Is This Just a Phase?

Hi S.,

Some babies just go through this and it usually is a phase, but sometimes not. What you might want to try is putting her down like on a blanket or in her stroller and step away enough for her not to really see you then have whom ever wants to carry her come and interact with her first then they can try picking her up in a few minutes, that way she doesn't feel as if they are taking her away from you.

I hope it works and I hope things go well with her daddy when he gets home.

Aloha Z.

HI S.,
First off - yes, this is a phase. Babies go through them as they hit different developmental stages. Early on they're usually pretty okay with anyone holding them, but as they get older, they see the world more clearly, begin to make connections and often just want one or two people to hold them. Her emotions are very real so if she doesn't want to be held by certain people, I would listen to that. She needs YOU as much as possible, particularly because you work. It sounds like you're doing a great job with tummy time and all that but remember babies need touch to survive and to echo what Terra said, you CAN'T spoil a baby under a year and they're too young to "manipulate" you.

As for your husband coming home, yes, she will probably be unsure of him for a while. I would expecct and prepare for this but try not to worry about it. She'll pick up on that. If you're happy to see your husband and loving around her when he's there, she should gradually be more and more happy to see him. He's her father and she will know that eventually but how can she right away when she hasn't seen him? Remind him that it's normal too and to take is slow and easy with her - maybe hold her when she's asleep so that she gets used to his smell.

I didn't see my father until I was a couple months old as a baby and it took a while for me to warm up to him (apparently). This also happened again when he went on an extended trip when I was little. I don't remember that but I do know how much I love my dad and what a great relationship we have so really - try not to worry!!! The more calm and happy you are about all of this, the better off everyone will be.

Good luck - and have fun with your daughter. This is such an amazing age. Just think of how her daddy's heart will melt when she finally flashes him her big smile :)

My daughter is almost 14 months and has been doing this since she was 4 months. I have no idea what it's about, other than she is really attached to her mama! She prefers me above all others, even her dad. Although her dad is still one of the few people she likes. Her Grandma (my mom) is another. Everyone else is hit-or-miss... mostly miss.

I hate to say this (and I hope I am wrong), but she will probably initially freak out with your husband at first. However since he is in your home and will see her on a daily basis, she'll probably warm up to him fairly quickly.

I also want to add - and you have probably heard this before - you cannot "spoil" a baby. What babies crave the most is human contact, particularly Mommy. Food spoils when left unattended on a shelf. It makes me sad when people believe that holding and cuddling a baby lots can lead to "spoiling." It can't.

Hope all goes well for you and your husband!

Hi S.,
Please get a copy of Dr. Spock's "Baby and CHild care". He says, and I strongly agree that you *can't* spoil an infant. Any holding you do is benefiting your baby by helping her brain and muscles to develop. Putting her down will allow you time to get essentials done but right now, your job is just to hold her. Her crying is a way to let you know she needs you a little more.
She'll soon be comfortable in the arms of others. There may be a period of adjustment when her daddy gets back. I'd warn him of this so he doesn't get disappointed. As he eases his way back into her affections, she'll recognize his touch and become comfortable with him as well.
There is a time, around 8 months old when she'll experience "stranger anxiety" and panic when she can't see you. As long as you realize that, and comfort her through it, she'll master that developmental task well. "Peek-a-boo" games teach her that you 'disappear' but then return.
Hope this helps, P.

It very well could be a phase. Here's my opinion ... respond in kind. I have 2 children, 4 yrs and 9 months and with both, as the child got clingy .. my natural response was to pull away, wanting to make her ok with it, stress, wanting to get away from the child or put the child down or give her to someone ... why am I fighting this battle ... time is so short. If the baby clings to you and only you, cling back. Embrace it. Strap the baby on you with a sling or bjorn or backpack so you can get your household stuff done if you need to feel productive. Return the child's energy with "yes, I will stop the world and melt with you on the couch together cuddling." I've found this is the fastest easiest and most satisfying way to end the clingyness. Although it's not my automatic response, whenever I remembered to do this, both my children responded with independence after a short cuddle. I kept then trying to cling to them and this made the babies beam with smiles and seemed fulfilled. They went from not getting enough of me to having too much. Then I could get back to life. Actually I prefer the cuddles to the cleaning and cooking so I changed as well realizing the children are my life and showing them love by clinging back is what I do the rest for so I should stop and cling when they need it.

