Keeping a Home or the Diet Solution Program or Being a Great Mom

http://www.flylady.net/
Lots of wonderful advice for setting up routines and an online community for a support system.

Sorry to be harsh, but I think you need to cut yourself a break, and your fiance needs to get over his obsession with complete order. Having two kids under the age of two is tough, and so many developmental changes occur during these first few years, a routine/schedule is changing every few weeks to months per each child. Small children are VERY time consuming!

Cooking 3 meals a day and having a completely clean/organized home is not what is important right now. As long as your home is tidy and safe for you and your kids, why beat yourself up with trying to make it perfect?? I don't know anything about that Diet Solution, but you can have balanced meals with less "cooking". What is wrong with cereal for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch and just cooking one meal for dinner? As long as you are providing a well balanced, healthy foods, and not processed junk food, I see nothing wrong with it. Unless you enjoy cooking, I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself.

Eliminating the cooking aspect twice a day would free more time up for cleaning/organizing the house. Tackle one thing per day. Mondays = laundry, Tuesday = dust & vacuum, Wed = clean bathrooms, etc...This would give you more time to spend playing with your kids, and not being totally exhausted by the time your fiance comes home. Then you can give him your attention, and I bet he would enjoy that too! :)

Hang in there. Things will get better. And remember, no child ever remembers how perfectly organized and spotless their house was while growing up. They remember the experiences of love and fun they had with their parents and siblings! Thinking of you and wishing you good luck!

When your kids are on a sleeping and eating schedule, that will make life easier. And of course, as they get older, things will get easier in general. The first few months of having 2 kids is a big challenge and adjustment! Give yourself some time to figure it all out.

I'm not sure what the Diet Challenge is all about, but maybe you need to dial that back a little bit. How about if you just stock up on healthy grab-and-go type items, like apples, bananas, chopped veggies (broccoli, carrots, snap peas, etc). Maybe some rice cakes or low-fat crackers... that kind of thing. Why not just make sandwiches for lunch? Or heat up a can of soup? Maybe get some lowfat yogurt. It doesn't have to be super difficult. One thing I have learned about diet plans is that if they are a ton of work, it is not sustainable long term, and it's not going to work. Just eat healthy, low fat foods, lean proteins, high fiber - and you'll be fine.

I am not a morning person either, so I don't get up super early. I would rather do housework at night after the kids are in bed. That works better for me. I also think it works better to do a little cleaning each day (for instance, tomorrow I will clean the kids' bathroom, Friday I'll clean the master bedroom, Saturday I'll clean the master bathroom, Sunday I'll do a thorough cleaning of the kitchen, etc). As I walk through the house, I'll pick up things that are out of place and put them back in place. That's a good activity to do if you are on the phone, or if you take a stack of laundry to put it away in the bedroom, grab the jacket that was thrown on the bed and bring it back to the coat closet. That sort of thing.

It's hard to keep it all together with really little kids. Just do your best. Maybe on weekends you can have your fiance watch the little ones while you do some cleaning. That will serve two purposes: 1) he understands what your life is like on a daily basis dealing with two tiny children, and 2) you get uninterrupted time to get some things done!

Good luck. Hang in there. It will get easier.

First of all, your exhausted. You won't get anything together until you get proper sleep. Proper sleep won't come until the kids are on a good sleep schedule. That won't happen until it does. I hope you're being consistent with when you put them down,etc so their schedule has developed.

Second, tell the fiance to get off your back!! Some 'supermoms' may be able to do it, but most moms struggle just like you to get it all done. I could not. When my boys were babies and I was a SAHM, I insisted the hubby help around the house. I insisted that I not be responsible for every meal made, every toilet cleaned, and every bit of laundry washed. I didn't hand it all over to him, but I told him it was not going to get done and it was too important to our sanity to just leave alone. He HAD to help with the housework. His house as well right!? - he did, I got to give him credit for that.

Third, stop putting all the pressure on yourself, you're only making it worse. The more you stress over all this, the worse it will get - it's the beginning of depression and continuing this way will only make it worse - for you and for your fiance. I know this is easier to say than do!

