Iseeking Advice on a Troubled Friendship Just Before Having a New Baby

I think you gave her the distinct impression that you were disappointed in her for not coming (from your comments "I felt hurt by this because she lived only five minutes from the event and didn't even attempt to come by for even five minutes. I texted her back how I felt and she responded that she didn't respond.")

If you know she has depression issues and social anxiety issues, letting her know that you were disappointed in her is kind of the death knell of your relationship. Sorry to say this, but I don't think that you two are destined to be friends. She doesn't feel that she can talk about it because she knows you don't understand. This is all too hard for her with her problem, though she really does care for you.

If you want to try, then show up at her doorstep and don't try to talk about the issues between you two. Just tell her that you've missed her, here's the baby, and you look forward to hearing from her again. Send her texts about "nothing" ever so often without putting expectations on her.

Or... let the friendship drop if you feel that there has to be balance. She is not able to give balance because she has emotional problems.

I kind of hope you will at least try, IF you are going to cut her some slack. If you expect equal reciprocation from her, please drop the friendship. Acting like a "normal" friend is too h*** o* her.

She probably DID feel sick and WAS up half the night because of her social anxiety about the shower!

Is there a reason you dont just invite her over?
Or walk over to see her?

Stop hinting around (nice day for a walk, you should see her before she walks)

Who do new mothers always feel like everyone needs to come to them? If your home is within walking distance from hers--them GO!

And texting a thank you?

I think you need to accept the friend as she is or end it. You cannot place unrealistic expectations on friends.

What would I do? If I liked my friend I would put my child in a stroller & walk over and thank her in person for the gift and visit for an hour. Geez.

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) isn't just "I don't like parties or I'm shy". Have you ever had a panic attack? THAT is more like social anxiety disorder. It's "odd" treatment because social situations are beyond uncomfortable. She is able to do things that are regimented or controlled or known, but just showing up at your door or going to a shower, or something has massive amounts of unknowns attached. People she doesn't know would or could be there, and then boom - anxiety attack. She probably doesn't want YOU to have to deal with HER anxiety with a new baby.

Yes, it would be easier for you if she came, etc., on the surface, but she is sensitive enough to know that it would not be easier for you if she had an attack.

If you like her, keep in contact. Here's a website with info, tips, etc.
http://socialanxietydisorder.about.com/od/copingwithsad/a...

Don't confront - she is making as much effort as she can in her condition. If you want to grow the friendship, you'll have to understand what's going on with her SAD so that you don't take things personally and you can both work around it.

i have friends with social and anxiety issues. my expectations of them are in line with what they can reasonably do.
i myself, while anxious about very few things, am not very social and don't enjoy baby showers, even for people i adore.
knowing she struggles with depression and anxiety, why are you so hurt that she 'didn't even attempt' to come by?
clearly she values your friendship and is trying, however clumsily, to let you know she cares. what's there to 'confront'? how will confrontation help anyone?
i certainly wouldn't go to any great lengths to push things (but that's my socially lazy self talking.) i'd simply leave it out there, and if she wants to come by, terrific. if she fades into facebook friendship only, what's the harm?
khairete
S.

I think that maybe you don't understand Social Anxiety Disorders and Depressive Disorders. You know that she has particular difficulties, but it seems clear to me that you don't understand the first thing about what her difficulties are or how debilitating they can be.

Part of my own anxiety disorder is that when my anxiety and depression aren't under control, I have agoraphobia that tends to kick in. It could be viewed as me not being a good friend, not being supportive, what have you but it's really not about other people. It's about what my anxieties are doing to me... crippling me to the point where I just can't leave the house or my anxiety will become worse.

I also don't think that it's a matter of your friend not being truthful with you, but being protective of herself. It might come off as deceit but it's not intended to. It's how she was trying to explain the situation the best way she could at that time. She likely made every effort that her anxieties allowed but became so overwhelmed that the only way out of that anxiety was to call you the morning of the shower and back out. Even though it was only a short distance away. Even though you're such good friends.

It's not that friendships and relationships aren't worth it. It's that the anxiety and physical reactions to the anxiety are so powerful and debilitating.

You said she is depressed and has social anxiety. I suggest that you're expecting too much from her. She may not be able to meet your expectations. I think her reasons for not attending the baby shower are valid. She was up half the night and didn't feel good because she is depressed and has social anxiety. Why does she need to outline the details for you?

The way you manage this is to focus on changing your expectations. You don't need to detach from her. You need to detach from your expectations. Know that if she's having difficulty in her life she is not going to be able to make you a priority. Know that you'll have to be direct with her when you need her help. When you call tell her you're having a difficult time and you'd like for her to just listen, for example.

