Issues with Step-daughter

I don't have much experience in this area or much advice, except that I think you are right much of it probably has to do with her age. My oldest son just turned 13 so I am just starting the teenage years. Maybe she's a little jealous of her little brother? With three parents in her life it is probably possible that she is trying to manipulate the three of you to her advantage. I wanted to say that I thought one of the other posters was a little harsh, and I applaud you for working with her mother and having a positive relationship with her. I think that is very mature and could have nothing but a positive effect on your stepdaughter. I have no idea why you would want to assume she is "the enemy," and I think that would only make things worse for your stepdaughter. Blended families can be difficult and it sounds like you are a very busy woman, but maybe you could get some counseling to give you some additional ideas of how to work with your stepdaughter and not let it interfere with your relationship with your husband either. Good luck.

My daughter does not like the man I am with now. She blames him the breakup between me and my ex-husband. She has some strong residual anger feelings. Even though she loves me and hugs me, she has a difficult time even having a civil conversation with Chris.

First, we try the ground rules. We write down what are fair rules from all perspectives. We all sign off on it.

Second, I explain calmly and repeatedly what things and behavior are ok, and which are not. For a long time, I let her get away with EVERYTHING because I was so cautious about making things worse.

We still aren't out of the danger zone. I'm going to take her to a family therapist. I'm going to have her do some one on one discussions. Then I'm going to sit in with her. Then we'll move on to family sessions. She can't really be at peace until she deals with the negative emotions that are biting away at her.

These turn into short snappy, waspish statements and completely disrespectful tones when she talks to me.

I do not ever have my ex and my current talk to each other, especially about the children. So, I'd probably ditto J.L. and say stop the conversations with bio mom. It's probably not a good way to go about helping the girl get her feelings under control.

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1 - She's 15...enough said.

2 - Have you been a child of divorce? A child of a step-parent? Cut her some slack. It SUCKS!!! It's hard, it's confusing, it's sad. It's like there was a death in the family when your parents get divorced. Life is OVER as you know it and it will affect you for your ENTIRE life. Then they go and marry someone else and expect you to just accept it. I don't know what's wrong with parents that they think they can turn their children's worlds upside down and expect them to go with it, act normal, etc.

Of course she's going to feel like her dad doesn't love her...he's got a new wife and new kid and she's a teenager w/crazy hormones.

It's not her problem that you don't have money to travel to see her...figure out a way for your husband to visit her more...one on one w/o you and the baby would be cheaper and possibly more meaningful to her. Maybe you guys need to give up a few things to make it work. 3 hours is NOT far...you should be seeing her at least 1x/montj! Seriously how much does it cost to drive 6 hours for a visit OR can't your ex meet you 1/2 way so that you can only have to drive 3 hours total and bring her to your house for a weekend visit once a month????

If that doesn't work...can you move closer to her?

I don't know what to say ...it all seems normal for a 15 year old to me...and while she shouldn't be disrespectful I think it's typical for teenagers, especially one put in this situation that her parents created by moving so far apart.

Good luck.

I'm sorry I don't know how to help you in your issues with your step-daughter. But I read the responses you got and felt compelled to respond.

My husband and step-son's mother have an amicable relationship. She made it very clear from the beginning that she knew very well that my presence in her son's life would have an impact whether I did anything about it or not. (Whether I liked it or not. Whether she liked it or not.) She chose to acknowledge that and I became involved in his life early on. My stepson has gone through some rough patches in his young life, and all 3 of us have been very frank and open about what we saw, how we saw it, how we thought we should proceed. We have attended therapy together, as a family. We have agreed and disagreed...

You should not feel like she's the enemy. If she is, then she is. But if she isn't, please don't walk away from this post feeling like you should. Are there people out there that use their children against their exes? Sure. Is everyone like that? No, absolutely not!!

There are people that actually talk to their friends about their feelings of frustration against an ex, instead of their children. There are people who make it very clear that just because the parents aren't together, it doesn't mean they aren't parents anymore. People who chose to stand up for their child's best interest instead of their own foolish pride (just don't let go of your dignity).

Such people listen when they are told their children misbehave because they want to know how to correct that... because they don't want their offspring to become anti-social. "It takes a village"!

At least, that's what my experience has been. If you feel like perhaps you should watch out, then go ahead. But please don't believe that everyone out there is bitter about their ex and their new spouse.

Good luck!

It usually doesn't work too well to look to an adolescent to make you feel good. Do everything you can to keep yourself loving and happy, and she will learn from your example--although it may take a while. If you can take care of your own feelings, at least you will be feeling good while you wait for her to change.