Just Not Sure

I have to agree with everyone else. I have been divorced with one child, it's been 7 yrs now and there are still issues. The big/huge/gigantic difference is that I don't see my child everyday. I have custody but he is gone alternating major holidays and weeks in the summer. He misses picture day at school some years, and family reunions. Just things you can't even fathom. My ex was abusive to me. If yours isn't mentally or physically abusive, then really seek counseling and stop the blame game! Decide to try and just stop fighting. The changes that you make with make changes in him. If you can't afford the house you are in, let it go! Is it really worth it? I grew up in a mobile home and had an incredibly happy childhood. I got married and moved to a nice house and had a miserable marriage. It's not the things that make you happy, it's the less stress. When you argue, swallow your pride and apologize, even if you think you're right, it takes two to argue. I am happily married now, and we argue sometimes, and it takes a lot of work to keep things going. Go out on a date without the kids... start with a week-end trip, no problem discussion allowed, camping is cheap and make a point to agree with whatever he wants, what difference does it really make, reconnect. That's more important that which site the tent goes in. Good luck! Prayers your way.

Hi JD, I'm sorry for what you're going through. If you love your husband, then I think you should try and work things out, if you don't, its time to move on. I've been married for 28 years and I have gone from liking to hating my husband. I stayed with him for the kids, had a couple cousins who got divorced and I saw what it did to their kids and didn't want that for mine, so I stayed with someone who is a workaholic and cares for his job more than anything else on the planet. He never went to one thing the kids were in or did. But they weren't shuffled back and forth, didnt' get to play the if you don't dad will game. I planned on leaving when my kids were out of school, but now, I need to have his medical insurance. But hopefully someday soon, I'll be done with him. If you love him, I'd make a go of it, if not, I'd say good bye. Life is to short to be miserable. Fighting is normal, we don't believe it or not, we just don't talk. He stays in the basement and I stay upstairs, not a life I would wish on anyone. Good luck, I wish I had done things differently Sue

I am so sorry for what you are going through, financial problems are h*** o* a relationship. My husband lost his job a few years ago, and we are still feeling it. …and then we had our son, which only made the financial part even harder. There have been plenty of times where we both were ready to call it quits. One day we both just agreed to take the option off the table, to us divorce can not be an answer.
We found that every time we would fight the “D” word kept coming up, which only made the fight worse and about other things than the actual problem. We both agreed that getting a divorce was just too easy (not that a divorce is ever “easy” I know it’s not and am not trying to imply that it is). Just that we were fighting over stupid things all the time, and that for us it was harder to talk and deal with the problems. We both just wanted them to simply end and go away. And in a fight a divorce seems so much better than sticking with it. So now no matter how hard it is, or how long it takes we agreed to work it out.
Maybe you could try some counseling? Just don’t give up too easily. Try to think about all the reasons that you married him in the first place.
I hope it eventually works out for you.

Hi JD~
I HAVE been there. It sucks...no way around it! I was divorced with a child b/c I fell out of love with my husband. I questioned if I was really ever IN love, but who knows? You have to put some serious thought into whether this is something you can see living with forever or if you need to get out to make a life for your kids and yourself. Staying together for the kids is not healthy. They WILL get the picture that they are keeping you two together and if you are both miserable, what do you think that will tell them? As a Christian, I don't usually advocate divorce, but it's not that easy. Marriage counseling is great, but it won't work if you both aren't in it wholeheartedly. Things happen, people change and one person can't hold it all together even in the best of situations. Feel free to msg me and we can talk more. In the end, if your decision is what's best for you and your kids, it will be the RIGHT decision! If they see you working on your marriage and it lasts, what a powerful family dynamic you are creating for them!! On the other hand, if you stand on your own and make a family for you without him, you will show them independence and confidence and success. But by continuing to be unhappy, they will only learn to be stuck in unhappiness. From experience I MUST say; whatever you choose, show your spouse only respect and friendship NO MATTER WHAT (even if he doesn't give it back). Your kids are made from him and if you treat him badly, you are treating them badly. Good luck to you!
~L.

