Is This Post Partum Depression and What Should I Do?

There is absolutely nothing to be embarassed about! This is a very real medical problem. Get the help you need and deserve!!

See a doctor. It will make you and your whole family happier and your girls will be better off. You don't want to leave it go and have things get worse and affect the kids.

Hi C.,

Sounds like a case of post partum depression(PPD) to me. I had the same symptoms after my twins were born. I was always high strung and would lose my temper and yell mostly at my husband for every little thing.(I think I had a case of PPD after my oldest was born but not treated) When I had a visit with my OB for check up, I told her how I was feeling and she said it was PPD. She prescribed Sarafem which is for PPD. It worked wonders and I was back to feeling like myself in a few weeks. I stayed on it for 9 months- year since I had twins. Most time it is prescribed for 6-9 months. My husband and I used to refer to it as my happy pill but I wouldn't have changed a thing. The medication help even out my mood and I don't take anything now. I never had to go to the doctor other than for a blood test to check the dosage. Because it is caused by having a baby I never had to see any other doctor; justed need my brain chemistry to get back in order. I suggest talk with your OB and tell him/her how you are feeling. The medication does help so don't feel bad to use it. Then you can enjoy spending time with your girls. Best wishes and it does get better. L.

Get help immediately. I was in the same situation when my first child was a just a couple months old. Going back to work was also my trigger. One day when he was crying I put him on the changing table to change his diaper but I kind of use some force that scared me. I called my insurance and got into the first available therapists office that I could. I only needed a few sessions to get me back on track. I realized with her help that I'm a very patience, caring and wonderful mother but I was overwhelmed and anxious and I too have a history of depression. A year after being treated for postpartum depression (by the way, I did not even need medication at the time, just someone qualified to talk to)I found out when my periods never resumed after weaning my son that my thyroid stopped working. I had thought my fatigue, pain and the depression were normal for new moms but turns out I had this medical condition which can cause such symptoms. I also became pregnant with my second child at this time so it was critical for her health as well that my hypothyroid condition be treated.

Please do not hesitate to talk to a therapist for support and a medical doctor to rule out illness. You are experiencing extraordinary stress. I know, been there!!! Do it for your children, do it for you. I'm sure you parents love you and want you to be healthy and happy. There is no shame in asking for professional help. The shame is that your daughters and you aren't experiencing the wonderful mother you truly are because of the extra ordinary stress of birthing your child, caring for a new born, adjusting to the changes in family life, and dealing with the logistics and mental, physical demands of returning to full-time work.

If you can't afford counseling, or would like to talk, please feel free to email me. I can help you and hook you up with licensed help.

Also, if you can just get away for a little bit to recharge your batteries, it can help tremendously!! Maybe your parents can take the children so you can go for a walk in nature? Get a pedicure? Or even spend an hour at the library reading. Studies have shown that even looking at pictures of nature are calming... Don't forget to recharge your batteries.

If you are suffering from depression, it is a neurological. Your brain chemistry is altered. It's like diabetes, sometimes lifestyle can manage it, but sometimes you need medication. Only you and your professional care team (psychiatrist, therapist, m.d.) can decide. There is no shame in having gestational diabetes or thyroid that quits working. Our bodies simply breakdown sometimes, especially extraordinary stress, and this includes the brain which affects our thoughts and feelings.

Also, I encourage you to be honest with your parents. Be up front. Maybe even share literature from a doctor's office with them.

I wish you the best. Know that you are a good mom. Even writing and sharing this with us all demonstrates your courage and that you do have presence of mind.

P.S. Therapy can be so rejuvenating and even fun. You will discover your strengths and have an ally to help you navigate this new territory of mothering two and working. I have found reaching out to others, as you have done here, to always be rewarding and transforming.

Best wishes!

Hi C.- there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. It happens to a lot of us, at different degrees. I have no doubt you will not hurt your children. But I can tell you going back to work is going to be stressful, you may want to get help now. I don't know how you feel about seeing your OB and going on a mild medication. I went through a lot of similiar stuff when my daughter was 3 and my son was born. My son had to have surgery at 6 weeks and I went back to work a week later. Our dog died about 3 weeks later. It's just too much sometimes and it's ok to get help. Good luck, just remember you are not alone and it does get better. Having 2 kids is definately an adjustment. Take care!!

This is ABSOLUTELY post partum. I've had it with all 4 of my kids and everything you listed is associated with post partum.
You dont have to feel like this. You can see your family dr., get on some sort of anti depressant and enjoy every minute of your chaotic life. I did it. I'm a single mom of 4 kids and its tough, but the meds just help me deal with things better.
Hope this helps, Good Luck!

