include him in the process of making the rules. My dh is excellent at getting the kids to obey. Sometimes kids listen better to Daddy for some reason.
There will always be some messes at this stage, kids are just kids. But the behavior you are describing is way beyond just normal kid's playing messes. I imagine you could probably find a book that would give you some ideas on discipline other than spankings. Here are some ideas that might work: If they get a snack by themselves without asking they do not get another snack that day. (If they get a second snack by themselves you will have to then think of some more extreme punishment) For screaming fits, I often send my daughter to her room. She is 5 and will often throw a fit when she gets in trouble. She goes straight to her room when this happens and usually a spanking as well. For the clothes issue, maybe you could make it as a rule that if they change clothes during the day without a good reason (maybe they have to check with you first) you will take away one of their outfits for a whole month and then stick to it and start taking away their favorite outfits. For writing on walls, make them wash them off, sometimes the act of having to clean up a mess is enough to get them to not do it again. We also have a rule in our house, that their is no computer or tv time if rooms are not clean. That is a big motivator as well.
Anyway, I hope this helps. It will probably require what seems like a whole lot of mean behavior on your part for awhile, but once they see that you will stick with the rules, things should get better.
M.