Hello - I just wanted to respond with some encouraging words for you. I have not been in this situation with my husband but I have helped friends that have gone through tough times. I don't know your situation completely but I always say to remember why you fell in love, why you married, why you had children together. We marry for the good, the bad, in sick and in health right? Not every moment is going to be the greatest but you have to learn to take the good with the bad. What my husband and I always do is make sure we communicate with eachother! Just this weekend we sat up late with each other, talked over a bottle of wine about everything that we needed - from work, money, the baby, the house, what I needed from him, what he needed from me. This helps us stay connected and open with eachother. We have a very strong love for eachother and have found that a new baby in the house has changed our focus - so our relationship has taken a backseat. It has been hard to adjust but we are learning and each day is a learning experience. If you and your husband can reconnect then great, but you have to want to first. If you don't then I don't know if any encouraging words will help. You have to want to make it work with your husband and work on it. Your relationship won't just stay the way it was when you married if you don't work at it. Good Luck. Stay positive and talk to your husband about how you feel.

Hello J.. D It sounds like to me you have already made your mind up. You have already takin the first step .. If you truly think that the financial situation was a large problem please take a look at this website . hope to hear from you soon C. ... Sometimes the unanswered prayers are the best ones because he is giving you an answer in a different way.
http://buildlastingsuccessteam.com/direct.php?id=B###-###...

It sounds to me like you still care for your husband, it is just that life has come between the two of you. I am not sure what your religious background is, but for me there were 3 books that helped me IMMENSELY after the birth of my daughter when my husband and I were arguing all the time. I found the answers I needed there and our relationship has never been better! The first one I read was "The Power of a Praying Wife" Then I read "A Woman After God's Own Heart" and finally I am now reading "Love and Respect" (which your husband should also read!!) Sometimes we all need to just learn how to fall back in love with each other! =)

I am so proud of you for sharing these hurts. It is not something that you can tell just anybody , and most people aren't in a position to help until it is too late.
Without knowing too much about you, I want you to try several things. And let me tell you that I have been experimenting myself, and so far, I have received a positive response from my husband.
1. Don't second guess your husband (this one is the hardest for me) Ask his opinion, and follow it. i usually want to give advice about everything.
2. Don't practice bitterness. Think happy thoughts about your husband, if you hear yourself rehearsing all things that he does wrong, remind your self of what a great guy he is. (okay I struggle with that one too)
3. Be happy to see him. Act as if you have been looking forward to seeing him all day. Have something ready for him that makes it seem as if you have been thinking about him, could be dinner, could be a drink, a treat, or a favorite movie(this one is more fun.
4. Make a point to be intimate. kiss like you mean it. rub his back. Have sex, whatever it takes.
5. be the best princess that you can and your prince will live up to how you treat him.

Remember that how you treat your husband is how your children will learn that marriages are supposed to be. Loving your husband isn't just a gift for the two of you, this is a gift that could impact generations.

i would be happy to share how these have impacted me, or help you walk through it daily. ____@____.com
S.

J D,

Have you tried marriage counseling or talking to your pastor? You mentioned that your husband is a great man and a wonderful father--those are positive terms you used. It sounds like a professional may be able to work out some of these issues. Try counseling for the sake of your family. I don't know what area you live in, but perhaps other moms on this site can suggest some good marriage counselors in your area. I would try my hardest to get some outside help before filing for divorce. At least by seeking help, you will always know that you did everything you could to save your marriage and so will your children. If your husband doesn't want to go to counseling, it's ok for you to go alone. I went through a divorce 10 years ago with one child. It was tough. Many challenging issues can arise after the divorce when children are involved--issues you'd never seen coming such as custody, new spouses, lifestyle changes, and so forth. Also, if you do reach divorce, it's very important to have a plan because you are starting your new life as a single parent. If you divorce, hopefully your ex is kindhearted enough to help in a smooth transition to make sure that you and the children have a stable home and live a lifestyle that you have grown accustomed to.

Good luck,

M C

Can you I.m me? My aim is unusedlove0612
My yahoo is imurbabyalways itd be easier if I could just ask u a few things. :)

I went through my divorce over three years ago because my husband cheated on me. I thought I could never trust him again and the consequences of being a single mother of two didn't come into consideration. I knew I had to get a divorce no matter what because how could I live with someone who could do that to me? Well, three years later he is remarried and I am still single trying to figure out if I did the right thing and should I have given him another chance. Please just be 100% positive that you want your life to change that drastically before you file for the big "D".

