Just Alittle Sisterly Advice Please

Updated on March 01, 2007
R.L. asks from Elk Grove, CA
61 answers

I am a mother of 3 boys and i have been married for almost 10 years with alot of ups and downs, the last 2 years were bad. we are now seperated for the 2nd time in the last 2 years and he wants to come home. I am not feeling it anymore. the best way that i can describe my feelings about him and my personality is like when he is not around i am like "tigger" i am very happy an di feel like go go go and i just have an out going personality i feel so good like i am unstoppable an di can succeed at ahat ever i do. then when he is around i feel like "eyoere" i feel slow and depressed and grumpy all the time and i have no motivation i feel like all i do is yell at my kids and am always in a bad mood. he wants to go to counseling and try to fix things and i dont know what to do. has anyone ever experienced anything like this before? I am torn between what i want what feels right and what is right and fair to my kids. help any advice would be appreciated. thanks in advance.Thank you to everyone who has responed to my questiion however i think i need to explain more on why i feel the way i feel.
well when we got married he was a very mature and responsible guy. even after our 1st son then we got pregnant again and he started drinking and smoking weed then after my 2 nd son he strted going out alot all night and all day at work. but he would tell me i have nothing to complain about because he gives me his whole check.well that went on for about 2 years when i had my 3rd son and he totally went south on me everyday was a party to him. i stayed home cared for my kids , cooked, cleaned, laundry, the whole stay at home mom thing as well as i did the yard work i took the biys everywhere by myself and i would beg him to please babysit so i could just go to the store and get some groceries by myself. and he would always give me like a 20 min time frame and it had to be while the kids were asleep and if the kids were awake he would make them stay in there room until i got back. that was so i would hurry up. well long story short he lost his job for doing drugs and we lost our cars our house and everything we ever had we moved in with his parents i tried to understand and we kept trying then back on our feet he started lying to me that he was not doing drugs anymore when he was. and i found out that he was and he lied. we never fought unless i questioned what he was doing i caught him with girls calling his phone and he would tell me that it was the wrong number or he wouuld pop up with friends (new female) that i had never heard of. well finally we split up i spoke up and told him i was unhappy and he said he was unhappy and we split then during our split time he was with a different girl everynight and in clubs everynight partying and having fun. he left me to deal with the boys alone he rarly came around and called once or twice a week. then when things got bumpy where he was living he wanted to come home so i let him. well he moved back in in may 2006 things were ok but he still wanted to go out all the time and like i said if i questioned what he was doing we would fight so i said nothing. i was trying to be understanding. then in july we had a fourth of july party well he invited a few friends that i had never met and we were all talking and one of the wifes said to me " how long have you guys been dating?" I said excuse me who? and she said you guys. i told her we are not dating we have been married for alomost 9 years and she said what i have known him for years he use to date my friend i never knew he was married so that was it for me i just never said anything to him and let it fall apart. another thing that was disturbing to me is that he always told people he had one son when he infact has 3 and he would tell people that i was a crazy "baby mama" which is not true either. so that is alittle to add to my previously asked question. so now if anyone has any advice for my origianal question of should i give this another try or am i being selfish by letting go.

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D.H.

answers from Spokane on

If you decided to keep him I would make him take an STD test and then still not have him back. Sorry men who have kids and get married have no business out playing in the bars and "dating" other women while mom is home taking care of the kids so honestly honey "DUMP" him...........and I would say move on and get more of what you deserve which is not a cheating good for nothing "Loser."

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V.T.

answers from Fresno on

R.,
Girl, you've done way more than most of us would. It is not fair to raise your children with that type of role model. Do you want your sons to turn out like your "husband"? Dump him now and FOR GOOD! Sure, it will be a difficult transition and financially it could be challenging. But it's the only thing to do. Dump this free-loading druggie out of your children's lives!

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N.G.

answers from Sacramento on

I'm sorry I don't know you, but if you go back to him your a fool. My husband and I seperated in Oct 2006. To get some much needed space. My husband and I also have 3 kids. My husband comes over at least 4-5 days a week to help with the kids. He nor I ever went out with anyone else as far as dating, never once did either of us cheat. We would go out with each of our friends, but thats it. If he wanted to be with you he would not cheat, nor would you have strange women telling you "How long have you 2 been dating." I don't know your husbands side, but it sounds like the kids were to much responsability, and that happens to people, not just men not just women. Take my advise if he wanted to change he would have the first time you split. If you let him in you'll set yourself up for a fall.

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K.O.

answers from Portland on

Well, if he is your children's father, I don't see how counseling could possibly hurt. You don't have to get back together with him!!!!! You can do counseling while separated and it can possibly help you figure out why you are so surpressed when you are around him and such.

I'm sorry that it didn't work out. It is really hard to have to go through this once, let alone twice.

Good luck!

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P.W.

answers from Sacramento on

I'm not going through this myself, but my parents did when I was a kid. I think that the most important consideration is what situation provides the healthiest, most stable environment for your kids. Keep in mind that your kids will not be happy if you are unhappy. As a stranger, I won't try to guess what's in your heart, but it sounds like some solo counselling for just you might help you to figure that out. If, deep down, you are in love with your husband and want to make it work, then commit to that (assuming your husband is also serious about it and will commit). But if you've had it and your heart says no, staying in a loveless marriage will only hurt your kids in the long run. There is nothing easy or fun about a divorce, especially when kids are involved, but I think that more damage is done when they learn from you that a normal marriage is dysfunctional. I wish you and your boys all the best during this incredibly difficult time.

