JFF- Schtuff My Kid Has Ruined

Updated on August 07, 2012
R.J. asks from Seattle, WA
20 answers

I need some 'funny' right now. So let's break out the lists on destroyed, mangled, headsmack moments involving our kids and their destructive testing.

Often, with us just 2 feet away.

Or, heaven forbid, taking longer than 45 seconds to pee.


My personal fav, a 2 feet away one, was my toddler going through an 'association' phase (not destructive... Like bringing all the clean socks out and piling them on top of the shoes... Or trying to put rectangular things in/on/under other rectangular things... I quit buying Kleenex, because I could never bloody find the box!!! Under the bed, in the fridge, in the freezer, behind the fridge, in the VCR... You name it. Never knew my house had SO many rectangles!!)

Okay... So 2 feet away hanging clothes... Listening to my son flush the toilet. Over. And over. (The 'toys' we come to love for their distraction value! SO worth the water bill!) Anyhow, glance in, as I was every minute or so...

... And ALL the toilet paper is on the toilet.

Costco. Meant we had a LOT of toilet paper.

Not unrolled.

The rolls

In a mountain

And one kept rolling off

My son kept VALIENTLY trying to flush it down enough for the LAST roll to fit.

No dice.

I have the GREATEST photo ever of him holding that last roll and snarling at it in pure frustration.

Come to find, one canfit a LOT more rolls of toilet paper in a toilet than I ever would have thought. More than 20. (the bottom ones get soggy and squish.


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So What Happened?

Haha!! I simply love these! I'm just sitting here cracking up!

Requiem for a vacuum, indeed.

Archeological excavations peeling back whole layers of bedroom wall paint.

The ice water for blood... Silence. Oh no! Quick! Stop them! (Why IS it that kids behaving can be heard 3 blocks away with earplugs in, but misbehaving? So silent and stealthy banks and museum security hasn't been invented yet that could detect them!


God I love kids.

You know I read somewhere that the average 5yo can think of over 800 (?) ways a paper clip can be used, but the average 18yo only about 20. Now, I'm not sure who in their right mind got a 5yo to list hundreds of things ... But the trend was that the 12th graders had rigidly defined paper clips (about 2 inches long, made of metal, etc. And came up with fish hooks, lock picks, etc.), while kindergartendrs we're making them 1 miles long made of foam rubber for space ships to dock at (or be flung from), down to nano tech tiny made of lasers and everything in between.

LOVE the mind of a child! Up to your ankles in cereal, eggs by osmosis, powder powder EVERYWHERE.... Our kids, entropy and all.. Are pretty durn spectacular.

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answers from Chicago on

My best kid memory was from when I was in my teens. We had a neighbor that had one son. You could see the back of her couch from her front window. One day her son, who was about 2 or 3, peeled all of the backs off of her entire box of maxi pads and stuck all of them to the back of the couch!!! It was hysterical to all of us, not so much to that mom!

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Let's just say that Desitin mixed with baby powder (into a nice paste) is VERY difficult to get out of sheets, clothes and hair. Tenacious. Bright red nail polish looks a lot like blood at first glance, and is also difficult to get out of sheets and carpet. "Nap" time was treacherous there for a while... ; )

6 moms found this helpful

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answers from Dallas on

My son once colored our beige couch with black sharpie. And I mean colored. Every cushion, the arms, the back of the couch. Everywhere! Thats when I learned that Spot Shot is a miracle maker.

Our daughter once lodged a cap in our toilet when she went through the flushing phase. We had it disassembled in our back yard. I was flooding it with the hose while my husband was violently shaking it out...took about an hour to get it out.

There was also the time my youngest decided to play in the cayenne pepper...during her "naked" phase. She told anyone who listened about her "Spicy gagina". That was an interesting call to my mother as my daughter wailed in the background. BTW...milk is the cure.

check out the website www.sh*tmy kidsruined.com it will make everyone on this post feel better. (of course you need to replace the * with an i to get there, I was trying to have some decorum :P )

16 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

This takes place a few years back, when the girls had just turned two and three years old. Remember, this is in the beginning of all our family transition, so I was pretty wrecked and usually in a state of sheer panic (which I was stuffing down, probably a similar scene to your son with his toilet paper...come on, just a little bit more, that's it, it's gotta fit!)