The doctor told us the children have phases where they cling to one parent and then shift and only want the other parent and that's so that they can learn from each parent and focus on one parent at a time. When the child rejects the other parent, that parent should relax and know they're time will come soon. Sooner if they can relax about it and not take it personally ... so prepare your husband so he doesn't react or get hurt by it and let it happen ... go with the flow.

Another thing I did was over exagerate his home comings by holding the child and running to the door yelling "yeah, Daddy's home!" every time I heard his car pull up. Hugs, kisses, smiles, laughter. Pretty soon the baby was reaching for him. Imediately turned and wanted back and went back and forth and we call it the "back and forth game" and keep the smiles and laughter going.

And show your child photos of daddy and let your child see you hugging him and cuddling him alot too. Spoil yourself, cling to each other.

A she was entering a new developmental stage my daughter would start doing something she never did before (usually not new and good things ;-) At about 3 months she decided it was me or no one, too!

Luckily I caught on quick and what really helped was giving her even more Mama time until she rode out the changes going on in her little body and brain.

Instead of tummy time try holding her higher up against your shoulder and dancing to music in the living room. My daughter LOVED it and she held up her head and sat up on her own way ahead of schedule. Just start gently and have fun! It's kind of like baby Pilates - good core work for the both of you!

I know it's more difficult when you work but giving her more body contact with you will assure her that her Mommy will be there. It's hard work being a baby! Instead of her swing, put her in a front carrier and take her for a swing on a real swing.

It may seem like so much to handle on your own since your husband is gone and you're working - but you'll not only be making a lasting impression on your daughter that when the going gets tough you will be there for her, and dancing and swinging and being close to your daughter and her sweet baby smell really will make your day better!

When she seems to be through this developmental rough spot, she'll be on to another so be prepared ;-)

I agree with the others that she probably will freak when your husband comes home (if she is still not wanting to be held by other people.) She doesn't know him yet, but she will, and soon enough her world will revolve around him and you'll be longing for these days of Velcro Baby!

But if this is his first child, he'll probably be equally freaked (and thrilled). Give him a heads up and he may welcome the "out" initially. Spend time cuddling on the couch with your daughter AND your husband and she'll be seeing the both of you as her family - that loves her SO much!

Good luck! Boy, I miss the baby days... =)

Hi S.....

Your baby girl might just be going through a new stage... yeah welcome to those. The best thing about stages is with time they all pass. Obviously she's having some sort of stranger anxiety, even though she has been around these other people daily she might just want no one but you right now. Just keep doing things the way you were and keep having your friends and other people take her, if even just for a few minutes, she will eventually find her trust in them again.

As for the homecoming... This is a whole new issue. My baby was 3 months when her daddy left and was 10 months when he got home. No matter whether they have met before or never ever..there will be some stranger issues when he gets home. You gotta do what most of us Navy wives do..make daddy the super hero. She's heard his voice through video confrencing and hopefully the ship has allowed him to send home a dvd of him reading books to her? If you have those, keep letting her hear his voice daily, even if it kills you to hear his voice over and over and miss him so much, just remember it's a familiarization thing. Her hearing his voice nad showing her pictures of him constantly will help. He will most likely have to go to one or two of those briefings before they come hom in regard to coming home to a child, to help them prepare for homecoming. Just also let him know whats going on so he has an idea of whats going on. She will eventually grow out of this..it may jusy be that right now she wants her mommy and she may not act out with the sitter, but when it's her and mommy time she only wants her mommy. Love her up and spend as much time as you can with her.. from experiance..when you need to get away from am inute still have one of your friends come hang with her for a few minutes at a time. Like if you have to run to the mini mart or something, short periods will help. As for daddy she'll learn him very soon and eventually she will want him and only him as our little girls normally do. Daddy becomes super man to them and it's a great thing. Good luck and congrats on your home coming.