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V.D.

answers from Seattle on

my advice is that you should do what feels right. truth is its better for your kids that you be happy. kids easily get stuck in the middle of a bad relationship, and it hurts them far more to see their parents together and unhappy then apart and happy. two households are not as bad as they sound.

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K.P.

answers from Phoenix on

R.,
My inital response to you as a mother is run...that jerk doesn't deserve someone as patient and understanding as you so obviously have been to him. But more importantly I want to tell you your story reminds me of my own childhood. My mother stayed with my father and it was the worst thing she ever could have done for me and for her. I love my mom dearly but as a woman it was hard for me not to lose all respect for her. My childhood was miserable listening to the arguing and watching my father treat my mother the way he did. You will not be doing your babies any favors by staying in that situation. Only you can decide what to do....and I hope you find happiness in whatever you decide. Good luck and god bless!

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D.G.

answers from Portland on

If you are miserable, Your kids are miserable. I do think that you could try counseling, but he does not have to come home to start that. If you are considering giving him aother chance I would stipulate you go to counseling for awhile before you let him even talk about coming home. His behaviour as you have stated it is hazordous to the emotional, physical and developmental well being of your family. Your job is to protect your children and yourself and as it stands he is a danger. I think I would also insist he complete a legitimate rehab and take random drug testing to show he is no longer using. You know you can buy drug tests at wal mart these days. Your sons only stand to be hurt and disappointed by a father that won't admit he has more than one and isnt consistant with his time and love.

Good luck. I know this is never fun.

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L.G.

answers from Seattle on

Whoa girl.... this is my first time responding since I joined up. My advice? Dump him now and do it FAST. How many children did you say you had? Sounds like 4 not 3 to me. I think about the time you had your first he started seeing you more as a mother than as a wife. The sooner you get him GONE the better. Why should he be YOUR problem? To him you are nothing but a meal ticket or a place he can go when things get bad. You never said what kind of a Dad he was but if he won't help you watch the kids I bet he isn't much of one. You have a chance at a good life and you can do it better without he bum. THAT'S my sisterly advice! L. G

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K.D.

answers from Reno on

As a child from a home where my parents stayed together but were not happy, I say if you no longer love him then be honest with yourself, your husband, and your children. Being in a home where thier mom is unhappy is not "fair" to your children. If you can seperate paecefully and make it as friendly as possible that is what is best for your children. Seeing a happy Mom and Dad rather than a miserable relationship will be better for all involved! Good luck and I wish you happiness.

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B.M.

answers from Seattle on

If this has been an ongoing thing and he's showing no signs of settling down, do yourself and your sons a favor and get out. If his behavior had been a one-time or one-season thing, I'd tell you to try again and seek a good councellor. Yes, it is usually best to try and keep a marriage together for many reasons (especially when there are children involved). But staying with a man who is acting like that and won't be accountable for his behavior is more destructive to your life and the lives of your sons than getting out would be.

It's always sad when a marriage falls apart, and when there are children involved it's even worse. But look at the damage a father/husband like that could do in your sons' lives.

Don't fight about what he does anymore, just walk away. It would be best for you and your sons. Wishing you the best of luck, and sending some prayer your way. -B.-

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C.D.

answers from Las Vegas on

No, you're not being selfish for not wanting him back! He's being selfish by letting you deal with all the responsibilities while he goes and parties.If someone told me my husband was dating her friend, or did half of the things yu just described I would be gone so fast without thought. My father decided after having three kids that he should be able to party and do drugs. Because of him, we lost almost everything. My mom took us and left. She raised the three of us own her own, put herself through school and is now teaching at a college with her masters and MFA. After watching my mom do all that, I feel like there's nothing I can't do. She never spoke a bad word abut my father and let him see us when ever he wanted, which wasn't tht often. I didn't even know the things he put her through until I started my own family. She also is married to the true love of her life that treats her like the queen that she is.

This guy doesn't deserve another chance. I can only imagine how hard it is raising 3 boys on your own, but your children need positive role models in his life and your husband doesn't sound like one, at least right now. My advise, let him be the father and find someone who deserves you!

C.

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J.H.

answers from Portland on

I'm sorry that you have been treated like that. I've been married 16 years and I stuck by my husband through a drug problem. He also left me alone all the time after having 2 daughter, I know how awful it is to feel left behind. That's were the similarities stop. I stayed with my husband because I believed he would see the light and straigten up and be the good husband he was for 5 years. And he did, he worked his way back to being his old self. Your husband has lied to you and cheated on you and makes you miserable. He is not worth it, his problems seem to go beyond drugs, he wants to be able to do what he wants to do. I'm all for giving second chances, I think he had his and blew it. Think about you now, think about what makes YOU happy. You owe him nothing.

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C.S.

answers from Las Vegas on

R., my first reaction is THIS IS GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE! But, if he really wants to come home to his family and you are willing to work on it, I think he needs to fix his problem first. There is no selfishness on your part, so you have to let go of that feeling. He has a drug problem you mentioned which needs some attention. But keep in mind, you can't fix his problem, he has to WANT to fix his problem first. There are AA meetings all over, point him in that direction and see if he is willing to do it. All he has to do is find a meeting and walk in, they will welcome him. If it were me...I would not allow him back home until he has done something to fix him. He is a big boy, he will be fine out there where he has put himself to begin with. Be Strong!!!

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S.V.

answers from Portland on

I don't believe it is healthy to raise children in a family that fights, lies, cheats and does drugs. It is OK for you to leave him. You should feel good about yourself for having the strength to do what is right for you and your children. Encourage him to go to counseling, and continue to allow him to see his children, (in a way that you are comfortable with). Never talk bad about him to your kids, because it is you they will end up resenting when they are grown. Good luck and take care of you and your children first. Husbands deserve to be equal in priority only when they treat you and the children equally.