Anyway, it was morning time and I was less than awake when the phone rang. It was my mom with important information. I went into the bathroom to have the conversation in private.

Meanwhile, only feet away, my children were extracting from the fridge:
11 eggs
32 oz. whole milk yogurt, maple flavor, sans cream top
1 large ball cotton yarn
a dash of cream (which was what I had saved for my coffee)

It had only been minutes when I walked back out of the bathroom, suspicious of the sudden quiet.

There I found my little one, egg shells strewn about, her curly hair dripping egg yolk. At the sight of my entrance she froze, poised with an egg in either hand. I assume I had caught her right before she cracked the last of the eggs onto her head.

My tall one was intently talking/singing/onamonapia-ing to the rug (she still gives her world a never ending soundtrack (volume always highest in morning)), fingers trailing yarn through the yogurt and four broken eggs. Admittedly, she had created some interesting expressionist works.

This time, my girls had outdone themselves and I was left speechless. Finally, I whispered to my mom, "The rug. It's covered in egg. And yogurt. The girls are sitting here covered in raw eggs and yogurt mom. I mean, covered. This is a bad mess. There's something else too. What the hell is that? Is that yarn? Where did they even find yarn? How do I clean this out?"

And you know what my mom said? "Ephie, do as I say. Roll that damn rug up and just throw it away...just throw. it. away."

And that, my dear friend, is exactly what I did. We also put a lock on the fridge that day. Which is still there. Kind of makes us look like crazy dieters, but in fact, I was just a crazy mom protecting the half and half from her children.

:-) Sweet dreams, when you get there.

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Eugene on

Nooooo.... My children have never ruined anything. Stuff just breaks all by itself, ya know. To make sure I know this, whenever there is a crashing sound, there will be at least one voice quickly following with, "Nothing happened!" or "That wasn't me!"

11 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

When my son was 2 he got in the cabinet while I *god forbid* used the restroom. He reached for the cocoa powder which was on the shelf just above his head and unfortunately the cap was not on tight so it dumped over his head. He proceeded to run around the very white rental house we lived in at the time touching everything!!
Then I made the mistake of trying to vacuum it up. The powder was too fine and it shot out the back of the vacuum cleaner, covering me in cocoa powder. Then, the motor seized and the vacuum cleaner never worked again!
So, we bought a dyson, which I was very fond of and one day while I was on the phone he poured a bottle of water down the tube where you connect the cleaning wand. DH took it apart, dried it and put it back together, but it hasn't worked the same since. Sigh....

ETA, Oh yeah, I had forgotten about my favorite story! One day we were at the park and he started checking out the bolts on the teeter totter. He told me he was going to "fix" it. I figured that it would take an adult with tools to get the bolts undone and told him that's nice dear. WRONG! A few minutes later he runs up to me with a giant bolt! There were more kids on it than it was designed for at the time and I had to quickly get them off. Fortunately there was a dad with a toolbox who was able to put it back together.

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answers from Seattle on

I remember taking my son out to eat when he was about 3 or 4. We were getting ready to leave and I couldn't find my keys. I searched valiantly for those suckers. In the bathroom, in the trashes, on the floor, under the tables, in my CAR...I couldn't find them anywhere!! ARGH! Thankfully I had a friend who happened to be there and drove me home, I got the apartments to give me a spare key, I got into the apartment and waited for my husband to get home since he had my extra key. Back to my car at night and drive the damn thing home with the spare key.
The next day I am doing laundry and find my keys......... in my son's pants pocket! I had put them there so I wouldn't forget!! OMG!! so, I ask my son why he didn't tell me that my keys were in there while I was frantically searching and he looks at me all innocent..."you didn't ask me"
(when i saw the title I was going to say....My #1 son ruined my vagina....My #2 son ruined my belly, and my #3 daughter ruined my idea of a 4th. :)

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

Wow... your son really is busy huh?

I have 2 kids who drive me nuts at times. But... not real destructive per say... but they are rascals and I am just numbed to them and their antics.

