My almost 3 year old has been at a wonderful preschool for the past year. When we first started, he only went twice a week. He had a really hard time at drop off. We tried for 4 months but it never got better. After discussing it with the teachers, friends and grandparents, we thought that maybe there was too much time between Thursday and the next Tuesday and that he might adjust better going more often.
For the last 8 months he's been going 5 mornings a week. For a while he was doing great, running into class without saying bye. But now he is back to crying again. The teachers assure me that he is happy and active throughout the day and the crying only lasts a couple minutes. But it's so hard to see him upset in the morning, and now that he's talking he even says "I don't want to go to school".
I work and love my job and out family needs the money. But I am racked with guilt and anxiety over this. Does anyone have any advice? Maybe ways to make drop off fun? Or ways to tell if he indeed really doesn't like school? He's always hated transitions and would prefer to stay home all day playing trains than just about anything else, even when there's no school.
update: there have been no staff changes in the year we've been there. I think I'm being upbeat and positive during drop off, and I keep it short and sweet. thanks for all the suggestions so far, I appreciate it, please keep them coming.
my 4 year old is the same way at times. If there is a new morning teacher it is really bad, just hang in there and give him an extra hug and kiss before you leave. I promise he will be ok and he will get better, so kids just take longer than others.
This is very very common and absolutely NOT a sign that your son has some serious issue or problem.
My son went through a couple of little phases like that. Our very experienced daycare provider assured me that it was perfectly normal and took him under her wing, letting him be her 'partner' when they lined up and holding his hand. She encouraged me to just give him a hug and kiss and tell him goodbye and that I would be there to pick him up in the afternoon, the same as always. We just stuck to that everyday, even if he was upset.
He usually stopped crying about a minute after I was out of sight.
It's hard not to worry, but don't. If you trust the daycare and your son isn't so upset he's going to hurt himself, he'll be fine. It's just a little adjustment period. You could try reading a book like 'The Kissing Hand' or something like that with him as well. Good Luck!
Uhhmmm.........I'm past 50 and I would still rather stay home with my Mommy, than go to work. But the other kids made too much fun of me, and picked on me, so I quit crying when I get here, most days. lol
Of course he would rather stay home with Mom, trust me when I say, you will always find something to feel guilty about, we're Moms, guilt trips are what we do. The teachers say he does great after you leave, now its your turn to do great after you leave.
My son was the same way. As others say, this is very typical behavior and unlikely to be asign of something wrong.
What helped my son was giving him a ritual. He always likes to help, so our ritual became that he would shut the classroom door behind me when I left. He would also give me a good-bye kiss. If he was kind of fussy some mornings, the teacher would say, "You need to shut the door for Mommy," -- not in a commanding way, but in a way that said this was a very important job that he needed to do for me. It's amazing how well that worked.
If your son's a big helper, you could try something like that. Or poke around on the internet for ideas for other "good-bye" rituals. Now if only I could come up with a ritual to get my son into the car when it's time to leave school.....
It seems like you son is not unhappy at pre school just being dropped off. If the teachers say he is happy all day then the problem lies with the drop off. 3 yr olds are notoriously crazy. One minute happy the next screaming. It is mostly about controlling what ever they can. He sees you being upset and that if he works you long enough he might get to change the situation. I think you should just stick to it and try not to feel guilty because when you are gone he is fine. He is not being hurt or endangered by you leaving him. Just be sure to give him plenty of chances to make his own choices at other times during the day. Maybe for a week or so you could offer a big reward that he chooses for not making a fuss at school? and then taper off on the rewards until he does it without rewards.
I know it is hard to not feel guilty when your baby is crying because of something you control but everyone in a family has to do their part and you are doing your best by working and his job is to go have fun with other kids all day.
Good luck... he will be fine.
my son does the same thing sometimes. i am figuring out that if he suggests it then were better off. like if i wake him dress him right away and take off to dc he dose not want to go. but he does the same thing if i rush him into taking a bath. he will cry the entire bath time if i am in a hurry. i am finding when our little one is in the bath tub first and let him brush his teeth he will quickly decide that yeah he wants to take a bath too. same with dc if he feels rushed in the mornings he dose not want to go. so i wake him up while getting the little girl dressed and then he wants to get dressed too. before she came along the mornings we were up early and watched some tv he was better and more awake to go to dc. so my suggestion is give him a little more time to linger , read a book. talk about dc in the evenings while your at home just mentioning how much fun he has with all those toys and his new friends what he learned...but keep the convos short and sweet. hope this helps for you its working for me!