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A.G.

answers from Seattle on

I am sure you have gotten a ton of advice. You intially said you felt torn "between what i want what feels right and what is right and fair to my kids. "

What is fair to your kids is to have a stable loving family. Your husband was not providing that. His actions are teaching exactly opposite of what you believe is right. You deserve better. Your children need to know his behavior is unacceptable and we deal with consequences of our choices.

Best luck to you.

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T.Q.

answers from Stockton on

Hi R.,
You answered your own question...you are happy and full of energy without him. So your probably a better Mom without him, because you aren't yelling, or moody, or depressed. That will mean more to your kids then you being with their Dad that makes you feel that way. I believe in second chances, but it seems like he abused that. Let him go... Be strong and leave him. Let him just be your kids father. You deserve better. You need to be happy first, then your kids will be happy a long with you.

Take Care, T.

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

Based on his past behaviour I say his man is not able to change. Quoting Dr. Phil, "he doesn't get it." meaning he doesn't understand how to have a good relationship. I wouldn't waste any more energy or time on him. Get on with your life. I'm so glad that you feel like Tigger. Keep feeling that way.

I'm a retired police officer and I've learned from experience that men who lie and cheat and use drugs very rarely change. There is something missing in their psyche.

M.

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H.P.

answers from Portland on

R.,
You have put up with way more than a lot of wifes have! I don't mean to sound harsh but you have let him walk all over you. It is time for you to step up and have some pride. Use that back bone that God gave you and kick him to the curb once and for all! Yes, it will be hard for you and your boys but from the sounds of things, he has not been there much for your kids or for you anyway. It also sounds like you are a much better mom and person when he is not around, dragging you down. You are a strong, confident, and self dependent woman and its time you showed him that! Good Luck R.! Be Strong and Trush Yourself!

H.

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R.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

I know this goes against what you have been hearing and if I were not a psychologist I probably would not be saying this. If he is willing to go to counseling give it a try. It may end up that the marriage will not make it but in counseling you can learn about the mistakes that you both made and decrease the liklihood that you will choose the wrong man in the future. I have worked with many couples and I am constantly astounded to see marriages that end up working out with a lot of dedication.

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L.F.

answers from Fresno on

I hate the fact that guys think of it as "babysitting" My ex told me that one time and I went off!! I said your not getting paid to watch your own kids as---le it burned me so bad. I know how you feel about him lying about how many kids he has. 8 mths after me and my ex broke up I found out that his "new" chick didn't know he had kids, he didn't think I would find out, but I did and I called him out on it too. I told him fine sign over custody to me and it will be like you never had them since you don't let people know you do!! His answer was it never came up. You deserve so much better and congrats for trying to stick with him, you put up with a lot no one deserve to be treated or takin advantage of like that. It sounds like you know what your doing and like your a great mom. I know it might be a little hard on the kids but that only last awhile and they adjust there actually a little better at adjusting then we are sometimes. who knows maybe he'll reliaze he messed up big time and change for the better or he might get worse but thats not your problem anymore yes you still care you always will but just focus on yourself and your kids and everything will be ok.

Take care and keep up the great work.

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N.K.

answers from Los Angeles on

You said it yourself, you're happier without him. I can't believe you would even think of calling yourself selfish. You are going to be a better Mother to your boys if you are happy. Obviously this guy just brings you down. Let Go! Take care and Good Luck.

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B.D.

answers from Portland on

Listen to your heart. Kids are more flexable than we give them credit for. If it's not there, it's not there. If there is even a glimmer of hope in your heart that you can be happy with him then give it a try. Remember that if you aren't happy then the kids feel it and they won't be happy either. Many kids deal with seperated parents and come out groovy. As long as the kids are first in the lives of both parents and you both strive to make sure that they know they are important to you things will work out. My best advice to you is Show the kids love love love and your choices will not effect so much as you may think. Lots of good wishes for your future, B.

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K.S.

answers from Seattle on

So, here's the thing, people can change, but they have to want to. If someone says they want to, that doesn't matter. It's in the actions. Also, if it is a control issue, that can be very frustrating. Some people just want to keep things the way they are to have a sense of c ontrol. I wish i could say I hadn't sort of "been there and done that" with a guy, but i have. It lasted abt 4-5 years. I felt no control, and it killed my self-esteem. Eventually, i left him, when i got pregnanIt was shortly after that, I met my husband. Anyway, if you feel more positive without this person around, maybe you should look at why? I learned that we all choose our attitude and how we act around other people. That means he does, and so do you. There could be tons of things like fear and frustration and all kinds of other emotions contributing to the situation and making it seem worse. One thing i can say is our daughter is not my husband's biological child. However, i was pregnant when we met and began dating. In our eyes she is HIS in a very real way. I walked away from her biological father for many of the same reasons you mentioned. My theory is, once a liar always a liar. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I really am grateful that I walked away. I was extremely scared and preparing to become a single mom, but I knew both she and I were better off w/o that stress. Whatever decision you make, i'll keep you in my prayers. Stay positive though... It isn't easy, but it is very important for your own well-being and your children's too.