It sounds like your depression is active again. Please get some help, if not for yourself than for your girls and/or your husband. There is no shame for having a medical illness which is what depression is. If you need resources in the Twin Cities email me.

Hi C.,
I am the mother of 7 kids and almost two years ago moved to Two Harbors from TX. I know what you are going thru. It is definately depresson and you do need to go to a doctor. I know that you don't know me at all but if it would make a difference I would be happy to take care of your girls while you went to doctor visits if you want to keep it from your family. I think that your family should be supportive of you and not judge you for depression. It happens! I never dreamed I would have that same diagnosis but just recently my doctor told me I had a mild depression. All stemming from the move here and having to leave my older kids and grandkids in TX. I know that the move here was the best thing for my younger kids and husband and yet I cried all the time. My doc told me to take time for myself! I know it is hard! Find a hobby that only you will do (no kids, husband), take a long walk with a dog. You have to make the time even if it is only a couple hours a week.

Dear C.,
you sound like a really really good mommy to your girls. I think you are probably suffering from postpartum depression, like you suggested. How are you supposed to go back to work when your youngest is only 3 months old? I think that is quite soon. Anyhow, I do also think that the anxiety you are experiencing is in response to you not having enough support from your husband and your mother. I can tell from your request that you do not want your mother knowing about your doctor appointments--personally I wouldn't want my mother to know either, because she'd tell everyone all the details. Not that it is anything to be ashamed of, unless you are, in which case you should know myself and many other moms have had postpartum depression and it is very normal. Having a baby is a very stressful experience which makes us work all the time without stopping; postpartum depression is mother nature's way of letting us see that we have more work than one person can handle and we need help from others to get through it all because our work will be cut out for us to the max for many months to come.
\
Can you get another person to watch your girls for you while you go to the doctor's? Can you tell your mother that you are going somewhere other than where you really are going when you have an appointment? For the sake of your privacy, a little white lie isn't the end of the world.

I wish you all the best. I hope you feel better really soon.
-C.

Please go in and be seen. Depression is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Treatment can help with the symptoms tremendously. You owe it not only to your husband and kids, but to yourself as well to do what you can to feel better. You are obviously not happy with how your life is right now, but you can do something about it. Plus, you will be setting a good example for your children and family that no matter how scared or shy you are about a health issue, it is always better to face it and get treatment than to let it go and possibly get worse. You can make your life so much happier. Go for it!

I think you definately need to get assistance to combat your anxiety. It's not healthy for you, your husband, or your kids. things will only get worse. I think it's more important you get over the fear of being embarrased and begin to think that this is the only way you can function normally. Ignoring the problem won't make it go away and if you have a history of depression that's nothing to mess around with. You also might want to see if you can get outside help with dinners if you are worried about that. Use the slowcooker! It's awesome timesaver! It's sometimes really hard to juggle everything you need to and be the best person you can be to your family but nothing is wrong with seeking medical attention if it will help you in the long run. Don't be embarrassed - your life will be much more managed if you seek help!! Good luck!

C.,
Please see your doctor - as difficult as it might be to have your parent's know, your life and the lives of your girls are so much more important.

I was miserable for a long time after having my second child. I saw a counselor for awhile, but finally got to the point where talking was only helping so much. I'm now on Wellbutrin and it was literally a lifesaver for me.

Good luck
<<<<hugs>>>>

H.

wow....i went thru the same thing-28 yrs ago they had nothin for it-go to your dr.now...get the correct meds to balance yourself....good luck-if you need to talk more holler....biggest thing is-slow down-get plenty of rest....

Let's get one thing out of the way first, you must not be Superwoman, who is she anyway? I suggest you stop trying to be. My question to you is why you are embarrassed to ask your parents for help watching the girls while you seek professional help. It might be post partum depression and it might be anxiety attacks, but only a professional can give you a diagnosis, and I seriously doubt if the diagnosis will be "freak". Your 3-1/2 year old watches you for clues on how to behave, so, if not for yourself, get help for yourself for her sake.

In the meantime, try to relax and tell yourself that this is just another phase of your life, things will not be like this forever. Your girls need you in order to survive, your husband does not; but don't leave him hanging, explain what is going on to him and you may be surprised at the support he will give you. If you don't talk to him he will just feel rejection. Talk to your mother and you might be surprised (also) at how supportive she can be. Talk to your friends outside of your family, too. Are you are trying to handle too much by yourself, and is that a good thing?

