Is There Something Wrong with Me? or Is This Normal?

D.,
If there are things you WANT to do (date night, margarita girls night) I think it has a better chance of actually happening if you schedule it weeks ahead of time. Then get a sitter (if it's date night) or remind hubby that he's the sitter (if it's girl's night) and GO--even if you don't feel like it at the time. If all if the bases are covered (date/time/sitter) you'll feel more inclined to go when the time comes. Everyone deserves some fun! And it's OK to be a homebody most of the time. I see that as a sign of contentment. :)

Totally normal and I know that my husband and I both feel the same way. However... we schedule a date night every couple of months. Once we have made reservations and booked a sitter (and it's on the calendar) we are much less likely to cancel. Same thing with a girls night... if I commit to it, I suck it up and go (even if I'm exhausted). Honestly, I'm always glad that I did!

I think as mom's and wives we all feel that way to an extent. I find that even if I am really tired once I am out with my girlfriends it is totally with it and all the exhaustion rolls away!

I completely understand your thoughts and feelings, coming from the having 'been there and done that' same ol' routine day in and day out and what happened to the fun me????

I want to recommend something a little different than the other posts about making plans and commitments to going out....

Shift your focus to making plans on having another couple with kids over once a month for a simple pot luck, wine and games. Those are some of my happiest memories, sharing easy, favorite recipes, the kids are happy playing, great music is playing....ah, life was simple. And you don't have to be a gourmet chef and you don't really have to clean the house....I read that most people are more comfortable in a home if at least one of the common areas is messy, some people just can't relax in a too clean of an environment. So that was always my excuse for an untidy home - to make others feel comfortable.

And our new favorite family game is "You Don't Say!" - we are all laughing constantly not just during the game, but days later when we think of how someone tried to describe something. It's really fun.

So, I would recommend taking an inventory of what you used to do for fun and do a little brain storming for what you can do NOW that includes your family. There is way more to life than just 'going out' for going out sakes - start planning ahead for visiting museums, national parks, children's theatres, local high school and university performances, local art fairs....

Ask your kids and hubby what evening activities they would enjoy....crafts, sports? Also, don't go overboard. I can only handle about 3 nights out per week, anymore and I'm an absolute grump.

P.S. - I'm 50

Post-ad: I am not kidding, but just after I posted this response, I received an email from an old friend, who found me on facebook because our post graduate daughters still stay in touch there. He was a dear friend formed during those dinner parties at home when our kids were in elementary school. I am back in with elementary school age kids again and he is remarried in Bogota on business.... and I know we'll still talk about cooking, and traveling and kids....and wine.

So normal. And sometimes you just have to MAKE yourself do things -- like get together with a friend for a drink or dinner or go on a date w/ your husband. I have a dinner scheduled w/ a friend this Friday night and although I know I'll be tired when the day comes because I also work full-time, it's important to keep those connections going for our mental health. Plus you can commiserate w/ your comrades :)

i got pregnant with my first at 20, my second at 27, now we have a2 houses 3 cars, we are landlords, for one house, and i am a s.a.h.m. because my husbands job and the extra income allow for me to be. Im not 30 yet and yet i have both kids and all our things owned outright. None of my friends from school have this, so yes sometimes a feel a little older than my years. Most of my friends worry about their current crush, or their hair appointment while i worry about mud taxes,school bullies, and replacing siding on a house.My advice, pick a couple of friends that are older than you and in the same point in life you are, keep your other friends too, but have some people in your life that can relate, and put things into perspective.

I think it's normal, but maybe not really healthy. Just ease yourself into it. Go out once a month - it'll be good for you and your family. You'll feel refreshed. You may end up feeling MORE energized. Going out doesn't necessarily mean "partying" - it just means being social, spending time with people you enjoy. Maybe a part of you is afraid that you have to be your old "party self" - you don't. Relax, enjoy. Take care :)

You are totally normal. While you do have to make time for "you" and what makes you happy - that answer is different for everyone. Some people need more social friend time - some find and get energy from their families - we are all different. For me, I find time = and make it as hard as it is for me and my husband (not as good at this as I should be, but I'm trying...) then friends come next. I like the idea and have found it fun to do things w/ friends w/ kids so we get some social interaction but aren't always leaving the kids or paying a sitter. Then every 4th time - it's a kids only night out .... I guess what I'm saying is you are NORMAL, and you need to find what is your right balance - even if it means pushing yourself sometimes. Good luck.

