JFF- My Husband's Not Gay

Updated on January 17, 2015
O.L. asks from Long Beach, CA
16 answers

Have you seen this new show on TLC?

I was just flipping through the channels and saw it.

JFF, would you marry someone knowing that they are attracted to their same sex MORE than the opposite? I wonder if any of the people on the show will stay married for their lifetime?

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answers from Phoenix on

The guys on that show are gay. They can "SSA" til they are blue in the face, they are gay. I think it is tragic. We live in a time when LGBT people can have open relationships and these people are clinging to backward, archaic views of love and sexuality. It is just painful watching them talk about their sex lives. It's like the scent in 40 year old virgins when Steve Carell talks about boobserved feeling like bags of sand. Stop lying!!! They may be great fathers and even husbands in a lot of ways, but no one should be forced into living such a pathetic facade. I have gay friends who are handsome, who I love dearly, and who would be great fathers, but I would never, never marry them to lie to the world. Fifty years ago, to help a dear friend have a semblance of a family, keep a career, etc, maybe I could have considered it. Now, on the US...never.

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answers from Baton Rouge on

I might marry a man I knew was gay in order to provide legal benefits for him, but it would have to be an open marriage so that both of us could have sexual satisfaction.

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answers from Boston on

Interesting - I haven't seen that one. Don't know if I will either, as it hits close to home. My husband has same-sex attractions and has acted on it before and during our marriage. By the time I found out, we were three years into the marriage with 2 young babies (plus the 2 kids from prior relationships that we came into the marriage with), a house, etc. so it was too hard to just unwind everything. We're still together, but our relationship is strained. Oddly, the SSA is the least of our issues but it's always the elephant in the room that neither of us talk about.

It's not a life that I would recommend to anyone as it's unfair to the straight spouse who wants a monogamous, hetero marriage and it's obviously no picnic for the spouse with SSAs, who is most likely going to feel unfulfilled and like they're missing out on something. I think it can work in open marriages, but those can be incredibly complicated and not something I would be comfortable with, but if it works for other couples, then good for them!

BTW, my husband doesn't identify as gay, he would call himself bi-sexual or bi-curious because he likes women and his experience with men is very limited. Says he would never want to be in a relationship with a guy. Yay me LOL.

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answers from Dallas on

Did TLC run out of people with multiple wives or quadrisextuplet births?

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answers from Washington DC on

I never watched the show...I saw a trailer for it and said ....oh thank God...I'm not wasting my time watching that...I don't need that kind of drama in my life. Thank you very much!

Would I marry someone who was attracted to the opposite sex more than me? No. That would be holding both of us back from finding real and true love. If he wants to marry me to prove he's not gay? Sorry. I want a monogamous marriage.

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answers from Anchorage on

When I heard about that show I first jokingly thought "if you have to go on a show saying your husband is not gay, he is probably gay", but then I thought about what the show was really saying and it made me very very sad, and a little angry. They are telling kids, teens, who are struggling with their sexual identity, that it is just fine to deny who they are and live their entire lives in the closet to please others. In a time when we are pushing so hard for acceptance of the LGBT community shows like this are a huge set back and they could end up hurting kids and giving jerk parents more ammo for telling their teens they can change who they are.

If I found out my husband was gay? I would still live with him and parent with him and love him, but we would not be married any longer. I would not want him to deny who he was, and I would want to find sexual partners who wanted me as much as I want them.

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answers from Los Angeles on

Had the misfortune of watching it as well!
The men claim they are not gay but have SSA (same sex attraction) and are attracted to men.
Religiously, they feel it's the behavior that is sinful not the thoughts.
They claim as long as their wives are aware, and they're not acting on their thoughts they're not gay.
I say the only people that think they're not gay? Are these men and their wives.
Clearly they ARE gay!
I guess it's just a matter of how long they can control their thoughts and actions.

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answers from Los Angeles on

I have started wondering why there aren't same-sex heterosexual marriages. I think my sister-in-law and I would do really well as a family unit, with none of the nonsense my husband and brother come up with!

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answers from Williamsport on

I never saw the show but if they are doing this to "cover the secret from family"...but they're on a SHOW.... (ba ha ha)

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answers from Oklahoma City on

I know 2 people who were married to gay men.

One stayed married after he came out. He was her best friend and was content with her lifestyle. She had a nice home, savings, security, vacations with a good friend that she enjoyed being with, and she managed her sexual needs without blatantly having flings. He would go on "business trips" with a gentleman friend and that way it protected their facade.

They are still married and happy together. They never fight. They do have separate money and then joint accounts. She's his heir and he is hers. They have a good life in a city. If they lived in a rural setting it might be harder.

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answers from Appleton on

In my opinion they are living a lie. I have not seen the program but I have read about it. These women are married to men who are gay to protect the man's secret. If his friends and family think this man is not gay then to me they are lying to everyone. By living in this marriage everyone thinks they are happily married and sexually active with each other. They are lying.

They say they are doing this because their religion thinks being gay is a sin.
Well what is living a lie? Is lying not also a sin? Or is lying only a little sin so then it's okay.

I happen to believe in the old adage: "you can go to hell for lying too". There are no little sins.

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answers from Phoenix on

I did see the show. I think they say they are just "attracted" to the opposite sex, it doesn't mean they are allowed to sleep with them. Would I marry someone like this? Oh.hell.no. They actually joke between the couples about being attracted to the same men, or have discussions in the store about, "oh, I think he's cute, do you?" How is this normal? I guess it isn't, which is the whole point of the show. And to top it off, they are MORMONS and believe this "gay tendency" is ok somehow. I'm a big reality tv watcher but even for me, this is a bit much.

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answers from Seattle on

I saw the preview for it and decided NOT to watch it.
How very sad that these men are SO disgusted with themselves that they are going to drag a woman, possibly children, through their own self loathing.
I don't have a problem AT ALL with gay people, love 'em, support 'em, think they are just as fantastic as my straight friends.
What I DO have a problem with is people that lie to themselves and their families. I understand, it can be terrifying telling someone that you are gay.
These women are just setting themselves up for misery.
And the men just can't accept who they are.
It's sad all around.

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answers from Washington DC on

Sounds like they are gay and not practicing or bi and choosing to marry a woman instead of a man. Either way, I think that unless they are really happy with their choice in spouse, they will not have a happy, long marriage. If they based their marriage on things other than just sexual attraction, then they probably have as much a shot as any of us. I do think Fanged Bunny has a point about the scrutiny of the show. They are opening their families to a lot of attention, not always positive.

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answers from San Francisco on

Haven't seen the show, but would I marry someone like that? Not a chance. I wouldn't want him always secretly wishing I were a guy, and always turning me over and trying to have anal sex with me.

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answers from Louisville on

What matters to me is that he is attracted to ME. I wouldn't care that he is attracted to men more than women, as long as he was genuinely attracted to and loved me. No way in hell would I be a man's "Beard wife", because I feel that I deserve a man who is totally committed to me.

I would compare it to a man who loves blonde hair, but marries a brunette. He doesn't love her any less just because she doesn't have his preferred hair color. As long as he isn't stepping out or moping over what he's "missing out" on, or asking me to do things that are outside my comfort zone (especially in the bedroom...)

2 moms found this helpful
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