There is a saying I read in Lilian Braun's "The Cat Who..." series, "Look at the donut, not the hole." You seem to focus on what you think you are doing wrong, instead try focusing on all the things you are doing right. Good luck and hang in there, you CAN get through this.

GO GET HELP!!!

Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, and certainly nothing to ignore. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but this may not just be postpartum depression, but a case of clinical depression.

Look at your symptoms--wigging out, yelling, stressed, depression in the past, anxious all the time, weepy 10 of 16 waking hours per day, loss of intimacy, freaked out, short of breath, heart pounding, panicky, fear of being alone with the children. Sounds like a classic case to me.

I also have a diagnosis of depression. After my daughter died and my ex-husband left me with our remaining eight children, I fell apart. I had been on depression meds in the past through my OB, but I went to see a psychiatrist to get an official diagnosis and the proper medication. He put me Zoloft, eventually 200 mg. per day. Once the dosage was correct, my life was totally different. I asked him when I would be able to get off the medication. He told me that since this was my third documented episode, there was a 100% chance that if I were to go off the meds, the depression would return. (Second episodes were about 75% likely.) He said that I might be able to reduce the amount in time. He also told me that it made more sense to keep my levels steady rather than let them go down, have the depression return, and then have to start the process over again.

That made total sense to me. Seven years later, I am now on 100 mg. per day, and if I miss a dose, I know it by about noon the next day because I start feeling weepy for no reason. I'm not thrilled about having to take meds every day, but I know I feel so much better and stable now.

Depression has to do with a chemical imbalance in your body. Sometimes the depression comes first, and sometimes the chemical imbalance comes first. Changing hormones after having a baby also definitely play a big part. Either way, it can be treated. There is no reason to feel so miserable or to subject your family to the symptoms you've described. Once the imbalance is corrected, counseling may be needed to help change old unhealthy thinking patterns and establish new, healthy ones.

Ask your husband for help, and tell your parents you need their assistance as well. Do not be embarrassed. Working 13-hour shifts is a big undertaking for anyone and if that job stresses you out, even more reason to get help. On the days that you work, put a meal in the crockpot in the morning--by evening it should be done. There are tons of recipes available on the internet.

Be of good cheer! Enjoy your children now, because they grow up very quickly!

Dear C.,
My heart goes out to you and what you are going through. You are experiencing many feelings I did after my first son was born. I completely understand about the images, and it is so hard to admit them to other people without feeling like everyone thinks you want to harm your child. My son was colicky, and I remember often thinking, "I can see why people duct tape their mouths shut and close them in a closet..." and things like that. Then I'd be consumed with guilt over having that awful thought in the first place, as well as being so angry with him for crying constantly. Ugh, it is so hard. Whether the baby's perfect or not, don't forget that you have crazy hormones running through your veins, and this affects us all differently. I classified myself as "nuts" for about 6 months, and "in recovery" for the next 6. It wasn't until I was done breastfeeding (and those hormones had really ceased coursing through my veins) that I felt myself again. And it wasn't until I was done breastfeeding that I wanted to have ANYTHING to do with my husband. That also created oodles of guilt, since I felt like I was neglecting him. I was just so not interested in being intimate, and I frankly did not want to be touched at all. Again, I chalked that up to hormones, and once they were gone, I enjoyed being close with him again.

C., obviously the feelings and thoughts you are having are consuming you. You should not feel embarrassed about this, and please know that so many of us have experienced the same. It's easy to rule out getting help (for me, I just procrastinated it until a year later, when I felt better). But don't rule this out completely. If you don't feel comfortable telling your parents what your MD appt is for, don't! Just tell them it's a postpartum checkup! You're not exactly lying, either, since the feelings you are having are most certainly exacerbated by the fact that you are postpartum. But don't rule out telling Mom either. Just explaining what you are going through to someone else (who loves you unconditionally) might really take some weight off.

I wish you all the best, C..
Amy

this sounds just like post partum deppression to me. I woiuld assume with a history of deppression, that you could possibly be more likely to get it.

This is NOTHING to be embarrased about. And if you are getting help, it is a great great thing. Anytime someone does something to improve themselves as a person is a really awesome step to bettering this whole world.

I have said many times in my life that the whole planet should go to a shrink for maybe 2 years... to work on their childhood issues. That way we will understand why we feel the way we do, and be more able to make sure our kids do not have those problems as they grow up :)

I say go talk to your Dr. about it, and see if he/she could recommend a good shrink to talk to. Then have your parents come to an appt with you, as well as your husband (seperately) just so they have a better understanding of what is going on.

