Is This Normal for a Sahm

I am a sahm of 5...I also feel this way. My husband is gone Sunday morning until Friday night. It is just me and the kids. I totally understand how you feel, and I think it is normal. If you would like to chat. you can email me at ____@____.com and we can keep in touch. I hope it gets better for you.

I think it is normal to feel unappreciated. I have never been a sahm, but I know this feeling. I think the most important thing is that you see what you do. You also need to talk to your husband and let him know you work very hard as well and would like some recognition for that. Even if it is just a thank you, or him taking the kids for a few hours on Sunday. In the end, you probably will end up frustrated most of the time. I would caution you though. I spent a lot of time being mad at my husband for doing the same thing. I lost him this summer to a seizure, and very much regret that we spent so much time fighting over something that just did not really matter in the grand scheme of things.

No, Debbie, you are not losing it. I think we all deal with this. I bet even Cave Mama felt unappreciated when Grog was off on a hunting party with the guys, she had to watch and protect the little ones, gather food (that was actually the majority of her family's nutrition), and sweep the cave.

Our society fills little girls' heads with stories of PRINCE CHARMING and happily-ever-after. We do not realistically teach or learn that MOST women will spend some, likely large, portion of their life alone. We are taught that alone is vulnerable, unhealthy, weird. This leaves single women, widows, and SAHM's having to learn to deal with a lack of support.

At least you have reached out across the Internet to women who understand and sympathize. There have been, and still exist on the planet today, societies where women have such restricted, unhappy lives.

I guess my "advice," then, is you are not alone. Make a list of all the GOOD things you have. A husband. Children. A home. Competence. Love.
Really, write it down. Hopefully, it can help put things in a little perspective. Then, maybe find another SAHM out there who is worse off than you and be a friend.

Thank you for being a wonderful human being, a loving mother, and a good person!

K.

Like everyone else has mentioned it is normal. I too am a sahm of 4 plus take care of my friends little boy while she works. Someone else had mentioned to take an hour a day for yourself. Trust me it helps you. I keep telling myself, that even thou the other half does not recognize what I have done, at least I know I have done it and like what I did. When my 5yr old leaves for school at 12:45p I put the two little ones down for a nap and I play on the computer while they nap. I do it more than that sometimes (like now) when I can, but for that one hour I do get quiet time for myself and I take advantage of it. Try what the other Mom said her hubby did. Have yours take a "fake sick day" and let him see what you do everyday. Mine did that, and he said he will NEVER say I do nothing again. He even said I have a hectic day just like he does.. It will get a little better as time goes on. Just remember - You know what you do and you appreciate it. That's all that matters for now. If you ever want to talk-- ____@____.com

Like it or not, this is normal. It is also normal to feel the way you do. My husband does the same thing. He feels that since I am home all dy with the kids, its my job to eevrything around the house. that Is just a man's way of thinking. You are doing a great job even if no one recognizes it. It is hard and aalso rewarding at the same time. Just think about it, you will not miss any milestones with your kids, you save on daycare, and when they are at school, you have time for yourself even if its only for a little while. My advice to you is to find something you like to do outside of your home at least one day a week that is for yourself. take a class, join a club or gym or go to a spa if you have the time. Treat yourself like royalty. You are a hardworking mom you deserve it. As for your husband, talk to him about how you are feeling maybe you can plan a date on Sunday evening without the kids. You two have to have time to yourselves a least once a week. That keeps the marraige strong. I know he appreciates you he is just too tired to show it!! I don't know if this will be any help. Let me know how this works out. Stay strong, I believe in you.

Yes I felt the same way when I quit my job! It took a while to get used to everything, I think what helped me was finding my "paycheck" in other things. Like when my daughter says please and thank you without being prompted to do so. I would think "yeah that's all me!" That's why I stay home My paycheck is knowing I'm raising my kids and making sure they are the best they can be! Now when they are horrible and I just want to sit in a corner and cry because I'm sure I wouldn't be missed ( and it happens often) I just remember that every job has it's perks and the really crappy parts and the perks of my job don't compare!!!!! What you need is a break!! Order pizza and rent a movie for the kids and find a good book or what ever your hobbie is and take an hour or two for yourself!! Go to your room or take a bath and hind while they watch their movie! No PTA girlscout or anything else allowed during that time and do it once a week! I'm sure you've heard this before but sometimes saying "no" makes you a better person than ALWAYS being there, you'll find that you will be taken advantage of!! Insted of being pres. maybe just a helper! Take a break mom and know you'll get through it being home with your kids is the best for them and I believe society!!

