Is My Child Going to Loose Out on Friendships Because of His Disorder?

Yes, tell them up front. This will help them to be more understanding. However, you have to accept that other parents will still do what they think is best for their child. If you son is aggressive, they may still choose to keep their child safe by staying away. Its not fair, but if you look at it from their point of view you will understand.

Try finding a play group with kids that have the same disorder. Maybe he would feel more relaxed and the other mom's would understand.

I always tell the parents of my son's disorder, my son also know he has aspergers and some of the older kids in the neighborhood also know. This helps everyone and I have talked to the older kids about how to tell my son when his behavior is not appropriate. We also have done a playgroup in the past with therapist and this was a HUGE help. We went once a week with 5 other boys and it was great. They were the ones the suggested I use the older kids in the neighborhood to help coach his behavior. Good luck.

You are in a tough spot as a loving mama, B.. You have my sympathy, and I applaud how much attention you are giving to helping your son fit in.

I'm having a challenge reconciling your descriptions of your son as one who would "never, ever intentionally try to hurt someone," with "can get aggressive when he’s worked up." Though you're not clear about what form that aggression takes, yes, your son will probably lose relationships if he's too energetic and aggressive for the recipients of his energy and aggression.

And on the other side of that equation, kids who are too tender or timid also lose out on relationships if they have trouble accepting a "normal" degree of rough-and-tumble from other kids.

The same sort of dynamics occur in any box full of puppies or kittens, too. There is nothing "wrong" about that, it's just the way things are. All creatures eventually have to find their place in the world, and it will be the place that "fits" their personalities and needs the best.

I definitely think it would help me, if I were a playgroup mom, to know that some children in the group have particular challenges. I would coach my child to try to understand the other children in terms of extra patience and forgiveness, and perhaps teach some coping mechanisms. That wouldn't necessarily be the same thing as saying I will tolerate my child being repeatedly intimidated, frightened, forced or injured by another child, though. It's proper and reasonable for other parents to protect their children from a degree of roughness they may not be able to understand or tolerate, just as you want to protect your son from rejection.

So my way of reconciling a problem like yours is recognizing that all parents want the best for their children, and if they feel they need to distance themselves from an aggressive child, it's probably not personal, but a matter of safety (as they perceive it). I don't know what sorts of therapy your son receives, but I'd expect that getting him to recognize the consequences of his disorder might eventually be a necessary part of his adjustment to the realities of his life.

My best to you both. I genuinely hope your son is able to make real progress as he matures.

Oh B., I feel your pain.

Most poeople have no idea how hard you have worked to have him just barely fit in, and then to be judged based on the progress of the typical kids around him. I have so been there with a play group.

I have some very direct advice for you. These children are probably not his friends. It took the children playing with my child's imaginary friend, but not letting her play for me to really see that it was not doing her any good at all to be with these children. She was not as happy as I wanted her to be there. This was my oldest child. I was in this group as much for me, as I was for her, and it hurt like fire to have to leave it, but we did.

We did have a better experience with our younger daughter in public school. She had some excellent teachers who guided the young people so that they did not catch on to my daughters differences until they got a little older, but they eventually out grew her, and we had to seek out more appropriate social settings.

I won't lie to you, it is a very loney road for these children, and it will be heart break for you many times over. We have recently found a wonderful school in our area that has a half and half mix of peers to developmentally disabled children. What we found is, our girls do so much better in this enviornment, they have friends they can relate to, they go to parties, the phone rings. They do have a peer group, and your son will find them one day, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My oldest has asperger, and she can sniff out the one other aspie in a croud of 200 in just a few minutes. Your son will do the same. Find him some peers who will accept him as he is. You will also find that he has more acceptance from very gifted children without disablities. They seem to have less need to make fun of our children, but they may also have less and less in comon with them as they age, if your son has a cognative impairment like our youngest does.

I guess what I am saying is, yes, he will lose some relationships because of his disorder, but these are not his friends. You will feel the sting as much, or more than he does. Do not give up, find some peers who he can relate to, and sometimes, one or two friends is more than enough. He may do better one on one anyway.