It is almost normal to suffer from depression in this day and age, and I feel really strongly about getting help.
It really changed my life, and I have some confidence now (which I never had before) and I am more able to deal with anything that comes my way.

Please do talk to your Dr. even if it is your baby's pediatrician, they will help you. Don't feel bad about it, almost half of the earth struggles from this same type of thing. imagine were we would be if everyone spoke up and got the help they needed.

sorry i've been out of town and just got this. congrats on the baby. please go see your dr. and tell him you need a referal for post pardum depression. no question. don't feel bad, it happens, but be responsible and get yourself better. babies need healthy mamas!! God bless!

Forgive me if I repeat what others have said. Please don't be ashamed either of the feelings or the thoughts you are having. (I have had an anxiety disorder for most of my life, was able to manage it with therapy alone for many years, but after kids it was time for medication, so I have experienced many of the things you are speaking about.) Yes, it is about hormones and brain chemistry, it is not anything that you can control by will or intellect. I am struck by the "intrusive thoughts" that you talk about (that's what they're called) and I want to assure you that they are only thoughts (you are clear about the difference between thoughts and actions, and that is *great*) and that they, too, are the result of hormones and brain chemistry. There are so many good resources that so many people have already mentioned. Know to that you can start with your primary care physician - this person can prescribe you something right away, and make a referral to a counselor and/or a psychiatrist who can help you make more decisions about medication. Also, if you are breastfeeding, know that there are some medications that are safe for breastfeeding (I was so surprised to find out!) but that your priority needs to be taking care of yourself, and if the right medication for you is one that is not compatible with breastfeeding, then take that, and know that you are still doing the absolutely best thing for your baby and your whole family: taking care of yourself so that you can be the amazing mom you know that you are. Go see someone on Monday. Call first thing, and make sure you are seen right away. Even though it can take time for the meds to work, just knowing that you are on the path - and speaking these thoughts and feelings aloud to someone - will help you more than you can know. Best to you on this journey - you will find yourself - as a mom, as a wife, as a person - again.

Yes, this sounds like post partum depression. You are insightful! It sounds like you know this already, but the next step has got you tied up in knots. I think you know this already too, but it would help you to get some medical intervention. Medications can help alot, I started using them after my second child was born and I still use them (I have four kids). Therapy can help too. The symptoms you describe are very classic symptoms of post partum depression. I suffered a LONG time before I got help (my child was 2) and I wish I would have done it sooner. It just wouldn't go away, and I think was my body's way of forcing me to change my ways. I have changed my ways, and I am better for it. I hear your pain so clearly through your writing, I can tell you are a very sensitive soul, and also someone who wants to do the best for your family. I encourage you to see your OB or MD and ask whether they would recommend medications for you. The next thing would be to go to a therapist you like/trust. If you don't know one, you could ask your MD or OB or even a friend or moms on this forum. Please remember that Post partum depression is not your fault, and is not a sign that you are a bad mom or person. THe fact that you are asking for help clearly indicates you are a GOOD mom! Sorry if my response is rambling, I am writing you while managing my 2 little kids and breakfast. I have dealt with depression ALOT personally, and I am also a social worker at a hospital and see these situations professionally. Please send me a private message if you want to ask me any questions or just talk.
Best wishes to you.

C.,
I tried to read over most of the posts to not repeat advice. I agree that depression is like any other medical problems and not to be ashamed of, but also understand the need to maybe keep things away from non supportive people. That might be only necessary for you till you feel a little more like yourself.
There are many mental health care professionals that have early morning and late evening appointments. You can maybe then work around your husbands schedule better. Go in the morning before he might be off to work or in the evening after he is home. You could then have a few appointments in the day when your Mom is around but in wouldn't be a ton. Maybe just one appointment to get a referral. Once you've had a few appointments with a mental health care professional, maybe you can work out a discussion with your Mom.
I encourage you do get help. I know you want to be a great Mom to your kids. It's extremely hard when you feel so bad. I dealt with PPD....not as severe as yours...I feel bad that I wasn't the fun, cheery Mom I wanted to be. My kids didn't get the best from me for a while.
Keep your kids in mind also as you seek help. I'm sure they are very important to you. Push through your worries about your Mom's reaction and get help for their sake and your own.
Think about letting your Mom read your post if that might help. If you need to get help in secret first I think there are ways. It's hard to figure that out when you feel so bad.
Do you have any close good friend that could help you get started? Make appointments for you? I've offered this help to friends of mine that were dealing with depression.
I bet there are people on this list that could get you started. Ask this list for names of people in your area that offer help off hours if that's what you need. I often make appointment for myself that I go to while my kids are still asleep. When I had a 3 month old around they always went with me. Would it be easier to find someone to care for just your 31/2 yo. Are there any drop off child care places that you would be comfortable with? Ask this list if that is too much for you to try to research.
Another thing to think about is if you can delay going back to work for a little longer. I know it's not always possible, but something to consider.
Best wishes and lot of hugs for you.