Please believe the teachers, your son does fine once you are no longer in sight. This is a quite common phenomenon with young children. He may do well for a while then start crying then go back to doing well and then out of the blue start crying again for a while. Please do not worry about it. As an elementary school principal, I see this a lot. It is a phase young children go through off and on through about first grade. Just continue being upbeat, refer to things maybe he is going to get to do that day, his friends will be glad to see him, that kind of thing. He will outgrow this! Just be patient.
My daughter did this off and on, starting when she was 3. Even at 4.5 years, she still occasionally has a difficult drop-off (especially after long weekends or if she has been home sick for a few days). The primary reason: She tells me that she prefers to be home with her own toys and me/daddy--And of course she does!! She has her TV, she has us to play with her, no other kids to share favorite toys with... But that isn't realistic.
Your son is at the developmental stage where he has realized his preference between daycare and home (and 3 year olds get upset when they don't get their preference--that's how they deal with disappointment) AND he has realized there is behavior/words that he can use to manipulate you in order to get his preference. I know, its hard and its gut-wrenching to hear them be that upset (and you really don't want to see your angel baby as manipulating as that!). But, between 3-4 years, kids start figuring out how they can work a situation into their desired outcome.
For a few weeks when my daughter was having a lot of tears, I would give her 1 jelly-belly candy after I got my kiss good-bye if she was cheery and composed. She looked forward to her 'big girl treat'. I know, candy in the classroom is frowned upon, buy she ate it quick and it didn't cause an issue. It also helped to have her teacher come over and give her hugs/attention/hold her as the door was closing. Sometimes we would play peek-a-boo in the window (it helped turn tears into smiles). Sometimes, she would hold her lovey/stuffed animal at bye-bye time.
My advice is not to quit your job. Good luck!
I didn't read all the posts, so I'm sorry if this is a repeat. My son, also 3 years old, every morning says "I don't want to go to school." Even if I didn't enjoy my job, I have to be working right now as I'm currently the sole provider for my family. The one thing that I find helps a lot is to respond with, "Oh, you don't want to go to school? Is it because you have too much fun at school? It probably is too much fun to play with your friends and play on the playground. I'll tell your teachers and you can just sit and eat lima beans all day." Obviously I say this in a very joking way. The silliness of it almost always gets him. Now sometimes he'll even say "I don't want to go to school" and I say "why?" and he says "Because I'm going to have too much fun."
I know it's a really crappy thing to start every morning with, but let go of the guilt about working, as that's not helping anything either. You wouldn't let your husband feel guilt about working, right? I hope it turns around soon. Good luck.
He may be having an issue. Something jumped out at me in your post though that may get at a cause for his issues. How much does he like the trains? Could you describe how he plays with them, and does his enjoyment for trains include knowing information about them?
What other transitions does he have issues with? Does he have trouble at school moving from one activity to another? Does he prefer order and routine?
Does he enjoy the company of adults more than kids his own age? Does he try to "teach" you or tell children what to do while they are playing, like "you say this, then I will say that..." Does he ever recite dialoge from TV or movies?
Is he a picky eater, have trouble with texture or fabrics? How are his motor skills?
Is he very bright and verbal, knowing many words and definitions beyond where he should be developmentally?
If anything I have asked you promptes a response, you may want to see a Developmental Pediatrician and find out if he could be helped with some intervention so that he is more comfortable with tranisitions, including those to school.
M.
We have a routine with daycare. We go in to his classroom, read one book after I put his stuff in his cubby, and then I take him to where all the kids are and say our goodbyes. He isn't always happy when I leave, but having the routine has helped. When he really upset, I notice that the drop off person has changed. Has yours?
You could talk with the teacher about a "surprise" visit (you could use your lunch hour). That way you can observe him for a few minutes before he knows you are present but the teacher will know you are coming. Or you can ask the teacher about drop in visits. They also have special parent days at lunch, etc. or student of the week, etc. Those are all great times to drop in and just check things out for yourself. Don't do it alot-maybe every couple of weeks or once a month.
As an ex-teacher, I wanted more parents to observe school but many do not.
Now if the teacher says you can't drop in at different times, I would fight that. Unless you do and it disrupts him or the other kids, it is your right.