Hello JD-
You realizing that things are not working and admitting it is the hardest step, well it was for me. I am a single mom of a little girl who will be 3 in November, Her father and I divorced when she was 6 months old and got married when I was seven months pregnant with her. Add that up...not even a year! People often look at divorced parents (especially the mother if she wanted the divorce) as an "un-fit" mom for choosing a divorce over staying with the man for the "childs sake." But think of it this way, you are unhappy, no matter what the reason is, the fact is you are not happy and you do not see it working out with your husband. Do you want your children to grow up seeing their parents in a love less marraige? Kids learn by example, you choosing to be happy and making it happen makes you a better parent and gives the children a better home life.

I have not been in the exact same postition as u but i do know that u should not stay together for your kids. My parents did it & it was horrible for us kids. Have u 2 seen a financial expert to help you out? Alot of relationships go down the tubes due to money. But if there have been alot of awful things said back and forth, its so hard to get over w/o some therapy. Have you seen a marriage counsleor? If you chose to be without him, trust me you can do it, u have to learn that you dont need a man to make it. Im not talking just financial wise either. My husband and I split while we were dating. WE were living together & i had a daughter from a previous relationship that he had help me raise since she was 2. We broke up for a yr and in that yr, i found who i was. I didnt know who i was. Its silly but i really didnt. We r back together & happily married with another child now. But we both had to do some changing. I had to learn to live without him. I had to be me, not me with him, not me with a child, ME. Im sorry if i am rambling on but I know u can do it. Its hard at first but i know u can. I hope this helps a little bit and good luck to u.

Have you tried conseling? Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. I know it is hard to do, I went through it, but with a doper wife. I have custody. But if you can figure out what you two are fighting about, maybe you can fix it. I had to go through my own divorce, not recommended, and my parents divorces. If you take a look at things, most likely it is because you are struggling right now is why you could be fighting. I really hope it is not somneone being unfaithful, there would never be trust again. But if you two could step back and see what the problem is, you should be able to get a handle on it. Maybe spend a few days alone, just the two of you, no kids. Some alone time may be needed, it is important.

JD, I am so sorry for what you are going through, I know how difficult it is. If you are questioning it, then you are not there-which is a good thing. Divorce is so h*** o* the kids and I would encourage everybody to give it everything they had. Just wait it out-marriages go through seasons. I got divorced when my kids were 2 and 4. It was very difficult, but he wouldn't stop seeing his "friend" and calling her. I was even willing to work through that.

Anyhow, I got remarried to somebody who is wonderful to my children, but he got me into a huge financial mess in the last 2 years and I became very resentful. I moved my kids from their school/hometown to build this house that may now be going back to the bank, which I'm having a very hard time with. Anyhow, about 6 weeks ago I had made up my mind that I was leaving, I was so sick of the fighting, etc. I couldn't take it and everytime I came home to this house I couldn't stand him more.

My point is that finances can put a huge strain on marriages, I almost ended my 2nd one. We got another house and are slowly getting back on our feet again and after praying every night over and over to want to be married to my husband again, one morning I woke up and decided to be positive about things. It's been so much better since. It's been (and will be) a long road, but try-just for your kids. There are times I think I should have stayed married before. There is a book called "Love and Respect" - it's just great and SO VERY TRUE. Take a look at it and see if that helps any.

Good luck with everything, I feel your pain and my heart breaks for you. If you ever need anything, please feel free to email me at ____@____.com.

A.

I agree with everyone else that you should try marriage counseling. They can teach you how to communicate better, and even how to argue fairly and effectively. When times like this come up you really need to go back to what made you 2 fall in love. This can be really hard when everyday life gets in the way. Communiacting through e-mail or IM can be easier, because there is not a tone in your voice or his, and you have to think about what you are going to say before you type it. So maybe that is something you 2 can work on with a counselor. If you do not have insurance that will pay for it, there are many counselors that will charge cash patients a discounted rate so that it is affordable. I hope some of this helped:)

It can be so discouraging and hard to get along in marriage when you can't communicate respectfully with one another. But that doesn't mean your marriage is over, or that it is not fixable.

It's time to go get some help. A Marriage Counselor to work with both of you individually, as well as together may be able to get you back on track. It's not going to be a "quick fix" repairing the emotional damage done by all the fighting and argueing is going to take time.