If he is not yet in a social skills class, check with your speech therapist, or ask your child's psychiatrist, these can be great resources, both for learning, and making friends. My oldest has two friends from a social skills class she took 5 years ago, and they still get togehter now and then to do things.

You have a community. We are everywhere, and we are looking for you too!

I am so sorry that this has happened to you, and I feel your pain, because I have felt it before too.

God bless,
M.

My 3 year old is speech delayed and has a diagnosis of PDD-NOS, my niece has Autism...honesty is the best policy. It is Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide. It is something that is every bit as much your child and something that they have no more control over than if they had blue eyes or blond hair or any other kind of disability or giftedness...

Regardless of any of that, I do believe that it is the parents responsibility to maintain all children's safety. If your child is prone to being violent or aggressive it is your job to be right there at his elbow to make sure it doesn't escalate to putting hands on another child. That being said, things do occur...just because a child has special needs does not mean they do not need instruction or discipline...walk your child through an apology, a time out...etc. Prepare your child before the play date, remind him of the rules, we do not put our hands on our friends...

Hope for you? My 3 year old has friends his age and we have few problems, my niece is adored by kids in her school...there will always be some rotten apples in the bunch who are ignorant and intolerant...you will find others who have hearts of gold...do not be discouraged.

Definitely,
Not only that, they will also be more tolerant of him. My son is under the spectrum and has ADHD so, I know exactly what you're going through. Also, like JoAnn says, some parents will still want to stay away from your child.
I encourage you to do it, as it will have others also more attentive towards his needs, and safety.
I am sorry you feel your son is being left out. I hope everything turns out ok.

I think that you should seek out parents that will be more understanding to start with. I've found moms like this by responding to a sign-up sheet at an occupational therapy office, by attending autism-related lectures sponsored by the local elementary school, and by mentioning my son's issues when chatting with other moms.
When my son was in a larger play group, at one point I was terrified that he'd be kicked out. The best advice I got for that type of situation was to stay right with my child at all times to talk him through it. It was a lot of extra work, but I could monitor his behavior and make sure that he wasn't being treated unfairly. Once he started school, we switched to just playdates with one child at a time.
I feel bad that I can't just send my son out to play in the street unsupervised like the other kids in the neighborhood, but I make sure that we attend plenty of activities like scouts.

I would talk with the Mom's and let them know what is going on with your son. Approach it as if you need their help/advise and that you're both at a loss at what to do but you don't want to lose this group.

My 12 year old son has Aspergers Syndrome and has no friends his age. He has friends that are much older and are more his big brothers friends (he's 23). He's much more comfortable with older people since he is the youngest of 5, with his closest sibling being 18. I am sad that he has no friends, but he doesn't seem bothered by it at all. He is homeschooled and we do not participate in any support groups or co-ops because it is just too much for him to handle, the noise, crowds and social situations that he is unfamiliar with and awkward with.

So be up front, I always am because Joshua can come across as being rude and anti-social. He too is a very loving child but has a clear cut idea of right and wrong and is not afraid to tell anyone, LOL.

So open up, let them know and see how it goes.

I feel your pain! I am in the same situation and I fear that my son will not have friends and it breaks my heart. People cannot begin to understand until they are in this situation. I think that you will come across people that will understand and people that won't. I just keep my son involved in activities so he has the exposure to other children his age and will hopefully learn more social skills.

I know it's important for you to socialize, these groups may not be the right fit for your son right now. Try different things and you may find a better fit for him. I have my son in swim lessons and it's amazing what it is doing for him. We tried t-ball and it was a disaster so we most likely won't be trying that again and he is also doing gymnastics which is also a good fit.

I also tend to find that if I tell people up front about my son's problems, they tend to blow them off. They say he's just fine and then they spend a little time with him and realize there is more to him than they think. I don't think people realize the battles he faces in his everyday life. Just since it has been getting cooler here, every morning my son is hysterical because he has to wear socks. Not just a little fit but full-blown tantrums because he has to wear SOCKS! He can't handle the fact that he has to wear socks. He hasn't worn them in 5-6 months and it will take him a month to finally
stop screaming and be ok with wearin socks again. The whole sock issue may not seem like much to deal with to most people but when EVERY aspect of his life is like this, everyday becomes a struggle to do anything not routine.