Find a sitter for a couple hours. Schedule a meeting with the fiance. Clearly lay out your concerns: you are overwhelmed, you can't get it all done with 2 little ones to tend to, you feel he is disappointed in you for not being able to do it all and lastly that you are now feeling disappointed in yourself and it's affecting you. Tell him that you don't know how to get better organized. IF he expects you to just do it, then tell him that on Saturday and Sunday, he's in charge. You will only be an observer in the house and not help at all, so he can get a taste of what it is to be solely responsible for the babies and also try to get it all done. Tell him you need him to know (not just talk about it, make him do it) what your day is like and let him come up with some organization ideas.

Remember, no one - NO ONE gets organized overnight. It often takes weeks, months to finally feel like it's all under control. There are certainly things you can do, but alot of the tips and suggestions in books (I've read many) simply have nothing to do with a family with kids under 2!

For your sake, this has to stop and you need to have the pressure lifted. Both the pressure from him and the pressure from yourself. Be a team and make decisions or come up with ideas together, it's both of your lives and both of your home and both of your family, so you two need to work together to make everyone happier.

I wish you peace so you can get better perspective and stop beating yourself up!!!
Feel free to email me privately if you'd like to talk.
J.

i have a very type a personality - i am a neat freak and like a nice, orderly routine to my days. now, that doesn't mean that i really ENJOY cleaning, but i like things to be clean. i actually have a 2 week rotating chore chart that i use. i print it off every 2 weeks, and check/mark off the chores as i complete them. that keeps me on top of what needs to be done, and i feel like i've actually done something when everything is checked off at the end of the day. i think it's unreasonable to prepare 3 large/fresh meals per day - i think you might be better off to step back from that and just stock good food choices in the house. we do a pretty simple/quick breakfast, leftovers or sandwiches or pb crackers for lunch, and i cook a nice/fresh dinner nearly every night. if you're interested in my chore chart, send me a PM with your email address and i'd be glad to send it to you, obviously you'll have to tweak it to your own needs, but it may be a good basic guideline for you. additionally, with your little one's being so close in age and SO young, have you explored the possibility that you have some PPD that is causing you to be so exhausted? depression doesn't always manifest with feeling sad, sometimes it's simply feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted. i wish you lots of luck, it WILL get better, i promise.

I felt like I was reading a post from someone that has been watching the last couple months of my life...except for the fiance expectations. lol
I have a 2 year old and a 5 month old and I hear ya! There were days I felt like a walking zombie- just rolling out of bed in the am could barely open my eyes, and all I wanted to do all day was crawl back into bed and sleep. Some days nothing gets done, and I had no energy to play with my 2 yr.old.
Is your fiance home all day that you have to cook the 3 meals a day? I don't want to sound like an info-mercial here but I am going to tell you some of the things that help me:
1) Take 1/2 hr, and exercise. It will be a push the first couple of times, and seems like your adding something into your already full schedule, but it will relieve the frustration and tension and it is YOU time! -The only time I have is to get up at 3:30 AM, the closest gym is 1/2 hr away so I workout for an hour, and get home at 5:30 to have coffee and talk with my hubby before he leaves at 6.
2) Find a GOOD multivitamin and faithfully take it. Please write me a private msg if you want some suggestions. Don't waste your $ on generic brands they aren't going to do anything for you. If you don't feel a difference in your life, then what will keep you taking it. - I now take my vitamin and feel as if I drank an energy drink. I want my kids to remember me as a fun lovin momma who was always up for playing with them! I now feel that way!
3) Don't sweat the small stuff! People wrote some great suggestions that I will also use in maybe just working on one room or area of the house every day, and expect that somedays you won't get to it- thats ok! This time of your life will go by so fast, I don't think you will look back and remember the week you didn't get to vacuum the house, but you will remember the time you spent with your children! ;-) It is great that you are trying to eat healthier- but what about doing salads- you can grill a meat and top the salad with it, simple- not complicated. I also make a large pot of sauce with sausage and meatballs on a weekend. This makes it thru the week- spaghetti, sausage sandwiches, meatball sandwiches, zuchinni or eggplant parm, and when we are sick of it the leftover goes in the freezer or to a friend or relative. Your fiance needs to understand that with the 2 kids- that type of diet is a bit demanding. There are times I look around my house and it is so dis sheveled I feel like there are so many demands on my time I just want to freak out. So I grab the baby in a carrier, the 2 yr old with a stroller and go for a 1/2 hr walk. When i get back I am feeling better and once again tackle my home which I so fondly refer to as 'the mess'.
Good luck, and let me know how it works out for you!