My daughter sorta had a phase with Kleenex too when she was a Toddler.
And then once, when my Husband was napping... she put make up all over his face. And he slept through it? We even took a photo of her doing it.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

My then 3 year old was watching a quick show while mommy caught a much needed 15 minute nap while in my first trimester of pregnancy #4. He was usually so good and quiet, and I sleep very lightly.
When I woke, I found him in the playroom, with a bean bag chair, unzipped, and the styrofoam beans EVERYWHERE. And I mean EVERYWHERE. Who knew those Pottery Barn Bean bag chairs had so many beans in them?
When I asked him what he was doing, he said, "I'm making a tower."

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Salt Lake City on

My kiddos are luckily not very destructive, anymore, but there was a time....back when my oldest was 4and his sis was 2, they were such deviants. They just egged each other on. There was a 3 month stretch from hell where these two did the following:
-got into a case of chocolate milk in my SIL's room (she was living with us), spilled it all over the white carpet, tried to clean it by spraying an entire bottle of perfume on it
-dumped entire buckets of sugar on the floor, did this multiple times and always before 5 am
-drew on the couches with butter
-painted their ENTIRE ROOM (beds, walls, windows, carpet) with butter and jam
-colored the inside of the garage door with chalk
-When we took away all their toys as punishment, they decided to pull poop out of their diapers and throw it in the ceiling
This was all generally while I was at work and they were in the "care" of Dad, who apparantly was not really paying too much attention, it would seem. But they also would sneak out of their rooms at night and do this stuff. Come to find out later they were also collecting all the almost-empty Mountain dew cans and taking them down to their room to "have a party" and we were none the wiser. No wonder they were so horrid for a while: bad supervision+newish and kinda dumb parents that left out mountain dew and should have locked the cupboards+mass amounts of high fructose corn syrup and caffeine=butter on the walls and poop on the ceiling!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Tulsa on

My son once dumped out an entire container of baby powder on the end table and carpet in our apartment. It was a jumbo size container that was almost full. Brown carpet and white powder. Oh, I was so mad then. But I got out the camera since I knew I would laugh about it later!

My son also got out my sister's makeup and decided to give himself, the carpet, the wall, and the door a makeover. Mascara isn't the easiest thing to get out of carpet. And how he managed to open the mascara at 3 is beyond me. My sister kept her makeup put up after that fiasco!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

I just laughed so hard I cried..."spicy gagina" may be the funniest thing I have ever read!!

When my son was barely 3 my sister in law was watching him. She left him in the living room and ran back to the restroom. (When will we learn that you cannot pee when your children are between 2 and 18??)
She returned to find a large drawing in Sharpie on her wallpaper. Of course, 90 percent of her house is painted, so the art could have been easily covered, but my child beelines it to the one "accent wall" with wallpaper!! We tried every trick in the book, it is still there. They pushed a sideboard against that wall and are grateful that he couldn't reach any higher!
We currently have my older son's name written in giant letters in our kitchen. Just over the dog bowl. He said that he was going to write the dog's name, so she would know where her food is, but he only knew how to spell his name. Fair, kiddo, fair.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I don't remember but my mother, 79, to this day will tell people of the time she went to answer the door and when she came back to the living room I had removed my diaper, taken a poop, and proceeded to smear it on the bay window and curtains. She tossed the curtains in the trash, took a picture of me with my messy hands in the air when she caught me, and said she potty trained me that day, at 18 months. My Dad didn't believe her when she told him that evening...until he had the pictures developed...they later enlarged one and it sits in the front of a family photo album :-/

4 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

I have four of them, I hope you can imagine.

My favorite story. When we were first married we lived above the funeral home. So to paint the picture we were in one of two apartments on the second floor, the funeral home was on the main floor and the garage where I parked my car was in the basement.

So the kids had been good so I bought the huge container of Quik. I brought up the kids who were two and four, then started on the bags. Bless their hearts they helped me put it away as I got more bags....until they found the Quik. By the time I had come up with another group of bags the whole kitchen was covered in a layer of Quik.

I was not pleased.

When Tommy was around 17 he said mom, remember when we dumped Quik all over the kitchen at the funeral home...yeah. Tommy, why did you do that? It looked so beautiful as it fell to the ground I just couldn't stop throwing it up until it was gone.