I feel for you and hope you find something that works for you!!!

It's probably best to find a group to hang out with that specializes in your sons disorder so you all feel welcome and normal. Unitl he gets older and more mature and learns to manage the disorder you really can't expect everyone to accept it at this juncture. Not everyone is educated on how to deal with "different" people so you cant expect them to or take it personally. You are the one that has to accept that you are different.

Though this hurts to find out, the fact they were not being direct in the first place tells you something about your friendship with the other mothers. Chances are, these kids are not being accepting of your son. Often times, if you want the source of a child's behavior you can look directly at how the parent's are reacting or not reacting as the case may be. (Not always true in OLDER children, but almost always true in YOUNGER ones).
The fact that they are avoiding you rather than talking to you and giving you a chance to willingly confide about the problems, says they are probably just hugging little "billy" or "jennifer" and saying "oh honey, I'm so sorry he is just so mean, don't play with him." Rather than saying, "Are you sure you didn't say or do something?" And teaching them how to get along with other children. Or how to genuinely give forgiveness. Because you see no matter what issues your child has, every child has at least one issue, and while some people will never mesh, there is a world of learning involved in forgiving, understanding and then making a choice about accepting or moving on.
My son also has some issues with socializing, at one point when he was truly the victim, another mother tried to use those issues to accuse him of being the problem. We've been isolated and we've been accepted...there is a world of difference for both of us with the latter rather than the former. The music to my ears of true acceptance happened when he became upset about something his friend had done, I was talking with his mother and we are forging a friendship. I was dealing with him and she dealt with hers and I apologized for his over reaction to the situation, and she said, "No, that's who he is. We love him on his bad days as well as his good, or we don't love him very much at all."
That is so true! And those are the mothers YOU have to find. For YOUR sanity as well as your child's.

Yes, tell them up front. You can find parents that are understanding, most people don't know, sometimes they assume he is spoiled or there is no boundaries or disipline at home.
I assume your son has a sensory integrative disorder and there is a huge spectrum. I know you are probably working hard and doing lots of research. Number one, detox, I can't really go into this in to much depth, consult a nutritionist, pediatric chiro, ion cleanse is most gentle, a medical doctor who has background with this can do more aggressive chelation thereapy. Diet is huge, gluten, artificial sweeteners, colors, apples, bananas and some household chemicals are considered excitotoxins and do exactly what it sounds like they do--over stimulate. There may be a yeast imbalance and probiotics really help, the gut being "leaky" is usually a huge factor for sensory spectrum issues so heal the gut. Fish oil (if not allergic) will help calm him down or EFA period in larger than normal quantity.
This will probably be a factor in him having good playmates, we have a little friend in the same situation, my son often comes and tells me that so and so pushed him, i always tell him he is just playing and ask him not to do it. I tell him if he still pushes you may have to push back, or see if they want to box or wrestle and I referee, we have these huge boxing gloves and I put a mattress down and we all wrestle and fall and jump in a controlled supervised manner. Kids have to learn how to stand up for themselves as well. I try and keep the playdates to very active activities like indoor jump places, parks with lots of space to run. Your son will learn to interact with kids but don't expect him to have to sit and play cars. His system desires stimulation, running, bouncing, swinging. Do these activities and keep him directed and it will improve the interaction and make it more positive for everyone. You probably will never get to leave him for playdates unless you havea friend who is good at keeping them interacting in a positive manner. Good luck!!

You can also startup your own playgroup on meetup.com. I'm sure their are a lot of moms in your situation and you may be able to find some wonderful people you and your son can create true friendships with.