No one can do it all. Some of us are better at faking it. I could never be a stay-at-home-mom, I would go nuts. The weekends with my kids are tough, but it is getting easier and easier as they get older. I would say, the best thing you can do is write out a rough schedule and get into a routine. If you write it out, you will see that there is simply not enough time in the day to do everything. Then you can even show this to your fiance and he can see in black and white how you cannot possibly do everything that he expects. Ask him to sit down with you and select priorities or have him take on some of the responsibilities. Something's gotta give.

I feel for you! Hang in there and don't be so h*** o* yourself. I think your fiance' is expecting a little too much from you at this stage in your life. Having young children is extremely time-consuming and exhausting. The most important thing for you to do on a daily basis is to care for your children and be present with them. Having a mom who is mentally and emotionally present is the best gift you can give them. (and a mom who is happy herself!)

Cooking three meals a day is too much to ask. If he/you are concerned about nutrition, eating food that is in it's natural, raw state is much better for your body. So cooking one meal a day, preferably dinner, would be easier and better for you. Here are some suggestions: eat fruit for breakfast and a whole-wheat bagel. Try something like pita wraps with hummus and veggies for lunch and a nice, cooked meal for dinner. There are lots of quick & healthy recipes out there for you to choose from.

Another suggestion is to ask your finance to stay home with both children on one of his days off from work so you can do something for yourself. Request that he do everything that day that he expects from you (ie. cleaning, organizing, cooking 3 meals, caring for the kids, etc..) Hopefully it will open his eyes to how difficult it can be and he will understand your day a little better.

if you're more of a night person then stay up two hours after they go to bed rather than getting up before they do.

I don't really have a solution for everything else, but just a suggestion for the cooking. I am doing Weight Watchers and for me it helps me to plan out my meals the day before and usually I already know the week before because I plan a menu for the week when my husband and I go to the grocery store on Sundays. Anyway, because I am now eating different things for breakfast I have found that hard-boiled eggs are an easy healthier option for breakfast. So on Sunday, after we get back from the store, I typically boil two eggs for every day of the week ahead (the weekdays that is). I also eat a slice of 100% Whole Grain toast with just the tiniest amount of peanut butter and have a glass of milk. I don't know if that fits into your diet, but it's just an idea. Lunch is usually a veggie burger (Morningstar Farms Spicy Black Bean or Asian Veggie) and some vegetables (this requires a little bit of cooking). If dinner is a difficult thing to make, why not try making a few meals on Sunday evenings after the kids go to bed and then they can go in the freezer. All you need to do is pull out the meal on the day you plan to eat it and that's less prep. It's one day of cooking vs. cooking every day.

Hopefully this is helpful and you'll be able to find a little more time to read and things like that. Also, do you always wear your 4-month-old during naps? If you ceased this practice and started putting the baby in the crib to nap the it would allow you to do the other housework. I would definitely suggest NOT wearing the baby while you are cooking.

I don't think anyone "does it all", some just put on a better show than others :) Think of it this way: Raising a child, let alone two, can be a full-time job if you want it to be. Cleaning the house and cooking 3 squares a day (plus snacks) is almost another job right there. The trick is to figure out where you can cut corners, schedule what you can, but don't kick yourself when you don't keep to the schedule. I have to-do lists every day; if I do half of that list I'm usually happy.

Don't just schedule chores; make sure time with the kids is in there too. And if there's just too much to do, then you can cut back on something, or ask grandparents to help.

Also some days will be rough, and you have to give yourself permission to have a "lazy" day if you're exhausted, or the kids are being difficult.

Your fiance needs to realize that you're not just sitting around all day while he works. It's his family and house too and you shouldn't be expected to work 24/7 when he only works 9-5. He should definitely be helping with the housework and taking care of the kids. If he wants a structured home with routines, and you're just not a structured type of person, he is totally free to develop routines, stick to them, and try to help you become more structured. It's not exactly fair of him to expect you to take care of the house AND do it his way all the time.

Lastly if you really want to become organized (not just because other people want you to be), and you're having trouble, consider hiring a professional organizer. They will help you get organized and develop a system that works for you, so it's easier for you to stick with it.

