Is It Unfair to Not Let My Husband's Family Visit After Giving Birth?

OMG I think we have identical situations! Went through that whole mess with my 2nd pregnancy. I told my hubby that I would let him know when I felt up to having his family over, and thankfully he was ok with it. The first few weeks are hard, he must understand. After that I had them over but tried to limit the time together.

Well, given their past behavior, what makes you think they will actually come over and see the new baby?? I would worry about it when the time comes.

have they even asked to come visit? honestly, i never want to see a soul after giving birth, and i expect people to respect that (been a while for me, though lol). i say IF you let them come, let them come ONLY when hubby is there, ONLY when you're ready, and then for a very short period of time. then if you don't want to see them, take a nap! you need one anyway! you deserve to have people YOU want around.

A tad unfair. :) Even if they are selfish & self absorbed, they are still grandma & aunt to this new baby. Love them & appreciate them for the good & ignore the rest. I know it's hard.... I have to do it all the time as well. But keeping them from the baby is just going to cause a LOT of drama that you really don't want. Especially if you want a pleasant postpartum. HOWEVER, there's no reason you should have to bend over backwards for them either. If they want to see the baby, they can call you to see when you're free and it needs to be on YOUR schedule at a place that's most convenient for you. Good luck & congrats on the new baby!!!

N., do you have little boys?? If so,imagine yourself in 20 years when your sons have babies. Think about how you would feel if your DIL did not let you visit your grandchild. And I promise this WILL happen to you b/c karma is very smart and knows how to find you.

bottom line-lett them come for a visit. I agree they don't sound like the most pleasant people but they are your husbands family.

Yes, you are being unfair. That being said, make sure your husband handles all the socialization and entertaining. Tell him ahead of time. It's your family - you talk to them. You'll stay out as long as you can and if you want to retire to the nursery with the baby, go ahead.

Yes, you are being unfair. BUT the way you describe them, they will come, look and leave. They won't be there for even an hour, so why create problems with your husband or his family for one hour of discomfort.

Just a thought . . . It could be you only see them for holidays because they feel unwelcome by you.

Congatrulations on the new baby!!!! Good luck to you an yours.

let them come & get it over with.....you'll never be a closer family if you keep drawing lines in the sand!

Doesn't matter how they've behaved in the past. What matters is that YOU are picking the visitors & not allowing your husband the same opportunity. That is unfair. He should be allowed the same freedoms you wish to have.

& honestly, why would you look for a way to use separation of family as a wedge? Hormones can play heck on all of us! Peace.....

I think if you didn't know the right answer, you wouldn't be asking this question. You already know the right thing to do.

However, if you want to take the selfish route (I am not judging, I am right there with you- you described my husband's family completely and my feelings about them! I didn't want them there either!), it is totally your decision. Having a baby is a special time for your family.

At the end of the day, though, you can't take that decision back.

Why not just limit the time? Have your husband tell them they can visit for a few hours but that's all, they have to go because your family needs time to bond with its newest member.

Ultimately, I let my in-laws visit. Yes they were annoying. But, my baby is part of their family too and I'm glad I made that decision. Also, it was out of respect for my husband.

I share your feelings and would prefer that my family and friends be the only ones to visit. At the same time, it's also your husband's baby and if he wants to have his family visit, they should be able to visit.

WOW!!

CONGRATULATIONS on your baby girl....

here's my take...

1. You are a hormonal mess (welcome to having a girl!!) this will prepare you for her pre-puberty and teenage years!! LOL!!

2. No one can read your mind....so you are setting yourself up for disappointment here...if you don't state your expectations, then how on earth are people to know what you expect?

3. If they ask if they can come visit - tell them that you would like a month with your new daughter before they visit so the whole family can get acclimated to the new routine, etc. if they don't like it - that's THEIR problem - NOT YOURS.

4. If you have stopped putting effort into the relationship - it's not surprising that you haven't gotten anything out of it. That's the way relationships work. It could be you have TOTALLY misread them and are giving off bad vibes...seriously - not what you want to hear but TOTALLY POSSIBLE.

You need to talk with your husband and let him know your expectations and desires - just because you've been married 15 years doesn't mean he can read your mind either....you both need to be united on visitors...if not - there will be a huge white elephant in the room and someone is bound to explode and feelings AND relationships will be damaged....

TALK! COMMUNICATE!!!!!

You are not obligated to have them come and visit. However, it would probably look rude for you to not do so.

So, it might be better if you set the visit on your own terms. Tell them no visits in the hospital. And as soon as possible after the baby is born, choose day and time (maybe 1 or 2 weeks out from the birth). Tell them that you're not really up for visitors, but that you know they probably want to see the baby, so invite them over from X to Y time (maybe 2 hours?) on X day. And then tell them that as the baby gets older and you are more recovered, you look forward to visiting with them more and having them get to know their new family member.

I think if you are going to let your Mom and girlfriends come over, then you have to let your in-laws come over also. To let one group of family visit and not the other is unfair. :(

My cousin and his wife do not let any one visit them at their home for up to 4 weeks after they bring a new baby home. They have had three. Everyone is welcome at the hospital while they deliver, and can visit in the hospital, but once they close their front door behind them, it is family time for at least a month. It gives them and their children time to bond with and adjust to the new baby. It is what they want and everyone in the family accepts that.

So, maybe you could present it to your in-laws that way - just ban everyone for a week or so, to "get used to your new little one" and the changed rhythms in your house. Let your older children adjust and bond with the baby - then let people come over.