Know that you don't understand how her emotional deficits work. In my experience it's easier to show a great personality when out and about. I'm relieved to have friends who accept me as I am and don't expect me to keep up that front when I'm with them.

Stop making the extra effort. This is another situation that would benefit from understanding the co-dependent relationship. If you're comfortable with yourself and have a wider range of relationships then with her you would be comfortable getting what you need from someone else. When you don't need for her to act in a certain way, your relationship will become more relaxed and you won't be so hurt.

Perhaps this isn't a relationship that will work for you. It sounds like you don't really understand and accept her as she is. You expect from her actions that she's not able to give you. You don't need to understand her anxieties. You know she has them. Accept her as she is, anxieties included.

It sounds like you're hurt because you think she's not being honest with you. You think that she doesn't really have social anxieties because she acts one way with a group and a different way with you. I suggest that you're possibly not being honest with her, either. You were hurt when she didn't come to your baby shower. Did you tell her how you felt at the time? Sounds like you continued feeling hurt and then only called her when you were moving to her neighborhood. And when you weren't able to talk because of the moving and the other people present you left it to her to bring up the subject again.

This is also another example of how texting does NOT work. You told her you were hurt in black and white. Feelings are not black and white. We have to talk about them in all there nuances. In essence you told her she was wrong without offering any way of resolving the issue.

If you want this relationship to work, stop texting. Get on the phone, tell her you're sorry that the friendship hasn't been working and ask to get together over coffee to talk about it. Then, really try to see things from her viewpoint. Yes, give your viewpoint using only I statements. I felt hurt when you did such and such. I thought you were able to come but didn't want to come. Then give her a chance to explain how she was feeling in more detail.

Do not bring up that situation with the baby shower last year. Stop thinking about it, even. I suggest that the hurt you felt then is continuing to hamper your relationship now. I urge you to deal with that situation by focusing on the way you are thinking about it. Try to accept that she was unable to come for the very reasons that she gave you and let go of your pain.

Please read a book on co-dependency. I think you'll find that you will grow and have better relationships once you learn to rely on yourself, learn how to be assertive, and stop expecting someone else to make you happy.

Perhaps if you could love this friend well enough you wouldn't need to keep score on how one sided the relationship is? We do for others, in love, without expecting something in return.

It's true that we have to let go of some relationships because they are one sided. I'm suggesting that you might consider this as an opportunity for you to grow.

I think I would have a hard time being friends with someone who was "hurt" because I didn't come to an event. You said yourself she has some social anxiety, and your hurt feelings probably just made her feel worse about it so she withdrew from you.
I'm sure you had plenty of guests and attention at your baby shower, I don't see why it's a big deal if one friend couldn't make it, for whatever reason. Sorry but it sounds a little petty and immature on your part.

I agree with Dawn. You have high expectations for this woman, and she may not know what all of those are. She may not feel she can live up to the ones she does understand. You are dictating the terms to someone you know has social anxiety issues and who clearly feels badly about not being able to "perform" as others would. You are having a relationship via texting. That's not a friendship. You can either rise up above this, call her for a walk or coffee, just the 2 of you and she can see the baby of course, and move on. See where the relationship goes. I don't understand the whole thing about moving - did you want her to help you move? Come by? She is avoiding situations with stress or a lot of people, and they make her uncomfortable and anxious. She doesn't want to do anything else wrong in your eyes, and the only way to ensure that is for her not to show up. She's probably hoping you will reach out with some compassion and some forgiveness - which means NOT discussing the thing that makes her feel so badly and which ticks you off as well. I'd reach out just for some fun, or I'd stop texting her about what a failure she is.

I agree with everything Dawn said. I'm one of those people who always seems to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, but my heart is in the right place. I tend to be friends with people who are willing to look beyond the actual words to the meaning behind them. It sounds like she's never had anyone teach her the 'right' way to act in certain situations. It seems that you are wanting something form her that she doesn't know how to give. You need to either change your expectations or let the friendship go.