You have perfectly described clinical depression, C.. I was diagnosed with that 10 years ago, after I began seeing images like the ones you described. The first one I had (the one that drove me to get help) was of the entire church full of people seated ahead of me beheaded and blood gushing everywhere, and me holding a bloody sword. I had images like that after the birth of my son as well, but I was already undergoing treatment and was able to not be freaked out about those.

The shortness of breath and pounding heart you describe after seeing an image could be a panic attack or the beginnings of a panic attack. I had a LOT of those before I sought treatment.

Please don't feel embarrassed to get help. I so wish that your mom was more supportive of your needs in this area- it took my mom several years to finally understand and empathize with what depression is and what it can do to you.
Might she be more supportive than you think? depression eats away at our self-esteem and makes it seem like no one cares or wants to help.

I really think the best thing for you to do is to first talk with your husband- or if you can't do that, write him a letter and/or share your post here with him, so that HE has some idea of what you are going through. My husband was my rock and best support through years of battling depression and anxiety. You need SOMEONE who can be your rock. If it isn't your husband, go to another close family member, or a very trusted friend, and explain what is happening and that you need someone to be there for you right now no matter what. If you are feeling like I did, then this will be hard to do- but do it! You need that unwavering support.

Then, please take the next step and get some professional help. All you need to do is mention to your family doctor that you think you should be screened for depression. If this is too hard for you to do, please have your husband or a friend call and set up an appointment for you requesting you get screened. Your doctor will then ask you a series of questions and give you a list of counselors and therapists in your area, as well as discuss anti-depressants with you.

PLEASE DON'T BE AFRAID TO TRY THE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS! I was SO against taking them at first, but it has been the one thing that keeps me "normal". Therapy, which my first choice, didn't seem to do anything for me, but everyone is different- so I suggest you try some therapy as well.

As I said, I have a long history of dealing with my own depression and anxiety- so if you have other questions, or need additional support, or just someone to listen, please send me a private message. The hardest part of depression is getting started on some sort of treatment plan. Whether you go the route I suggested, or you overhaul your diet and get on an exercise plan and take herbal supplements or start yoga and meditation and affirmations- whatever you want to do, it gets easier after you start!

I can truly say I KNOW how you are feeling, having been there myself. Maybe I can help you to get back on track faster than I did, knowing now what I wish I had known back then 10 years ago.

I'll be thinking about you.
<<HUGS>>
Jennifer

You need to go and see your doctor about this. I just graduated from med school so I can't tell you from experience or anything and i am definitely not a psychiatrist but everything you are saying points to depression with anxiety. You are so overwhelmed with everything you are trying to juggle that you are having anxiety episodes and you are depressed! (anxiety and depression tend to run together often). It is very stressful for anyone to have 2 kids and work and have a good relationship with your husband. And you are trying to do all of those things. You don't need to feel that you should be able to do everything by yourself. Also don't be ashamed to tell your mom about being depressed. I am sure she will be supportive. If you had diabetes, would you tell her? Of course. Depression is also a medical condition, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Also, take some time for yourself and take some time for you and your husband to go on a date night. Use all the babysitters you can, buy frozen dinners for a couple of weeks but Take Care of YOU.
Please, tell you mom and go to see your doctor now! People want to help you.

Please go in a see a doctor. I know exactly what you are going through as I have dealt with the exact same thing. There is no need to be embarassed....it is a chemical imbalance in your brain which you can't do anything about! I was crying all the time and feeling so anxious and yelling at my two kids as well (which I would feel horrible about after I did) and I finally went in. I am now on medication and it is a whole different world. I can enjoy life again, see things in perspective and even like my husband again (hee hee). If you need to talk to someone who has been there and understands please respond back to me okay! I am a wonderful listener and it helps to have someone out there who knows how you are feeling...