Our neighbor girl has some disabilities and she has a hard time figuring out how to play. Her dad is really open to me about them and I am open to my girls about them. Now that we know how to work with her, my girls are more accepting and are excited to help her figure out how to play with them. Instead of my girls just being annoyed by her. I think it is a good idea to be open!

thinking of several examples of kids i've known since i was a teenager, i believe that knowing about their disorders has helped me be more tolerant. however it has always eventually gotten to a point that i didn't want to be around them and either took a break from them or stopped being with them altogether. it's hard to be with people with behavior disorders. some people can find polite ways to avoid when they've had enough, but sadly others turn to criticizing or bullying. for the sake of those who are more compassionate, i think it is helpful to at least tell the parents about your son's disorder so that they can help their children to be compassionate. i have a step cousin with autism, but for like 15 years no one told me he was autistic. i went all that time wondering why he was socially difficult. now that i know the cause, i don't know if i treat him any differently (i wasn't rude to him before) but my thinking is more compassionate and tolerant. this is tough and i wish you strength and joy through it!

B., I know that this must be hugely heartbreaking for you and difficult for your son. And yet, you need to understand where the other parents are coming from. They don't want their kids around someone that is going to hurt them. That doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong or that you aren't working hard enough. It's just a fact and something that it might be better to learn how to work with now. Keep doing the best you can and I think that telling other parents ahead of time would be a better course of action and will increase the likelihood that they will be willing to give your son some time. I just know that when other kids are agressive with my two boys that it infuriates me and I would not continue to put them in that situation. You need to understand where the other parents are coming from.

The short answer is yes. The long answer is no one is ever friends with everyone, so you have to pick and choose. I have a daughter with Asperger's Syndrome, and she has never had close friends as other kids do. However, now at 15, she has benefitted from several years of social skills therapy in elementary school and lots of practice and rehearsal with me about how to handle different people.
One thing that has significantly helped us was joining a parent support network, where we met lots of families with kids like ours, who immediately understood the issues and did not reject our daughter.
I have always been upfront with people about our daughter's issues, in order to prevent problems. Some people will reject you immediately - those people weren't really your friends anyway. But you may be pleasantly surprised by others.
good luck!

I don't know the answers to these questions because i have not had a child go through this, but I am a preschool teacher and have seen many other children/parents go through issues like these, in reguards to many different behaviors or disabliblities. No matter what you do there are people who will be judgemental and react unfairly to the situation. You can eventually explain this to your son as he grows, people are scared, etc of anything different. However, I feel it does help to be upfront with people so they know exactly why certain behaviors happen (we sometimes have to do this one on one with children that are having a hard time accepting another, or wondering why they act so different). It seems to help at least in a classroom situation. You don't have to give great detail, but don't be afraid to talk.

You’re hurt that your mom’s group isn’t being completely accepting of your son, but you haven’t given them the information to understand that there is a reason for his behavior. Failing that knowledge, they probably are assuming that his behavior is from lax parenting on your part. You know that this is not the truth, but you have given them no reason to assume otherwise.

And they are probably trying to balance out their desire to be welcoming with their concern for their own child’s safety. They are also trying to teach their child to play well in a group in preparation for school, and are probably at a loss how to explain to their child that your son is behaving in ways that are unacceptable for their own kid.

I belong to a group that has several children at various points on the Autism spectrum. Because everyone is aware of this, the other moms are able to factor this understanding into our playtime expectations. And their moms are able to seek support from each other, as well as the other moms in the group.

And sometimes it really helps to share the “big picture” of your child. My 3-year-old speaks very well for his age; he sounds more like a 5-year-old. He started speaking at 10 months, and has always been verbally advanced. My son is also socially and emotionally average for his age, but people base their expectations on his more obvious verbal ability than on his no-so-obvious emotional development.

I realize that this “problem” is miniscule compared to what your dealing with, but I frequently find myself having to explain, particularly when he was at an age when most kids don’t speak, that his behavior is still typical for his age. Otherwise, people assumed that my well-spoken 18-month-old was a tiny, ill-behaved 3-year-old. Sometimes my son is just plain ill-behaved; I’m not making an excuse for every bit of bad behavior. But it helps when people are reminded of his chronological age so that they can re-set their expectations of acceptable behavior for his true age.

We were recently at a baby shower where my son began to play with a 10-year-old who had Asperger’s. At a glance, there was nothing notable about his behavior, so his grandmother explained that he had Asperger’s and might show autistic behaviors. I explained that my son was only three, and might act, well, like a 3-year-old. We both got a chuckle out of the fact that, for different reasons, we each felt the need to provide the “full” story about our child to others. The boys had a lot of fun playing together, and when my son or the other boy did or didn’t “act their age,” everybody understood why.