When I first married my husband he was wonderful, and then he started working 70-80 hour work weeks, at night. He became a completely different man, more like what you are describing. It was very hard all those years and needless to say we had marital problems, my husband just swtiched jobs 2 months ago and he is now down to 50 hours, he is now in a better work enironment- and is back to his old great personality. I think that what happens is the working all the time kills them. They have nothing left to give physically and emotionally. My husband felt that he was doing the most important thing-taking care of his family and that was all he could do. I had to learn to just be there for him, the kids, the home, do everything and try to support him so he was not so miserable. Yes, it is very hard but it is normal. I now realize how much it took from my husband, and i feel so bad that I wasn't more loving. After all those years, I realized that if I tried to be moe thankful/loving to him-- I got more from him. Good Luck. It may help to arrange a few hours of "me" time, maybe see if there is someone who you could swap kids with weekly to get that time. I missed my husband too much to have him watch the kids, so I never got time alone, which drained me also. Helathy food, natural vitamins, etc, also helped my husband and I become nicer!!!! I especially recommend "Perfect Food"

I think this is very normal, especially for someone who hasn't always been a sahm, coming from the "excitement" of an outofthehouse job it's hard to get used to the SAHM lifestyle. You don't get annual performance reviews to tell you you're doing great and deserve more money, it's a very thankless job. I have several times had to sit down with my husband and remind him about my needs and feelings. When he gets home at night he just wants to "relax". He doesn't always appreciate that I want to relax too. He never wants to go out because he's been away from home all day and all I want to do is go out because I couldn't make up an excuse to get out. Try and get into a routine, including your husband in as much as possible. Discuss with him what he needs to get going in the morning and decide what he needs to do for himself and what you will do for him. I make his coffee and lunch, but that's about it. If he's out of socks because he didn't tell me he was on the last pair, then he can dig through the laundry to find them (:-) Make sure you guys talk or it won't work out well. You are not alone in your feelings - it is truly the most under-appreciated job in today's society, so much value is placed on careers and I think alot of women struggle with this. Good for you for sacrificing for your family. I think that everyday I regret and at the same time couldn't dream of changing my mind about staying home. I just know in the end it will be worth it - my children will have memories of me playing with them, not a nanny or day care center.

Good luck and chin-up!

It is normal. I am a sahm of a one year old girl. My honey works 2 jobs so that I can stay home. To make matters even worse, since our daughter was born, I have had no car while my honey is at work. So not only do I feel unappreciated, I can't even get out to take our daughter to the park or to run to the grocery store. Just take your time, maybe get rid of some of the extracurricular things you do. Talk to your doctor about your crying. You may have some depression. Good luck. Please message me if you want to talk more.

Hi, i am also a stay at home mom of a 2 yr old and it can be challenging to find new things to do everyday and to keep them entertained. My thing is this, once my kids are all in school, I plan on at least getting a part time job. I dont see any point in me being home all the time, if my kids aren't. Since your kids are in school, maybe you'd want to consider a part time job while they are away. Maybe work 2-3 days a week or something. That way, you can get out and meet people, feel productive, have a little extra spending money and still have some time to yourself to do the shopping and cleaning or whatever you need to do at home. You also get the best of both worlds.

Ok first yes it is normal, but something no one here has yet seemed to mention unless i missed it is you signed on for the toughest least rewarding lowest paying completely unrecognized job around, the stay at home parent. and it has it's perks don't get me wrong i'm a stay at home mom and child care provider and i love it but it took me 7 years to be able to give up my job where ppl actually realized i did things and want to stay home. my best advice is find somthing that is just for you. something that makes you feel good about yourself, that reminds you that you are a persona and nopt just mommy. you said your kids are all in school, so take an hour of that time and do something that is just for you and do it everyday or at least most normal days. as for your husband if you can't talk to him and make him see then ou'll just ahve to learn to live with it and hopefully his schedual will calm down and he will realize that what you are doing is just as hard if not harder than what he is doing. mine made the mistake of taking a fake sick day thinking he could spend teh day with me and he has been so very understanding of my job since then. it seemed he thought i sat on my butt in front of the tv all day and the house just cleaned itself and all teh errands got ran by someone else. so good luck, know that even if your kids are to young to know it yet they will love you later for being home. good luck

wow. i dont have it as rough as you, i only have the one baby, but i sympathize. so *hugs* to you. what you feel is pretty normal, tho. (ever see the invisible mom commercial?) have you ever mentioned to your husband how you're feelin? not in a mean way but . . . in a 'i know you work hard and i appreciate it. and i work hard too, and i feel really unappreciated.' maybe if you just mention it, he would at least say thanks for cleaning the house today or thanks for taking care of the kids today or something.

something that may help is to take a day off. while the kids are at school, go get a massage or just sit in a bubble bath and relax for a bit. you're very very active and maybe you're just starting to feel a little burned out, you know? i'm not at all active in the community and just being at home with a six month old and trying to keep the house semi-clean is difficult for me, sometimes i just need a BREAK. or have your hubby take your kids out on his day off and you take some 'me time.' its not selfish, its important to keep you energized.

again, *big hugs* hope things get better.

I would suggest that you and your husband go out on a date - it's very normal to feel this way being a sahm - the thing is since you don't see your husband very often you also feel like a single sahm which is very very hard. Plan a picnic on a Sunday that he's home in the middle of your living room floor - anything to have time together - whenever my husband and I get really snippy with each other - or I feel like the world is against me - my husband and I know that it's time to slow down and just take a few minutes out for us.

The other night my best friend came over at 9:00pm to be in our house just incase the kids woke up so that my husband and I could get out of the house together at the same time - all we did was go to a coffee house and then drive around - it was awesome!!