K

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C.G.

answers from Seattle on

Sweety, if I could see you in person right now, I would give you a great big hug!! No woman should have to go through this!! Women have been raising kids for years all by themselves, and now that you have all of us here, you don't have to do it alone!! I was in the same situation with my daughters father, except that we were never married, and I was only 19 when I had my daughter. He was into really young girls, so I would come home from being the main supporter, and he would have girls that weren't even out of high school over, and he would go out on nights even that I told him not to. I finally said enough is enough, and I left him, and I haven't heard more than 12 words a year from him in the last 4 years!! Now, all that I get from him is $71.00 a month in child support that he would not even be paying if it weren't for his 20 year old girlfriend!! (which, by the way, JUST turned 20 last month!!) Just do what is best for your babies, and everything will turn out okay. Now, I have a house and a great man that supports every single thing that I do!!

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A.M.

answers from San Diego on

Sweetie, I am a firm believer in marriage, etc but it takes two. Been there, done that and let me tell you, it's not healthy or fair to you or your children to continue putting up with nonsense. It may be hard but go ahead and do you! It's better for your sons to have one stable parent than two that are unhappy and unstable. Try your best to be pleasant and be cool with their dad but don't put yourself through anymore. I suggest talk therapy; if you are unable to pay for it yourself, there are resources out there for you and the kids. Still, the choice is yours and yours alone to make. Best wishes and God speed!

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T.R.

answers from Portland on

oh girl i would so let it go. be happy for your kids, and it sounds like you are happy when hes not around. give those boys a good life that they deserve and its time to throw out the trash.its only gonna get worse, you only live oncce so girl get out there and live it happy!!!! good luck T.

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R.B.

answers from Portland on

Not much I can tell you otehr then Im a 24 yr old female with an 18 month old daughter and My husband and I after 5 yrs of marriage mutualy decided to seperate. We still love each other, but no longer are IN love with each other. In the begining I felt speflish and like a failure, but after alot of thinking and talking I relized Im neitehr. Im just someone that relized I deserve to be happy and if this isnt where Im happy then I need to find where that place in my life is. Its been VERY hard for me, but I am slowly getting into things and even starting to try to date again. its hard, but you just have to keep reminding yourself inorder to be a good mother you have to love yourself enough to do what makes you happy other wise you will be a shell of a person and you and your kids deserve more then that.

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S.J.

answers from Reno on

I thin k you should let it go honey he has already treate you like this plenty times before you giving it another try means your agreeing to him treating you this way!!!

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N.E.

answers from Los Angeles on

I read just about all the responses to this, and I have to say that i'm with the majority here--leave and never regret doing so. This man lost your home, your vehicles, your stability. What kind of man, who has any sort of consideration and love for his family, does that? If you don't love him, then I think your question should be "what is best for my son's?" And that is simple. Your son's deserve a loving environment, stability, and a happy parent(s). Your sweet boy's may be hurt over a divorce, but it's nothing like they would be growing up in an unhappy home with a father that cheats on their mother, does drugs, and abuses alcohol. In fact, growing up around that kind of behavior will make them more likely to repeat the behavior of their father, and any sensible mother knows that is not how you want your son's to be.

Obviously this is a very personal, and hard decision for you to make, and as easy as it is for me to sit here and tell you to leave him for good, I know that this is not easy at all for you. Your boys are what is most important, and I hope that you do what is best for them, and not what is best for your husband since he's obviously not given much of a thought about what is best for you, or those boys. I wish you the best, and I hope that you can find peace with whatever it is you decide to do. ((HUGS))

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V.R.

answers from Honolulu on

Sorry girl,
but you need to get away from him. He isn't doing a thing for you and it will just get worse. Let it go. Don't let him back in the house. You will do better without him. Been there done that. Move on with your life and the life you have with your boys.

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Y.M.

answers from Portland on

Is this an issue about POWERLESSNESS?

You haven't made it clear what the problem is, but all problems have one thing in common and that's powerlessness. It's not a happy feeling to have about something.

Is there a problem or a behavior that he's doing that you feel powerless about... and depressed about... like as if he'll never change... never be able to stop... never be able to give you what you want/need and it stresses you out? And all you can do is just accept him as he is... totally missing the mark with you... not getting it... unwilling to change...?

A man can give you the world...

like plugging into the family
spending time with the kids
helping around the house
sitting quiet to listen to you
buying you gifts
completing all of the home repairs

but,

if he's not transparent about himself, open about his life, telling you where his heart and mind are at, what he really wants out of life,

then a big something is missing.

And that big something is true intimacy. If that is missing, it really is something to feel eyoere about.

I always tell my husband.... how can I celebrate your victories with you? How can I know just how big the victory is, if I don't know how dark and low the valley was? I need him to share his heart with me even with his words, just as much as with all of the chores that he does.

Both words and actions can bring bring life to a relationship. But, if the motive is not sincere. If it's full of manipulation and deception, then both words and actions mean nothing at all.

Have you seen the Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Raymond is vaccuming the curtains and his wife says, "I've never found you to be so sexy in all my life."? I dispute that theory. I just happen to be the kind of wife that's a little bit more fussy than that.

Because there are some of us who have husbands that do everything typically right. And other ladies will tell us that we are lucky to be blessed with a man that does so much and wants to provide. But, there's something missing. If he's vaccuming the curtains, but he's not forthcoming, he's holding himself back, keeping secrets, and just over compensating by cooking, cleaning, going to counsiling, "giving you the world", then things are just not right. He's not giving you the one thing you need. And that's his heart, his personal truth, his sincerity, his integrity, his joy, his trustworthiness, his priority, his loyalty, his faithfulness. The behavior is right but the heart is wrong.

And this works both ways. I am aware that there are some women out there that have a personal agenda also, that are not entirely sincere in their relationships also. Things are really amiss when both parties are checked out like this, running their own agenda.