Yeah, life with kids with ADHD! :)

Got to love it.

Oh, if you would like the apple don't fall far from the tree part...when I was eight I was getting out the Christmas ornaments. They were glass, one fell, pop. What an interesting sound. Pop Pop Pop I believe there were, yes were, twenty four of them in total. Couldn't tell from the mess. Now back when I was a kid they could beat you and it was called discipline. I cleaned that mess up, got out the silk ornaments and so far as I know my parents never knew what happened to those glass ones. :p

After reading some of the responses I find it funny that my kids have done everything on everyone's list. :-/

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

OMG. My eyes are open wide, my smirk is gone.
I am sitting her thinking - I am never turning my back on my child again.
(Lopsided smirk)

First of all, I'm sorry mama.

Second of all, I do not have a story to top that or make you feel better. I will say my son destroys every single toy that is brought into this home. He has to find out how it is put together. Argh. Very fustrating. I have a drawer of tires, front ends, bumpers, tow hitches in the hopes we may need it for it's counterpart. I just give up.

My friends with girls........nothing destroyed. 0= girls, 1=boys.

Everything in my home is broken: toddler toy computers, mini kid microwave, those cabinet locks for kids? Ha ha he's figured them out.

I am currently sitting in a room w/a sea of leggos, trucks, cars, bike helmet.....................and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So cyber hug from one mama to another! ;)
Blessed to be us!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

How's this: after I separated from my first husband I moved in with a friend and her toddler son. She had a wall unit and stored her liquor in a cabinet on the bottom section. I offered to childproof it with one of those child-safety latches. I didn't have any inkling that her son was watching me. After installing it and testing it, I sat back satisfied at my handiwork. Toddler boy comes right up, presses in the latch and opens the door. Voila! Guess we had better polish off that liquor before he does!

You'd think I would have learned my lesson. When MY son was a toddler, I used to let him hang out in the car to play. I was always nearby. But, proximity is not the same as really keeping an eye on them. Son found the toll booth quarters and stuffed about $5.00 worth into the CD player. It cost well over $250 to have the dealer take the dashboard apart to retrieve the coins. The silver lining: the dealer mechanic gave me back the quarters! LOL!