Very normal. I only have one child and I feel like that and my husband's the same way. The thing is though when you make plans like a date or going out with your girlfriends, you have to MAKE yourself go even if you don't want to. Every single time on the day of an outing, I go through the "ugh I so do not want to go" phase but I make myself go anyway b/c I feel bad cancelling on my friends last minute and you know what, I'm always glad I went! It revives you to be out of the house doing your thing and you'll be much healthier for it. And so you know, my husband's the same way too. We just had to learn to push ourselves to leave the house!

You're totally normal. I'm the exact same way. But I'm very happy in my marriage and content with my life. There's not much more you can ask for other than a deep, pure knowledge that everything is just right the way it is.

Oh god, I never WANT to go, when I think about it. The idea always sounds nice, but the concept of getting moving and being out past 9pm sounds awful all the time.

You have to MAKE yourself go. Everytime I suck it up and get off the couch, I always have fun and feel so much better for going. I actually have MORE energy.

So yes, what you feel is normal. I'm also 33 with 2 little kids, and your description fits me exactly. It's just a matter of making yourself get up!
Find a regular sitter and go on dates or little trips with your husband, too. (little day trips or weekend trips are TERRIFIC, if you can). Just anything to take you out of normal rut.
But YOU have to do it.

I agree with denise- have everything set up ahead of time. Also, start a multivitamin and make sure you get rest before you go out.. Im 30 with two kids and i know how you feel.. with work and the kids and kid homework and chores and dinner and sports.. im exhausted just typing that!!

No, there is nothing wrong with that - wanting to be with your kids and vegging out at home. However, it is healthy to get out with the girls and your husband once in a while.

Maybe force yourself sometime to join your girlfriends - you may find when you get there it was what you needed after all - to get you out of this "funk" you may feel like you are in. If you get there and realize you are having no fun and wish you were home, then that is fine too and that part of your life may be behind you. Make plans with your husband for sure though. Even if it's once every couple months - that is important.

That sounds a bit like me. I'm the ripe old age of 27 but sometimes I feel like I should be 72. I never seem to go out anymore, have two kids, etc. Honestly I have a bit of a sense of humor about it most of the time. (If you have the chance look up the lyrics for Florescent Adolescent by the Arctic Monkeys... it makes me laugh about my situation and know that other ladies feel the same way) I know it is improtant to get "me" time but it's not always easy. With me personally I start to feel bad when I'm not with my kids, even though I know there is no reason for it, which then spoils my night.
But for me personally, and I'm guessing for a lot of other Moms, it is pretty normal.

Sound to me like you are just tired. See if you can find someone to watch the kids a night or so, dress real nice whether you feel like it or not, then go somewhere special...even if it is not special, the alone time with you and your husband will spark your interest again like old times.

D. I feel like I could've written this post! I have a very similar life, had my oldest son when I was 18, single and living at home. I am 28 now, married, and have another son, work full time, same routine every single day. My husband and I were just talking about this, and we feel like bums too! I couldn't agree more with the ladies below-- especially the multivitamin and rest part. I've started doing this and I feel more like my old self, and sometimes I do want to go out with my girlfriends now, or for date nights w/ my husband. Patricia is right on-- you don't have to be your old party self. I couldn't be more sick of the club scene, I have never really enjoyed it. But maybe try hanging out at a wine bar, or go to the movies, or have a few girls (or just your husband and you) go out for dinner at a fun place. But don't worry, this is totally normal to feel this way, I think as we get a little older this is just how it goes sometimes :)

J.

You're perfectly normal. You are a mother of two and wife to hopefully an awesome hubby. Right now you're priorities are in raising your family not sipping margaritas with friends.
I agree we have to nurture our friendships so they last over time but going out does not have to be a part of it. I speak on the phone with my best friend every week. If she hasn't called I'll call and see what's up; if my life gets crazy and I don't call she calls. The same with my sister; we just don't have the time or energy to party anymore but we make time for each other thru the phone, e-mail etc.
when life gets easier, kids are a bit older I'll feel confident about partying, travelling, going out oce again.
by the way I just travelled cross country with a 9 year old and a 20 month old to spends new year with family... we got bumped twice to different flights...NOT fun spending 10 hours at the airport. I'll just wait until they're older for these kinds of adventures.

I don't know if it's normal for others but it's fairly normal for me. And I enjoy it. I am older but started being that way years ago and I didn't really need to go anywhere with my friends to have a drink. My work life keeps me very involved with people, too, and I don't feel like wasting my money at a bar. And who needs to destroy their family with nights out and risking DUI's and so on? My husband doesn't go out either we just do things together and have done so for a long time.We do things with others, but we do not sit in bars. And I wanted to add that if people try to talk you into thinking it's wrong to enjoy staying home with your family, they are not paying your bills and are not watching out for you when you are in the outside world. You need to take care of yourself. Perhaps one day when the kids are grown you will be feeling an urge to party, but in the meantime this is where you are planted and it is not always bad, in fact I like boring. I had enough excitement in my past.