Some of the other moms may not “get it” even you explain your son’s condition; not everyone is open to teaching moments. Or you may find that their concerns about your son’s aggressiveness may override their desire to be understanding. But whether or not your son remains in this group, I think the decision should come from a place of knowledge, not ignorance.

I think that if people are starting to treat him differently, then maybe you need to put it out in the open and give them an explanation. I know that is hard, because you just want everyone to treat him normally, but if it's come to this, they may need an explanation. Definitions and explanations can help people. I go through the same thing with my son who was just diagnosed with PDD. Some people thought I shouldn't give him a "label" but I think it helps me and others to understand him and why he does things the way he does them. So I'm on the side of offering explanations and ideas about how to interact with my son. For us, it seems to help. And people are compassionate when they understand what is going on and how hard you are working with your child. And I know it's hard being in a mom's group cause with these kids, you have to play more with the kids to teach them and to help them, than interact with the moms as much as you'd like. At least that's how I feel. I think it's hard sometimes. But I think people can be understanding when they realize what's really going on. I think that's your best bet...I've been amazed with how kind and understanding people are. It's tough, cause I wish we wouldn't be so judgmental of others, but it's okay to help each other understand what's going on.

Yes he will and that is ok. If other kids and parents cant accept him as he is then he nor you need those types of people in your lives period. I have 12 year old high functioning autistic boys. They struggle the same way your son does everyday. They in the past year or two just started to realize people are not all nice. I am very open and honest with my kids about their disabilities. Autism is a reason not a excuse. All the kids in their classes know they are both autistic and epileptic. I wanted them to know so they could have some understanding. Most kids accept what they understand and fear what they dont. Yes they get treated differently but its a very positive thing. The most of other kids are understanding kinder and patient with them. They also encourage them verbally when playing together. I have found educating parents parents goes a long way too. Once other parents realize there is a "disorder" as you put it what it actually is and what you do to help it they have more understanding and compassion too.

Unfortunately yes he will. My ten year old son is the same caring, compassionate child you describe with a trigger temper but educating yourself and others will smooth the way towards understanding what you are going through. Having other adults that know what to expect can go a long way in relieving the stress that you and your son feel in groups. I like to think that children like ours are the "normal" ones and the rest of us are just trying to catch up.

I do not have any personal experience with this but if I were a mom in your group I would definitely appreciate being told. I would explain the situation to my child in the most age appropriate way that I could and then encourage furthering the friendship within the realm of the disorder rather than discourage it because of my ignorance. I worry about my own kids fitting in and making friends and they don't have behavioral and/or developmental issues to compound the situation. I think that most Moms worry about this. I hope that things work out in the best possible way for you and your son.

I would absolutely be up front. Most people don't really like it when other people "parent" their children, but in your case, it would be helpful for other people around to know what methods work best for your son in a group setting.

Honestly, it probably will still be hard for your son to make friends. It's one thing for you to be friends with the moms and go to moms group, but as the kids get older they'll have their own preferences about who they like to play with, and that should be respected. Little ones can understand that someone is different from them on some level, but on the most basic level don't want to be pushed around or yelled at. You might want to check with your therapists to find out if there are groups for kids with similar disorders - other moms will be understanding, and other kids too.

Finally, I wouldn't blame yourself. It's not that you're don't working hard enough; sometimes things just don't go as we planned them. And while no doubt what's happening feels like an insult and a hurt to you and your son, hopefully no one has meant it that way; they're just trying to do right by their kids too.

I wish you the best of luck.

Please consider telling the group, and also providing for the other moms the coping strategies that you and your son have learned through therapy. Also ask the other for their help. Then the others will not only know why he has trouble in groups, they'll have an idea what to do to help him and their children manage when he starts having trouble regulating his behavior. Some still may not be accepting, and may choose to distance themselves, but from what I've seen, understanding what your son is up against may help them to be more patient and compassionate.