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answers from Tampa on

I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face reading because I am laughing SO hard! This is priceless, and it brings back some of the best and worst memories.................
Our oldest daughter was such a little sneak. She would wake up in the wee hours and get into everything. I do mean the wee hours too. (like 2 or 3 am) Then my husband and I would have a surprise wake up, and our adorable 2 yr old, (or 3 or 4 yr old, depending on which time we are talking about), would tell us what she did. (or we would find it) OMG!
The first time, we woke up and she was about 2 yrs old, and came in to climb on us at around 4am, yelling Mommy Dada look I made bekfas!! We jumped up, went out to the kitchen with her, and in the livingroom/ kitchen area we saw that she had cracked open a dozen eggs on our coffee table (now running all over the floor) and attempted to wipe them up with a whole container of baby wipes, and there was also a squeeze tube of vasalene on the floor which was totally empty and the cover had been chewed off. (ok, we had a dog who was sitting there, so we assumed the dog did THAT, but where was the vasalene?) I cleaned it all up and OUT went the dog for the day. (I never found the vasalene. Fast forward a couple weeks. I am sitting reading with 4 of the kids that I had in my home daycare, and a parent came to pick up her 2 boys. She notoces that the PLEATED lampshade on the end tale is VERY shiny.............. OMG!! Well, my chils had filled up each and every pleat with VASALENE!! Poor dog spent the day and night outside for nothing!
Next our daughter woke up around Christmas time, really early, and decided to play drums with the little candles that you put in your wndows. We were woke up at 5 am to "look Mommy Dada, BLEED" We jumped up to see out 2 yr olds hands in our faces COVERED in blood. Luckily she was ok, but little tiny cuts do bleed a lot on your hands. Then about 3 months later my husband got up for work and found that she had gotten up in the night and flooded the bathroom. She plugged the sink, let it overflow, soaked the carpeting, and then took out the toiletpaper that she plugged it with and tossed it in the corner. A couple months later she got up super early and got into a chocolate cake that I had made for a friend's birthday. The hubby woke up at 5 for work and found it haf=lf eaten,. and the other half she mixed with water and made an awesome "paint' and proceeded to "paint" the arms of our new sofa and chair, and our sterio, as well as had crumbs all over the brown carpeting in the livingroom. She was back in bed sound asleep, but covered in the mess. Then at age 3, she hit the big one when I had her sister, and we had gone to do a huge monthly grocery shop. Our fridge was overstuffed. I mean you couldn't have fit anything in it if your life depended on it kind of stuffed. Well, the hubby got up at 5 am for work, and he went to get the cream for his coffee out of the fridge and it was EMPTY! He kind of had a moment of total fear, because he already knew what went wrong, but he walked across the house, and keep in mind, there was not a drop of anything spilled anywhere............... well, the stink was overwhelmimg. Our daughter had emptied the contents of the fridge into her room, and I mean everywhere! It was horrendous. Every toy was covered with some type of food or liquid, every article of clothing, every piece of furniture, she had no closet door, and every one of the things hanging in her closet, there was chocolate syrup and pancake syrup dripping from her ceiling, the carpet was oozing with icky stuff. Milk, formula, ugh!! Juice, soda, everything! I was brought in from a sound sleep because the hubby honestly had no idea what to do, and I was quite overwhelmed. I reached out to rest my hand on the wall, and it immediatly slid because she had painted them with mayo and miracle whip! OMG!
Yes, I know these momenst. There were a few more before we eventually got her to stop. That last one I wrote about resulted in us having to rip out carpeting. It wasn't pretty. Our house was actually on the market to be sold, and we had someone coming to see it that day. LOL! Good news is that she lived. :) We managed to get her to stop by going to a Christmas party with a "santa" there who we knew. HE asked her is she had been good, and when she said yes, he told her about all of the things that she had been doing, and told her if she kept doing those things he couldn't bring her anything for Christmas. I know, mean. I was at my wits end. She was 4 yrs old by then. We had tried EVERYTHING else. She was a hard kid. She is 22 now. In college, and alive. I think we did ok. Some day I will have grandkids and it will be HER turn. (not soon I hope, but some day) I will sit back and enjoy that too. LOL

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

When our oldest was 2 my husband wasn't working one day and had him home with him. I had a Keno party at our house that night and had cleaned most of the day and night before. Looking good. I got home and the recliner was a little damp but I didn't think much of it and the paper towels I knew we had were missing. Found out a couple of days later my hubby went and got pancakes at McD's for breakfast for them and fell asleep after eating. My son had poured his entire sippy cup of juice on the recliner, took butter and syrup and made a racetrack on the coffee table then tried to clean it all up with paper towels. My hubby was panicking thinking he couldn't get it cleaned up before I got home !

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

i will NEVER trust quite kids, especially between 2-8 because they are becoming indepent and wanting to do everything themselves, i have a three yr old and right now its i wanna do it all by my self, she has YET to destroy anything though, knock on wood.

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answers from Dallas on

As a one year old, my son tore apart one of those end table/lamp combos. He shook and tore at it until it was in pieces.

Also in year one, he dismantled every baby gate we purchased. We finally screwed one into door frame, and he shook it so hard that the molding started to crack. We took it off.

As a two year old, my son took all the keys off of my husbands laptop with his teeth.

Also as a two year old, on my mom's watch, he flung beige foundation all over my sister's white bathroom, which meant new rugs and shower curtains AND tore the screen out of a second floor window. My mom's response? "It just all happened so fast! One minute he was right there with me, and the next he was gone!"

As a three year old, disassembled a gas line into our house - which meant we had to evacuate, have the city turn off the gas, and then pay someone to come and fix it. $1000 later, we were back in!

Also in year three, he disassembled part of our air conditioning unit which then needed to be replaced - another high dollar item.

Another humorous year three trick - flushing the rod part of the toilet paper dispenser down the toilet. Only $75 for the plumber on that one.

Nearly every toy we own is broken or dissembled. Nothing we value is ever any lower than the top of the refrigerator.

Just sitting here wondering what "fun" year four will bring us!

ETA: Two year old daughter has destroyed nothing. Not one thing.

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