I am 41. I absolutely did not like turning 40, and 41 was not much better but your post reminded me that my life is so much more fun now than it was in my early 30's. Thank you! I think I feel different about being 41! My kids are now 7 and 12, so they are much more independent. We have more money than we did in our early 30's and my husband and I now have a very active social life. We try to plan at least one fun thing to do each weekend. This weekend we are seeing Les Miserable and are going to a party and I am attending a baby shower. The next weekend we are hosting a party and I have a GNO. The next weekend we are attending a 40th birthday party and the following wkend we are going to dinner with good friends. In my early 30's we were not nearly as busy or as social and I was more content to stay at home like you but as the kids get less needy/more independent I think it is healthy to fill your life with fun activities.

I didn't read the other responses, but no it's normal. Life is totally different in your 20's than in your 30's. I waited until I was a little over 30 before I got married. I had a blast in my 20's and got it all out of my system. By the time I met my husband I was happy to leave the, going out all of the time, behind me. Sometimes that can make you feel even older! :) Don't you think it's nice that you look forward to coming home and spending time with your kids? I think it's great. Most of that comes from working full time and having to take care of a house and kids. It will wipe you out and that's normal. However, you need to make time for date nights with your husband. Even if you just go to the movies or dinner once a month. Date nights are important. I would love to tell you that going out with your friends is something that should be on the top of your list as well, but then I would need to take my own advice. :) I told my husband that my New Years resolution this year is to put myself a little higher on the totem pole this year (meaning taking time to spend with friends or doing something for myself) but we'll see. :) Do date nights...that always makes me feel good and if you can fit in a night with friends, go, that will make you feel good as well.

I did not have kids young but I got married at 29 and I did a lot in my 20s - went out a lot, traveled a bit, had loads of friends, etc. By the time I got married, I was ready to settle down. I could care less about going out though I still do it once in a while and I usually have fun, but I'm just as content to stay home and hang out with my husband and kids. I think when you get it out of your system when you're younger, you tend to be more content when your'e older. Besides, if you're content with your situation, then let it be.

Of course it's normal. You have taken on a family and they are work but they are also fun too....being with someone who just wants to be with you is more special than being with someone because you're going to make it fun for them. Kids learning to become people is the most important job on the planet and you've got two souls that are depending on you for everything. BIGGEST job there is!

Make plans for you and your husband to have some alone time...in or out of the house.It doesn't have to be an entire evening...sometimes just dinner alone is a lot. He's your best friend. Let him know that. It'll be 20 years for me this month and I love and LIKE my husband more now than I did when I married him. WE have sooooo much in common because we have built a family together. Don't worry about normal or not. Enjoy what you have, even through the fatigue!

God bless,

M.

Quite normal... I'm like that too, and I'm 31. A once a month Moms Night Out and once a month Date Night are all we need to feel involved. Most of the time, we don't even bother with one a month LOL. I'm more burned out because of work and school, not necessarily from being at home with the family when I can.

Totally normal, its called growing up. You have responsibilities now, you have a real life now. Its not lived for you, but for others.
Find something fun for you to do with your family. You still need to get out and have fun, but that doesn't have to involve friends and alcohol. Its much better if its with you husband and children.
A paint your own pottery shop? A dance class? A over night trip to a historical area?
Let your imagination run wild and have a great time.

Your just in a rut, like most people. Everyday blends in to the next. If it doesn't bother you then continue, if it does than make plans and STICk to them. A little outside fun every now and then is healthy for you as a woman, a wife and a mom. First night out keep it simple so you don't have super high expectations, then do more fun things once you and you and your hubs get in to the swing of things.

I know exactly what you mean. I make myself go out anyway - always end up having a good time and feeling refreshed afterwards.

Hi D.,

What your going through is normal in the sense that you are not only a full time employee but also a fulltime mommy and wife so of course it is expected for you to be tired and not really want to go out. But I cannot stress enough to you how important it is for you to have YOU time even if its only once a month. I was the same way about a year ago until my sister dragged me out of the house and had me go out and I am grateful for that. Going out doesn't necessarily mean clubbing and going to bars to socialize. Sometimes just going to girlfirends houses and watching movies or just hanging out is suffice. As you start taking those few hours to yourself you will love them, promise. Also, you and your husband should have couples nights, those are always fun and can strengthen your relationship. But this all comes with time and as your children get older it will get easier. Good luck with everything and Happy New Year.