You both need to recommit not just to your marriage but to your family.

Marriage and Family is not something you can just walk away from when it gets hard.

JD~
I have not been in your situation, however I just wanted to send along a hug. I am sure that it is very difficult and I just want to let you know I am thinking of you. Best wishes in however you work it out.

A.

Hi JD,
Like you said, every situation is different because of different circumstances. But me and my fiance' have had our times where we fight a lot too. And most of the time it is over financial problems. I would just take a look at the big picture. Can you really see yourself without him? Would the children be better off with or without a divorce? Divorce should definitely be a very last option. Try to talk with him and tell him how you are feeling. See if he is willing to try to fix things with you. If he shows that he wants to save the relationship, and if you want to save the relationship, than it will be really hard but you BOTH need to make some changes and stick to them. Try setting aside time atleast two nights a week to talk about how things are working out between the two of you. Communication and honesty are so important! I hope this might help you! Good luck!

Have you ever heard the story about the man who wanted to divorce his wife? He went to the counseler and said he just couldnt stand her anymore, She was a mean, cranky, wicked woman.She was not at all the sweet bride he had married years before. Well the counselor asked how the wife would be affected by this news, and the man said, "oh, she will be glad, she cant stand me either", the counselor said, "hmmm...surely your aim is not to make her happy, a woman you despise as much as you do her ", so the counselor shared his plan... The plan was that the man would spend the next several weeks making his wife fall in love with him, then when he filed for the divorce she would get what she deserved and really be hurt! Well several weeks passed and the man went back to the counselor . The counselor wondered if the plan had worked, the man broke down in tears as he shared the events of the past weeks with the counselor. He said he started to do the little things for her that he knew she loved, but he had purposefully withheld. And he stated to really listen to her, and respond to her like he use to. And it worked! She had fallen in love with him, but then something went terribly wrong!!! She started doing the little things for him, that she had withheld for so long, and she started to really listen, and respond to him like the sweet girl she use to be, and the whole plan backfired! He had fallen back in love with her. I love that story!

Hi there! I just wanted to say that when I read your post, I could totally relate. I feel the EXACT same way, and I'm glad that someone out there understands what I'm going through! My husband and I have been married for 6 years, and have two wonderful children. I really feel like we're not "in love" anymore. Yes, we love each other, but we're not IN love. My big issue though is that I'm not working right now, and I know I couldn't support myself and my kids if I left. If you ever want to talk, drop me a line. I'd be more than happy to listen, and maybe together we can figure out a way to get through this!

You know, I think I have been there before. Until you had mentioned buying the house, I had forgotten. Isn't it nice to think that is possible?
We were building a house behind my mother's house, which I wasn't very sure about at all, and the house we were living in was not selling. We owned two houses. Things were so bad between my husband and I, I had actually started wondering if we should even be selling the other house. It was seeming that perhaps we weren't both going to make it into the new house by the time it was finished being built.
The truth was, there was a lot more than financial stress going on. I had just lost 2 people that were very close to me. Many of my clients who lean on me heavily emotionally, they were going through divorces either while pregnant or shortly after delivery. I had to stop and think about what was really happening in my life, and if it was really my husband's fault. I started putting up clear boundaries with my friends and clients after that. I had none and it was ruining my life.
I also remember in the past, it was the house we were not supposed to buy that would set us off fighting (we have bought several houses. It happened enough that we noticed a pattern)As soon as we realized that we were getting hateful, we would back away from that particular house. It is too late for you to do that, and I can only imagine the temptation these days to buy more than you can afford because you can get a million dollar house for half that now. The only reason we kept on in our house process was because when it came to the house, we agreed on everything. It just seemed that other areas were bad.

Long story short, we celebrate our 14th anniversary next week. We came through the closest I have ever been to feeling like you do right now. trust me, I did, and I did not see the end in sight. I would never have imagined that I would be able to forget feeling the way I did at that moment.
How did I come through? I don't know. But we stuck in there. I think anyone that has kids that is thinking about divorce should go up to their local divorce courthouse and spend a day listening to your potential future. I have done that, and any fleeting thought that some might have that the grass would be greener...well if that doesn't change your mind then things really must be bad.