But if you're not one of those types, so often we try to achieve intimacy by opening up our own hearts and we follow advice from others about what to do to please our spouses. He may follow the advice to ask for counsiling. You might follow the advice to have sex with him come rain or shine. You might both try to do the right thing. But, it still doesn't fix the problem. You still feel empty. It's like as if we go about throwing out fishing lines criss cross all over the place, but the fish are not biting the line.

One of the worst forms of false intimacy is to try and purchase each other's attention/affection, like the vaccuming situation where he cleans the house in hopes of a sexual trade off. If that's the end all be all of things, forget about it. That's just my opinion. I personally, don't want to be bought, bribed, guilted, into sex or "gift giving". Even if it's just for my attention and affection, manipulation just turns me off and makes me feel yucky.

Yes, I am such a fussy wife. Some women don't even understand me. How in the world would my poor husband understand me.

I don't know about you, but what I need in my life is true graciousness. It makes me feel good to serve my husband and family out of true graciousness and when things "feel right", it's when I'm receiving it back too. It just flows, without much effort; with no expectations. My life is never more joyous as when I feel free and there is an exchange of unconditional love.

Maybe, that's what being on your own does for you. It gives you a sense of freedom, which makes you happy. It also may give you a sense of power over the direction of your life, in which you don't have to "settle" for a relationship that is amiss. And along with the space, the distance, the time to yourself to refresh and regroup, you are able to re-engage with him and with the children from a place of graciousness. Because, it's by your choice, your management, when you want to and when you don't want to. I can totally understand why you might feel more joyous on your own. Intimate, volnerable, interdependent, relationships really are a challenge.

I've given a lot of opinion. My only advice I would give you is to pray about it and give it some time to think about it.

Here's a great prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

And then wait for that wisdom to come. It will. God is faithful, marriage is important to him, and more importantly, you are important to him.

Without reciting scripture, or making anything complicated, or religious, I can only tell you from experience, that God want's the best for you. He wants you to BE the loving, gracious, joyous, liberated (which is also called "free" or not oppressed)women he intended you to be -whether you are married or not, whether you have kids or not, whether you have a carrier or not, no matter what.

God bless, Y.

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I.V.

answers from San Francisco on

R.,

I too have been in a relationship that has been hurtful and wondered if I should give it another try, I have 2 kids, 7 yr old boy and a 3 yrd old girl. I definetely do not want to get hurt again and neither do you. I do not know what your husband is thinking but if he wants to get help don't discourage him, if you are doubting to let go its because deep down you want him to change and be happy with him, so I suggest you find help too. Dont move in with him before he shows he is sincere and he truly wants to change. Let him know it is not going to be easy. If you give it another try don't forsake what will happen, don't assume he will not change, I would like to share a website that might help you, I say might because you can only get the help you want when you are open to receive it. I truly see that you can change this bad hurdle in your marriage and turn it around. Let GOD help you with this one, trust me, there is an evil force out there that wants to destroy our marriages so that our children can be easy prey, don't let that happen, you have the power of changing that, if you need to talk you can call me ###-###-#### home pls leave a message I screen my calls I will return your call, or email me at [email protected]____.com, God bless you and your family,

with love a new friend, I. Vargas

please visit http://www.family.org/socialissues/A000000440.cfm

I believe you can give your marriage another try with the help of God. There is no impossible to GOD, he is the only one that can change your husband, good lcuk with everything.

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J.C.

answers from San Francisco on

Let go. You are not being selfish AT ALL. I am a HUGE advocate of a family consisting of a married mother and father...but I think there are times when it is not the best thing for the family. It sounds like he doesn't contribute anything except heartache and stress. He doesn't want to be married with children (lying about having one child, not three shows that clearly) and he simply doesn't deserve you or your boys. BE TIGGER!!!

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T.W.

answers from Medford on

first let me start by saying that by no means do I think that you should get back together, however, I think that counsiling is a great idea for him. there is a really big red flag that is going up in your story and that is that he started out great to your first son and then went downhill and I am sure that he is doing more than pot. (bringing those kind of friends into your house is a really bad idea btw) but here's the kicker he only says that he has one son as if he has forgotten the other two the ones that were born when his problems were starting. I think that maybe the drugs may not be the cause of his prob. and that he may have some underlying prob. that has caused him to turn to drugs I don't want to sound like a pessamist but I have heard of brain tumors that can cause sudden and even gradual personality changes and even block the ability to develop new memories my idea is that you insist that he visit some doctors talk to his family about it and get him some help a person who locks there children in a room for no other reason than to torment you and not deal with them is not normal. I hope that this helps don't beat yourself up you deserve happiness and so do your kids.

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M.L.

answers from Las Vegas on

OH R.,
Please get rid of him. I am doing the same withmine. They are not worth our lives, if it is dragging you down and he doesn't care for your children. Thats his problem not yours, You have given him plenty of time to get it together. And with him not helping you with your boys. Why is he there. He's using you once again. He has no where to go. So he needs a place and you are it. Don't allow him to do this to you our your boys. What more do i have to say, is this. He is selfish and he needs to fall on his butt to even be good for himself. But as you go on your daily schedule with raising your boys and enjoying your freedom, don't believe in anything he has to say. They will lie to you to get what they want, and not what is best for you or your boys. He is needing a place not a wife, let him go he isnt worth yor time anymore. Remember we only have one life to live and dang we need to start living it. I'm leaving my husband this summer I've been the one carrien the ball, supporting him as he lays around doing whatever he wants, and he has chased my 18 yr old away from me, with his actions. So please i understand a USER, let him not come back at all.