Congratulations on your soon to be new addition !!!!

God Bless

They are not an active part of your lives, or your kids' lives, so they can wait a couple weeks to visit, just like everyone else, while you get into a routine/settled in.

Also, my opinion is that expectations always set you up for disappointment. It's clear what type of people they are, they are not going to change, so I would stop putting energy into the negativity.

Well, just by going on what you have said (in my opinion) you're not under obligation to anyone. I don't think I have an exact answer for you. I've been in a similar situation with my MIL. I'm older and wiser now. (We still don't talk) Anyways, I think you might be expecting too much from them. You seem to have expections that aren't getting met and are holding that against them. I have 6 kids and my husband travels for his job. No one in my extended family calls to see if I am ok etc. So you are not alone. There's so much I could say. I think you need to drop expectations about them so that you don't waste your energy being disappointed. You can't change them. Like I said before you are not obligated to anyone; but take into consideration that they are your husband's family-as crappy as they may be. I don't think it would hurt to have them see the baby. Babies are a blessing and are meant to be celebrated. I think as long as your husband knows your feelings and respects how you feel set some grounds rules and trust that he will enforce those with his family. Hope this helps a little. :) Congratulations on the little girl!!!

It depends - do they live near by? Would they just be coming by for an hour or two to see the baby or are you going to have to put them up for a few days or something? If it is just an hour or two, I am sure that you could handle it. If it is longer, then they could probably wait until you get settled in.

I don't think you are being unfair in the slightest. YOU are the one going through all of this, so you should be able to decide what happens for the first few weeks after baby is born. More people should empathize with all women go through to have a baby, and should not take so personally decisions moms make for their family.

Now, that being said, I wouldn't go months without letting them visit or offering a visit. But, it doesn't sound like you want that. It sounds to me like you want your first week or two home to be about you and your baby (or maybe even the first few days). Don't you dare feel bad for that.

If they haven't asked to come visit yet, don't sweat it until they do. If you aren't feeling up to it, just say it's not a good time and you'll call back and schedule soemthing later.

I was miserable and hormonal with my pregnancy and drove myself and my husband crazy about his mom and being involved in everything. Turned out, I needed her desperately after my daughter was born and she was right there helping out and only too happy to do it. So my anxiety was all for nothing and I could have spent my pregnancy enjoying it instead of being stressed out.

You are not expecting too much but maybe from them you are since you know how they are. You shouldn't expect them to change now. It is unreasonable to expect them to not visit at all but you are completely within your rights to have them do so on your terms...when, where, for how long.

Most people who are self-absorbed don't realize they are. If they ask "what can I do?" tell them. If they say they want to visit, say "that would be great, can you come on "Monday at 2 pm or does Tuesday work better for you?"...be specific and if you need them to pick up something or do something for you TELL them.

I think they should be able to see the baby BUT I would make sure they were scheduled to visit when your husband is in town and if I were you I would use the time to have special "mommy and me" time w/ the older two. Head out with them and spend a great day and have your hubby deal w/his relatives!

Can you describe the actual 'visit' a bit more? Are they traveling from out of town and expecting to stay on with you? Do they live across town and are just dropping in for a quick look and see?

I think it would be unfair to them, since they are blood relatives, to say no to any sort of visit.

However, I would practice a little polite asking before you have this scenario to really deal with...talk to yourself ..When they ask if there is anything they can do...Say, YES, we would so appreciate you bringing dinner over....Enlist their help by offering ideas and what would truly help you. They probably don't know if they are as self absorbed as you say. Try to educate them what your family needs are. And then relax and let them surprise you.

I also think your 2 boys will enjoy the visit and I think you're husband will call to check and see how it went...and you can report it went fabulously. They brought dinner and did not overstay their visit. And they gave the boys a bath or read books....give them something to do when they walk in.

Nope :) I kicked EVERYONE but my hubby out of the hospital when I had ours...even my own mom :) It's YOUR bonding time. They'll get a chance to visit when you arrive home.

That's a tough one, especially since hubby isn't really onboard. But...I don't think one visit after you and baby are home and settled is too much to give up. YOU can say when and for how long. They could come visit at the hospital, then you can say no visiting for at least a week and being # 3 (big change from 2) you need time to regroup and REST. Then they can come, bring a meal for you all, bring baby gifts and go home. LOL! Congrats on your new bundle!

You are not being unfair at all. They haven't really participated in your life. Why should they get the chance now???? I would tell your hubby that you are having this baby and they will not be visiting. You need to have the support system in place that makes you feel the best and most loved and cared for. If that support system doesn't include these people, they don't belong there with you. Best wishes!

M

I would let them visit after 2-3 weeks have passed at least. You will be too exhausted to deal with visitors, and your husband should respect that. They CAN come see the baby, just not the second it pops out! :)

I think it is totally reasonable to limit visits when you are getting used to a newborn in the house. Since you only see them at holidays I assume they'd be traveling? Seriously no way would I have house guests or out of town relatives spending all day at my house during the early days with a newborn. Unless they are there to help you (cook, clean, etc) and someone you like to spend time with, sorry come in a few weeks. If by help they mean holding the baby so you can rest, that is so not helpful. I don't think it's selfish. Recovering from birth, getting used to the new routine (or lack thereof) and integrating a baby with the other kids is enough of a job. You don't need people who you aren't comfy with pestering you. I am very in favor with a nice babymoon, members of the household only with SHORT and helpful visits from others.