Oh C..
I feel so much for you. I'm so sorry life is like this for you right now. It sounds lonely and scary.
I do think you have some Post partum depression. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You've got a ton on your plate and your hormones are still going nuts. Please try to be understanding with yourself.

As for your visions, those are really normal, whether you are depressed or not after having a baby; but more common I think when you're depressed. I have a few friends, as well as me, who had them. They're really scary and disturbing. It sounds like you know they are just thoughts and that you would never do anything about them. If you can just acknowledge that you're having one of those crazy thoughts and not start to analyze it or worry about it, they'll just go away. I think I had those kind of thoughts for about the first year of my daughter's life.
I would think about getting help, via counseling or medication or both...just for a while. And if your mom is bothered by it, too bad. You can't help your hormones wreaking havoc on your body and mind.
I hope this helped.
take care of yourself
A.

If you are hesitant to involve your parents at first, look into your company's benefit offerings. My company has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) which includes 5 phone calls prior to an in-person referral.

You should also be able to discuss with your OB/GYN as part of your post-partum checkup (again, if you are not ready to talk to your parents yet).

Either should be able to provide options on how to discuss with your family.

You may also want to consider using the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) which allows you to leave work up to 12 weeks (unpaid) without repercussions of losing your job (check with your HR department).

I remember similar images, as well, but eventually life got less stressful (mainly when my youngest FINALLY started sleeping through the night at 18 months...) and I was able to enjoy spending time with my kids again. (Now, as 2- and 6-year olds, they can keep themselves entertained while I get other stuff done...!)

How has your return to work gone? (I remember actually looking forward to having LUNCH breaks!). Sometimes having a focus other than the kids can reduce stress.

Other stress-relievers (if any are an option): working part-time for awhile, and/or having outside help with various house chores (cleaning person, sitter, having groceries delivered every once in a while).

Helping yourself can be the best way to help your family. "Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others." There is a balance somewhere - it just seems to take us all a lot of time and support to find it. I hope things get better for you soon!!

It sounds to me like depression. Please go see someone. Don't be embarrassed or worried what your parents will think. If this happened to you before it does not get easier with two kids! We all get overwhelmed at times but you should be having more fun than stress. Go see a doctor or a therapist to talk about your feelings, please! You will be a better mom and your children will be happier when you are not overwhelmed.

Sounds like maybe some anxiety as well? Mental health has such a stigma and it shouldn't. Seek help--pregnancy can play havoc on hormones--it's not your fault. I have also had freaky "images"--carry baby down the stairs and the thought pops in my head of us falling down them; or her getting her fingers/head caught under the leg portion of the recliner. Not sure what that really is, but if it persists and happens often, I would seek help on that too. Hang in there. Seek help!

WOW! SO many awesome replies to this! Absolutely you need to take care of momma before the kids! It's so overwhelmingly hard to switch that focus, but you recognize the areas that you need to care for - . The glaring holdback seems to be your parents, and I'm so linked with that. I can't ever lie or go around an issue with my parents, but if it makes things any easier - tell them just a portion of the problem, and ask if they can care for your children as you have it checked out. Maybe telling them just one of the symptoms - did you say you're feeling tired, too? or that your hormones aren't back in order and you'd like your physician to check that out. And just keep them informed on that one issue - and in the meantime, get help for all of it. Any more, it's more common for folks to ask for that depression help. And it's more common to talk about in social situations. Recently (over the past five years or so), I've visited with close friends who'd been treated for depression through the years - that I hadn't been aware of. It was so relieving for each of us to admit to and offer one another a new level of support. I too have depressive tendencies and have tried both therapy and meds. I, too, kept the bottom line away from my parents - and they, likely, are a contributor (genetically and childhood related). But over the course of treatment, was able to minimize or remove the meds all together. It was ON the meds that I could see clearly enough to search for and do more natural things to balance my body. For instance - I recognize the desire in myself to pull the blinds and keep that sunlight out - and when I feel it coming - I go outside and get right in it. For me, it's like a cup of coffee. Vitamin D soaks right in and cheers me. We take Omega 3's in as many forms as possible. Nutritional supplements and in any spreads, too.

Take baby steps. Make an appointment. Tell your parents just what you feel comfortable with, for now.

As for stressing over being alone with the kids - do you have any ways of joining up with playgroups or walking to a park? Getting out of the house, getting fresh air and exercise - and maybe chatting with other moms as kids are with you but totally at play?