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J.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi R.. I feel like this is a devine appointment for us. I have never been married, but I have been your situation before with the father of my 5 children. We were sweetheart and eventually children without marriage. I lived my life to please him. He was abusive and he was also an alcoholic. She smoked weed when he was younger, but stopped when I gave him an ultimatum. Anyway during the relationship he became more abusive (physically, mentally, and emotionally), I left him on many occassions and went back. I took my 5 children 10 years ago and never went back. Between the times I left him and went back, I kept telling him if he don't change I will leave. He never wanted to do anything to change. The last time I went back, God showed me something about myself. God gave the strength I needed to wallk and not return to him. God showed me I didn't Love myself. Now that I have come to know Jesus and who I am in him and He in me - I know he wasn't the man God gave to be my husband. Your situation is still different from mine being you are married. The Bible said adultry is a reason for devorce, but if you love each other and are willing to get counsel to work it out God will honor that. I don't know what your faith is but I believe you should counsel from the church. If you need help with a good church with marriage counsel (and feel like you can't go to your pastor) I can refer you to one. If you feel you can't forgive what he has done with the other women god will also honor that as long as you are sure he has committed adultry. What God has joined let no man tear it apart. I didn't quote that correctly, but if God wants you to work it out it will happen and if he don't want you to stay with him no matter what you do It will not work out. My suggestion to you is to go before God with you honest request, spend time with him in the word. No one can help you make that decision. Trust me, God eill let you know, either He will put peace in your heart about the decision you've already made, He will give you ascripture to read to give you the answer. I have more to say, but I have to leave to pick up my son from school. My cell # is ###-###-####. I will continue it later on.
Peace be with you,
J. Mitchell

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K.R.

answers from Seattle on

I think you need to get rid of him. He has no respect for you or your boys. It doesn't sound like he plans of changing at all. I think if you want to get ahead and make a good life for your sons then you need to seperate yourselves from him for good. Maybe you need to move to where your parents or some other family live to get back on your feet. I will pray for you and your sons.

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E.A.

answers from Los Angeles on

HELLO R.
IM SORRY TO HEAR THAT THIS IS HAPPING TO YOU.BUT GIRL I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.ITS HARD BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST LET HIM GO. OBVIOUSLY HE NEEDS HELP.HE JUST MIGHT NEED SOME KIND OF REHAB OR SOMETHING.I WAS ON BOTH SIDES OF YOUR SITUATION.I WAS A DRUG ADDICT.AND ONCE I WENT REHAB AND WORKED A PROGRAM I LEARNED I WAS LIVING LIFE WRONG.AND IM A DIFFERANT PERSON TODAY.BUT YOU NEED TO KNOW YOU CANT FIX HIM.HE HAS TO WANT TO GET HELP.SO UNTIL HE GETS HELP I SAY YOU SHOULD JUST GO ON WITH YOU AND YOUR KIDS.ITS HARD FOR US TO GO THROUGH THIS BUT JUST THINK HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOUR KIDS.STAND YOUR GROUND.YOUR A MOTHER NOT A GIRLFRIEND.YOUR KIDS COME FIRST.I KNOW IT SOUNDS HARSH BUT IT IS THE TRUTH.I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY IN MY LIFE.YOU CAN DO IT.YOU DONT DESEVER TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT,NOBODY DOES.SO PICK YOUR HEAD UP AND LIVE YOUR LIFE.HAVE FUN WITH YOUR KIDS.IF YOU EVER NEED ME IM HERE.I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS.

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L.M.

answers from Portland on

I don't think that you are being selfish. I think that your husband is unwilling or scared to grow up. The thing is you can't have a marriage without trust and communication. If you guys do give it another chance,could you seriously be able to trust him when he leaves the house. Secondly, you mentioned that he only tells his friends that he had one son, It sounds to me like he doesn't want to be tied down, so to speak. I would start to take the necessary steps to getting out on your own. It will be hard and scary, but who knows you may meet that one man that will love you and respect you and give your boys the stability and love that they deserve from a father.
But remember, your husband will always be your boys father and he will see the consequences to his current choices in the years to come. Good luck.

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M.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

I would let him go. Don't take him back, you already know how it will be-awful! I think it is best if you and your boys are happy. It seems like you are the happiest when he is not around. Don't get me wrong, I am all for marriage, but you don't know if he will change or not. One thing you might ask yourself is how are your sons when he is around?

Hope this helps.

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V.N.

answers from Los Angeles on

well I hope you don't take this wrong but My mom after 25 years of marrige finally left my dad He went out every night had affairs with other woman and my mom stayed for us ( my 2 sisters and me) my dad never was home and payed no attention to my sisters and I but my mom felt that she just had to be strong but the reality is now without my dad My mom is so happy and free when she was with him she was very unhappy and depressed always looked sad and now she is living for herself , my sister, and our children and she is a better person without him as for my sisters and me we are happier without him also wishing my mom had done it sooner so I say lose him he is not only dragging you down but he will eventually drag your kids with him and the stress he puts on you will also affect your kids you have been a GOOD wife and mother to try a couple times but you know what you feel and you should go with your instincts and leave you will be better for your kids and that is who now you need to think of if he is denying them then he obviously isn't there for them make arrangements so he feels like the kids are there to be seen by him and you are not taking them away but it is time for you and your kids happiness and stop trying to live for him it is not working My sister divorced when my niece now 15 years old was 5 at the time she was living the same life as you and she didnt leave with all her stuff just her daughter and herself left everything behind because she was still trying to please him and now she says if she could do it all over she would have cut all ties and left with all her stuff in hand and said forget him so what I tell you is Move on and make your life for you and your kids you have done all that you could.... A little thing to think about..... say you stay together will you ever question when he is not at home or when his phone rings will you ever really feel the same again..????? Answer that question and be honest to yourself and that is the answer to your question
Hope this helps and like I said I didnt want this to sound rude just make you think...