You are right. When there is too much pressure, something's gotta give, and for the sake of your family, don't let it be your sanity! Sit down with your fiance, try to be relaxed, maybe try asking him for help-not with chores, most men hate that whole conversation, but ask him what things are really important, and which can take a backseat for a bit. If he isn't going to ease up on his demands, then you're going to have to figure out what is important to you and your family and which things are less so. For me, some days I focus on cleaning, but if it's going to be something I've gotta do with a screaming toddler clinging to my ankle, then that's the day that once we've got clean unders for tomorrow, then I'm going to go play with my son and meet his needs before getting out of whack about making the house immaculate. It can not all get done to perfection, or anything close, in a day, or ever. You will never make your house so clean that it won't be a mess 2 hours later-you will never cook a meal that will keep everyone full for a week. If you're trying to get a task done and it is become a stressful, ball busting trip down misery lane, try focusing elsewhere. It will feel disorganized and like there are never enough hours-that's motherhood, but there is no use stressing yourself out until you are drained. You're doing fine, just go with the flow, take things a moment at a time, and once the stress lets up, maybe you'll feel up for the romance stuff a bit more, but I gotta tell you, I have an almost 4 yr old and a 7 month old, if my husband were nagging me like a madman, the last thing I'd be up for is a little romance, if you can figure out a nice way to tell yours that, go for it!

I think the most important thing for you is sleep. Without it you can't be a great mother or fiancee. Take naps when they do, get up when they do and don't feel any guilt about it! I think you will find that you have more energy because you are rested and ready to tackle all that is before you.

If your fiance thinks things are not the way he wants them, then he can help more. Perhaps he can create a schedule for you or help you organize the house more efficiently. Berating you is no solution. Please tell him to be proactive and not simply critical.

Cooking meals in bulk and freezing them is helpful, but time consuming. Perhaps the two of you could do it together on Sunday nights?

Also, trying to get the kids on similar nap schedules has worked wonders for me ("The Contented Little Baby Book" has great schedule suggestions - good guidelines, but I never followed them exactly!).

My kids are now 4-1/2 and 2 and it does get easier. Right now your babies are so young they need your undivided attention. If the house isn't perfect, they won't notice, so you shouldn't either.

Get some sleep and be sure to take care of yourself. Good luck!

Is your fiance helping at all? Why would he expect so much out of you when you are doing what you can - it's obvious you are trying and if he wants to marry YOU, then he needs to accept YOU. Is he the father of your children? If not, then I would seriously consider not marrying him. If he is, then he should be pitching in! Why can't he play with the kids while you are cooking dinner if he wants you to try adhering to a strict diet plan while you are trying to mother two kids under 2! What is he thinking? It's hard enough for a mother of older kids to do that, let alone one baby....and MUCH LESS 2! Cut yourself some slack because obviously he is not cutting you any. Sounds like you would be happy with having cereal for dinner...and as long as the kids are getting nourished, why not just do meals in your own order?
BUT, that said - if YOU want to be more organized, start with a goal, then be flexible. Kids will always interrupt plans and that will just get frustrating! If they are crying, tend to them - they are your first priority....but then be creative! I put a walker in the kitchen because my 8 mo old loves her walker...and if that gets old, she goes int he jump-up, then high chair with a toy or sippy cup...then my evening is open - she will fuss a little if she is tired, so I will put her to bed... it's way harder with a toddler underfoot as well....so try to set up a routine with both that works - and then be patient - kids will have a hard time changing, but they will come around. Also - crock pot is a time saver....and healthy. Do bulk shopping so you don't have to spend time shopping all the time. Create a chore list and pick one to do each day so it doesn't pile up all at once. My baby is best in the morning, so I use that time to do a load of laundry, clean the cat litter, swiffer the floor, and do dishes, etc. It takes me about 30-40 minutes, but she is fine during that time...then I take a break and play with her. We lay down for a nap and I sleep a couple hours - she will sleep better that way and I am more refreshed. Then I do lunch and we go out for play dates - she loves being out and I need to get out of the house to get a break from housework! Then I come home and put her down for a nap just in time for the older kids to get home from school and help with homework if necessary and start dinner early so I have plenty of time to finish. If my baby wakes up and starts getting fussy, I have to put a pause on dinner, and then usually my husband will come home eventually and take over - he helps finish dinner while I hold or play with baby. I used to get so stressed out if I couldn't finish, but now I realize I won't ever get this time again with the baby, so I should just re-focus my priorities and not worry so much. If dinner is late, it's late...and husband can help! Seriously- you can worry about being super om when they aren't so young - maybe when they are in school you can put up charts of after school activities, etc, but for now, take it easy!