I also kept a close friend informed at work and another at home. Told them I was trying a med for my depression - and could they be a sounding board for me - and help to see if there were any weird things or frightening things that either my husband or physician should be aware of. I shared my husband's cell numbers with each and asked that they contact him immediately - just about anything that might show the meds were NOT working. Or to give me a check point... a place to go if I was panicking over just anything. Thankfully, I had a dear co-worker who hugged me and said she'd watch over me - and a dear friend that phoned each evening to see how the day went - all connecting me with someone outside of myself and the kids as I worked on getting back.

Good luck, C.! I'll be thinking and praying that you find ways to get to your physician to start the process of getting back to you :)

T.

It sounds like you need to get some medical help. I've been there with anxiety, and ya know, my husband never understood it, my mom never understood it, but I had to do what was right for myself and my daughter to be a happy, loving, patient mommy. You need to not worry about what your parents think: this is your life, and if they have never had depression or anxiety, they won't understand. You have a lot on your plate right now, and if a little medication helps ease the load, why wouldn't you try it? One thing to remember too: it doesn't have to be forever. Your kids are young, you're just going back to work, it sounds like a really stressful time in your life. Your marriage is very important too, and you need to be close to your husband. Honestly, you should talk to a professional. There are natural ways to go about it too, but you have to do something. Sure those thoughts are just thoughts, but you never know if you might one day just snap. who knows.

Good luck to you, my heart is with you. It will get easier, but sometimes we need a little extra help to get us there. Then in a couple years, once life is easy again, you could always go off it. Think about your girls and not about your parents.

Dear C.,
It sounds to me like you have received some great advice. I have only one thought to add. If your mom, dad or husband are having trouble accepting this try having them read some of these responses. Try having them look on line or REALLY look at you and your actions of late. They can either be of help or hurt right now and you want to surround yourself with loving, understanding and helpful people. If necessary, you can actually say to them that this is not about them or their opinions, but about you. Hopefully you have a wonderful loving family that will rise to the occasion. I come from a background of depression both in me and my family, but my husband did not. It took some time for him to some around, but he did. Especially after he saw the changes in me when I was on medication and seeing a counselor. Sometimes both is not necessary, but sometimes it is. DO what is best for you!

I had the same thing when my son was born. You need to get help. You shouldn't be ashamed!!! You need a support system and your family should know. I could not have made it without my parents and brothers help.
If you need or want information on where I go, etc...e-mail me and I can give you more information.
Don't let it go and don't think it will get better on it's own.

Hey C., I am a mother of four nand i experienced same or similar problems as you.....I did however seek proffessional advice and did not mention the image thing because i too was afraid that was a bit too much...Anyways i started to take prozac at 40 ml and that did seem to help alot. Yes- that is post pardom depression and yes that is actually normal so you are sane!!!! You just might need a little help to find your balance again. Also, a job may be benificial to you for so you can get your mind off of things. Remeber to take deep breaths and blow out slowly and try to try to relax. Take bubble baths pamper yourself when you get a chance... You will feel much better. And also it does get worse with each child so mentally prepare your self for that. Stay strong....Peace.

I did not read all the other posts first, but scanned the first few and saw lots of go get meds, go get counseling appointments etc. Fine, if that is what you want to do and it feels right, by all means go ahead if you can.
I want to say that in reading your post I felt that I can relate. I felt many of the things you mentioned--yes, we love our kids, but these feelings come up.
For me, I had to very clearly draw the line and find time for ME. I had to call in reinforcements (Grandma) so that I was 100% comfortable with my kids care and then get the heck away--I needed this as often as I could get it. that's just what worked for me. If you haven't had a break in a while it could be a start. Each issue is unique. Please know you are not alone. Keep talking to people--here or other places.

Tell your parents, they already know you had it with the first and let's face it, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. This is a hormonal imbalance and you need to have it taken care of, just as if you were going through medipause and needed hormonal replacement therepy. Not only the safety of your children depends on your getting help, but the security of your children and the health of your marriage, get the help you need to give your children a calm happy home.

I know you don't want parents involved but can you ask your husband for help? Making dinners or paying for the occasional sitter when you need to go to an appointment? Depression is very difficult and stress brings out the worst in all. Find a way to get help so the effects don't fall on the kids. Definitely speak with your doc and don't forget that getting a little time for yourself, eating right, and a little exercise can go a long way too. Good luck.

I agree with the other posters that, to start, you need to see someone and get an antidepressive. I took Zoloft after I had my daughter 9 years ago for post partum; I was on it about 9 months, then I went off.