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S.T.

answers from San Diego on

Girl run with your kids and don't look back. Apparently he is not serious enough to quit the drinking and druging along with the women chasing to be good for you or your boys. Any man that loves his family wouldn't do to them what he has done to you. Girl get out and try to build a life your boys can be happy in. It seems they are much happier with you and as long as you keep your head on straight they will do fine.

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S.M.

answers from Chico on

After many failed relationships and a hard first three years of marriage, I know that every relationship has it's ups and downs...however, if someone makes you feel like "eyoere" all the time...not a good situation.

If you can, take some time alone and think WHY are you like "eyoere" and/or "tigger". Are you suffering from depression or is it truly how you feel in those situations. If it is most certainly the latter...don't take him back.

I only say this because I come from a family where my father "got tired" of being a dad and left us every six to nine months. My mother took him back "for the children"...let me tell you, I knew when I was eight years old that they should just get a divorce...but they waited and continued the same pattern until I was 16. Talk about abandonment issues! I had the hardest time learning to trust that anything and everything wasn't temporary; or that I was worth sticking around for (my poor husband!) :)

So, my advice would be to make sure that it is how you feel (you could always take him back and make it be known to him...and yourself...that it is ABSOLUTELY the last try, if you want to take another go at it) and find out in your soul of souls what it is that makes you feel these feelings...and stick to it. Whatever you do, please don't just stay together for your boys.

Good luck, I feel for you.

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S.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hello,

I don't think Staying for the children is ever a good idea, Seeing there parents unhappy together is worse than having them happy apart. If you feel you've given all you can and it's not in you anymore then your not being selfish at all.
If there father is doing drugs it's probably best that they are not living in that enviroment. If he wants to seek counseling thats wonderful he needs to do that regardless if you stay together or not to get healthy for his kids. sometimes people don't realize that when you get hurt after awhile the damage is done and sometimes it cant be forgiven. I don't like giving the advice to seperate but, sometimes it's for the best. Pray about it.
I hope everything works out.
S.

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M.H.

answers from Seattle on

No. I don't think you should get back together with him. It sounds like he doesn't have any regard for you OR your kids. Believe me...them not having a father like that around all the time is NOT necessarily a bad thing. They will learn from their dad so if you don't mind your sons treating women like he treats you, then stay with him. You are not being selfish by letting him go. Actually, I think it would be selfish of you to let him back IN!

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M.W.

answers from Spokane on

If you ask God, he will answer.

I know the easy answer is to just get out and go on with your life. What do you feel in your heart? I don't think you two should live together just yet. If he wants counselling then great he will pay for it. You should forgive him but that dosn't mean you need to put up with more. He should prove himself before you endure any more pain. Most importantly you are your children's role model and they will see that there father isn't supposed to act the way he did, and men are to respect women. Tigger don't be sad, it might be hard to go through all of this but you are not alone. Get your spunk back and focus on you and your boys. You only have one life to live so make it great!

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J.M.

answers from Portland on

Don't let him back in. You go live your life and be happy. Take care of those 3 boys and cherrish them. You have been on your own anyway and you DO NOT deserve this. You are better then that!

J. A.

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D.C.

answers from Fresno on

I also don't think you two should be together. It's healthy for the kids and it certainly doesn't sound fun for any of you, except for your husband. If your best friend came to you with this problem, I bet you'd tell her she deserves better ... and YOU do! Show your boys that men shouldn't treat women the way you've been treated. Good luck!

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C.M.

answers from Portland on

I do not believe in divorce unless you have done every thing possible to make it work,however in your case..DUMP THE LOSER.You deserve way better then what you are being given.Move on and find someone who cares about you and your kids and treats you with love and respect.Good luck to you and your kids. I know divorce is hard so be kind to yourself and stay close to your kids. They will need you.

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J.E.

answers from Seattle on

How can there even be a question!
Dump him and get an education, so your sons will grow up to be decent human beings that wont treat women like dogs.
J.

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K.L.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi,
I have been in a situtation close to wht you are talking about. I know where you are. Your judgement gets clouded and you feel it's your fault. Read carefully IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
Please, try Al Anon. It helps change the way we look at things and lets us know we are worthy of healthy relationships with people who will love us in a healthy way. I bet it takes you reading your own letter to realize his behavior is so crazy; am I right? I found love and peace in the Al Anon family it's worth a try. The recorded information number for Contra Costa County is ###-###-#### You know that no one can tell you what to do, you have to find your own course, what feels right at the right time. Please remember (and I write this on my mirror so I can read it every morning) You are Beautiful, Smart, and Worth it; You are loved. Good luck finding your path and God Bless

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S.B.

answers from Chico on

Hi R.,

I am so sorry your in the situation your in. I am a counselor and if you were my client I would tell you to RUN. He is very abuseive to you and your children. I am also a survivor of a very abusive relationship and your husbabd sounds like my ex right before he started hitting me. Trust me you should leave for yourself and especially your boys, I'm sure you don't want them growing up thinking that it is OK to treat women like your husband treats you.You are the example not your husband boys look to thier mother for guidance.They have eyes and I'm sure they are using them. Good Luck and I hope you are helped soon. oh yeah your strong and when Mom is Happy everyone is Happy. Thats what my sons tell me and thier 6 and 13.