I'm sure that it's just a phase, but my son never went thru it. I made sure to hand him off, a lot, from the get-go. I made sure that I demonstrated my love for everyone that I handed him off to, right in front of him, as I was handing him off. It was important to me, to have him know that we would never leave him in the hands of anyone we didn't love and trust, and that he could love and trust them too.
It may take a while to get thru this phase, and if your husband really loves his family, he'll be patient and understanding, and hold his daughter and love her on her terms, until he and she have built up a bond.
My advice to you is cross that river when you get there. Don't waste time worrying about it ahead of time, because it's only one possible eventuality. We can't foresee all eventualities. I fancy myself a novice psychic and I happen to know for a fact, that we're only given the info. that we can handle, and only what the spirits want us to know. I'm usually only shown most likely scenarios, myself.
You have enough worries, in your here and now, and really don't need to waste your time and sap your strength by worrying about one possible unhappy future, which would eventually work itself out, anyway.
We all have trouble living in the moment, because our parents always told us to prepare for the worst, which is self defeating in that it causes us to begin to believe that the worst is going to happen, which is a strength drainer. The worst case scenario is never inevitable, and actually is a rarity for those who don't let themselves get stuck in that mentality.
Read my blog: Prepare For What?!
WWW.Perfectdaymassage.com
If you're always preparing for the worst, what is your daughter sensing from you? Our children feed off of our emotions, no matter how we think we're hiding them.

I want to reiterate and show my support of the "You can't spoil a baby" theory. I'm so confident in this, I'll make you a deal: Hold her as much and as often as she asks for. If it spoils her, call me in 5 years and I'll foot her therapy bill. :-)

As far as your husband is concerned: You can't worry and Baby can't fake it. She'll treat him like a stranger, most likely. She'll respond better and better to him, but she'll need you to be her "security" source while she's adjusting to longer times in his arms. Just listen to her; she'll tell you what she's comfortable with.

Some links I like:

http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/smart_love....
http://www.awareparenting.com/
http://www.babycenter.com/

J. Smithson
Loving Hands Learn 'n' Play
http://www.lhlearnandplay.com

Are you breastfeeding? If so, she probably just wants her comfort/food source and of course, her mommy with her. If she doesn't do it in the daytime (when you're not around,) then she is learning (very quickly) that if she cries, you'll get her (no matter who else is holding her.) In the daytime, she doesn't have that option. You can't spoil a young baby. I wouldn't worry about it, unless she still does it at 8 months. Perhaps when your husband gets home, you can have him hold her with a shirt you've worn (so she can smell you too,) just until she gets use to him.

When my daughter was very young (around 2-3 mos old) she began to get freaked out if anyone besides myself held her or even coochie-cooed over her!! It was very stressful for me and I can't help but think back now and wonder if my own nervousness and uncertainty about infancy played a part? I can only tell you it was a phase that she eventually did grow out of and is now 2 and very comfortable around others. Just keep exposing her to new things and surroundings, all the while being loving and accepting of her yourself. She will come around. As far as your husband, she will probably take a while to warm up. Try to be patient and don't force it. I believe if you display any sort of anxiety, the baby picks up on it and will be anxious too. Best of luck to you.

I went through this same thing with my daughter, from birth till she was 5 months old she wanted absolutely nothing to do with my husband or anyone else if i was around her. if i was gone she was ok with other women, but still wanted nothing to do with her daddy, now finally she is all for him, it just took alot of work, handing her over every hour or so when i was home from work to him and hand him hold her, crying and all. just be persistant and your child will come around and get over this stage. good luck

S., I have 5 mos old twin girls. At 3 mos, my oldest went through "stranger anxiety". I spoke to the pediatrician & she says that it can occur earlier than projected with an infant whose mother is home to care for them. The phase lasted about a month & the way I dealt with it was to still pass her to others even if she fussed or cried. We let her know she was safe & that mommy was nearby & she eventually worked through it. She is now allowing complete strangers come up & talk to her without breaking out into screams. Unfortunately, now her twin sister is starting a bit of "the phase".