I hope this helps,
Take Care,
Mel

Hello Debbie,you are not alone in these kinds of feelings..I have been a stay at home mom for about 2 years now..and it is normal to feel this way...I have 3 children too.two are in school and I have one at home with me now..also i am expecting once more..due in January 2007..anyways it gets hard at times but cheer up..it does get better..plan a day out with your husband..or just plan a day or two by yourself and call friends and family members to help out..you don't have to do it all on your own...I feel for you..and also discuss with your husband your feelings and see about workin something out with him..well i wish you luck and let me know what happens
I am always here to help
take care
B. and the family

Debbie,
I read your request and it brought tears to my eyes because I am a SAHM too and have had the same feelings. My husband works from home so I do see him but it's not like quality time because he is working. I feel like I wake up with the kids and go to bed with the kids, never time for me. At first I felt like my husband was taking me for granted and any time I would say anything about it he would say "you wanted to be a SAHM". I think over time though and a lot of talking he has come around and does help and show appreciation for what I do.
The days can be lonely and monotonous but I found keeping myself busy and having family nights really helps. I can definitely relate to the feeling that you do and do for everyone and nothing is for you, it feels kinda crummy huh. I started taking time out with friends and my husband and I have gone on a few date nights so that has helped, maybe you need a date with your hubby to feel more like a "woman/wife" again and not just a "mom. I also recently started a part-time job and my husband watches the kids and you wouldn't believe the comments he makes, he seems so surprise by how much work the kids are. lol
Anyhow, I just want you to know that the way you are feeling is completely normal and you are not alone. I think talking with you husband heart to heart about how you are feeling would be a start and getting out with friends really makes a difference too. I wish you much luck and hang in there, it does get better (I've been a SAHM for 4 years now). If you ever need an ear to talk to feel free to contact me on a private message.

Take care,
D.

Hi Debbie! My name is K. and I've been a SAHM for almost 4 years. I'm 29 years old and my kids are 3 1/2 (4 in April) and almost 2 (January). I worked since I was 16 years old and my husband and I decided that I would stay home to raise our kids after we got married. My mom was a SAHM also. I understand your frustration! It gets tedious when you're the only one home, you're trying to keep the house up, help the kids with what they need and not get the recognition. I've had times that I've felt like that. My husband works for the rail road, so he's not home a lot either. It's normally me and 2 kids under 4! Stress is my middle name...lol. But, I get through it. I have great friends I can vent to, e-mail, and call. Luckily, I have also been blessed with a great husband that, after experiencing one day with this, understood what I went through...lol. We let each other have one day with 2-4 hours to ourselves. We go out, relax, visit friends or just sit down at a coffe shop (that's my favorite!). If you ever need to vent, I'll be here to reply!

Yes, it's normal. Since being a sahm is sa under appreciated by husbans especially take time for you. Every other week I get out of thew house, away from baby, husband, errands, and chores I get a latte and go get my nails done, its me time and everyone knows that (I also leave my cell phone at home, our husbands are grown men and can take care on their own children and themselves for an hour) I have also gotten a very part time, seasonal job for when my little girl is at day care 2x a week.

Debbie,

First of all I know how you feel and I appreciate your honesty. I too have always worked until we moved last April. I was 6mths pregnant and big as a house so needless to say no one was hiring. My husband is a manager at Ruby Tuesday so his schedule varries but he usually has the closing shift and does the sleep most of the day and not much around the house. I too wanted to stay home after my daughters birth, however, now all feel like is the maid named mom who produces milk (I am breastfeeding and love it but it is very demanding). Even though my daughter is small and keeps me busy I often times feel very disconnected from my husband and life. I have very few friends where I live and I am the only one of them with a newborn. You may try volunteering some place to feel like you are doing something for yourself or join a group.

In the past I volunteered at a place where you could get free pregnancy test, pre-natal help, baby clothes, just baby help and really enjoyed working with the young women. It is encouraging for both them and myself plus I am giving back to the community. Most communities have these kinds of places and where I was, was very flexable. I also like to take a day and do something for myself each month. Sometimes it is a haircut, massage, nails, etc. just to feel better, a little more like a women and a little less like a mom for an hour or two and no friends are needed but it's nice when they come too.

As far as your husband and family, you know your kids appreciate you, however, they just don't know it yet. I never realized how much my mom did for our family until I started one of my own. Husbands on the other hand are difficult. I started leaving my husband little notes in his wallet, car, or in our bathroom letting him know how much I appreciate him and what he does or I just to let him know I am thinking about him and wish him a good day. Once I started doing that he started taking a bit more notice of what I do. A few times a week he leaves me a note or he brings me home a card or flower or just something I like.

Something else you might try is waiting up for him on Friday or Saturday night when you don't have to get up quite as early the next morning. Give him a little time to wind down, I usually take a bath while mine "de-bugs" and then engage him in some cuddle time or conversation just try not to "nag" during this time keep it stress free and special. I found when I did a little to make him feel important to me he was a little less stressed and trys to make me feel special too.

Not sure if this will help but it may be worth a try. I wish all the best and hang in there, I appreciate you being so honest about your situation and it is nice to know I am not alone.

J.