A few years ago, I was found to have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I was put on two different antidepressives. In Aug 2008, I started seeing an Integration Doctor, because I'm very concerned about taking too many pharmaceutical drugs (I am a slow metabolizer, meaning drugs don't work the same on me as someone else and I have a higher tendency to get toxic overloads). She started me on taking Vit D3. I got off both of my antidepressives for SAD and didn't even use my light therapy all last winter.

Vit D3 helps enormously for mood stability. Those of us who live in these northern climates are usually drastically deficient in it. You do have to watch out, though, that you don't get toxic on it. My lab test in Jan 09 was 37; taken again in May it was 89 (too high); taken again in July it was 69, which is better.

I feel more awake and less brain fogged than I have in years. And I attribute it to giving my body what it needs: Vit D3. I just don't get out in the sun as often or as much as I'd like to.

Good luck. Look after yourself, for your children's sake.

C.,

Depression and anxiety are diseases. You are not at fault and you are not a bad person for having these problems. You need to seek help just like you would if you had cancer. You are putting yourself and your girls at-risk if you continue to live in desperation. I know it's easy for me to say don't worry about what your parents think, but truly, you need to put your well-being and that of your children first. No one should have to live in such internal pain the way you are. Depression IS treatable and seeking help is the most noble thing you could do right now.

There's a depression hotline for postpartum moms. The number is 1-800-PPD-MOMS. It's a place to start where you can be anonymous and speak to someone who can truly listen and begin to help.

My thoughts are with you!
-B.

Hi C., I will start by saying that I don't know much about post partum depression as I am an adoptive mommy, but I saw Brooke Shields on Oprah on this topic and she said she was having feelings like you about driving off the road, etc. and that if you are feeling this way, to ask for help. Please don't be embarrassed to ask. I am sure your family wants to help you and wants you to be healthy! It is nothing to be ashamed of - many women suffer from post partum! (and many women suffer from post adoption depression as well, I have learned). My friend was feeling just the same way that you are after her last baby and she has some medication now and no longer feels like hurting the baby. Please, please get some help so that you don't do something that you regret.
blessings!
D.

Don't worry about what your parents or anyone else thinks. They should be trying to help you get better, not giving you grief.

I have a long history with depression and horrible postpartum depression with each pregnancy. I also get the anxiety attacks like you do with the "visions" and the panicky feelings. You NEED to talk to your doctor about this, and never feel ashamed for getting medication and help. Being a mother is an incredible gift, but it's a very stressful gift at times. :P

If you'd like to talk on a more personal venue, please feel free to email me at ____@____.com ANYTIME. Sometimes just having someone to vent to helps. :) You're in my prayers. :)

First of all let me say thanks for asking us for advice. It really sounds like depression. Depression is not a sign of weakness or a reason for shame. It is a serious illness. Please talk to your Dr. and get help. You say you're not going to do the things that you have visioned but ine day what if you just snap. It can happen. Your parents should help you not make you feel guilty for addmitting that you are seeking help for an illness that affects several million people in the United States. If you have symptons of sadness, guilt, irrtabilty, mental symptons, physcial symptons, loss of energy, loss of interest, sleep changes, and or sucidal thoughts GET HELP NOW. Please help yoursel and your family. Remember there is no shame or weakness in getting help. Please keep in touch with us. You will be in my family's thoughts and prayers.

Please, get help now. Don't wait. The visions you have could lead to a psychotic episode where the unthinkable happens. It isn't your fault, its your hormones going crazy right now. You need to tell your family what is happening so they can step up and help with the kids and also watch for any signs of this worsening. Please, don't wait. I will be praying for you and your babies.

Hi C..
The best thing is you recognize what is happening- so feel good about it.
Enlist the help of your friends and family-- make them aware of what you think is happening.
Do seek professional help-- they will most likely prescribe something.
AND -- add in a good omega 3 fatty acid. It's important for brain and overall body function and your baby depletes your stores. It takes up to 3 years to replenish them without supplementation and with back to back babies-- you're the perfect set up for deficiency.
They are doing clinical studies showing the link to post partum. To test to see if it's a good one-- you take a styrofoam cup and but hot water-- almost boiling- and the omega should melt the cup away pronto-- otherwise it's a bad grade as styrofoam is made up partially of fat type molecules.
Anyway-- with effort and help-- this too will pass. Parenting can be overwhelming. Take care of yourself first.

About me: 48 yo perfusionist and wellness coach for worldwide nutrition company and biggest loser coach for $ nationwide, wife, and mom to 7 yo twin girls.

B. J