Wow! Thank you everyone for the advice. It really helped open my eyes the anxiety disorder shes been dealing with and how I need to change my expectations of a "normal" friendship with her. I guess it always felt like I was always there for her, but never got that much in return so of course I would feel let down by this. Like one of you mentioned, its the balance you find in a normal friendship. In general I dont think theres nothing wrong with expecting your friends/family to come visit you after just having a baby. Thats just the right thing to do. I've invited her over a couple times but there always seems to be an excuse. The texting seems to be more comfortable for her than a phone call. What really strikes me odd is that she has a great social personality when we are out somewhere so I guess its been a bit confusing for me when/how the anxieties occur and how to "detach" in a sense so that I don't allow myself to feel let down by her anymore and yet continue a friendship with her. Now that my DR is okay with me taking my baby out more I can certainly "rise above" and take a walk over to her place and see what happens. Thanks again all for your insight!

Your not doing anything wrong maybe she's just not confident enough to visit at this time if you said she suffered from depression in the past maybe it's still an issue just continue to reach out and maybe one of these days she'll get together.Good Luck!

Jessica and others said it very well....... she has some major anxiety disorders and that keeps her from even leaving the house, most likely.

Unless you have had issues with that, you really don't know what it is like..... maybe at this point the only friendship will be through texts, fb, or YOU going to HER house.....

Try to understand the panic she may be feeling when she leaves the house, or is expected to be a certain way for others.....

The best way you might be able to be friends at this point is if YOU make the effort to go visit, text her frequently to see how she is doing, and don't tell her that you were hurt by her behaviors...... if you've never had a panic attack, you sure don't know what it feels like.....

ETA: I posted this before reading Dawn's answer. I heartily agree with what she had to say, too.

K.,

It sounds to me like she's emotionally overwhelmed somehow. I don't know if you hit the nail on the head with suggesting depression and social anxiety; that may be true.

I think, if you had done something wrong, as you are worried about, that she likely wouldn't have left a gift or keep texting/emailing you. I do think that maybe she has something going on that she isn't comfortable talking about to you. Perhaps she is very jealous of your pregnancy and the baby and doesn't know how to talk about it because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings or have you feel badly toward her. Maybe she's throwing her lot in with this boyfriend and has blown off other relationships as well. New boyfriends have been known to take a girlfriend 'off the radar' for a while as they immerse themselves in the new relationship.

Or it could be something else. I don't know. You say you became 're-acquainted' with this woman... maybe she's really changed from when you were both younger and knew each other. Maybe she's just not that into having a friendship with you. (I'm not saying this to be mean, either-- sometimes it's there for one person and not for the other. I've had this happen myself. It stinks.)

At this point, I would let it go. Let her contact you if/when she's ready to get together. I wouldn't invest any further emotion or effort into this unless you get a clear signal that she is ready to reciprocate. Some women really *don't* know what to do when a friend has a baby... I was there about 15 years ago, in that same spot of wanting a baby, having miscarriages and having a friend get pregnant and have a beautiful child. I'm sure I didn't handle it well, either.

I hope you find some peace regarding all of this. I just get the feeling that it's not about you, okay?:)

This is not a friendship. If I knew that I had hurt a friend, I would be ON THE PHONE, calling, not texting, Facebooking, disappearing and making excuses. It doesn't seem like either of you actually picked up the phone to just talk. You, yourself said that she has social anxiety and depression issues. And because of it, she cannot be a good friend to you. Remember that there is usually a reason you stop being friends with someone and normally the issues will come up again if you let them back in. Just because she has emotional issues doesn't mean you should have to shove your feelings aside. I think it's time to move on, no matter how much you want her in your life. It's clear it's not going to be the way you want it to be.

It sounds like things have not changed much in the years between your friendships. I think you need to adjust your expectations according to the situation so that you won't be let down. It's clear that she hasn't been a reliable or dependable friend to you. You already know this so don't expect it. I don't think it's with malice. How her social anxiety plays into it is not really relevant. Whatever the reason, she may only be capable of doing the "fly by" friendship. If that's not satisfactory, then you may downshift into "acquaintance" mode...just someone you know, without judgment.

You have my empathy here 110 percent. While I agree with others regarding her depression/social anxiety, I can't entirely let her off the hook because you said that the friendship was one-sided. The fact that she has never met your child or made the effort to even do it one-in-one without others around (to alleviate her social anxiety disorder) speaks volumes to me as much as the one-sided nature "oh, I have a guy, see ya aspect that you describe.

Your post is a roller coaster, indicative of your relationship, and for some reason you opt to stay on for the ride. She has you and deep down you know it.

It's sad that texting has given us an easy way out and she has opted for this.

Honestly, because the relationship is one-sided, I would try and let it go. You can be empathetic to her anxieties, but it doesn't sound like she earned that because of the constant disappointments.

Do you want this person in your child's life? Do you want your child to see a friend who is there and then not there in your life?

Only you can answer that. I know I had to and it was difficult.

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