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M.G.

answers from Medford on

I have felt that way. My husband was forced out of Navy for disabilities. When he was away I felt so wonderful, experienced life to the fullest and when he came home permanantly it was miserable. I had to deal with his depression and his issues. I have tried to kick him out several times over those years.
My opinion for you especially since he s not living with you. Find out if he is serious about counseling. Make an appointment and go. Don't let him move in till you are ready for him to be there and until you figure out how you truly feel. Counseling may help you determine if there is hope for your marriage or if its better to dissolve it. I know i struggled and wanted to make sure I was doing the best as possible for my daughter. We are in counseling and in our case it is helping. But you never know till you try. Hang in there, M.

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T.B.

answers from Stockton on

As much at I hate to say it.... He needs to go. All I see is that he wants his cake and eat it to. Not a good rollmodel for your boys. Boys watch their fathers and do what they do.I know that you want them to grow up to be good men. When their father grows up or sees that you don't need him. He may change but it's not over night.Be the strong women you are.And let him go.

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D.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

For Your sake and your sons sake, Let him go....I know it probably doesnt feel right giving up on your relationship but he has given it up a long time ago, and think about it, do you really have a relationship anyway? I can give you this advice because I have been married 24 years now with 2 sons, most of it has been a happy marriage, and that is because I would never, ever, put up with this sort of behavior from my husband, I suppose he loves my boys and I enough to where he would never act this sort of way. You should think about that. I promise you, your boys are better off with a happy and worry free mom, than to have a miserable mom and dad....They will understand when they get older....I wish you strength, and I hope you get through this, I am here for you should you need to talk,,,,sincerely [email protected]____.com

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L.E.

answers from Las Vegas on

Definatly not. I think you know in your heart whats right for you and your kids. It sounds like he doesnt at all deserve you or his babies. I'm so sorry youre going through that. But if youre happier by yourself and you can take care of the babies by yourself then why should he be around anyways. It's funny that he says he wants to go to counseling, but he's the one doing everything wrong. You know what you should do... Tell him to go to counseling by himself for a year and learn how to be a man and not cheat on his wife, then if he does it and you find it more exciting to be around him after that, then maybe you'll want to go to counseling with him and things could work themselves out. Other than that I think you should make him stay away from you.
-L.

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S.S.

answers from Honolulu on

Boy- your story is sooooooooo similar to mine, its scary. I totally understand where you are coming from, and the only selfish person between the two of you is HIM! What I tell myself is this: YOU CANT CHANGE PEOPLE- YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE HOW YOU LOOK AT THEM, AND YOUR INVOLVEMENT. Very easy to say, but much harder to do, especially given the history you two share....but thats all it is really- the bottom line is, he behaves this way because you have reinforced his behavior, you have become his doormat. You are much stronger than you think, and in time I hope you realize this. You need to love yourself and your kids, ad your not doing that by satying with a man like that. I am a single mother, and the way I look at it, I would rather my son have me as mommy and daddy, than to have a crappy father. My story is much more dangerous, with my sons biological father trying to shoot me in the head, in front of my son (9.5 months old at the time) but you find it in yourself to be strong and get yourself free. Life was an immense struggle all by myself and my baby, but it is worth every single struggle to be able to be a positive role model for my son, and not have him be exposed to an abusive partner. I wish you all the best, and be strong- for your babies and for yourself.

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K.E.

answers from Los Angeles on

R.,

I completely sympathize with you. I am a divorced mom of two kids. It takes two people to want to make a marriage work. My X is not very responsible, he very much a kid himself. I thought that by staying together for the sake of my kids, that I was doing the right thing, wrong! I was very unhappy, and therefore so were my children. Children are very perceptive, they know when something is wrong. We tried the separating and getting back together thing as well. It didn't work. We also went to counseling. Counseling doesn't work unless both parties are ready and open for it.

I wasn't in love with my husband anymore. He finally admitted that he was only in it for the kids as well. You are not being selfish. If you do not make some kind of a change soon, you will loose yourself completely. That is what happened to me, I fell into a deep depression trying to make things "work". I got very sick from all the stress and ended up getting breast cancer. Stress can do awful things to a womens body. Your kids need you.

I don't know if any of this will help you. Also, find one person you can talk to, really talk to. A support system from a good friend will help to keep you sane.

Take care and forge ahead.

K.

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T.P.

answers from Las Vegas on

Hi :) Just a little friendly support for ya. You have given him enough chances and he is really not the same person who you fell in love with so many years ago so to stay would be silly. You need to do what you need to do for you and your kids and you will feel MUCH better after you cut the ties (the best you can with kids)!! GET OUT NOW!!! before you have any more thoughts about staying!! Good luck girl! And take care of those boys!! They need a strong mom with a dad like what they have :)

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T.T.

answers from Stockton on

The first thing that comes to mind is,you are hurt and dont trust him, with good reason, he has already proven that he never put you or your kids first. So, now you must decide whether or not you are emotionally capable of forgiving. If you think that there is even a slight chance that you can put this behind you, I believe that you and your kids deserve an intact family. We all have had dissappointments, and getting some advice from a professional is not going to make things worse, it might just help. But, in the end, you have to look at yourself in the mirror, and you must decide if your decision will leave you feeling as if you honestly did the best you knew, or will it leave you feeling like you coould have done more.I will be praying for wisdom and disernment for you. If all this leaves you even more confused, try writing all this on paper. Just free write, dont worry about anything except getting your true feelinf out. do this with the idea that noone will see it, you can throw it out. The end result should be a better understanding of just exactly how you feel and what you are willing to do. God bless you T. T

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